Sunday, February 18, 2007

Pit Stop

Once again, another long week rewarded by piles of epic talent-less crap. And this time we had to deal with very literal interpretations of the rules by some of the contestants, an interesting change from norm of them pretending that they aren’t any rules. So let’s get on with it all and recap this week’s action.

AOC & Angel: You started off well, offering a variety of prayers. Then it came down to your shrine building. AOC’s attempt was crap. And while Angel’s was much better, there was still a small issue. The only beings on this planet who can use the wretched thing are the two tiny Mothra priestesses. I bet they’ll have fun hanging out with the micro midget ancestral ghosts.

Jon & Nightcrawler: You started off well, despite using a language for your prayer that’s been dead for well over 1000 years. Dr. Cox does indeed rule. But then came your shrine. While I could tolerate team Double A’s interpretation of the challenge, I can’t even begin to fathom what went through your head when you dumped your pile of rubbish out to be judged. I’ve spent some time trying to figure out what you were thinking and have two possible conclusions. It was either a shrine to your achievements/ego or you were simply proving that Americans has piss poor artistic appreciation. The only dead ancestors it could possibly honor are those of Jerry Springer guests.

Koma & Caliban
: The prayer was lacking in any depth, profound insight or quality, but it did contain a rousing sentiment for the men of the audience. Your float, however, was disturbing. Anna Nicole, while fertile, probably scared as many men as she seduced. But it qualified and at least you didn’t ask your significant other to tart it up on the float…

Vegeta & Logan
: We never did hear what your prayer was that apparently received Japanese approval. Perhaps we need a rule that family members, significant others and whatever other bizarre relations you have can’t show up and do the challenge for you. Through the duration of this contest, the parts of Bulma we haven’t seen amount to a few square inches. Even Anna Nicole on Koma’s float was wearing more clothing.

Gyrobo & Gambit: “A monk asked DonghanShouchu "What is Buddha?" Dongshan said, "Three pounds of flax". You’ve finally found your place with Koan, a bunch of unanswerable questions with moronic responses.

Noel & Beast: You did well with your Shrine. Your prayer could have been a bit more tailored to the Shinto crowd. And once again I must say, I’m surprised that you were the least uncomfortable with the challenge.

I must admit, when Xavier announced this leg of the race, I was expecting some creative and original interpretations of the theme. But I suppose all the boys saw were a bunch of plonkers and they froze. Here are some thoughts one could have used in a fertility float. Birds & bees (yes, it’s a bit western, but it works), rabbits, pregnant ladies, a bunch of babies. I came up with all of that in under a minute. You all are more prudish than a bunch of old Japanese people.

The first to make it to the pit stop this week was Koma and Caliban. Mazel Tov! After them came AOC & Angel. And last place was incredibly close this time. While Jon IG may have badgered the old priest into a blessing, Jon ‘if it ain’t PG, it ain’t for me’ IG’s monument to himself earned him a time penalty. It had nothing to do with honoring the ancestors of this place. Noel and Beast came in after Jon. Then Gyrobo and Gambit crossed the line. Vegeta and Logan followed, apparently losing some time while waiting for their ladies to get dressed.

While Vegeta and Logan did come in seconds after Gyrobo, they aren’t the ones leaving. Gyrobo and Gambit received a time penalty for not getting 5 Amens, hell yeahs, or mmmhmmms as well as a penalty for their float. Koan is part of Chan Buddhism. Buddhism and Shinto are not the same religion. While Shinto has been influenced by Buddhism, it is a separate religion. A blessing by a priestess from the wrong religion isn’t acceptable. Just like a Franciscan Friar at a bris isn’t kosher, your Buddhist float for the Shinto festival doesn’t fly.



Blogger Professor Xavier said...

I'm sorry to see Gyrobo go but you know what sticklers those English judges can be.

8:30 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo said...

I have won the greatest victory of all: failure.

Hooray for dualism!

8:42 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I guess that I should have explained my shrine better. Banana phones are phallic, the TV is for watching adult movies, clay statute is a totem of verility, and the energy drink is for obvious reasons.

10:18 PM  
Blogger captain koma said...

I will avenge you Gyrobo.

You departure from this race will not be lost upon me.

Keep it short, keep it tight, keep it ga... ahhh camp.

And I won.

How did that happen?

10:47 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

so we lose the holder of the Bear Mace(tm). Oh well, see you around. we will have to be content to hear Koma's insane ramblings now.

Simon: MAybe my tiny shrine was a symbol of Angel's diminished manhood. It wasn't about mine ... honest.

10:53 PM  

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