Branson
I must admit, I’ve been reviewing my contract with a fine tooth comb. I had thought St. Paul was bad, but it’s nothing to Branson. Bible factory outlet? The Great Passion Play? Yakov Smirnoff? Ugh. Fortunately, we don’t have to deal with a local representative from Branson. Since a team that went with “good” was the first to come in, we had a representative from the U.S. Air Force, Capt. Nicole Malachowski, who is a pilot in the Thunderbird team. We did select a local to greet the winner, but only if the winner had chosen evil. How fitting. 
evil Bransonites, note the red eyes
But first, as we wait for the winner to arrive, let me give you my impressions of the race.
Jon& Nightcrawlwer: Holy freakin’ epic novels, Batman! It was almost as bad as that time I was subjected to a medley of Meatloaf’s longest songs. Brevity is a virtue you might want to look into.
Gyrobo & Gambit: The only people I could see being a market for your lemonade would be a bunch of rich, technophile atheists. And I do acknowledge your mad PowerPoint skillz.
Koma & Caliban: I suppose it is to your advantage that a lot of weird sh..stuff goes on in Smallsville.
Vegeta & Logan: Interesting use of hostage. I’m glad you and Logan cleared up any tension between you two.
AOC & Angel: Wow, I mean, wow, you really got hosed when it comes to possible Lana Lanes. You did show excellent ingenuity after losing your armor. That and it’s lucky you had so much space under your towel to hide those lemons.
Warbird & Scott: Maybe one leg of this race all you’ll only have to use is your intelligence to get through a mission, not rely on your looks. But I can see why you appeal to boys in Kansas. What is the term they use? Cornfed?
Henchman & Elixir: The depth of your plan is similar to quality of your work on this leg, minimal.
Noel & Beast: You my dear, are one more example of how nice can also mean sucker. Perhaps if you didn’t nag so much, Dr. McCoy/Beast wouldn’t have so many problems driving around a 3 road town in Kansas, he is a genius after all.
Gaia & Havok: Due to technical difficulties, Gaia’s camera man was lost when Havok had a fit at the start of the race so the producers will insert some stock footage of them in an SUV into this episode and hope no one asks what happened.
...........................
Ahh, here comes the first team. But wait! Right behind them is another team! AOC & Angel are racing towards the finish, thankfully both are fully clothed. Right behind them are Jon & Nightcrawler. They are neck and neck as they race to the finish. But wait! What is this new development? Jon is stopping, and starts to offer a some running commentary and then cracks a very lame ‘Yo Joe’ joke at which only he laughs since there are no Joes around to appreciate the humor. With that, AOC and Angel make a dash to the finish, followed by Nightcrawler dragging a still chattering Jon along. Then, in a last ditched effort, Nightcrawler throws Jon across the finish line, then with a might leaps, clears the heads of Angel and AOC, just barely beating them tothe finish first. Jon and Nightcrawler finish first.
Capt. Malachowski and the Professor congratulate them both then send them off for some excellent food at Roy Rogers and some rest.
Soon other contestants filter in, disappointed not to be first but happy not to be last. Soon all the teams are in and I can make the announcement. “Despite his statement of withdrawal from the race, Spidey on made the claim for himself. This violates the contract rules, so the losers of this leg of the race are Spidey and whoever the h*ll it was he was racing with. Can anyone remember?” I look around and everyone shrugs.
I grab a megaphone so that all within a 10km radius may hear me. “Let me share a bit of wisdom I once received from a teacher. A report, or any type of written thing, should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover everything that needs to be covered, but short enough to keep it interesting.” I look around at the contestants, “I suggest you all take that to heart.”
Cheers!
Simon
evil Bransonites, note the red eyes
But first, as we wait for the winner to arrive, let me give you my impressions of the race.
Jon& Nightcrawlwer: Holy freakin’ epic novels, Batman! It was almost as bad as that time I was subjected to a medley of Meatloaf’s longest songs. Brevity is a virtue you might want to look into.
Gyrobo & Gambit: The only people I could see being a market for your lemonade would be a bunch of rich, technophile atheists. And I do acknowledge your mad PowerPoint skillz.
