Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Jon and Nightcrawler: We be jammin'

“I don’t know, Jon,” Nightcrawler shook his head. “I don’t have much experience deprogramming cultists.”

“Yeah, but weren’t you a Catholic priest or something?” I asked.

“Not really,” he shrugged. “I am very religious though.”

“I know what you’re saying,” I replied. “So who should we grab?”

“It doesn’t matter to me,” Nightcrawler replied. “Let’s just get five. You don’t have a brainwash reverser on your sonic veapon do you?”

“Unfortunately no,” I answered. “We still might be able to use it though.”

We quickly snatched five of the cultists and took them to a theater. The theater was large and quiet, and we thought it would be a good place for me to work them over.

Unfortunately, the victims weren’t responding very well.

“Just convert already or I’ll shoot you again!” I growled as I held up my Wristcomm for them to see. The quintet cowered, but they still clung to their unusual beliefs.

“You’re not doing so well,” Nightcrawler said to me from the shadows. “Do you have a plan B?”

I shrugged a shook my head dejectedly.

With a clacking sound, we were bathed in the stage lights.

“Hey, what’s going on here?” a man stepped towards us. He was wearing a robe as was a couple dozen other people with him.

“Ah, we’re just trying to help these poor people here,” I answered.

“Nonsense,” the leader of the group replied. “These are members of Falun Gong and you’re trying to convert them, aren’t you?”

“Well, yeah but you know,” I paused and looked at the man. I looked at him again. “Wait, aren’t you Tim DeLaughter, lead singer of Polyphonc Spree?”

“Guilty as charged,” the musician grinned and gave a slight nod. “OK gang, one… two… three!”

The members of the group broke out into song.

Light and day is more than you'll say

Because all
My feelings are more
Than I can let by
Or not
More than you've got
Just follow the day

Follow the day and reach for the sun!

You don't see me flyin to the red
One more you're done
Just follow the seasons and find the time
Reach for the bright side
You don't see me flyin to the red
One more you're nuts
Just follow the day
Follow the day and reach for the sun

Just follow the day
Follow the day and reach for the sun!

You don't see me flyin to the red
One more you're nuts
Just follow the seasons and find the time
Reach for the bright side
You don't see me flyin to the red
One more you're nuts
Just follow the day
Follow the day and reach for the sun!

Just follow the day
Follow the day and reach for the sun!

Just follow the day
Follow the day and reach for the sun!

“Zat vas pretty catchy,” Nightcrawler said.

“Yeah, I do like that song,” I added.

“Thank you,” Tim said as other members of the group smiled and bowed.

“Nice… song…” one of the Falun Gong members stammered.

“Can you sing it again?” another asked.

“Sure,” one of the Spree singers answered gleefully. “We sing this all the time.”

“All the time!” other members of the band agreed.

“Wait, wait,” I held up my hands. “I have an idea here. You guys aren’t a cult, are you?”

“Ah, no,” replied Tim.

“You are all part of a major religion, right?”

“Well sure, we all believe in God,” Tim replied.

“I’m Presbyterian!” one of them added happily.

“Zat’s good.” Nightcrawler leaned towards me. “Who’s he?”

“I don’t know,” I answered quietly. “They all look like dudes in robes to me.”

“So why are you asking?” Tim asked. “Can we move this along? We have a concert here this evening.”

“How would you guys like five more members?” I enquired.

“Who these guys? Sure, we’re in the middle of a Far East tour,” Tim answered. “We could use a few locals for flavor. Are you guys musicians?”

“I play maracas,” one said.

“I guess I can sing,” another said. The other three looked at each other and nodded.

“Then we’d be glad to have you join us,” the leader of the group said delightedly.

“One more thing….” I said.

“Now you’re pushing it,” Tim smiled at me. “What do you want?”

I opened up a secret compartment on my Wristcomm and pulled out a kazoo. “Mind if I join you?”

“Sure! How about your mutant friend here?”

“Ahh, I don’t know, do you have a wood block or triangle or something?”

“We sure do! Let’s jam!”

Holy war games Batman!

Hmph! This island does not have enough food to sustain me. Before the race had begun again, I found my self eating talking baby dinosaurs. So annoying when they scream "NOOOOOOOOO!"

So yes I was glad to leave the Skull Island ( Well that and King Kong cheats at poker.) Even if it was in the most rickety plane ever to fly. Thing would have crashed if I did not jump out and catch it.

So we are supposed to find the secret HQ of the Falun Gong eh? Luckily I over hear a cab driver, tell the clone trooper where the one at the mall is. Good him , and his strange bird man partner will take the other one while me and Logan go for this one.

When we arrive they are pretty easy to find they are the ones In the matching clothes, Talking about "peace and morality." Bah! Worse than that monk on Daxam. The man stalked me and ruined any fun I could have had there.

So I tell Logan "All yours."

" What? Are ya flamin' playin' at bub? I don't wanna do whatever it is we have ta do wit 'em."

" Tough!" I answer. I drag him over to the cultists.

