“Yay, what a fun day to play in this field!”

“Hey, Billy, look what I found!”

“What is it, Betty?” Billy asked.

“I don’t know,” replied Betty. “Take a look at it, though.”

“Wow!” Billy whistled. “It’s a low-yield thermonuclear warhead!”

“Is it really?” Betty took a closer look.

“Yeah, and I’m gonna poke it with this stick!”

“Don’t do it, Billy!” Betty warned. But Billy poked it with the stick anyway and lights started beeping on the nuclear device. “Oh no!”

“Maybe I can shut it off,” Billy offered.

“Step away from that warhead!”

“It’s Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator!” the kids yelled in unison. Jon quickly ran up and disabled the beeping bomb.

“Never play with nuclear warheads,” Jon said. “If you ever see one, run and tell your parents or authorities right away.”

“Now we know!” exclaimed the two children.

“And knowing is half the battle.”

G.I. Jon and Nightcrawler part 5, The Amusement Park of Terror

Previously on G.I. Joe, the Joe team’s efforts to rescue the four nuclear scientists from the Terrordrome were thwarted when Cobra Commander launched the scientists across the globe. Teams freed Dr. Brown, Dr. White, and Dr. Blonde from their Cobra captors while a comatose Duke fights for his life at Joe headquarters. Unknown to the Joes, Cobra Commander’s plan was just a diversion for the true threat – the development of a new super weapon within the Terrordrome itself. Can the Joes rescue the final scientist and stop Cobra Commander’s plan once and for all? Stay tuned to find out.

*** The Amusement Park of Terror ***

Leatherneck, Gung Ho, Blowtorch, Recondo, Cover Girl, and Nightcrawler were joined by Lieutenant Renar from the Pentagon. They were just outside the Zartan’s Amusement Park of Terror and ready to strike.

“Now remember Joes,” Lt. Renar stated. “If engaging in a firefight is absolutely necessary, please try use the least amount of ammunition as possible. I am going to have to take a report back to Washington about the expenses you incur with these little battles of yours.”

“Sometimes we have to expend a lot of ammo at times like these,” Leatherneck protested.

“Oh, I am sure you boys need your guns,” she admonished. “But the Pentagon is awfully worried about your expenditures.”

“Darn desk jockeys,” Gung Ho grumbled. “We’ve got a war to fight!”

“Something isn’t right here,” Nightcrawler said quietly to Cover Girl. “Vhy vould this noncombatant be involved in a dangerous situation like this?”

“It happens from time to time,” she whispered back. “They make a lot of effort keeping tabs on our actions.”

“Ja, but vhy vould she be here with us now?”

“I don’t know,” Cover Girl answered. “But I wouldn’t worry about it.”

“I see movement over by the Cyclone.” Recondo pointed over to the roller coaster. “Take a look.”

“It looks like some kind of radar,” Nightcrawler said.

“And the cables from it lead right down that shack,” Leatherneck added.

“Well, what are we waiting for?” Gung Ho said impatiently. “Let’s go, yo Joe!”

“Yeah, let’s light the place up,” Blowtorch agreed.

The Joes and Nightcrawler rushed the shack followed by Renar but there was no response if anyone was actually in the building. They quickly reached it and pulled Professor Pink out.

“Where is everybody?” Leatherneck asked.

“I… I don’t know,” the scientist answered.

“I’ll tell you where,” Lt. Renar laughed. She then pulled off a rubber mask revealing herself to be the Baroness.

“See!” Nightcrawler shouted. “I knew something was up.”

“Aw, I can’t believe we fell for it!” Gung Ho threw his hat down on the ground. “That’s the third time this week.”

“And I brought some friends,” the Baroness cackled. “Foolish Joes! You’ll never make it out alive! These B.A.T.s will make short work out of you!”

Giddy that her evil plan succeeded, the Baroness ran behind a line of robots. The automatons raised their flame throwers, laser weapons, and clawed hands and marched towards the Joe team. Laughing, the Baroness climbed into the cockpit of a Rattler and flew off into the dark skies.

“That lousy witch!” Leatherneck growled. “We’ll get her yet.”

“I kind of like her, well, except for the evil part,” Nightcrawler said. “Her voice kind of reminds me of a drag queen I knew from das Vaterland.”

“Oh yes, I like her very much as well,” said Blowtorch. “She is quite the respectable comrade.”

“Blowtorch, what are you saying?” Cover Girl asked.

“Oh, I’m not Blowtorch at all!” The faux Joe pulled away his mask.

“Zartan!” Recondo yelled.

“That’s right, Joes!” the master of disguise laughed. “And you fell for our trap!”

