Thursday, February 15, 2007

Thanks for the Mammaries

Before we line up Chuck comes and pulls us aside. There's this guy with him and he's got a camera.
"This is Brad." introduces Chuck. "He's your new camera-man. The same rules apply as before you can't speak to the camera person unless you have to." With that Chuck rolls away.
There's an awkward silence as Brad nervously waits for something.
"Hi Brad I'm Caliban. Welcome to Team Koma." says Cal who puts his hand out to be shaken.
"Thanks its great to be on board." answers Brad shaking Cals hand enthusiasticly. Brad then turns to me.
I ignore him.
"Team Koma to the Rainbow Bridge. You leave in one minute." calls one of the production crew.

Goldylocks is there and again, he ignores me.
"Caliban my heart is happy to see thee not having a child's mind." greets Thor.
"Yeah but it'd never have happened if I didn't do this race with Koma." replies Cal.
"How you cooperate with this villain astoundeth me." says Thor.
"Well Koma's not a villain, not really. He just follows his own rules." Cal replies defending me.

After thats done Thor does his thing with his hammer and before you can say Beta Ray Bill we're back on earth.

"Welcome to Komaki, Japan. I'm Mark Hammil your host for this leg of the Amazing Mutant Race 3." says the ever youthful Hammil.
"Mark Hammil. Dude what are you doing here?" asks Cal.
"Why do we have a guide?" I grumble.
"Well I was appointed as your guide through the wonderfull Honen Matsuri..."
"Harvest Festival, Shinto thing if I'm right." I interrupt playing the smart arse.
"Correct Koma." replies Hammil. "Have you been to Japan before?"
"Yeah, but I never got out of Osaka." I answer.
"Well your in for a treat the Honen Matsuri is an amazing festival." Hammil was going to continue so I stopped him.
"Save the tourist shit for the voice over Hammil, and give us the damn Roadblock." I demand.
"Well really I'd heard you were an ass. Looks like its true. Hope you lose." He gives me the roadblock and leaves.
"I love you doing the Joker." calls out Cal.
"Leave it Cal the little old mans gone." I tell him.
"Koma I know your pissed off but I like him. He does the best Joker." protests Cal.
"Hey if you like him that much why don't you marry him." I snap back.
Cal grabs me one handed and lifts me off the ground bringing us face to face.
"KOMA DON'T GIVE ME THIS CRAP. GOLDY'S NOT HERE. GET OVER IT." he shouts in my face. Puts me down suddenly and grabs the roadblock from me and reads it.
"Well one of us has to get dressed up and come up with an original prayer at some Shinto Temple." informs Cal."And since YOU chased off our only guide we have to find this Tagata Jinja by ourselves."
"Hang on." I reply. "This is a big festival and if my memory serves me correct they carry a huge penis from one temple to another."
"So all we have to do is follow the guys with the big penis?" asks Cal. Just a bit self conscious of what he just said.
"As awkward as that sounds to any heterosexual man. Yes, we follow the crowd of men carrying a big penis." I try not to smirk. And then a chuckle escapes from Brad.
"Guys...Big Japan." He chuckles.
"Brad thats just racist." I reply.
"But it is funny Koma." replies Cal.
"Yeah." I agree. And we all break into laughter.
As I said there were a lot of guys with an enormous wooden penis. Oh and there was barrels of Sake. Which obviously helped to dull the homophobia that most men get in this kind of situation.
Getting to the Shrine the Priests look at Cal and are very happy. Before either of us can nominate which one is dressing up they grab Cal and lead him into a small room.
When he comes out I try not to laugh.
"Even when before I got my mind back I'd still think this was embarrassing." he complained.
"So do you have an original prayer?" I ask.
"No. I was kinda hoping you know have one ready." asks Cal.
"Who's the evil genius." I reply and give him a folded piece of paper.
"You are." He answers. Cal is then ushered to where he's supposed to pray.
"I pray for the people of Japan. That the bounty of the land and of the sea that is justly theirs will be plentiful. That they will smash the Americans at Baseball. That their women will only get more sexy and that the Sake will flow like rivers. Two Geisha's for every guy. Banzai!"
"BANZAI!" The drunk crowd all shout as one.
Well that worked. Cal gets the Detour given to him by the priest and comes over to me.
"I got a bit worried around the beating us at baseball. But it sure worked." thanked Cal.
"Yes." I reply. "Appeal to the lowest common denominator and drunk men will always approve."
Cal reads the detour.
"The Detour involves making one of two things." begins Cal when from nowhere he's interrupted by.
"Yes your right Caliban the next challenges are called: To be, and Or not to be." announces Mark Hammils voice from somewhere.
"Hammil this isn't funny." I spit.
"I think its a stroke of genius." replies the little man. "Now In To be, teams must design an appropriate float to celebrate the spirit of fertility and march it through the parade. At the end, the review committee will rate the entries. The teams must receive at least 6 out of 10 points for promoting the theme of the festival."
I search for the source of the voice over. Its above me. I look up and see 3 speakers hovering above us.
"In Not to be..." continues Hammil. But I stop him by shooting at the speakers with my blaster.
I hit one of them.
"Hey Koma nice shot." Teases Hammil. "But Sony gave 20 of these flying speakers to CBS so they could keep you in check. I hope you can shoot them all and not loose this leg of the race."
"Hammil you bastard." I shout. I shoot down the remaining two.
"Koma he's right if you let him get to you like that we wont win at all." advises Cal.
"Your right. But after this leg if I see the little freak I'm gonna kick his ass." I fume.