Now Let Logan regale you with his part of the challenge. While I go see what Bulma is up too.


No good son O' a monkey! A' course it's gotta be one O' those challenges, Only one O' us can do. This guy gives me a note with the challenge, I look it over. I see Chuck is gettin' back at me fer pushin' 'im down the stairs that time.

"Ok I gotta convert five O' ya yahoos to a major religion. Who wants it?"

Silence. I think I hear a cricket chirpin'.

Great. I gotta convince 'em. So I start talkin' up the 5 we want 'em to convert ta. And The cultists throw back their flamin' dogma.

" Our founder can read the minds of us all! And he has other supernatural powers!"

" Yeah I know a bald guy in Westchester, that can read minds what of it?" I answer. "Then I call 'im. An' Chuck tells 'im what they are all thinkin'. " Then they give me back the phone.

" Logan this wouldn't happen to have anything with the race would it?"

Uh-oh. " What's that Chuck? Yer breakin' up. The reception here is lousy. I'm gonna go . "

I look over the cultists. Looks like I'll have ta shock ,em inta listenin, ta me.

" Ok I got powers myself watch this. " I pop my claws with a Snikt! an' stab myself. The wound heals, an' all O' them gasp.

" Ya all think that's impressive?" I grin. " Come on an' take a look at this."

I show 'em the hotel across the street that Vegeta, had checked inta with his hot wife, O' course the alien freak don't put down the shades. So at one part the two O' em are floatin'. Thankfully with clothes on.

I start throwin' rocks at the window, and Monkey boy gets annoyed and opens it , and starts blasting in our general direction. "Logan! What are you doing?" He commands.

" Transform inta a super saiyan!" I shout back.

" What? I am busy! But I shall. Then after I am done showing you my abilities If you and those cult weirdos want to watch I do not care!"

Ya know I beginnin' ta think he comes from the planet voyeur or somethin'.
But whatever he transforms inta a super saiyan 4 and flies around a bit. Fires some blasts picks up a car , and crushes it.

" Now I shall return to my wife." He flies up to the window , an starts tearin' up her clothes.

I turn around . " Ok Ya'all let's get outta here before we see somethin' we can't un see eh?" All O' them left with me. Except one guy who was droolin' at the window . There ain't no way I'm goin' back fer 'im. I ain't gonna risk gettin' an eyeful O' somethin' that'll make me wanna gouge out my peepers. That kid is on his own.

So after that many O' he cultist were really wantin' ta listen ta what I had ta say I got one ta become a Buddhist, another Two ta become Christian. Two more inta Islam. And some went inta Judaism and ,Hinduism But I stopped countin' after I hit five.

Yeah but some O' the cult guys decided I was divine and built a cult around me, Not what I was wantin'.

This is how they see me.

And they think Vegeta is the Devil.

Ya know , I don't doubt it.

Another faction worships Vegeta.

Disturbin' and plain wrong.

And I'm the devil ta them.

Not my good side.

Another faction was started up called the angel and the demon, they believe Veg Head was a demon who became good by knockin' boots wit' Bulma.

Flamin' weird. Guess who started this one? If ya said droolin' pervert ya win a cookie.

All the factions started arguing, then declared a holy war on each other. Sigh I'm goin' ta Hell fer this I just know it.


Well that was relaxing. I'm taken out of the moment by an explosion outside. I get up and, put on my armor While I notice Bulma already has a weapon ready. Logan runs in through the door.

" Whew! I'm so glad yer finished, and dressed. I was afraid I'd see somethin'" He huffs.

" What is going on out there?" I demand.

" I kinda started a holy war. " he says sheepishly.

" I leave you alone for an hour, and you cause the Crusades? Did you at least finish the challenge?"

" Yup. I got the next clue." He smiles .

" Fine then. Where do we go next?" I see Bulma already getting a Capsule jet bike , and waving bye.

" Be careful with crazies out there " I warn her.

" With all the devices on me the crazies need to worry about me. Don't worry go back to your race." She blows a kiss before leaving.

" Ok. Pay attention, bub." Logan growls. "We gotta choose showin' a bunch O' people a good time. Or we can create a new event for the games."

We both choose the new event. We head to the rickshaw. " Aw man!" grumbles Logan. "Where's the guy that's supposed ta pull this thing?"

" I think your little war has made him run off." I reply. " Do not worry sit in the Rickshaw. I shall pull this. " In two seconds flat we are at the site of the games.

The problem is using my speed, had completely destroyed the rickshaw, Also it injured Logan. Not that it would really bother him all that long. I noticed as we were walking into the arena that Logan was wearing his brown costume, not the yellow one he wore a while ago.

" Did you actually change costumes on the way to get me?" I ask.

"Nah. Marvel is makin' me wear this costume durin' the race that keeps changin'. Somethin, Reed Richards came up wit. Any way they say it sells more action figures."

" Your not going to turn pink or rainbow colored on me are you?" I try to stifle my laughter at the thought.

