Friday, March 02, 2007

Jon and Nightcrawler: Everybody was kung fu fighting

We thanked the Polyphonic Spree for including us in their awesome jam session and for the cool robes then quickly made our way to the National Stadium by rickshaw.

“Hello gentlemen, I am famous Chinese actor and stuntman Sammo Hung.”

“Sammo Hung!” Nightcrawler and I exclaimed together.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I am a coordinator with the Olympic Games here,” he answered. “Who better to give the games some good publicity than me, star of the hit television show Martial Law?”

“Hey, I have a question about that show,” I said. “When that one guy threw a grenade at you, how did you manage to catch it, pry open a manhole cover, then toss it down into the sewer before it exploded? I mean, no way could you do all that in 5 seconds.”

“Ah, well let’s just say that we took a few liberties for the sake of entertainment,” the Asian stuntman answered. “It’s Hollywood, not everything has to be 100% realistic does it?”

“Hey, I like my foreign-born, fish out of water, kung fu, cop buddy cop shows to be as realistic as possible,” I answered, then winked at the camera.

“Why were you just winking?” Sammo asked.

“I was breaking the fourth wall,” I answered. “I don’t get to do that often, you know.”

Nightcrawler sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. “He does it every chance he gets.”

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my lawyer,” I said to the camera while pointing to my partner.

“Can we just get on with the challenge?” Nightcrawler asked. “You can speak into the camera all you want when it’s over.”

“Good idea,” I answered. “OK Sammo, we’ve got the greatest, most spectacular new Olympic event ever.”

“Ja, it’s really good,” Nightcrawler nodded.

“Well, let’s take it to the committee, then,” our rotund liaison said and he ushered us into onto the office where the committee members waited for our presentation.

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,” I nodded to the group. “I’m Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and my partner here is X-Man extraordinaire Nightcrawler. Let’s get right to it, shall we? I present to you, the undecathlon.”

“It’s one better than the decathlon,” Nightcrawler added as I held up a board with the number 11 on it.

“OK, this is designed to be competed on over a two day span, like the decathlon,” I continued. “And of course like Nightcrawler said, it’s one better.”

I paused as some of the committee members nodded at the notion.

“The first event is the 100 meter dash.” I pulled away the board to reveal another with a photo of sprinters on it.

“But that is already on the decathlon,” a committeeman protested.

“Oh we’re just getting started.” I showed them the next board. “Fastball Special!”

“Fastball Special?” another committeeman looked confused. “They’re supposed to throw each other or something?”

“Well yeah, a teammate, you know. It’s like a dwarf tossing, but more politically correct.”

“Olympic athletes are the best athletes in the world,” a committeewoman said. “Still, I do not believe they would be successful at throwing each other very far.”

“Yeah, but the Fastball Special is one of the best, most devastating moves in the X-Men’s arsenal,” Nightcrawler added. “The Fastball Special is very cool.”

“OK, what is the next event then?” a committeeman said.

“Obstacle course,” I answered.

“Not just any obstacle course,” my partner added. “This one is the Deadliest Obstacle Course in the world. It’s got a flaming hoop, spiked walls smashing together, swinging blades, and a slide dripping with green slime.”

The members of the committee stared at us silently for a moment.

“And then?” one said with trepidation.

“Hammer throw,” I said. They seemed to give a look of relief so I added. “The mighty hammer of Mjlonir!”


“Well not the real one,” Nightcrawler added. “Because, you know, only the truly worthy can wield that.”

“After that is the 400 meter sprint,” I continued.

“What’s so special about that event?”

Full Contact 400 meter sprint,” I replied.

“And then?”

“Javelin throw.” I showed them the next board.

“And is it a laser javelin or are they going to throw them at each other?” one asked cautiously.

“Naw just a regular one,” I said. “Those things are pretty cool.”

“And the next event?”

“Ten kilometer forced march with 80 pound rucks.”

“And the next?”

“Pugil sticks.”

“And then?”

“Pistol range.”

“And then?”

“One hundred and ten meter hurdles,” I answered.

“What’s the gimmick to that one?” a committeeman dared to ask.

“The hurdles are robots with stun guns!”

“And then?”

“The final event is the battle royal,” I said proudly. “Last contestant standing wins.”

“And how do we score these events?” a committeewoman asked.

“I’m not sure,” I rubbed my chin. “We just kind of figured that you guys would work out these details.”

“I vould think zat the events practically score themselves,” Nightcrawler added.

“Remember, this is the undecathlon,” I said. “One better than the decathlon.”

The committee looked at us silently again. Several uncomfortably quiet minutes ticked by.

“Well I like it,” Sammo Hung spoke up.


Blogger cooltopten said...

The undecathelon ,I like it :D . I especially like the 400m full contact sprint and the battle royal .sammo hung knows a good thing when he sees it.

2:23 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Jon it could have been grenade from the Korean war era, they had a 7 second fuse (info gleaned from watching too much “Rockford Files”)

Undecathlon, I like that name. I like that is one better then a decathlon. The phrase tickles my spine and makes my toes tap.

But what if someone comes up with a dodecahedroncathlon? What will happen then?

3:05 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Phew! That was close. For a second there I didn't think they were going to buy it. Flaming Circles of Death indeed.

6:27 AM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

How is th eflaming circle of death diffrent from Vegta and Logans Happy face of death?

10:43 AM  
Blogger Paula Abdrool said...

One has a happy face, silly! Maybe we could cover it in white chocolate and rainbow sprinkles! Then everyone could eat it after the event! It could be the thing that creates harmony between all the races of the world!

11:10 AM  
Blogger Simon said...

Wow, it's like you were running out of time and just threw together the first things you could think of. I'm surprised crap, garbage, refuse, and rubbish weren't mention because those were the first things that came to my mind when I read your post.

6:18 PM  

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