“Dangit!” Gung Ho kicked his hat.

“Why I aughta pound you, you slimy snake!” Recondo stalked towards Zartan with his fists clenched.

“You have other things to worry about, Joe!” Zartan laughed some more. “The B.A.T.s are still approaching.”

Zartan ran laughing to his swamp skier, hopped onto it and rode off into the night. The Cobra robots approached closer and started firing.

“If we get out of this, I’ll hug each and every one of you,” Cover Girl muttered while returning fire.

“Really?” Recondo asked. “If we get out of this I’ll take you out for the biggest steak you’ve ever seen.”

“I might just take you up on that,” Cover Girl replied. “We just have to -- oh no!”

The B.A.T.s bore down on the Joe team.

*** Meanwhile at the Terrordrome ***

“The Baroness just reported that the Joe team fell for our trap at the Amusement Park of Terror, my dear Cobra Commander,” Destro said to the terrorist leader.

“Ssssplendid, Dessstro.” Cobra Commander tapped his fingertips together. “Now let me show you my new ultimate weapon!”

“Finally,” Destro replied. “You have been keeping this a secret from even me.”

“Yesss, but this will ensure the downfall of the Joe team once and for all.” The Commander pressed a control button and a large cannon lifted out of the floor.

“Why, that looks almost exactly like my Weather Dominator.” If Destro were wont to gasp, he may have done it at this moment.

“That’ssss right. I took what was left of it after the Joe team destroyed it and combined it with new technologies to make even more deadly than ever! My old friend, allow me to introduce to you, the Weather Cheesinator!”

“The what?” Destro could not believe his beryllium steel-covered ears.

“Yesss, the Weather Cheesinator,” Cobra Commander said slyly. “This weapon will cause velvety Arbco Farms Brand Creamy Cheese Product to rain down from the sky. Airportsss will crawl to a halt! Military basesss would be covered! Imagine the leaderssss of the entire world crawling through rich, smooth cheese product to beg uss to stop it!”

Destro was silent for a moment.

“Well, what do you think?”

“Well, I am surprised that you actually reused a scheme,” Destro stated objectively. “It might actually be monetarily wise to do so more often.”

“Who shall we hit firsssst? London? Tokyo? Moscow? Oh, I know Washington!”

Laughing maniacally, Cobra Commander started pushing buttons to raise the Weather Cheesinator high above the Terrordrome. Energy crackled around the weapon as it hummed to life.

*** Meanwhile at the Amusement Park of Terror ***

“I have an idea,” Nightcrawler said. “Keep ze robots busy, vill you come with me, Gung Ho?”

“Sure,” the Cajun answered. Nightcrawler grabbed him and teleported away.

“Great,” grumbled Leatherneck. “And I’m the bait.”

“What? You want to live forever?” Recondo answered and poured laserfire at the unstoppable robots.

Nightcrawler appeared at the base of the roller coaster with Gung Ho.

“Ve need to pull these tracks off and aim them over there,” the adventurous mutant said.

“I see what the plan is. Let’s do it!” With their strength they pulled the tracks out of place and aimed them towards the B.A.T.s. “Now what?”

“Get out of zeh vay.” With an implosion of smoke, he disappeared. A few seconds later, he flew past the startled Marine in the front car of the coaster. The high speed, miniature train flew through the air and crashed into the robots. Nightcrawler dove and rolled away as robot parts flew threw the air.

“Yeah! Alright! Yo Joe!” the Joes all cheered.

*** Meanwhile at the Terrordrome ***

“Sleep peacefully, Washington,” Cobra Commander chortled. “For tomorrow you will be under three feet of delicious cheese product!”

“Fire away, my dear Cobra Commander!” Destro urged.

Suddenly, the floor of the Terrordrome crumbled away.

“Yo Joe!” Led by Duke, the Joe team and I popped up through the new hole.

“G.I. Joe!” Cobra Commander wailed.

“And Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator!” Destro added.

“Duke? Out of a coma?” the Commander rasped. “That’s unbelievable!”

“No, not unbelievable,” said Duke ruggedly. “The fact that Jim Belushi is still on television is unbelievable!”

“But how did you get here?” Destro said surprised.

“You can thank the competent city planners of Springfield Missouri and their world-class sewer system,” I announced.

The Weather Cheesinator exploded in a hail of gunfire.

Cobra Commander and Destro quickly ran to Trouble Bubbles and flew to escape.

“Cobra! Retreat! Retreat!” the Commander wailed.

“Yo Joe!” the Joe team yelled out.