" I hope not." He shrugs.

After some preparations we are ready to show our game to the Olympic committee.

"What is that?" One judge asks. Pointing at my creation. That looms 15 feet above them.

" That is the burning happy face of death." I respond proudly.

" And what is the event you want to do with it?" Questions another judge.

" Logan tossing." I laugh.

" What?" Wolverine almost gets out before I throw him.

"The object." I continue, " Is too throw Logan into the center. Without him getting burned. If they miss the ring completely or Logan gets burned they lose points. " I throw him a couple of more times just for the Hell Of it, his costume keeps changing each time.

" But sir. " A judge raises his hand. " Wolverine though small is extremely heavy."

" Yes." I snort. " He should lay off the burgers."

" Hey Bub!" he protests. " A guy's who's appetite jest destroyed an entire island's ecosystem shouldn't talk! besides it's the Adamntium in my skeleton."

" Sure it is Logan." I turn my attention back to the judges. " I had actually thought of that. Which is why I brought Mini Logan!"

This little freak starts jumping around yelling "Happy happy!" it then jumps on Logan. " I'm gonna to make you smile!" It than starts tickling him.

" Aaaah! Where didja get this flamin' thing?" Logan yells.

" I found it in another universe I think it was called Earth 616 1/2. It's so annoying. I had I thought about releasing it on you to serve you as a sidekick, but this is a better use for him. So I had Trunks deliver him for this.

The tiny Wolverine starts asking "Do you know your Abc's?" Then starts singing them while dancing on Logan's head. One of the Olympic athlete's they had there to try to play the game we created grabbed him and threw him threw the Burning Happy Face of Death.

" Wheeeeee!" it exclaims.

" That is acceptable." the judges finally tell us, giving us the next clue. " that was disturbin'." Was all Wolverine would say on the way to the Pitstop.

Meanwhile One judge asks another " How do we get the burning happy face of death to stop burning?

While we wait we learn that Kurt's a chicken

"They might as well put our names on these chairs." gripes Cal. "We've been given the yeild more than any other team."
"That only means that we're a threat Cal." I tell him. "Anyway we should use this time to work on our tactics dealing with Miss Bea."
"So Goldy's not Kerrick then?" asks Cal.
"Yep and its not cause of some gut feeling." I state proudly. "I got a blood a test on her, Kerrick is O negative and Goldy is A positive." Really its a load off my feet that Goldy isn't Kerrick.
"You sure 'bout this Koma. Cause I know stuff can be tampered with." warns Cal.
"I did the tests myself Cal. And here comes the blonde beauty now." I announce as Goldy arrives at the Yield station.
"Austin I haven't been completely honest with you." she says biting her lower lip.
My mind races I imagine seeing her rip a latex mask off revealing that all along she was Kerrick or worse a robotic Bea Arthur.
"What is it?" I reply a little shakely. My right hand drifting towards my blaster.
"Bea could you come over now honey!" calls Goldy over her shoulder. My hand gets to my blaster I start to draw it. Then I see Goldy's Bea.
"Bea this is Austin. Remember I told you about him." prompts Goldy.
"Hello Austin." Greets the child.
Honestly there was a little thought in my head that said I should use the blaster first just to make sure. But I didn't did I.
"Hello Bea." I answer.
"Your not a real doctor are you?" she demanded.
"Bea!" exlaims Goldy to her daughter.
"Its OK Goldy. I am a real doctor Bea. In fact just for dealing with curious little girls I have my diploma right here." I reach into my coat and pull out a copy of my Doctorate from Melbourne University.
"Hmmm! It looks real." says the little girl trying hard to find something that looks fake.
"Bea honey why don't you go and check the document with Tilly." offers Goldy.
"Ok Mommy. Bye Ausitn, bye Caliban." waves Bea as she walks off to Tilly, who I correctly assume is Bea's nanny.
"Austin. Thanks." Goldy kisses me, it was rather inviting.
It said thank you, but with the suggestion of a whole lot more thank you later on. I could get used to this.

"uh-hummm!" coughs Cal. "I think we have a race to run."
Goldy smiles at me, no she beams. Woof! was all I could think. She leaves.
"Earth to planet Koma. Come in Koma." gibes Cal.
"Yeah about the Robo-Bea's." I resume plan mode. "There are only 4 of them left for Kerrick to set on us. And they can't change their form unless Kerrick cracks the 246 digit passkey."

"And they can't change their form unless
Kerrick cracks the 246 digit passkey."

"And if she cracks the passkey they can look like anyone?" he asks a bit perturbed by thought of dealing with 4 LMD's that don't look like Bea Arthur.
"Yes but I'm quite sure she hasn't had the time to break the passkey. So they still have to be Bea Arthurs." I'm about to go onto a plan I had for capturing one of the robo-Bea's so we could find Kerrick. When theres a
I cough at the smell of brimstone.
"Dude that just smells like the worst fart, EVER!" elucidates Cal.
"Girl scout cookie for your Yield Koma." smirks Nightcrawler.
This time I do pull my Blaster.
"Kurt you better get your pointy tail out of here." I warn "Cause I'm going to pull the trigger in 3 2 1."
So much for team spreken zee scared.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

AOC: Falun Down Converters

The Skull Island Airport is huge.

skull island airport

Who knew this primitive island had so many visitors. Turns out King Kong has a film festival here every year, Monkey Dance. All the Hollywood types come here. They needed an airport this big just to accommodate the number of planes it takes to bring in the Baldwin family.