Cal decides Shrines are too creepy for him so we do the Float.
"So we have to celebrate the spirit of fertility. What the hells that?" questions Cal.
"Well in some cultures it's got to do with the cycle of the season." Explains Brad. "Winter, death. Spring, rebirth and new life."
"Arts and Culture degree huh Brad." I say.
"Yeah. Why do you think I'm a cameraman." he complains.
"But sex and big penises is what this festivals about. So shouldn't we do something about that?" Questions Cal.
"I am not doing a big penis float Cal." I protest.
"Who said anything about doing something male." says the disembodied voice of Mark Hammil from a new flying speaker.
"Ugh! want to taste blaster Hammil?" I ask reaching for the weapon.
"Koma Marks right." agrees Cal."I told you he was cool."
"Your off the hook for now Hammil." I warn

So we finish the float and we get a lot of ooos and ahhhs.
Then we pass by the drunk guys from the Temple. They start hooting and hollering.

"Just what is this float about." asks one of the Parade Judges.
"Its a tribute to a goddess of fertility." replies Cal smiling.
"Good. Just one more question." asks the Judge. "You're Captain Koma right?"
"Yeah." I reply knowing whats coming.
"How much for one of those Anna-Nicole Smith synthoids?"
"A perfect score for the float." I answer.

We run to the train. Brad's not as fast as Goldy so Cal has to carry him. The trains nice. We get to the Nagoya Station pile into the first Taxi and the driver is
... guess who.
"Hello boys nice to see you again." says the new robo-Bea maliciously. "Self destructing now."
- BOOM -
The car goes up in flames taking the new robo-Bea with it. I of course teleported us to safety.
We get in the next taxi, my sensors tell me he's human but they've been wrong before.
We arrive at the Nagoya Hilton. Thankfully Paris is nowhere to be seen.


Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Clearly Koma is winning the Photoshop contest so far. Your float looks rather . . buoyant.

8:46 PM  
Blogger captain koma said...

Its made of silicone.

So it floats as well.

11:41 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Great! All my good jokes made about the Woodcock Johnston learning disability test were trashed when Koma moved his post. Dang you

Vote Tak and Angel or you hate the troops ;)

2:49 AM  
Blogger SHI said...


9:01 AM  
Blogger Randy said...

Yo dog look out for Robo Bea
She's so scary that in my pants I almost had to pee.

2:44 PM  
Blogger captain koma said...

Nice rhyme Randy.

6:02 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo said...

I also hate Mark Hamill, but only because he's been stealing my paper.

I know it's him, I just can't prove it... yet.

10:05 PM  
Blogger Simon said...

I don't normally associate fertility with dead women. But if that is what strikes your fancy, so be

2:58 PM  
Blogger captain koma said...

Hey its like what Brad said. Birth Life Death. Its all a cycle.

Its also the silliest idea I could come up with so I ran with it.

Hey it got me a perfect score.

11:44 PM  

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