Monday, March 12, 2007

Er . . .

The producers of this show wish to apologize for the typographical error on the awards plaque. That's what you get for going with the lowest bidder on a project. Personally I chose to blame Gambit, just because he makes it so easy.

Anyways, here's the revised plaque, again . .

Sunday, March 11, 2007


The votes have been tallied and the video tapes reviewed. Before I reveal the winner, let me first just say that all the participants in the race performed like true champions and they should all be very proud. Almost each and every leg of the race proved truly challenging for the judge to determine who won and who had to go home. The amount effort and creativity put into the race was quite impressive.

Eventually the race came down to the final three. Though all three of the finalist teams crossed the finish line at virtually the same time, one did make it first. After careful examination, it is quite clear that the team that managed to squeak out a victory is . .

. .

. .

(this was the network's idea to build some suspense)

. .

. .

Army of One and Angel. Despite regular distractions, these two champions were able to focus on the competition long enough to win . . the Amazing Mutant Race 3.

At the finish line, to commemorate their championship, last years winners Master Yoda and Lieutenant Commander Oneida proudly present the champions with a plaque, handsomely embossed with their names.

Congratulations to Tak and Angel! They shall be the honored guests at a victory celebration tomorrow at the mansion. All the participants in this years race are invited to the festivities.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

A Photo Finish!

Our three teams, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and Nightcrawler, Army of (Cl)One and Angel, and Vegeta and Wolverine completed their tasks at the Willy Wonka chocolate factory and raced like madmen to the finish line at Picadilly Circus in London, England where all the eliminated racers, along with last year's winners, Lieutenant Commander Oneida and Master Yoda, await to award the winner their prize. They ran neck and neck through the busy circle and seemed to cross the line as one.

The judge and the producer of the Race are having a difficult time determining which team actually crossed the line first. In an unusual decision, the network has decided to seek input from you, the audience, to help determine which team crossed the finish line first. A poll has therefore been set up here - - where you can vote for the winner, if you are registered with the Heroes United Forum. The deadline for voting is Sunday, March 11 by 9pm, Eastern Standard Time.

The audience vote, along with the determination of the judge and producer, will decide who won . . the Amazing Mutant Race 3!

Friday, March 09, 2007

Jon and Nightcrawler: I want candy

The Oompa Loompas stared at Nightcrawler and me.

I looked over at Nightcrawler, Nightcrawler looked over at me.

We looked back at our diminutive audience.

They looked at us.

Nightcrawler and I looked at each other. I gave a slight shrug, then we looked back at the Oompa Loompas.

They looked at us, then slowly, carefully looked at each other. Their gaze slid back to my mutant teammate and I.

“Well?” I asked.

The Oompa Loompas looked at each other again and then all stood up.

Oompa Loompa Doompadee doo
We’ve got a little something for you
Oompa Loompa Doopadee dus
You’re little ditty was entertaining to us

Your’re racing hard and playing to win
The others should be in a looney bin
So we hope that you cross the finish line first
And are crowned the winners by Patty Hearst
(Or insert someone else’s name to make the line funnier)

Oompa Loompa Doompadee doer
Here is the clue to the next Detour
You amuse us and we applaud you
From the Oompa…. Loompa….. Doopadee do!

Doompade do!

They finished their dance and quietly stood there in their positions.

“Ist das es?” Nightcrawler whispered to me. “They liked it?”

“I think so,” I whispered back. “Maybe that’s how Oompa Loompas applaud.”

“Yeah, but what’s with that pose? Is zat some sort of mating ritual?”

“Man, I don’t even want to think about something like that,” I answered. “Let’s just get it and go.”

We quickly made our way into the bowels of the Chocolate Factory and met Willy Wonka himself.

“Welcome… to my chocolate factory!” he threw his arms out and grinned. “This is where the magic happens!”

“Thank you,” Nightcrawler bowed slightly and then turned to me. “Which of the Detours should we do? I have to admit zhat I’m a little concerned about putting my life in danger for candy.”

“I have to agree with you,” I answered. “I may have a cast iron stomach, but I’m no fool. Why don’t we see what we can make.”

“Splendid.” Wonka placed his fingertips together and grinned some more. “Let the magic begin! I have a few ideas for you. Eating candy should make you feel good, right?”

“Sure,” I shrugged.

“Ja,” Nightcrawler agreed.

“What about candy that not only makes you feel good, it makes you look good?”