Several hours later we arrive at the airport in Beijing and are whisked off in a cab. The cab driver barks “Where to, bub?”

That’s weird. You sound like you have a New York accent. What’s the deal?” I inquire

International Cabbie rules don’t allow a cabbie to speak fluently the language of the city where they work. Rules’ have been in place since ’83. Surprised you haven’t noticed to before. So where to, Bub?”

The Falun Gong secret headquarters.” I reply

The cabbie grunts, “Which one jerk. The one by the Golden Resources Shopping Mall on Yuanda Lu or the one by Taoranting Park ?”

I look at Angel, who just shrugs. “I guess the one by the park.” I tell the cabbie.

10 minutes later we are standing front of two buildings. One is masquerading as an “IStockPhoto” Hut. Clever bastards.

hut in beijing

The other building is some kind of night club and Karaoke bar. Angel is mesmerized.

fallen dong club

Angel lets go in the IStockPhoto hut. I think that is the secret base.”

No Tak, I think we need to go in the Swoo Lin Dong. It name sounds like Falun Gong. It is the right place

Angel, are you nuts. The Falun Gong believes in living a moral life base loosely on the teaching of the great Dharma and meditation. I can’t see them hiding out in a neon leather bar.” I said raising my voice a bit. Was that Koma and Cal coming out of the club?

Angel began to yell at me “Why do you always boss me around. I know I need to get in to that club and when we do I might find enlightenment within. The Falun Gong is in there, I feel it in my bones.”

I am sure you feel it in your bone, you nut job. The Falun Gong is not hiding in that club. Can you see a Falun Gon member going to a more un-Falun Gong establishment?” I practically screamed at him.

Angel yelled back at me. “The Falun Gong is in there. Damn, you are as bad as my father …”

A couple of people came out of IStockPhoto hut and made shushing noises at us.

falun gong folks

I turn to them. “What!?!?”

Could you to idiots keep it down and stop screaming Falun Gong at the top of your lungs? What are you trying to do, bring the police down on us?” The women said

A man joined in “Yeah what kinds of moron keep screaming out the name of an organization right in front of its secret headquarters? Are you with the Amazing Mutant Race 3?”

Angel and I both nod yes.

The man hands us an envelope, “I was told to give this to you, but not to read it. If you complete what is said in the letter, then I have another envelope for you.”

I take the letter and read it. “Hey it says here I need to get 5 of you to convert to Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism or Buddhism. So who wants to go first?”

Most look at us like we are crazy, but one man says “I would like to convert to Buddhism! I have always wanted to build shrines to my ancestor and worship them.”

Sorry sir, but that is Shintoism not Buddhism. Geez, only a moron would get those confused.” I explain.

All of the people just stare at us. I think it is time to pull out all the stops and start shouting “IStockPhoto is Falun Gong!” at the top of my lungs.

One of the men says “Quiet! You’ll bring the police. We will give you 5 converts

I hand out one application for each religion; get the folks to sign on the dotted line. As I am handed the next clue I say “don’t worry folks, I’ll get these in the mail and within the week you can start practicing your new religion. Have fun.”

I turn to Angel and see him ducking inside the Swoo Lin Dong. If he slows us down, I’ll beat him to a pulp.


Monday, February 26, 2007

Yield to General Jon!

No no, I'm not on a power trip or anything. I just wanted to present my Yield for this leg.

Oh the choices, oh the choices.

Actually, there doesn't seem to be much of a choice.

AOC and Angel are often hindered by Angel's (many, many) issues.

Vegeta and Wolverine are often hindered by their many brawls.

Lenny and George, I mean Koma and Caliban don't seem to have anything to slow them down. Oh sure, you have the robotic Bea Arthurs, but really how dangerous could a cybernetic octogenarian really be?

And no, this is not some sort of revenge on Koma for giving me the Yield last time around. I'm the good guy, I don't do "revenge."

This is just a logical, obvious choice.

Oh and Captain, Space Ghost just called, he wants his hoodie back.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

The Ninth Leg of the Race

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the ninth leg of the Amazing Mutant Race 3, the last round before the Grand Finale. This week shall be the last elimination round. The surviving teams at the end of this week will be racing to the finish line.

Last week we saw our five teams travel to Skull Island where they had to sample local delicacies and interact with the wild life, either by entertaining it or by destroying it. Saving precious time by cleverly having King Kong defeat the dinosaurs for them gave Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and Nightcrawler the time they needed to reach the finish line first.