*** Later, in Branson Missouri ***

“What a great idea sharing a few bottles of Yo-Joe Cola.” General Hawk clinked his drink against mine. “And doing it right here at your Pit Stop at the Roy Rogers museum in Branson was even better.”

“Yeah, you guys kind of filled up the parking lot with your H.A.V.O.K’s and VAMP’s,” I laughed. “There was barely a space for our SUV.”

“So do you know if you won this leg of the race?” Falcon asked.

“I don’t know,” I answered. “We got to about 100 feet away and I looked around and saw some other contestants right there with us.”

“Ja,” Nightcrawler nodded. “We now have to wait for ze judges’ decision.”

“Well, you guys did so well that we want to make you honorary Joes,” Flint said.

“Really?” I said. “Wow. This is an honor. You guys are one of the reasons I joined the Army.”

“We are?” asked Hawk.

“Sure, I always wanted one of those spring loaded harpoon firing shoulder mounted bazookas. They never issued me one, though.”

“Aww, I don’t want to wear this,” Recondo complained.

“You said you were going to take me out,” Cover Girl said. “You gotta dress up a little to impress a lady.”

Nightcrawler, the Joes, and I laughed. Although I have to admit that I'm not really sure why, it really didn’t seem that funny.

G.I. Jon and Nightcrawler Part 4: The Atoll of Fear

Previously on G.I. Joe, the Joe team’s efforts to save the nuclear scientists were thwarted when Cobra Commander launched the scientists to the four corners of the globe. Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator accompanied Flint’s team to rescue Dr. Brown at the arctic circle while Nightcrawler joined Beach Head’s team in Jungle of Doom to liberate Dr. White. Meanwhile, Doc and Lifeline race against time to save Duke, who slipped into a coma while Cobra Commander plans his ultimate scheme. Can the Joes rescue the other two scientists and foil Cobras plans once and for all? Stay tuned and find out!

*** On Board the USS Flagg aircraft carrier ***

After the successful mission at the North Pole, I was quickly flown to the Flagg in a Skystriker. There I met the team standing by to rescue the third scientist.

“Lieutenant Falcon, good to see you again.” I shook the Special Forces officer’s hand. “How are things going?”

“Doing well, Jon,” he answered. “Let me introduce you to the team, this is Sgt. Slaughter, Shipwreck, Cutter, Bazooka, Jinx, and Alpine.”

“You better be ready to bust some heads,” Sgt. Slaughter growled. “I don’t have time to babysit your sorry hide.”

“Don’t worry about me, Sarge,” I grinned. “I can take care of myself.”

“Yeah well if you can’t hang, yer going home in a ditty bag.” The Marine drill instructor leaned in close to me. “An itty bitty ditty bag.”

“I’m ready to go when everyone else is,” I said after greeting everyone.

We loaded up in the WHALE and headed out, making our way across the waves towards the Atoll of Fear.

“Sea’s kind of choppy, huh?” I called out from the starboard twin .50 cal turret.

“Yeah, looks like you don’t have yer sea legs yet, ya lubber,” Shipwreck laughed. “Hope you get ‘em before we hit the beach.”

“OK, so if this is a sea op,” I shouted above the bellow of the giant propellers and noise of the waves. “What’s with these two?”

“We’re comic relief,” rumbled Bazooka.

“Yeah, we’re a team,” Added Alpine. “Like Abbot and Costello, Laurel and Hardy.”

“Tommy and Richard,” Bazooka offered.

“Tommy and Richard?” I said.

“Don’t ask,” Alpine answered.

We hit the beach with Cobra firing at us from their stronghold. Laser fire whizzed past as the terrorists shouted their battle cry. Bazooka dove to the ground with a loud “Oof” and fired a rocket across the beach.

“I’m gonna break some snakes!” Sgt. Slaughter ran over to and pulled on an outcropping of rock with all his might. A loose column tore free and collapsed onto the STUNs. Cobra troops leaped out of the vehicles as they exploded.

“More Cobras, over there!” Falcon pointed towards some more ground troops.

“Leave them to me.” Jinx tore into hapless terrorists like a whirlwind. They didn’t stand a chance against her ninja skills and were soon running away.

“Looks like the snakes are turning tail,” Cutter pointed towards the retreating enemy.

“Looks like they were just setting us up to hit us from above!” I pointed to where Cobra Rattlers were taking off from hidden hanger. They roared into the air and fired down on us from the sky.

“Times up for you, Joes!” Wild Weasel led the air attack. “Cobra!”

“We’re gonna need some help or else our goose is cooked!” Alpine dove for cover.

“Gooses?” Bazooka asked as he too dove for cover.

“Either way,” Falcon said. “We’re in trouble.”