“OK,” I said.

“Sure,” Nightcrawler agreed.

Quickly we began work on a couple formulas and were ready to try them out on our victims, er, lucky test subjects.

“Try this,” I said to the first.

“Hmm, I kind of like it,” she answered.

“You look really good, too,” Nightcrawler answered. “Hubba hubba!”

“Really?” she smiled. “You’re so kind. I have to say that I didn’t like my old hairdo that much. It looked kind of choppy.”

She grabbed a couple more pieces of candy and bounced out of the room.

“Nice work, gentlemen,” Willy Wonka grinned. “Let’s see if we can push it a little further! Kick it up a notch. Bam!”

We threw some more components together and quickly created another version.

“Hi, my name is Jerri, I’m a boozer, a user, and a two time loser,” the second subject introduced herself. “I ran away from home and became a drug addict and prostitute. Now I’m trying to get my life back together but I suffer low self esteem.”

“Vell try zis, freulein.” Nightcrawler offered her the sweet.

“Mmm, it’s like a party in my mouth and everyone is welcome to attend!” she said happily.

“Splendid,” Wonka said as she left. “Still, I think we can do better.”

Furiously we worked on the formula, then quickly brought in the next taste testee.

“Hey this is delicious!” the subject said gleefully. “This is awesome too because I carry a lot of trunks and boxes full of stuff and boy are they heavy. Now I won’t get so tired hauling them around!”

“Once again! This is delightful, delicious and delovely!” With each experiment, Willy Wonka grew more and more excited at the prospect of his new candy.

“Hi, I’m Ashley and some people say that I have an eating problem,” the next tester introduced herself. “I don’t see why, I had a perfectly fine lunch: celery with just a little salt sprayed on and a parsley garnish. Boy am I stuffed!”

We gave her the candy and she went through the most amazing transformation yet. She grew several feet and muscles bulged from all over her body.

“Wow!” she squealed. “I love this! I’m going to go open that jar of nuts that I’ve always wanted!”

“Holy cow!” I exclaimed.

“I think we invented Space Steroids,” Nighcrawler added in awe.

“Ah but steroids are not good,” I stated. “As an Intergalactic Gladiator, I recommend that everyone engages in a fit, active lifestyle, but not one reached through artificial means.

“What artificial means?” the Candyman whooped. “This is made only with all natural, 100% pure chemicals found in this lab. It’s super! Superb! Supercalifragilisticexpiali-delicious! Let’s make more!”

Beakers bubbled and tubes dripped colorful liquids. Behind us a jolt of electricity jumped between two antennas. Willy Wonka laughed as another candy was created.

“Just give me the candy, dumb dumbs,” the next test subject said dryly. “How you people haven’t blown up your planet yet is beyond me.”

We gave him the candy and a similar transformation took place.

“I can’t believe this!” he exclaimed. “What have you done to me?”

“What have we done?” Wonka looked baffled. “We made you beautiful. You look fabulous!”

“But I’m a man! You dumb dumbs are dumber than I thought.”

“I think you look good,” I said.

“I’d date you,” Nightcrawler added. “Ah, but I’m already taken. Ja.”

“Oh this is horrible!” the transformed alien moaned. “First I’m going to turn back into my original form, then I’m going to blow up your planet with my space modulator. The galaxy will be better without you!”

He (or she) grabbed chemicals from the table and hoisted them to his (or her) mouth.

“Wait, stop, don’t,” Willy Wonka shrugged passionlessly.

“Ha ha! I feel it now! You dumb dumbs better kiss your un-evolved monkey asses goodbye because I’m going to – Whulp! Ahhhhhh!”

“He transformed into a puddle of ooze!” Nighcrawler exclaimed.

Oompa Loompas came and sucked up the ooze with a wet dry vacuum.

Oompa Loompa Doopadee do
We’ve got a little story for you
Ommpa Loompa Doopadee duel
Blowing up the Earth is totally not cool

We would have helped getting you back
Even though we thought you had a nice rack
Now you’re a puddle of green, gooey goo
What an unfortunate ending for you
Who’s the dumb dumb now?

Oompa Loompa Doompadee ay
This has been an eventful day
An entire planet he was willing to screw
Unlike the Oompa Loompa Doopadee do

“Well, I guess we were mostly a success,” I concluded. “Except for that last formula, I think everyone would want this new candy.”

“Ja,” Nighcrawler nodded. “How long will it take to get into stores?”