As the winners of that leg, they get to choose one other team to Yield. A Yield forces that team to delay their start time by one hour. Jon and Kurt must select the picture of the person they wish to Yield and place it on the board.

The lengthy battle Noel and Beast waged against the dinosaurs and giant insects delayed them enough that they were the last team to arrive. As always, the last team to arrive is eliminated.

This leg of the race starts on Skull Island. From there the teams will catch a Kong Air jet at the island’s international airport. The jets will fly the teams to the Beijing Capitol International Airport where they will then catch taxis to the secret Beijing headquarters of Falun Gong, a local religious cult. It is here our racers will face their Roadblock for this leg of the race. A Roadblock is a challenge only one member of a team may perform.

Do you like convertibles? The contestant selected must convert at least five members of the cult to one of the major religions of the world – Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism or Buddhism. Just watch out for the local authorities. They don’t like cults or proselytizers.

Once the Roadblock is complete, the teams will then receive their Detour. A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. Teams must successfully complete one of the tasks described on the clue. In this Detour, the teams must choose between Aid or Abet.

In Aid, the teams will travel by rickshaw to the Guangzhou Hotel where they will meet 10 volunteers for the 2008 Summer Olympic games hosted in Beijing. These 10 volunteers have been singled out by the Chinese government for having given exemplary service. As a result, they are being rewarded with a night on the town, provided by the Amazing Mutant Race. It will be the job of the racers to show these volunteers the time of their lives at all of the big night spots in Beijing. In the event more than one team selects this Detour, an alternate group of 10 shall be provided.

In Abet, the teams will travel by rickshaw to the National Stadium where the Chinese are busily preparing for the 2008 Summer Olympics. They will meet with the coordinator of the games and must design a brand new Olympic event for China to showcase. This must be an original athletic event suitable for the summer games.

Once the Detour has been completed, the teams must then make their way to the Guangzhou Hotel for the Pit Stop of this leg of the race. As always, the last team to arrive will be eliminated.

Pit Stop

Well, this will be another short and sweet ending. I hate the jungle, I hate creepy medicine men, and I got a bit unnerved when it came to light that Kong wanted the company of a male over females.

So here's how it came down

First the porn loving medicine man pit stop: Jon & Nightcrawler

Last to the Pit Stop: Noel and Beast


Saturday, February 24, 2007

Noel & Beast: Part 2, Dinosaurs and King Kong.

King Kong, the name of the Giant Ape, leaped off into the jungle. I heard a few natives mumble something about the Detour being ruined. I go over and see what is going on. "Hello, can you tell us what is going on."

"Well Kong was to be part of the Detour for the race. Now that he has escaped whoever is left has to no choice but to do the Dino hunt. Unless we can capture him again, and that might take days. The last time he escaped we lost half our men."

"So I guess that means we have to do the Dino Hunt," says Hank.

"Not necessarily, what if we find Kong and bring him back here? And what were we supposed to do with him anyway?" I ask.

"Well first, it will be near impossible to get him to come back by yourself, so don't worry about that. Secondly, Kong was supposed to be entertained by the contestants and made to come get a picture taken."

"Well that sounded easy enough, but I guess we are stuck doing the Dino Hunt," I sigh

"Yeah, well you will be needing these." He handed us a couple guns. "And these," handed us some grenades. "And ohhhh yeah, you will definitely be needing these." He gave us more weapons and ammo.

"Is that all?" I finally ask.

"Well that's all I can give you," he says as he leads us to the to the doors leading out to the jungle. He opens the doors and we hear all kinds of noises. We walk out and turn towards the man. "Ohhhh and Good Luck." He chuckles and closes the door BEHIND US.

I sigh "So what are we to do, go around and kill all the dinosaurs we find?"

"I guess," Hank shrugs.

We walk out into the jungle. We walk for what seem like miles, and we didn't see a single dinosaur. The jungle is so thick that we can't see much ahead of us.

"You know I'm starting to get the feeling that there are no dinosaurs on this island." I blurt out.

"Well then why would we....." He stops as we finally reach a clearing. I look at him for a second, his eyes are wide and his mouth is open. I turn to look at what he was staring at.

"I uhhhhh..... think I spoke to soon."

We just stand there staring at these giant beasts. I start to wonder if these were the ones we have to kill. I mean true they are huge, but they seem pretty gentle. Plus they have babies.

I look at Hank to see if he may have an answer. He looks just as confused as I feel. As I pull Hank back to discuss our options, I hear some rustling in the trees on the far side of the clearing. The large four legged dinosaurs look over towards the noise and start making hissing sounds. The babies take off running towards us. I quickly jump to the side, just barely getting missed from being trampled. I see that Hank has jumped up in a tree. I look back out into the clearing and see another Dinosaur, mean looking and walking on two legs.

I hear Hank say mumble something. I watch as the large two legged dinosaur attacked one of the four legged one. It was a quick fight and soon the four legged dinosaur was down and being held by the throat by the other. The other four legged dinosaurs tried to protect its fallen friend, but only managed to get bit at. Soon the one that was attacked was dead and the other wandered off after the babies. I had to move yet again as the large beasts slowly retreated back into the forest.