*** Meanwhile at G.I. Joe Headquarters ***

“Duke’s condition is stabilizing,” Lifeline said while reading the monitors.

“It looks like he’s going to pull through,” Doc agreed. “He’s starting to come to!”

Duke rustled slightly, but then the equipment rang an alarm.

“He’s slipping back!” Lifeline wailed. “As you know, I’m a pacifist and would never touch a weapon, even to save my own life. But sometimes I get so gosh-darned angry I want to grab a gun and just shoot all those Cobra vehicles myself!”

“Whoa whoa, calm down, buddy,” Doc said. “If only we could just get into his head.”

*** Meanwhile at the Atoll of Fear ***

“We’re in trouble, Falcon,” Jinx said. “We need help and fast.”

“Ask and you shall receive,” the lieutenant pointed. “Look.”

From above, Skystrikers and Conquest X-30’s quickly took control of the skies.

“Hit ‘em where it hurts, Joes,” General Hawk radioed from the cockpit of his Conquest. “Right in their beady little eyes!”

Many Rattlers exploded; the remaining flew off towards the setting sun to escape. The Joes on the beach jumped up and down and cheered at the turn of events.

“Look what I found.” Cutter strolled up, escorting one nuclear scientist. “Everybody meet Dr. Blonde.”

“Dr. Blonde, I’m Lieutenant Falcon. We’re here to take you home.”

“Oh, thank goodness,” the physicist sighed. “Get me out of here.”

“Hope you brought your sea legs,” Shipwreck cracked.

*** Meanwhile at the Terrordrome ***

“Three rescue attempts, three rescued nuclear scientists, my dear Cobra Commander,” Destro announced. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think your plan was failing.”

“Patienccccce, Destro,” Cobra Commander replied. “The ssssuper weapon is almost finished. And when it is, G.I. Joe will be finished too! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

G.I. Jon and Nightcrawler Part 3: The Jungle of Doom

Previously on G.I. Joe, the Joe team attacked the Terrordrome located in Springfield in order to rescue the captured scientists inside only to see them launched to four corners of the Earth by a Cobra rocket. Flint along with Jon the intergalactic Gladiator led a Joe team to the Arctic in order to rescue Dr. Brown. Now a second Joe team and Nightcrawler head to the Jungle of Doom to rescue the second missing scientist. Meanwhile, Duke’s life hangs in the balance after he slipped into a coma following a blow to the head.

*** At the Cobra Terrordrome ***

“I fail to see how your plan to launch the nuclear scientists across the globe will defeat the Joe team, my dear Cobra Commander.” Destro’s polished beryllium steel facemask shone under the lights. “If I did not know better, I would accuse you of being mad.”

“Mad am I, Destro?” the Commander hissed. “Thisss isss all a mere diversion. Thiss is all to keep G.I. Joe busy while we finish what we are doing here.”

“Your wild schemes have failed before, my dear Cobra Commander,” Destro replied. “You put too much of your resources into weather dominators, serpent-shaped flying fortresses, and dinosaur clones only to meet defeat by the resourceful and resilient Joe team.”

“Have a care, Dessstro,” the terrorist leader snapped back. “Consider yourself fortunate that I am the cartoon incarnation of Cobra Commander, were I the comic version I would be far more ruthless and evil.”

“Indeed.”

“I kicked Serpentor’sss butt, you know,” Cobra Commander hissed.

“Yes, I know, my dear Cobra Commander.”

“I alsssso shot Hawk in the back,” the hooded figure rasped.

“I know that as well. I was there.”

“I even kicked a dog.”

“Enough, my dear Cobra Commander,” the weapon's dealer clenched his fist. “I am well aware of your ruthlessness and am prepared to watch this scenario play out.”

“Then do join me as we watch the defeat of the Joe team on this giant telemonitor.”

*** On board a Tomahawk flying through the Jungle of Doom ***

“We’re near the site now,” Lift-Ticket told Airborne from the pilot’s seat. “You want to poke your head back there and let the boys know?”

“You bet, Lift-Ticket.” Airborne leaned back towards the passengers. “We’re almost there, gang. Get ready to hop out.”

Nightcrawler looked at his companions: Quick Kick, Spirit, Scarlett, and Snake Eyes, the silent ninja. The team was led by Beach Head.

“Alright Joes,” the ranger drawled. “We’re here because we’re the sneakiest, dirtiest, meanest, baddest bunch around. The plan is to get to get in there and get that nuclear scientist out of there. Yo Joe.”

“You got it, schweetheart,” Quick Kick replied, imitating Humphrey Bogart’s voice.

The transport helicopter slowed to a hover and the Joes hopped out. Their mutant teammate teleported to the ground right next to them.