“Oh, I could never sell this stuff,” Willy Wonka shook his head.

“What?” Nightcrawler and I said in unison.

“Unfortunately, ever since that one time a girl turned into a giant blueberry, the FDA has been all over me,” he confessed. “It’s not like I’m trying to poison the Earth’s water with Crystal Pepsi or something.”

“Oh well,” I said. “Maybe we can still sell it in Europe.”

Thursday, March 08, 2007

AOC: Oompa Bands and Candy for Kids


Angel, Ralph the Cameraman and I are standing before an interesting little man. He informed us that we must perform a song about an AMR3 racer using his cultural style. Angel and I confer for a bit then jump into a song.

Here is a song based on your early literary works.” I inform the Oompa Loompas gathered around.

But now, my dears, we think you might
Be thinking of Scott – is his brain all right?
That every single bit of blame
Due to his scorching eyes of flame
Should fall upon Scott?
Is he the only one at fault?
For though at Disneyland his team was last
Well don’t blame Warbird, cuz she had a great ass

Their toes were tapping, but I didn’t hear no clapping.” I whisper to Angel. Angel just rolls his eyes at my subtle word play.

I call out to the Oopmas “How about something a little more recent, maybe from 2005” I give them a rockers two finger wave and head nod and we start singing

Spiderman, here’s the scoop
You’re a great big nincompoop
Spiderman, so horney and vile
Left the show for reasons infantile
“Come on” he said “the time is ripe”
“For MJ and Emma to clean my pipes”
I know dear contestant it was a shame
But Spidy is just so lame
That Spiderman up and quit the game.


The crowd gives a golf clap. We could take it as a pass and move on, but I want these little guys to rock. “Ok, I see you are all coinsurer of great music, so lets go back in time a pull out a oldie but goodie.” I scream in to the mike. Angel start a drum beat and I break into our last song.

Oompa Loompa doompadee doo
Koma’s got a back-story for you
Oompa Loompa doompadah dee
It included a robotic Bea

What do you get from an Evil villain?
Whose partner was as dumb as Gillian.
Lots of trash talk and boastful shouts
Just before the final round, when they got kicked out.

Oompa Loompa doompadee dah

If you're not boastful then you will go far
Koma isn’t happy, cuz he talked a lot of smack
then he got beat by team of Angel and Tak
Oompa Loompa doompadah dac

The crowd goes wild. One Oompa jumps up on stage and start rocking out with us.


One group started dancing.


And I didn’t even know Oompas did this.

oopma loopma macking
Gettin’ Oompa with it

One of the Oompas gives me the Detour. Testing candy or making candy.

Let’s make some candy.” Angel tells me. “I am sure we can make a bunch of kids happy.”

Once at the candy labs Angel and I split up to work faster and within the hour we have developed 8 candies. I look at our candy tester.


Hey Kids, you ready to try some great new candies?” I shout out

Yeah!!!!!!” the testers yell back.

Angel insist in going first. “Try my Rhesus’ Pieces! They are chocolaty good.”

The first kid takes a bite and begins screaming. “It has raw meat in it!”


Monkey meat!” Angel declare happily.

What?!?!?!?!?!” I shout. “Are you crazy? You can’t give people chocolate cover monkey part! That is wrong! I mean really wrong, like beating up Nuns or hooking up with Paula Adrool during a show. What were you thinking?”

Angel had a psycho look in his eyes. “So you are telling me I can’t let them try my Monkey Clumps with caramel or the Monkey Way bars I made or my famous Mexican Monkey Brittle? That is so like you, trying to steal all the glory. And trying to make me look bad. You are just like my father. I'll kill you!!”

I look at Ralph, who shrugs. As Angel begins to get more worked up, I walk over and zap him with a stun gun. I grab some duct tape and secure him tight. I guess I’ll have to carry him to the end of the race.

I turn back to the kids, who are still spitting out the Monkey candy. “Hey lets something I made. These are toothpaste mint patties. The are minty and prevent cavities.

sour face 2

Strike one.

Here is a candy I made from something I found behind one of the Candy Lab table. I call them Good & Linty. Try one little girl.” I ask politely.

sour face

I get the fanny pack from Angel and head back to the Candy lab. I quickly whip up some chocolate bars with almonds and caramel, wrap them and take them back to the kids”

How about these candy bars kids? Would you come back and pay .75 cents for them.”