As they walk past I take another quick look at the large two legged dinosaur. He seems to be enjoying himself as it munches on the fallen dinosaur.

Hank approaches me quietly and whispers "I believe those are the dinosaurs we are supposed to kill"

I nod and pull out my gun. Hank does the same thing. As quietly as we can we walk out towards the T-Rex, as Hank called the two legged dinosaur. We split up just before reaching the clearing. I went left so I would be attack it from behind, while Hank went straight attacking from the side. I see Hank make a single, telling me to get down. He must see or hear something I can't. I fall to the ground just as another T-Rex approaches. It is bigger then the other one and tries to get a bite to eat. The smaller T-Rex steps aside and roars real loud. He doesn't seem to happy to share. Soon the two T-Rex's are fighting over the meal.

Hank singles me back to him. As soon as I get there he tells me in a whisper "I think we should stay out of this. We may be able to take on one of these but two..." He shakes is head no. So we both head back into the jungle. I take one quick look back and it seems that the smaller one is losing.

Hank and I continue walking for a short time. Out of no where Hank turns to me and states "Ummm.... I think we better rest here for awhile. I have to go...."

"Go where?" I ask.

"Well lets just say what I ate earlier is not agreeing with me." He looks away quickly.

"Ohhhhh I see, okay I'll wait over there" I point to a log near a small clearing.

He nods and rushes off into the jungle.

I go over to the log to sit and wait. I hear a noise I look behind me and come face to face with a very large bug.

I scream and fall back off the log. I quickly scramble back as the large insect approaches me. As I try and back up I am stopped by a tree. The insect gets closer and rears up ready to attack. Just before it attacks me I see another one and it goes after the one that is after me.

As they attack each other I grab my gun and aim for the closet ones head. I start shooting and hear it make a screaming sound as the bullets hit it. Soon it falls to the ground, dead. The other one looks at the dead insect them back at me. I take aim for this ones head only to realize I am out of bullets. I scream for Hank as the insect gets closer. As it nears I get up ready to fight. I kick it in the head as it tries and bite me. I scramble around behind it and jump on it's back. I then climb up and grab a hold of it's attena. It tries and buck me off by shacking it's head back and forth, but I got a death grip on it. I grip my legs around it's body so that I am able to free one of my hands. I grab a grenade off my belt, then I lean over the head of the creature, pull the pin off the grenade, and quickly shove it in its mouth. I then jump off the insect landing hard on the ground. I have only seconds to cover myself before the insects head blows clear off.

I lay there for a few seconds trying to catch my breath. I feel a hand touch my shoulder and a voice asking me if I am okay. I look up and see Hanks worried face looking back at me. I sit up and say "Yeah, I'm fine." Then I try and wipe the bug guts off me, but it seems pointless cause all it does is smear.

Hank helps me up and says "I'm sorry, I tried to hurry once I heard your scream and then the shots rang out. However it seems you had it all under control."

I throw him a dirty look. "I need to find a place to get cleaned off, then we should head back to the village." I start to walk away.

He nods and follows me. We walk back to a place I remember seeming a small stream. While we walk I get a feeling we are being followed, but every time I turn around I see nothing. We finally get to the stream and I go in to wash off as Hank sits and waits for me. Just as I finish cleaning off all the bug guts and dirt I hear a rustling in the trees once again. I look back towards the sound. Out of the corner of my eye I see that Hank is standing and has his gun raised. I stand and pull out my gun and add a new clip.

We stand and wait for what ever is coming, come into the clearing. We don't have to wait long as we seen a T-Rex bust through the trees. He stops and turns his head back and forth as if it is smelling for something. It then sees us and lets out a very loud roar. And starts running towards us. I take a few steps back and look over at Hank, who hasn't even moved. He still has his gun aimed at the beast. He throws me a look and says "Don't move."

I stop and look back at the T-Rex. I aim my gun and hope for the best. Hank started shooting first Then I joined in. The T-Rex stopped but the bullets didn't seem to phase it at all. I look back at Hank who seems a bit worried now, but keeps on firing. Once he is out of bullets he turns to me and yells "RUN!!!"

It doesn't seem like the bullets are doing anything to him so stop shooting and turn around and run. I can sense Hank right behind me and not far behind him is the T-Rex. Hank catches up to me and grabs me around my waist. "Hang on" He yells.

He throws me over his shoulder and proceeds to run even faster. He leaps up into the trees and jumps from limb to limb. We seem to be flying, and I grab is back with all my strength. I look back and see that the T-Rex is still behind us, but we are gaining a lead.

All of a sudden Hank stops, causing my face to slam into his back. "What are you doing" I yelled as I rubbed my nose. He don't answer me and I sit up to look at what he is. I scream. Right before us is King Kong, the Giant Ape from the village. But he doesn't seem to be looking at us. He seems to be looking behind us atthe T-Rex who happened to stop as soon as it seen the Ape.

