Friday, January 12, 2007


As we pull into Springfield I see two people holding up signs. One says “Good Guys” and the other says “Bad Guys”.

detour setup

Our Detour choices are joining the GI Joe team to rescue some scientist or Join C.O.B.R.A. and come up with an unstoppable plan to take over the world.

Angel and I step aside to discuss the matter. Angel starts with a surprise, “I say we work for the bad guys!”

What! How could you even think of doing that! We’re good guys. Right?” I sputter

Hear me out, we pretend to be helping C.O.B.R.A., gain their trust, then betray them by rescuing the scientist.” He smiles at his clever ruse.

I think it over for a bit. “No can do Angel. I can’t even conceive of working with someone, gaining their trust, then turning on them and killing them on some jungle planet or blowing them out of the sky or gunning them down on a frozen banking world. It is just not the Clone Trooper way. I am going to have to 66 that order.”

Don’t you mean 86 that order?” Angel asks.

I laugh nervously and say “Yeah, 86 not 66. Why would I say 66 Ha Ha. Betray the Jedi. That is just crazy talk. … Why are you pushing this so much? Just back off man, back off.”

We head off the GI Joe’s base.

Duke informs us that we need to help his team rescue four international scientists that have been kidnapped by C.O.B.R.A. Two men; Dr. Won Tung Low from China and Dr. Dixs Swaalowes from England and Two women: Dr. Ivana Hardmann from Russia and Dr. Anita Cox from America.

I’ll rescue the Chinese and English scientist.” Angel yells

Slow down Angel, We haven’t even worked out a plan yet.” I tell him

I continue, “Duke, after seeing the GI Joe team during their “stealth” training I am going to suggest that you lead your team on a frontal assault, while Angel and I sneak in the back door."

Lots of giggling comes from the GI Team.

I have experience sneaking in the back door.” Angel informs us. The Joes start giggling again.

I look at Duke who says “Sounds like a great plan; we’ll meet you in the middle of the Terror Dome. YO JOES!!!!”

The Joes yell back “YO JOES!!!!” Now you see why I didn’t want these yahoos with me.

30 minutes later Angel and I are creeping through the woods towards the Terrordome.
But where did you lose my armor? It was on the train right? All I have to wear now is these feathers and a towel from the Smallsville Women’s basket ball team. …”

Angel makes a shushing noise me from behind me and points to the back of the Terrordome. We see two guards and then hear the sound of the GI Joes attack. As the guards turn to see what is happening, I run up and give them Judo chop that Duke taught me. They go down like a sack of “Potatoes on a Sting (tm)”. We get into the base using the ridiculously easy Password: DUKEBITES.

Angel takes off a great speed saying he will find Dr. Low and Dr. Swaalows. I am left to find Dr. Hardmann and Dr. Cox. I check the Terrordome directory on the wall and see the “Female Prisoner Detention Block” and a handy “You are here” sticker. I ran all the way there.

With the Joe’s attack distracting the COBRAs, I am sure I only have to be on the look out for …


… the villain that is always left behind to look out for a rear attack. It was the Baroness!!! I am not surprised.

She looked at me with cold hungry eyes. “And who are you? GI Towel Boy.” she purred

moorison 3

Uhhh …. What? Oh you mean my outfit. Yeah, normally I would have cool armor and a blaster, but it was all lost at the train station….”

Ralph the Cameraman spoke up, “That’s not true TK 266; I think Angel just kind of forgot your stuff on purpose.”

I look at Ralph, “Are you sure? Because that is a little strange…”

HELLO, Evil Baroness of Destruction here!” The Baroness barked out.

So sorry Baroness. Yes, where was I …. OH, your evil ways are over and I am taking the Scientist now!” I stated.

She laughed evilly and sexily, but evil none the less. “You! All you have is an overweight cameraman, a towel and what appears to be huge lemons’ hiding under the towel. What are you going to do the stop me; A Baroness of C.O.B.R.A. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!” (She really does has a great sexy evil laugh)

Thanks for the reminder Baroness!” I yelled as I pulled out two lemons I had left over from the Smallsville challenge and had hid in my towel. With a mighty squeeze, I shot lemon juice right into the Baroness’s eyes. As she screamed with discomfort, I quickly pushed her in to one of the cell and locked it.

I opened the other cell and saw two women. “Who are you? I asked

Ivana Hardmann” shrieked one. “Anita Cox!” screamed the other.

Well you are both in luck; I am here for you!”

Both women swooned and I had to carry them both back to the exit.

Angel was there with Dixs Swaalowes and Dr. Won Tung Low.


Dude, where’s your shirt?” I ask

Uhh … I lost it in the battle to free Dixs and Won. … And they lost their shirts and pants in the same battle. Stop grilling me and run.”

We meet Duke back at his base. The other Joes look beat up, but all seem to survive.

“Your next destination is Branson, Missouri Home of the Roy Rogers & Dale Evans Museum. It was good working with you Towel Boy.” Duke tells me.

As I am about to leave I ask, “So how many of those C.O.B.R.A.s did you send to their death?”

Duke look shocked by the question, “What kind of sicko are you boy? We never kill anybody. We just blow up their vehicles and make them jump out onto things like soft snow, big bushes or pillows we lay down before a battle. Heck, we wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt.”

Confused, I jumped into our SUV, swung by the train station to grab my armor and headed off to Branson.

30 minutes later, we screech into the parking lot, just avoiding running into a statue of a horse. We jump out of the SUV and run across the parking lot …

tigger 2


Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Man, I love that sexy-but evil Barones laugh. I think my fondness for the Baroness is well documented. Too bad she is on the path of evil.

And I'm really suprised about those scientist's names. They sound so odd, but I can't quite place why...

7:09 AM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Too bad Baroness forgot her lemon juice proof wrap around tinted glasses. Too bad for her!

8:42 AM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Prof X: Yep! When will those evil villains learn that fashion should follow function. Not vice versa.

Bad guys are so lame that that what with giving their troops armor that cover the face or won't blend in most environments or inhibits you ability to catch a group of 4 losers and 2 droids.

I am glad that the Grand Army of the Republic doesn’t have that problem.

1:38 PM  
Blogger Wolverine said...

Yeah Iam just sayin' it right now.. so nobdy'd be surprised later I Ain't goin' on no missions that leave me alone with Angel.

2:32 PM  
Blogger Randy said...

Yo dog, that story was so good, I got Scarlett colored goose pimples while reading.

Oh no, those aren't goose pimples! Better go see the Doc

5:55 PM  
Blogger Local Henchmen 432 said...

Just don't share a shower with Angel.

10:32 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo said...

Potatoes on Strings are packed in soundproof crates, not sacks.

The crates are soundproof so the dockworkers don't have to hear the screams.

11:55 PM  
Blogger Paula Abdrool said...

You guys are hunks! You totally deserve to win just for looking so yummy!

9:14 PM  
Blogger Mr. Bennet said...

Sorry I'm late. Holiday. But what a great post! I particularly loved the lemons in your towel. Uh, you know what I meant.

11:17 AM  

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