The children all jump up and down cheering “Yes, We would!” I give them most of the candy, grab Angel and move towards Piccadilly Circus.

Ralph asks “So what was so great about those candy bars?” I show him as we emerge at street level.


I run down the street as fast as I can, carrying the unconscious Angel. I can see Piccadilly Circus ahead. Only 100 yards to go …

Jon and Nightcrawler: We've got a little song for you

Oompa Loompa doompadee dee
First racer eliminated was SQT
Oompa Loompa doompadee der
Getting the boot was unfortunate for her

She had a chance to write something sleek
About her partner the dangerous Mystique
Having her go is such a darned shame
You know exactly who’s to blame:
That snarky guy Simon

Oompa Loompa doompadee bar
It’s too bad that she didn’t go far
The rest went on to race in round two
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompadee do

Oompa Loompa doompadee dam
Next one to go was Amazing Spider-Man
He didn’t even race, he just walked away
Therefore we have no more to say

Oompa Loompa doompadee papaya
The next team to go was led by Gaia
Oompa Loompa Doompadee Noriegas
They couldn’t get past the challenge in Vegas

That guy Havok has concentric circles
Which kind of makes him look like a jerkle
Their pace was slowed to a sleepy walk
All because Celine Dion couldn’t talk
How long will my heart go on?

Oompa Loompa Doompajack Bauer
Despite being a team with so much power
Maybe you should just visit the zoo
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompadee do

Oompa Loompa Doompadee band
Guess who got lost in Disneyland
Oompa Loompa Doompadee larval
Say so long to Cyclops and Ms. Marvel

Did they get lost on one of the rides?
Was it fun? Did they split their insides?
Did he get stuck in line waiting to pee?
Was she too busy shaking her hi-ni?
Did anyone take a pic?

Oompa Loompa Doompadee leak
Showing the alure of her sexy cheek
They had fun at Disneyland too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompadee do

Oompa Loompa Doompadee Dat
Next to go was the guy in the bee hat
Oompa Loompa Doompadee dealer
That is unfortunate for that young mutant healer

Why was he stuck with that villainous fellow?
Who crushes and summons and harshes your mellow
But they couldn’t get past the giants of frost
Then Thor punched Henchman at no extra cost
I would pay to see that

Oompa Loompa Doompadee Elixir
Maybe we’ll see them at a celebrity mixer
They were stopped at their Asguard debut
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompadee do

Oompa Loompa Doompadee pickle jar
Gyrobo’s posts were so bizarre
Oompa Loompa Doompadee carbon rod
Too bad Gambit is such a lame wad

Gyrobo is master of the odd non sequitur
Now he has the free time to eat an apple fritter
Why is it that Simon likes the giant phallus?
And gives us comments that are so gosh darn callous?
Maybe he has issues

Oompa Loompa Doompadee oboe
Time for us to say goodbye to Gyrobo
Now he can feed the Buddhists stew
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompadee do

Oompa Loompa Doompadee deest
Next to get the boot was Noel and Beast
Oompa Loompa Doompadee dem
We have to wonder what happened to them

So where did they go when we were fighting zombies?
Perhaps they went shopping at Abercrombie’s
A leg or two after leaving the store
They got stuck in a fight with dinosaurs
Doesn’t that make you sore?

Oompa Loompa Doompadee supple
Don’t you think they make a nice couple?
Did they get to base one or base two?
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompadee do

Oompa Loompa Doompadee MacArthur
Koma was hounded by Robo Bea Arthur
Oompa Loompa Doompadee dan
Don’t you just feel sorry for Caliban?

Taken along on a pointless ride
While Koma and camera girl amorously collide
But is it true that she’s spying on Koma?
And did she live in Tulsa Oklahoma?
Don’t give me a bum steer

Oompa Loompa Doompadee proctor
Say so long to that evil doctor
Here’s a can of Fosters for you
From the Oompa Loompa Doompadee do

After completing our song and dance routine for the Oompa Loompas, Nightcrawler and I stood frozen and looked at our silent audience. The Oompas looked back at us. Did they like the song? Would they applaud?

Would they applaud?

To be continued...

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Final challenge

The first clue had us go into a glass elevator from Beijing. How we ended up in either America or England or somewhere is beyond me. It doesn't matter. Whatever this insane man comes out and starts singing!
" Welcome racers to my factory here there are wonders..."