King Kong jumps over us and stands between us and the T-Rex. Hank sets me down and we take cover in some near by bushes. We sit and watch to two square each other up. Kong screams at the T-Rex and the T-Rex roars at Kong.

Then the T-Rex jumps at King Kong biting his arm in the process. Kong grabs the T-Rex pushes it back then smashes his fist into it's face. The T-Rex backs off and sakes it's head, then lunges again only to get another fist in the face. King Kong then tries and grab at the T-Rex's mouth. The T-Rex snap at Kongs fingers, but Kong continues his assault. This continues for awhile and soon King Kong gets the upper hand and rips the jaws open on the T-Rex. The T-Rex dies instantly.

After killing the T-Rex King Kong throws it aside and sits down. He glances over at us hiding in the bushes. I decided to stand up and approach the Kong. Hank grabs my arm to stop me, but I pull my arm from his grasp. I tell him to stay as I approach King Kong.

I walk up to Kong look up at his face. He looks away, he seems sad. I reach up and touch his finger. He pulls away and glares at me. "I want to thank you for saving us back there." I say, ignoring his glare.

He stands up and growls at me. I look at him in confusion, I can understand him. I don't know how or why, but I can. I think it may have something to do the fact I used to deal with alien life everyday. Some of them use beeps, growls and such noises to communicate. I have learned how to understand them, even though I can't talk their language.

"Ohhh, come on cheer up, it can't be so bad.

He does a few whooo, whooos.

"Yeah I can understand you just fine. I am not sure why I can, but I can. It may have something to do with the fact i am not from around here."

He turns and sits right in front of me. He does a few more who, whos.

"Lets just say I am from very far away." I continue "So why have you escaped from the village."

He slams his fist down and makes a few scream noises. Then turns his head away from me.

"They do what. That is so awful. I can see why you hate it there." I reach up and touches his fur on his leg. Kong looks down at me and reaches his hand down and picks me up. He is so gentle. He raises me to his eye level.

He who whos softly.

"You want me to help you." I look back down at Hank who is standing there dumbfounded. "Yeah I guess I can help you, just tell me what you want. But I will need something from you if I do talk to them for you."

Who, who.

"I will need you to go back to the village so we can get a picture with you. I promise if you do that for me I will talk to the people of the village for you"

Who, whoooo, whooo, who.

"Okay it's a deal then, now tell me what you want."

He does a whole variety of who whos and I just nod at him.

"I think we can work something out with the village men. Now how about taking us back to the village so I can talk to the people."

King Kong gets up and and places me on his back. He then grabs Hank and places him next to me. He who, whos and I turn to Hank "He says to hang on." Hank grips onto the fur as Kong rushes off to the village. Hank turns to me to ask something, but I guess what he is about to ask and answer it before he can, "Don't ask, cause I'm not too sure myself."

We are soon in the sight of the village King Kong stops and lets us off his back. I turn to Kong and tell him "Just wait right here I'll be back after I talk to them."

Whoo, who.

Hank and I rush off to the village. As soon as we get to the doors they open. The elder lets us in. "Well I see that you are still alive." He laughs then he looks behind us and his eyes widen in shock. "H-how did you get him to come back."

"I just talked to him, that's all."

The elder gives me a strange look "What do yo mean 'talked to him'?"

"It's just as I said, I can understand him and he can understand me. I'm not sure how, but it may have something to do with the fact that I am not from around here and I have a great knowledge of different languages." I shrug

I continue "Anyway I talked to him and he told me he would only come back if a few changes were made."


"Yes, first of all he wants a bigger and better enclosures. He hate being chained up by those short chains. He said he would stop escaping if you can do this. Second he wants some company, I was thinking that there is a gorilla by the name of Might Joe Young. Joe is smaller then Kong, but not as small as a normal gorilla. If we can't get Joe then a few normal sized females would work to. He is just so lonely. He swears if you will allow this he will listen to you better and even allow people to get their pictures taken with him without a fuss."

"But we can't afford such an enclosure for him. It's not like we haven't thought about it before. All our money goes to feeding him, keeping the dinosaurs away and fixing the place when he does escape."

"If you need money, I can give you what you need as soon as I can. I am willing to donate what ever you need. I'll also talk to Kong and see if he can help with getting the dinosaurs population down. I have seen him fight and he is very good, he just may need some back up."

The man nods. I walk over to Kong to tell him what we were discussing. He gives me a few who whos and follows me back.

"Kong will behave and help with the dinosaurs. All he asks is no more chains. He promises to not escape from the area."

The man shakes his head in confusion, then looks up at Kong. "We will do what we can to make him happy until the enclosure is complete."

"Good now, lets get Kong back and get our picture taken with him."

Hank and I follow the elder and Kong follows us. We hear a few whispers and see a few scared glares. I look back at Kong and say "It's alright, they are not used to you being so gentle."

Who who

I snicker.

We get our picture taken. I am not sure what that look is that Hank is giving me.