“Vhere to?” Nightcrawler asked.

“The satellite readings point to a bunker just a few miles due North,” Scarlett said.

“Time to get a move on, pardners,” Quick Kick rumbled in a faux John Wayne voice.

“Less talkin’ more walkin,’” Beach Head growled.

The team quickly moved their way to the discreet Cobra Bunker. All was quiet at the Bunker, which was built in a clearing near a short rocky cliff.

“Looks quiet,” Beach Head stated from behind a pair of binoculars.

“Mmm, you know how looks can be deceiving,” Spirit commented. “They must surely be in there waiting for us.”

“No doubt,” Beach Head agreed. “How do we move that last 80 meters that are in the open?”

“I can teleport in zere,” Nightcrawler offered. “I could also make short vork of anyone who ist in zere as well.”

“I like that idea.” From behind his balaclava, Beach Head smiled. “But how are you going to—”

Suddenly bright lights illuminated the foliage.

“Welcome to the party, Joes.” Scrap Iron’s voice growled through a set of loudspeakers. “Let’s start it out with a bang!”

Several missiles sailed from the bunker and exploded against trees, ground, and rock. The Joe team scrambled to dodge the impact and shrapnel.

“Well this is not good,” Spirit huffed from behind a tree.

“You got a teargas arrow with you, Scarlett?” Beach Head asked.

“I brought one for just such an occasion.” Scarlett aimed her crossbow and let loose a bolt from it. “Chew on this, Cobra!”

The bolt sailed into a porthole of the bunker and with a pop, the teargas started hissing from the canister. Coughing Cobras began pouring out of the bunker.

Nightcrawler was so busy watching the battle that he didn’t notice the barrel of a rifle emerge from the shrubbery behind him. The weapon tracked towards the mutant, the owner of it was unusually stealthy, but he would soon have his prize.

*** At Joe Headquarters ***

Doc and Cover Girl were rushing Duke to the infirmary.

“Do you think Duke stands a chance, Doc?” the fashion model turned tank driver asked.

“A bump to the head like that might kill an ordinary man,” Doc replied. “Fortuntaely, Duke’s no ordinary man.”

“So he’s going to pull through?”

“Lifeline and I will do our best,” the medical expert replied. “We just have to figure out what’s going on in that brain of his.”

*** In the Jungle of Doom ***

The Cobra trooper with the rifle took careful aim. Slowly, he exhaled and began to squeeze the trigger. Many of these Cobra troopers were cannon fodder. Noisy and clumsy, they littered the battlefield with their shouting and wild shots. He, however, was a Crimson Guard. The elite of the elite. He went to law school, he owned a BMW, and he was an expert marksman. With the slightest click, it would all be over for this mutant Joe.

The laser rifle discharged, but a karate chop from a hand at the last second knocked the aim off. A second blow to the Crimson Guard’s neck ushered his way to unconsciousness.

“Ah, vielen dank, Snake Eyes,” Nightcrawler said to the masked commando. “I like how you operate.”

Snake Eyes flashed him a thumbs up and melted into the darkness.

“Ja, I like your style.” Nightcrawler bamfed into the bunker then quickly bamfed back. “Zere is no scientist in zere.”

“It was some kind of trap,” Beach Head growled. “Now how are we gonna find him?”

“Perhaps I can be of assistance,” came a mysterious voice.

“Vas ist?”

“It’s Storm Shadow!” yelled Scarlett.

“If you have come here to fight, a fight you will get,” Spirit raised his fists.

“I have not come here to wage war,” the ninja replied. “I have come to settle a debt to my blood brother. You will find Dr. White in a cave just over there.”

Snake Eyes dashed off to the cave and quickly emerged with the scientist.

“Vait, I am confused. Is he a Cobra?” Nightcrawler asked.

“Sometimes,” Scarlett answered. “It’s complex.”

“He does more switching sides than Anne Heche,” Quick Kick quipped as Groucho Marx.

“The circle is complete,” Storm Shadow said mystically. “When next we meet, it will be as enemies.”

“We’ll be ready,” Scarlett answered as Storm Shadow disappeared into the night.

“The Joe team will always stand tall against the forces of evil,” Spirit added.

“That’s right, pilgrim,” Quick Kick said as John Wayne. “You tell ’em, big chief medicine man.”

“You do realize that I am a psychologist, don't you?” Spirit asked Quick Kick.

“Uh, no.”

“Looks like our mission was a success,” Beach Head said. “Let’s get back to the Tomahawk and head home. Yo Joe!”

“Yo Joe!” The Joes (except for Snake Eyes) yelled.