" SHUT UP!" I yell. " Damn! What is your problem? Just tell us what we have to do!"

" Ooh! Your a sour one aren't you? " He responds. I Look at the sign of the place we are in. Great a chocolate factory. Well it's a good thing Kakarot is not my partner. That Clown would eat everything in here.

The inside is like what I suppose one of Kakarot's dreams is like. A psychedelic place, with giant sweet mushrooms, a chocolate river and disturbing little singing men .

Logan growls " Who are those horrible little men? "

" Ooompa Loompa doobity dack . You are calling the pot calling the kettle black!"

" Those are the Oompa Loompa's!" The weird little man shouts gleefully. I think I may kill him. " I found them in Loompa Land, I pay them in caco beans."

" Slave labor eh?" I smirk.

" Why heavens no!" He seems shocked.

Logan pops his middle claw at them. " Tell then I hate them!"

" That's too bad." says Wonka . " You have to sing an Oompa Loompa song!"

I grin " Logan gets to do that."

" Why me?" he protests.

" Because I'm stronger than you are." I state. " Now Go!"

" One O' these days I'm gonna kill ya. " He grumbles.

" It is nice to have dreams mutant. Now what does Logan have to do?"

Wonka sings this long boring song. But really what it boils down too is Logan has to sit in a room with those little creeps for an hour , and listen to them then he has to copy it, And it has to be about another racer.

So while I wait, Wonka who I find out this freak's name is questions. " Would you like something to eat?"

" Have any thing besides candy?"

" No."

"Then no I would not." I sneer.

Finally Wolverine comes out ready for his song.

" Oompa Loompa Diddliy din. Who kept sayin' this race was his to win? It wasn't me or Mr. Bulma. It was Capitan Koma! Ooompa Loompa giddly goots Caliban can back ta shinin' my boots!

The Oopma Loompa's clapped and gave their approval. I was wondering why I mean he rhymed Koma with Bulma. He later told me . " Yeah, after about fifteen minutes with 'em I snapped , and started hittin' them. They said they would approve whatever I said as long As I didn't kill 'em."

Ah. First they are forced into slave labor, now they are beaten by the rodent. If I had compassion I think I would be feeling it for these disgusting little creatures. As it is I want them away from me, they insult my senses.

One of them fearfully tries to give the next clue to me But Wolverine barks at him, forcing him to scamper away , dropping the clue.

I pick it up. " Well we can either make some kind of candy or try to taste test some."I read.

" Let's do the easiest one an' taste some candy ." Logan. Says ' What's the worst that can happen?"

Famous last words.

First one I eat all my clothes turn pink.

" This does not even make sense!" I ponder this when I hear Logan scream.

"My Nose!!! Where's my nose!"

" Are we finished ?" I question of the maniac running this place.

" No. There are more samples to come!" He retorts too gleefully for my taste.

I eat another , and I become this.

I turn to see what Logan's did to him. " Arrrgh! I now have a creamy strawberry center! an' it's leakin' out!"

I smell the ooze (because there is no way I am eating that. ) " That is grape, not strawberry."

" Don't matter Bub!" He hisses. " Flavored gunk shouldn't be comin' outta my pores!"

The next candy piece doesn't do me much better.

Nor does Logan's.

The next one a lollipop does something horrible.

Wolverine is laughing at me. " You have no room to laugh Ms. Pink Claws!"

" What?" He looks down. " Yaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

" Well sirs... I mean madams that is all the candy you have to sample."

"How long do I have to stay like this?" I grab Wonka by the throat.

" Your friend has already turned back!" He gasps. I look and indeed he has.

I snarl. " He has a quick healing ability! That does not help me!"

" Oh." Wonka looks embarrassed." I have no idea how long it 'll last."

" Hey we can't get the next clue if ya kill 'im Darlin'." Logan snidely grins.

" What did you just call me?" I growl.

" Hey calm down it was just a joke." He giggles then his eyes go toward my chest. I blast him.

" Fine give me the next clue Chocolate Man and I will think about not killing you!"

I read the clue while Wonka struggles for air. After dropping him. I tell Logan " we are going to Piccadilly Circus!"

" Sure thing..." He looks down again!

" My Face is up here Idiot! " I growl. I don't know where my armor went, or where this bikini! Came from but at least I have spare armor in a capsule along with the invulnerable cape .

Bah! If I do not change back soon I will relase kakarot on this place let him eat it then I will slaughter Wonka and the ugly creatures , and burn this factory to the ground!