Now we are off to find the Medicine Man and to our Pit Stop. Man I need a bath, I smell like Giant Ape and bug guts.

Jon and Nightcrawler: You know the name of King Kong

“Ve’re going to vhat?”

“We’re doing both Detour challenges,” I said.

“Both?” Nightcrawler couldn’t believe his ears. “How?”

“It’ll be easy,” I answered. “We’ll befriend the big guy, then he’ll help us fight the dinosaurs. It’ll work; I’m really good with animals.”

“You’re good vith animals?”

“Oh yeah, I get it from my father. There was a robin in our backyard that used to land on his shoulder all the time.”

“Ja, but getting a giant monkey to be our freund isn’t the same as getting your dog to beg for a treat, you know.”

“Yeah yeah, I know. I got it though.”

“Ja? So where is he?”

“I don’t know, I just assumed that finding a giant ape on an island would be easy.”

Suddenly a dull rumble sounded from the jungle. It grew louder and louder and a puddle near us began to ripple from the vibration. King Kong appeared from around an immense cliff face.

“Hey Kong!” I yelled out.

The colossal simian beat his chest and roared out the loudest howl imaginable.

“He’s huge!” Nightcrawler looked at the monkey towering over us. “Ten times as big as a man.”

“Bah weep granah weep ninni bong!” I yelled out. The monkey stopped roaring and looked at us curiously.

“Vhat did you just say?” my mutant buddy asked.

“It’s the universal greeting,” I answered logically.

“Vhich universe?”

Before I could answer, the gigantic creature reached down and hoisted me high up into the air. I yelped at the stomach-turning ride, which seemed to amuse the creature quite a bit.

“Say, Kong,” I said. “You wanna go beat up some dinosaurs?”

King Kong’s tongue lolled out and he shook his head up and down. He started running towards the dinosaur park, Nightcrawler had to rush to keep up. We were ready to spring into action when the ponderous primate held up his prodigious paw and shook his head. He placed us down on a giant rock and tore into the thunder lizards with a frenetic fury. Nightcrawler and I stood with our mouths agape as our new friend beat the primitive lizards senseless.

“Vow…” Nightcrawler barely managed to exhale.

“I can’t believe Kong just tore the tail off that one and is now beating him with it!”

The reptiles were no match and were soon defeated by King Kong. With that little bit of business wrapped up, the giant ape scooped us up again and carried us over to the grandstand for the pictures.

We stood there smiling for the cameras when my earlier meal started to get the better of me. My stomach rumbled a bit, then growled a bit, then despite my best efforts, gas erupted from my backside.

“Ew.” Nightcrawler crinkled his nose. “Zat was awful.”

“Sorry about that,” I shrugged sheepishly. “I cut the cheese.”

Kong smelled it too. He crinkled his own nose, then howled and beat his chest and rumbled off back into the jungle from where he came.

“I can’t believe that your flatulence chased him off like zat,” Nightcrawler said.

“Yes,” I said glumly. “It was booty that illed the beast.”

Noel & Beast: Part 1, Lets eat.

Hank and I are waiting at the docks for our boat to arrive. Soon we see this:

arrive. *You have to be kidding me, it will take forever to get where we have to go in that piece of junk.* I think. I then give Hank a look and he just shrugs and says "Let's go."

We get on and soon we are heading to open waters. The crew on the boat says very little and won't tell us where we are going. To my surprise the little boat is pretty fast and soon we spot a small island.

"There is your destination." The captain finally says.

He drops us off and says "Good luck." Then leaves us in a hurry.

We head down a foggy path, hoping it is the way we are supposed to go.

Soon we enter a small village and meet its natives.

They seem to be looking at something. We walk over and see this Giant Ape.

He is chained up and doesn't look to happy. I have a feeling he will have something to do with either our Roadblock or Detour.

The native people take us to a large hut. There are several tables covered in covered dishes. An elder approaches us and says "One of you has to eat to continue" I think this is our Roadblock.

I look at Hank and tell him "Hey, I think you can handle this one." He nods and heads over to one of the tables. He has never been a fussy eater, and who knows what is in those dishes. I can tell Hank is already regretting this, just by the look on his face.

Hank takes his place at one of the tables and asks the elder "So what is it I'll be eating?" The elder walks over and starts taking off the lids:

Cricket Ka-Bobs.

Some NASTY looking soup.

Fried Caterpillars.

Fried Grasshoppers.

Some other kind of fried bug.

And THIS???

Hank sits and gets ready to eat. He gives me a quick look, and I flash him a small encouraging smile. I am so glad I am not him right now. I sit back as he starts to eat. He goes for the soup first, then the meat head, last is the fried bugs. Once he is done he looks a bit green, but still manages a small smile. I just hope he don't get sick before we get to the Pitstop.

He walks over and I ask "So how was it?"

"Not to bad actually, However......" He is interrupted by a large crash and yells from outside. We run outside and see that the Giant Ape has escaped.

And boy does he look mad.

To be continued.....