Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Lawyers, Elvi and Secrets

So I get to the Pit Stop at the Roy Rogers museum and Chuck motions me over.
"Umm the ahh. The CBS lawyers have to talk to you." he mentions awkwardly.
"What about?" I ask confused.
"They'll tell you." he replies and quickly ushers me into another room where these two are waiting for me.

"So what did I do this time?" I snap sarcacsticly.
The younger one smiles at me and shows me a photo of Cal riding on top of the Audi.
"And how does that get me into trouble?" I ask.
"Well it will get you into trouble IF you do it again. Hanna-Barbera are very tetchy when someone comes close to character infringement." explains the younger one. The older one is lookng around as if there is supposed to be someone else in the room.
"Which character did we infringe on?" I ask bemused.

"Grape Ape." sighs the young lawyer.
"Where's the sexy robot your supposed to have around you?" asks the fat old one. He smiles suggestively. "Never done it with a machine before. Well never one that sexy. Say can you make me one."
"And who do you think you are?" I demand.
"Denny Crane." announces the fat old one. "Here's my card get back to me. Money is no problem. I'm rich."
"Thank you Denny." says the younger one getting back on topic. "If you cease with having Mr Caliban on the roof. You wont be seeing us again."
And with that they left.

Caliban didn't want to go by train again but I had a thought that a plane might even be harder.
I wasn't as hard as I thought. We get to the ticket window and the lady there looks familiar.

"What'r you lookin at." she snaps in her rather distinct voice.
"You look like St. Paul train ticket lady." answers Caliban. He puts a finger out to touch her to see if she's real.
"Pointing like that is rude young man." dismisses the airport ticket lady and Caliban quickly hides his hand behind his back.
Cal and I get our Business Class seats (Cal is way too big for coach) it seems Cal has a bit of a celebrity. All through the flight the kids come up asking for autographs and pictures. Also they come to find out if Cal is real.
"Whoa! he realy is real." shouted one kid.
"Told you he was a real mutant." shouted another."This is SO airwolf."

So we arrive at the Bonneville Salt Flats and guess who's there to meet us. Elvis impersonators.
Ughh! I hate Elvis Impersonators. Caliban thinks differently about that.
"Yay! Elvis men. Viva Las Vegas." he shouts. The Elvi take a step back as he runs at them. Eventually when Cal has calmed down enough we get told what the Roadblock is.
"Me skydive as Elvi." he chirps.
They have an Elvis suit Cal's size but they don't have a parachute made for his weight.

So guess who had to jump with the Elvi.

Yep me.

I tried to be polite but the Elvi kept on creeping me out. C'mon these are men who, of there own volition have decided to dress up as a dead rock star who ate deep fried peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The guy weighed about as much as a baby elephant when he died. Elvis is not a good role model.
It took three goes for me to get it right. Three times I had to get in that cramped plane full of Elvi and then I had to jump out of an airplane and then try and get into formation with these freaks.

After the second failure Caliban took me aside and whispered in my ear.
"Me don't want to loose. Elvi not have cooties. Koma can touch them."
Needless to say I did it right the third time and no I didn't catch cooties from the Elvi.

So it was off to Vegas. We get out of the train at the depot to drive to Vegas and there are three choices of automobile waiting for us. I look at Goldy Luckman our camera person.

"Goldy whats this all about." I gripe.
"Umm the producers don't want Caliban riding on top of the car like Grape Ape. Pick which one you want." she answers.
"Ok Cal you choice." I say.
"The Hummvee. The Hummvee." he repeats excitedly. Its no Audi or even a Porsche but at least its not a crappy Lexus.

So we get to Las Vegas. I haven't been here for a long time. But it still looks as taky and as disgusting as it ever was. We get to Caesar's Palace and we get our choice's for the Detour. Celine Dion's lakey or perform on stage.

"We perform?" asked Caliban hopefully.
"No. We don't perform." I answer. Caliban looks shocked. I give him a sneaky smile back muffle an evil chuckle.

