Thursday, February 08, 2007

Sex,Drugs and Poker (in that order)

There's a knock at the door.
"Koma! Ten minutes to race." calls one of the production crew through the door.

"Arrrgh!" screams Goldy. "You were supposed to ask for a 6 A.M. wake up call." She lauches herself out of the bed and scrambles around tyring to find her clothes.
"I think you'll be needing these." I say still in bed holding some of her underwear.
She goes to snatch them. I tease her and pull them away.
"Austin." she complains. "I was supposed to be at the production meeting over an hour ago. If they find out I spent the night here. My ass is fired."
"And its such a nice one too." I reply and give them to her them. She dresses quickly and goes to the door.
"You don't want to do that Goldy, they'll catch you." I warn her.
"Then how do I get back to my room?" she snaps.
Damn she's sexy when she's angry.
I teleport her to her room. It was a good thing she locked the door before she came down last night. I was supposed to wake her up at six so she could sneak back. Now did I forget on purpose or not. I'll let you all figure that one out.

I get to the start line with seconds to spare. Goldy is already there camera on shoulder, making sure I can't talk to her. The other racers are lined up.

I nod to Jon and Kurt.
"Good Luck Dr McCoy." I call to Hank.
"Good Luck to you Dr Peters." He replies .
To Tak and Angel I mouth the word 'Losers'
I ignore Vegeta and Logan. Logan snarls in defiance.
"Henchy!" I call as I pass. He offers me a low five. I give him my hand and he grabs hold of it and pulls me closer.
"Got some camera-girl 'eh." he whispers in my ear. My sly smile in response is all he needs.

I look over to Gyrobo and Gambit in the yeild area. I know how that feels. Damn! I'm glad thats not Cal and me.

The race plan says we gotta go to the Marvel Studios. Fine with me. They say we can get there anyway we want. I ask if the teleporter is ok. The producers don't seem to mind THIS time. So its one -!voip!- and we're there in front of.... Oh crap!
This ain't Marvel Studio's.

"Excuse me you people look lost. Can I help you?" I turn to see who's asking.
"Judge Reinhold!" I exclaim. "You were in the Beverly Hills Cop movies."
"Yes I was but I was also in The Santa Clause. And many other great movies. Not to mention Sienfeld for which I got an Emmy Nominattion." He smiles.
"You know where Marvel Studios is?" asks Cal.
"Well I am on my way there to audition for a role in the up and comming Ant Man movie." he answers.
Judge collapses to the floor like a sack of spuds. I put the neural destabliser away.
"Koma why'd you do that?" complains Goldy.
"Yeah!" adds Caliban."He was going to take us to the Studio."
"One. the stuidio's over there." I point behind Cal to where Thor is waiting. "And Two there is no way this chump is going to play Ant Man. I missed my chance to stop Ben Afleck playing Daredevil. And don't we all regret that."
"Ok." shrugs Cal.
Goldy goes to scold me and then stops.
"Yeah." she agrees. "Even I thought that was bad casting."

We walk up to Goldilocks and he's not happy to see me.
"Koma". he growls my name. "I am mightly grieved that thee is in this Mutant Race. However the Professor has vouched for thee. So entry to the realm of Asgard tis thine."
Instantly the rainbow bridge materialises in front of us.
"Magical. Cool." exclaims Caliban.
"Its just a different from of science Cal." I tell him. Thor gives me sharp look. I ignore it.

We get the Roadblock and then ushered into the Hall. There the corpulent Volstagg is waiting a pre-drinking stein of Ale in hand.
"So tis is the scoundrel and the monster with the childsmind." announces the rotund one.
"One my minds all clear now." corrects Cal. "And two you keep on calling people monsters you might get called something youself. Fatty."
He's learnt so much from me it just makes me smile with pride.
"So you have found your mind. And your wit too I see. Come Caliban lets test your metal." offers the volumnous one.
And with that Cal takes a seat and grabs a waiting pitcher of Ale and begins chugging it down.
"Steady Cal. Its not a race." I warn. Honestly I don't know how the Ale will effect Cal, it could just make him drunk or worse he could regress.

