Jon and Nightcrawler: I want candy

The Oompa Loompas stared at Nightcrawler and me.

I looked over at Nightcrawler, Nightcrawler looked over at me.

We looked back at our diminutive audience.

They looked at us.

Nightcrawler and I looked at each other. I gave a slight shrug, then we looked back at the Oompa Loompas.

They looked at us, then slowly, carefully looked at each other. Their gaze slid back to my mutant teammate and I.

“Well?” I asked.

The Oompa Loompas looked at each other again and then all stood up.

Oompa Loompa Doompadee doo
We’ve got a little something for you
Oompa Loompa Doopadee dus
You’re little ditty was entertaining to us

Your’re racing hard and playing to win
The others should be in a looney bin
So we hope that you cross the finish line first
And are crowned the winners by Patty Hearst
(Or insert someone else’s name to make the line funnier)

Oompa Loompa Doompadee doer
Here is the clue to the next Detour
You amuse us and we applaud you
From the Oompa…. Loompa….. Doopadee do!

Doompade do!

They finished their dance and quietly stood there in their positions.

“Ist das es?” Nightcrawler whispered to me. “They liked it?”

“I think so,” I whispered back. “Maybe that’s how Oompa Loompas applaud.”

“Yeah, but what’s with that pose? Is zat some sort of mating ritual?”

“Man, I don’t even want to think about something like that,” I answered. “Let’s just get it and go.”

We quickly made our way into the bowels of the Chocolate Factory and met Willy Wonka himself.

“Welcome… to my chocolate factory!” he threw his arms out and grinned. “This is where the magic happens!”

“Thank you,” Nightcrawler bowed slightly and then turned to me. “Which of the Detours should we do? I have to admit zhat I’m a little concerned about putting my life in danger for candy.”

“I have to agree with you,” I answered. “I may have a cast iron stomach, but I’m no fool. Why don’t we see what we can make.”

“Splendid.” Wonka placed his fingertips together and grinned some more. “Let the magic begin! I have a few ideas for you. Eating candy should make you feel good, right?”

“Sure,” I shrugged.

“Ja,” Nightcrawler agreed.

“What about candy that not only makes you feel good, it makes you look good?”

“OK,” I said.

“Sure,” Nightcrawler agreed.

Quickly we began work on a couple formulas and were ready to try them out on our victims, er, lucky test subjects.

“Try this,” I said to the first.

“Hmm, I kind of like it,” she answered.

“You look really good, too,” Nightcrawler answered. “Hubba hubba!”

“Really?” she smiled. “You’re so kind. I have to say that I didn’t like my old hairdo that much. It looked kind of choppy.”

She grabbed a couple more pieces of candy and bounced out of the room.

“Nice work, gentlemen,” Willy Wonka grinned. “Let’s see if we can push it a little further! Kick it up a notch. Bam!”

We threw some more components together and quickly created another version.

“Hi, my name is Jerri, I’m a boozer, a user, and a two time loser,” the second subject introduced herself. “I ran away from home and became a drug addict and prostitute. Now I’m trying to get my life back together but I suffer low self esteem.”

“Vell try zis, freulein.” Nightcrawler offered her the sweet.

“Mmm, it’s like a party in my mouth and everyone is welcome to attend!” she said happily.

“Splendid,” Wonka said as she left. “Still, I think we can do better.”

Furiously we worked on the formula, then quickly brought in the next taste testee.

“Hey this is delicious!” the subject said gleefully. “This is awesome too because I carry a lot of trunks and boxes full of stuff and boy are they heavy. Now I won’t get so tired hauling them around!”

“Once again! This is delightful, delicious and delovely!” With each experiment, Willy Wonka grew more and more excited at the prospect of his new candy.

“Hi, I’m Ashley and some people say that I have an eating problem,” the next tester introduced herself. “I don’t see why, I had a perfectly fine lunch: celery with just a little salt sprayed on and a parsley garnish. Boy am I stuffed!”

We gave her the candy and she went through the most amazing transformation yet. She grew several feet and muscles bulged from all over her body.

“Wow!” she squealed. “I love this! I’m going to go open that jar of nuts that I’ve always wanted!”

“Holy cow!” I exclaimed.

“I think we invented Space Steroids,” Nighcrawler added in awe.

“Ah but steroids are not good,” I stated. “As an Intergalactic Gladiator, I recommend that everyone engages in a fit, active lifestyle, but not one reached through artificial means.

“What artificial means?” the Candyman whooped. “This is made only with all natural, 100% pure chemicals found in this lab. It’s super! Superb! Supercalifragilisticexpiali-delicious! Let’s make more!”

Beakers bubbled and tubes dripped colorful liquids. Behind us a jolt of electricity jumped between two antennas. Willy Wonka laughed as another candy was created.

“Just give me the candy, dumb dumbs,” the next test subject said dryly. “How you people haven’t blown up your planet yet is beyond me.”

We gave him the candy and a similar transformation took place.

“I can’t believe this!” he exclaimed. “What have you done to me?”

“What have we done?” Wonka looked baffled. “We made you beautiful. You look fabulous!”

“But I’m a man! You dumb dumbs are dumber than I thought.”

“I think you look good,” I said.

“I’d date you,” Nightcrawler added. “Ah, but I’m already taken. Ja.”

“Oh this is horrible!” the transformed alien moaned. “First I’m going to turn back into my original form, then I’m going to blow up your planet with my space modulator. The galaxy will be better without you!”

He (or she) grabbed chemicals from the table and hoisted them to his (or her) mouth.

“Wait, stop, don’t,” Willy Wonka shrugged passionlessly.

“Ha ha! I feel it now! You dumb dumbs better kiss your un-evolved monkey asses goodbye because I’m going to – Whulp! Ahhhhhh!”

“He transformed into a puddle of ooze!” Nighcrawler exclaimed.

Oompa Loompas came and sucked up the ooze with a wet dry vacuum.

Oompa Loompa Doopadee do
We’ve got a little story for you
Ommpa Loompa Doopadee duel
Blowing up the Earth is totally not cool

We would have helped getting you back
Even though we thought you had a nice rack
Now you’re a puddle of green, gooey goo
What an unfortunate ending for you
Who’s the dumb dumb now?

Oompa Loompa Doompadee ay
This has been an eventful day
An entire planet he was willing to screw
Unlike the Oompa Loompa Doopadee do

“Well, I guess we were mostly a success,” I concluded. “Except for that last formula, I think everyone would want this new candy.”

“Ja,” Nighcrawler nodded. “How long will it take to get into stores?”

“Oh, I could never sell this stuff,” Willy Wonka shook his head.

“What?” Nightcrawler and I said in unison.

“Unfortunately, ever since that one time a girl turned into a giant blueberry, the FDA has been all over me,” he confessed. “It’s not like I’m trying to poison the Earth’s water with Crystal Pepsi or something.”

“Oh well,” I said. “Maybe we can still sell it in Europe.”