Tuesday, February 27, 2007

AOC: Falun Down Converters

The Skull Island Airport is huge.

skull island airport

Who knew this primitive island had so many visitors. Turns out King Kong has a film festival here every year, Monkey Dance. All the Hollywood types come here. They needed an airport this big just to accommodate the number of planes it takes to bring in the Baldwin family.

Several hours later we arrive at the airport in Beijing and are whisked off in a cab. The cab driver barks “Where to, bub?”

That’s weird. You sound like you have a New York accent. What’s the deal?” I inquire

International Cabbie rules don’t allow a cabbie to speak fluently the language of the city where they work. Rules’ have been in place since ’83. Surprised you haven’t noticed to before. So where to, Bub?”

The Falun Gong secret headquarters.” I reply

The cabbie grunts, “Which one jerk. The one by the Golden Resources Shopping Mall on Yuanda Lu or the one by Taoranting Park ?”

I look at Angel, who just shrugs. “I guess the one by the park.” I tell the cabbie.

10 minutes later we are standing front of two buildings. One is masquerading as an “IStockPhoto” Hut. Clever bastards.

hut in beijing

The other building is some kind of night club and Karaoke bar. Angel is mesmerized.

fallen dong club

Angel lets go in the IStockPhoto hut. I think that is the secret base.”

No Tak, I think we need to go in the Swoo Lin Dong. It name sounds like Falun Gong. It is the right place

Angel, are you nuts. The Falun Gong believes in living a moral life base loosely on the teaching of the great Dharma and meditation. I can’t see them hiding out in a neon leather bar.” I said raising my voice a bit. Was that Koma and Cal coming out of the club?

Angel began to yell at me “Why do you always boss me around. I know I need to get in to that club and when we do I might find enlightenment within. The Falun Gong is in there, I feel it in my bones.”

I am sure you feel it in your bone, you nut job. The Falun Gong is not hiding in that club. Can you see a Falun Gon member going to a more un-Falun Gong establishment?” I practically screamed at him.

Angel yelled back at me. “The Falun Gong is in there. Damn, you are as bad as my father …”

A couple of people came out of IStockPhoto hut and made shushing noises at us.

falun gong folks

I turn to them. “What!?!?”

Could you to idiots keep it down and stop screaming Falun Gong at the top of your lungs? What are you trying to do, bring the police down on us?” The women said

A man joined in “Yeah what kinds of moron keep screaming out the name of an organization right in front of its secret headquarters? Are you with the Amazing Mutant Race 3?”

Angel and I both nod yes.

The man hands us an envelope, “I was told to give this to you, but not to read it. If you complete what is said in the letter, then I have another envelope for you.”

I take the letter and read it. “Hey it says here I need to get 5 of you to convert to Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism or Buddhism. So who wants to go first?”

Most look at us like we are crazy, but one man says “I would like to convert to Buddhism! I have always wanted to build shrines to my ancestor and worship them.”

Sorry sir, but that is Shintoism not Buddhism. Geez, only a moron would get those confused.” I explain.

All of the people just stare at us. I think it is time to pull out all the stops and start shouting “IStockPhoto is Falun Gong!” at the top of my lungs.

One of the men says “Quiet! You’ll bring the police. We will give you 5 converts

I hand out one application for each religion; get the folks to sign on the dotted line. As I am handed the next clue I say “don’t worry folks, I’ll get these in the mail and within the week you can start practicing your new religion. Have fun.”

I turn to Angel and see him ducking inside the Swoo Lin Dong. If he slows us down, I’ll beat him to a pulp.



Blogger Gyrobo said...

You captured Koma's hatred of the question mark perfectly.

10:49 PM  
Blogger captain koma said...

Yes I do hate the question mark.

Its way overused by the Riddler. Nygma and I don't get along at all.

10:59 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Good use of coercion to get your converts. Reminded me of some of the more PG tactics of the Inquisition.

9:26 PM  
Blogger Paula Abdrool said...

Those little Falun people seem so nice. All you had to do to convert them was open up your heart.

11:18 AM  

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