I start to run out of the exit when I notice my new breasts jumping around, how do women run with these things? Yet there is also another problem, " Logan stop looking at my butt!"

Someone is going to be hurt for this ... Badly. But I can't think of that now I have to get to the finish line. " I will not tell you again Rodent!!!! Stop looking at me like that!!!"

Monday, March 05, 2007

yield time.

Since the news of Captian Koma's elimination, Logan has been doing what he calls a "happy dance." It looks more like a seizure. Whatever . I tell him to calm down. and help me make the yield decision.

" What that's a hard choice? Jon An' Kurt." He growls.

" And why is that?" I ask.

" Because they've won the most challenges they'll be the greatest competition."

" Hmmm I see your point, And The Clone trooper will probably be distracted by Angel's ......issues. "

" So it's decided eh? time to go ta go back ta my happy dance!"

What an idiot. Any way I put up the picture on the board and get ready for the next challenge.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

The Grand Finale!

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the final leg of the Amazing Mutant Race 3! The three teams who have managed to survive this long are truly a breed apart and worthy of the name champions.

Last week we saw our four remaining teams travel to Beijing, China where they had to show the light a local Chinese sect and help out with the upcoming Summer Olympics. Even though his team set off a small holy war, Vegeta and Wolverine managed to reach the finish line first, making them the winner of the penultimate let of the race.

As the winners, they get to choose one other team to Yield. A Yield forces that team to delay their start time by one hour. Vegeta and Logan must select the picture of the person they wish to Yield and place it on the board.

Koma and Caliban seemed to allow themselves to become distracted from the race by various outside events, causing them to arrive last. As always, the last team to arrive is eliminated.

This leg of the race starts in Beijing China. From there the teams will take a glass elevator to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory in London England. After a brief tour of the factory, Mr. Wonka will present the racers with their Roadblock. A Roadblock is a challenge only one member of a team may perform.

Can you carry a tune? The contestant selected must create an original song in the musical style of the Oompa Loompas. The song must be about another Amazing Race 3 team, either one still in the game or one that has already been eliminated. If the Oompas applaud the song, they will hand out the Detour. If they do not applaud, a new song must be created.

Once the Roadblock is complete, the teams will then receive their Detour. A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. Teams must successfully complete one of the tasks described on the clue. In this Detour, the teams must choose between Test or Taste.

In Test, the teams will be lead to a deep underground sealed bunker. This special room is blast proof, earthquake proof and fire proof to 400 Kelvins. Both members of each team will have to consume 3 samples each of experimental candies that are still in their beta phase. Wonka is known for radical, even potentially fatal, candy designs so the racers should be familiar with the legal terms “assumption of the risk” and “indemnity”.

In Taste, the teams will be taken to the design laboratory where they will have to create some completely new, never before heard of or tasted candy treat. Once Wonka is satisfied that the new confection is indeed novel, samples will then be given to five lucky children selected through a lottery to taste test the candy. If after tasting, they each check of the “I would buy this again” box on their survey cards, this challenge will be satisfied. Otherwise it’s back to the drawing board.

Once the Detour has been completed, the teams must then make their way to Piccadilly Circus. The first team to arrive will be crowned the winners of the Amazing Mutant Race!

Pit Stop

Once again, another sad effort put forth by the contestants. The conversion efforts weren’t all that terrible, some might even cause some controversy. I must say, that group of cult members were rather easily led astray. You all must have found the place they hide all their weak willed members.

What was disappointing was the ‘good time’ that the members were shown and new event ideas. Why not suggest a version of whak-a-mole, but with dissidents instead of moles? The mine dash, where contestants must flee a mine before a cave in, or even an exotic animal slaughter, how many endangered creatures can you kill before you 12 hour limit is up? The Chinese would have loved them, they are all things the Chinese are familiar with and seem to enjoy doing.

But being that we can’t change the past, on to the winners.

The first over the line for this leg of the challenge is: Vegeta & Logan

But who is last? Who will be eliminated, sent home and thankfully never heard from again?

That would be Koma and Cal. Toodles boys!


Friday, March 02, 2007

Jon and Nightcrawler: Everybody was kung fu fighting

We thanked the Polyphonic Spree for including us in their awesome jam session and for the cool robes then quickly made our way to the National Stadium by rickshaw.