Koma & Caliban: I suppose it is to your advantage that a lot of weird sh..stuff goes on in Smallsville.
Vegeta & Logan: Interesting use of hostage. I’m glad you and Logan cleared up any tension between you two.
AOC & Angel: Wow, I mean, wow, you really got hosed when it comes to possible Lana Lanes. You did show excellent ingenuity after losing your armor. That and it’s lucky you had so much space under your towel to hide those lemons.
Warbird & Scott: Maybe one leg of this race all you’ll only have to use is your intelligence to get through a mission, not rely on your looks. But I can see why you appeal to boys in Kansas. What is the term they use? Cornfed?
Henchman & Elixir: The depth of your plan is similar to quality of your work on this leg, minimal.
Noel & Beast: You my dear, are one more example of how nice can also mean sucker. Perhaps if you didn’t nag so much, Dr. McCoy/Beast wouldn’t have so many problems driving around a 3 road town in Kansas, he is a genius after all.
Gaia & Havok: Due to technical difficulties, Gaia’s camera man was lost when Havok had a fit at the start of the race so the producers will insert some stock footage of them in an SUV into this episode and hope no one asks what happened.
...........................
Ahh, here comes the first team. But wait! Right behind them is another team! AOC & Angel are racing towards the finish, thankfully both are fully clothed. Right behind them are Jon & Nightcrawler. They are neck and neck as they race to the finish. But wait! What is this new development? Jon is stopping, and starts to offer a some running commentary and then cracks a very lame ‘Yo Joe’ joke at which only he laughs since there are no Joes around to appreciate the humor. With that, AOC and Angel make a dash to the finish, followed by Nightcrawler dragging a still chattering Jon along. Then, in a last ditched effort, Nightcrawler throws Jon across the finish line, then with a might leaps, clears the heads of Angel and AOC, just barely beating them tothe finish first. Jon and Nightcrawler finish first.
Capt. Malachowski and the Professor congratulate them both then send them off for some excellent food at Roy Rogers and some rest.
Soon other contestants filter in, disappointed not to be first but happy not to be last. Soon all the teams are in and I can make the announcement. “Despite his statement of withdrawal from the race, Spidey on made the claim for himself. This violates the contract rules, so the losers of this leg of the race are Spidey and whoever the h*ll it was he was racing with. Can anyone remember?” I look around and everyone shrugs.
I grab a megaphone so that all within a 10km radius may hear me. “Let me share a bit of wisdom I once received from a teacher. A report, or any type of written thing, should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover everything that needs to be covered, but short enough to keep it interesting.” I look around at the contestants, “I suggest you all take that to heart.”
Cheers!
Simon
posted by Simon at 2:54 PM
9 Comments:
So close, but .... no wait it is still so close. Dang you Jon and your encyclopedic knowledge of the GI Joe team.
Uhh I mean congratulations. Good job. You get to buy the first round at the bar. What is that you say Simon? This is a Dry county. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
"should be like a skirt. Long enough to cover everything that needs to be covered, but short enough to keep it interesting"
It was a towel, not a skirt. Duh!!
Ok thanks a lot simon. I spend the week worrying about the fact that I don't have a long enough post and expect to get kicked off for not turning my post into an extended remix. Then you say that Spidey lost.
However that is all made wothwhile cause everyone else's post as so overlong you tell them all to stop gasbagging and get with the program like me.
Yay!
Koma
Anyone who can psychoanalyze every one of those stories in gory detail is deserving of our collective applause.
Or, if you will, corrective applesauce.
You were all super awesome!!
Bravo! Though I think a tie for first would have been interesting and well-deserved. You were robbed, towely!
But holy cow! I hope this is the longest leg you guys run on the Amazing Mutant Race. Got back to work today and it's taken me nearly all morning to read get caught up.
I suggest there be no more tactical military operations on the show.
I'm sure your employer would be thrilled to know how you spent your morning!
Professor, overtime is for getting work done. Regular time is for reading/writing blogs. I'm sure you know what it's like to have desk job.
Part of my job involves a desk. I have also done my fair share of blog purusal on company time. Not that I clear that with my employers before hand. ;-)
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