We arrive at the stage door of the Canadian superstar and the assistant tells us to wait.
"You gotta plan Koma? Me wanna know." demands Caliban.
I smile back at him and chuckle again.
"Awwww! It better not be Caliban do all the work. If it is Koma get in trouble." threatens Caliban.
"Relax! I have this all in hand. You'll see." I tell the albino.
The assistant ushers us in and there she is at her best.

She always was immaculate.
"Welcome racers to the Lackey Det..." She begins. "Austin. Austin Peters is that you?" all surprised she gets out of her chair and I take off my mask.
"Yeah its me. Been a while hasn't it." I answer.
She stretches out he hand. Then -!SLAP!- she hits me. I shake my head, she's got a bit better at that since 1998.
"I thought I told you never to see me again." She takes a few steps back and looks at Caliban.
"Hello.. Caliban is it?" she asks cradling the hand that struck me.
"Yeah. Why hit Koma?" asks Caliban back.
"Its a long story." she sighs, then looks at our trusty camera person Goldy Luckman. "You'll have to stop filming right now."
--- AMR3 has been able to obtain the following audio recording ---
CD = Celine Dion
K = Captain Koma
CB = Caliban
G = Goldy Luckman

CD - The camera girl leaves as does Caliban.
CB - Awww! I wanna know
K - Don't worry we may win this round cause of this. You do want to win don't you?
CB - Yes.
G - The produrcers are going to want to know why we aren't recording. What do I tell them.
CD - Tell them I stopped you filming. That should suffice.
** Caliban and Goldy leave the room **
CD - Your being very petty Austin you know that.
K - Hey I'm going up against powerfull people and some genius robot. I'm going to do anything to win.
CD - And if I don't give in?
K - Oh I'm more than willing to tell the story how you and the French secret service conspired to win Eurovsion 1998.
CD - I can see by the smile on your face that you would. But you were a part of it too. Are you sure I couldn't convince you not to. It was some victory party wasn't it.
K - I thought that was something we were never going to mention again. Anyway it doesn't bother me what people think I'm an Evil Genius. I'm supposed to do stuff like this.
** The phone rings **
CD - René! Oh yes, Austin is here you say. Well I didn't know that was him. He was wearing a mask. No he didn't bring anything up. Yes I'll come and see you right now.
K - I assume that means that we do some light task and we never see each other again.
CD - Yes. No get out of here.
--- The recording ends ---

So after getting our task for Ms. Dion off we go to the laundormat to pick up the dry cleaning.

"Haven't we seen this lady before?" whispers Caliban.
"Yeah this is getting creepy." I reply.
We get the stuff and high tail it to the Pit Stop.


Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Point of order, Elvis ate deep fried peanut butter and bananna sandwhiches.

Mmmmmm, deep fried peanut butter and banana sandwhiches..... agghlllagghhhlll....

Total bonus for Grape Apage, though, man!

8:04 AM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

So, It was you who helped Celine win. It was supposed to be my big break, Just a small town clone, trying to make his way in the music world ... and you took that all away from me. *eyes glow red, like Oprah on crack* You will die.

Oh wait , that wasn't me, that was Takkie Hiratumutta. My bad.

4:08 PM  
Blogger Mr. Bennet said...

Great post, creepy lady, amazing Elvi!

5:50 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

That was very clever Koma. Nice job.

6:08 PM  
Blogger Local Henchmen 432 said...

Nice job

7:15 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo said...

I smell an early lead.

Be careful- the Romans made pottery out of lead, and now their empire is gone.

Don't let the same fate befall you! Invest in education!

8:38 PM  
Blogger Paula Abdrool said...

You are awesome!! They might as well end this contest right now and declare you the winner!!

10:19 AM  
Blogger Randy said...

Yo dog, that lady at the cleaners is hee-ot! Think she's available?

10:00 PM  
Blogger Simon said...


7:56 PM  

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