“Hello gentlemen, I am famous Chinese actor and stuntman Sammo Hung.”

“Sammo Hung!” Nightcrawler and I exclaimed together.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I am a coordinator with the Olympic Games here,” he answered. “Who better to give the games some good publicity than me, star of the hit television show Martial Law?”

“Hey, I have a question about that show,” I said. “When that one guy threw a grenade at you, how did you manage to catch it, pry open a manhole cover, then toss it down into the sewer before it exploded? I mean, no way could you do all that in 5 seconds.”

“Ah, well let’s just say that we took a few liberties for the sake of entertainment,” the Asian stuntman answered. “It’s Hollywood, not everything has to be 100% realistic does it?”

“Hey, I like my foreign-born, fish out of water, kung fu, cop buddy cop shows to be as realistic as possible,” I answered, then winked at the camera.

“Why were you just winking?” Sammo asked.

“I was breaking the fourth wall,” I answered. “I don’t get to do that often, you know.”

Nightcrawler sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. “He does it every chance he gets.”

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my lawyer,” I said to the camera while pointing to my partner.

“Can we just get on with the challenge?” Nightcrawler asked. “You can speak into the camera all you want when it’s over.”

“Good idea,” I answered. “OK Sammo, we’ve got the greatest, most spectacular new Olympic event ever.”

“Ja, it’s really good,” Nightcrawler nodded.

“Well, let’s take it to the committee, then,” our rotund liaison said and he ushered us into onto the office where the committee members waited for our presentation.

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,” I nodded to the group. “I’m Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and my partner here is X-Man extraordinaire Nightcrawler. Let’s get right to it, shall we? I present to you, the undecathlon.”

“It’s one better than the decathlon,” Nightcrawler added as I held up a board with the number 11 on it.

“OK, this is designed to be competed on over a two day span, like the decathlon,” I continued. “And of course like Nightcrawler said, it’s one better.”

I paused as some of the committee members nodded at the notion.

“The first event is the 100 meter dash.” I pulled away the board to reveal another with a photo of sprinters on it.

“But that is already on the decathlon,” a committeeman protested.

“Oh we’re just getting started.” I showed them the next board. “Fastball Special!”

“Fastball Special?” another committeeman looked confused. “They’re supposed to throw each other or something?”

“Well yeah, a teammate, you know. It’s like a dwarf tossing, but more politically correct.”

“Olympic athletes are the best athletes in the world,” a committeewoman said. “Still, I do not believe they would be successful at throwing each other very far.”

“Yeah, but the Fastball Special is one of the best, most devastating moves in the X-Men’s arsenal,” Nightcrawler added. “The Fastball Special is very cool.”

“OK, what is the next event then?” a committeeman said.

“Obstacle course,” I answered.

“Not just any obstacle course,” my partner added. “This one is the Deadliest Obstacle Course in the world. It’s got a flaming hoop, spiked walls smashing together, swinging blades, and a slide dripping with green slime.”

The members of the committee stared at us silently for a moment.

“And then?” one said with trepidation.

“Hammer throw,” I said. They seemed to give a look of relief so I added. “The mighty hammer of Mjlonir!”


“Well not the real one,” Nightcrawler added. “Because, you know, only the truly worthy can wield that.”

“After that is the 400 meter sprint,” I continued.

“What’s so special about that event?”

Full Contact 400 meter sprint,” I replied.

“And then?”

“Javelin throw.” I showed them the next board.

“And is it a laser javelin or are they going to throw them at each other?” one asked cautiously.

“Naw just a regular one,” I said. “Those things are pretty cool.”

“And the next event?”

“Ten kilometer forced march with 80 pound rucks.”

“And the next?”

“Pugil sticks.”

“And then?”

“Pistol range.”

“And then?”

“One hundred and ten meter hurdles,” I answered.

“What’s the gimmick to that one?” a committeeman dared to ask.

“The hurdles are robots with stun guns!”

“And then?”

“The final event is the battle royal,” I said proudly. “Last contestant standing wins.”

“And how do we score these events?” a committeewoman asked.

“I’m not sure,” I rubbed my chin. “We just kind of figured that you guys would work out these details.”

“I vould think zat the events practically score themselves,” Nightcrawler added.

“Remember, this is the undecathlon,” I said. “One better than the decathlon.”

The committee looked at us silently again. Several uncomfortably quiet minutes ticked by.

“Well I like it,” Sammo Hung spoke up.