He goes drink for drink with Volstagg after 5 he look a bit tipsy.
"Cal are you ok." I ask
"Shhhure M'I Okie." he replies.
"Maybe you should take a breather." I offer.
"No I can drink more than Vollll, than Vollll, than Fatty can. Eshy." And with that he polishes of another pitcher of Ale.
"This is going bad." comments Goldy.
"Well he's doing pretty well seeing that he's never drunk before." I say.
"WHAT!" she answers. "You let him do this. Austin what were you thinking?"
"Hey I was going to do this but Cal accepted the challenge Volstagg gave him. I Couldn't stop him." I explain.
Goldy didn't reply she just shouldered the camera.
"I'd shay your in the doghoushe t'night Koma." jibes Cal downing his 8th pticher.
I turn to see Goldy looking quite mad.
"After this leg." I say to her.
"AFTER." she growls. You know I may be in heaps of trouble but she's so sexy when she's angry. Then behind me I hear a large 'THUD!'
Cal's hit the floor.
"I can get up. Don worriesh." he slurs. He tries to get upright. However he loses his balance and he finds the floor again. "I thishk I'll stay downsh here." and with that he falls asleep.
Volstagg finds this ever so amusing.
"Ho ho ho! Twas a poor effort, one would think he'd never had a drop of Ale in his life. Come Koma let's see how thee fares." his smile is one of pure confidence. And he's right to think so. But I'm not going to play by his rules I'm going to cheat.
I take the first pitcher and go through it just slower than Volstagg.
"Ah-ha! Pacing thineself. Tis a fair strategy." compliments the Asgardain answer to Fat Bastard.

My sensors tell me the Ale is about 18.5% alcohol. Ok I may have an Australian thirst but thats nothing when compared to Logan and I'd bet good money Volstagg can drink him under the table. But Cal has taken up 20 minutes which only gives me 40 mins to drink and not the whole hour. To help me even futher I do some fancy work with the teleporter sending the Ale from every second mouthfull somewhere else. Unfortunately I get the co-ordinates wrong and the Ale appears out of nowhere and then falls on the table.
"My Troth! Ale is just falling from the sky. You are a rouge Koma." He replies and then laughs hartily.
At the end of the hour is I'm just over tipsy. Which was proved by my learing at the Bar Wenches
'Gee those Bar Wenches aren't all that bad.' I think to myself giving them a tipsy smile.
 They smile back.
"Koma. Cals still out and you've got another task to perform." reminds Goldy. Though I think she was just getting my mind of those Bar Wenches.
"Thanks Goldy." I reply but..."Your sex kitten, you know that." slips out.
Big Whoops!
"Caffine tablets..." I tell myself."I got Caffine tablets somewhere." I fumble through my belt and my coat.
"Neural Destabiliser, Keys to the Lair, UV flashlight, C-4, ahhh the remote to the DVD player thats where that went." and finally. "Ah tablets, anti-poison, anti-inflamitory, anti-flatulence...which I don't need. Ah-ha Caffine Tablets."

I take two start me up again. As for Cal I think about leaving him there but we'd lose the race. So I wake him up.
"Uh -snort- wha. Koma, Did I beat the Fat guy?" he asks.
"No. Take these." I give him the Caffine tablets.
"But I still feel slee - py." he said tired. And then his eyes dialated. He sat bolt up right.
"I'mawakdeKoma. ReallyI'mawake." he said. He looked around with quick jerking movements.
"Let me guess you've never had coffee before have you Cal?" I ask
"Yeahyou'rerightKoma.Neverhadcoffeebefore.It'sarealrush." Cal replied."Letsgetonwithitshallwe." Cal gets up and strides off at double pace.

'Can this get any worse.' I think.

I thought way too soon. Cause our options in the detour are....
Norse god of mischief. Who describes hiimself as complicated and not in anyway evil. You gotta like that kind of style. But play Texas Hold'em against him. Thats just asking for a loss or worse.

Then there's...
The Frost Giants - Well the name says it all and we have the opportunity to fight four of them.

"SoKomawegonnafightthegiantsoryougonnabeatLokiatcards?" asks Cal
"Well both have their negatives. And I don't see many postives here at all. So I'll flip a coin. Heads we play cards, tails we fight giants."

Of course it lands Heads doesn't it. I have to match wits with a lying, two-face, underhanded immortal. Oh yeah he's also really adept at magic and doesn't care if I live or die.

"So Dr Peters come to play have you?" His voice is one of absolute evil dipped in chocolate. It will kill you, but it sure tastes good.
"YeahKoma'scometoplayandhe'sgonnabeatyourass!" big notes Cal.
Loki just looks at me and raises one eybrow.
"Caffine tablets. And he's never had coffee before. Sheltered upbrining." I mention.
We sit at the table and dealing the cards is...
"Nixon!" I exclaim.
"Yeah. See I made a deal with Loki here and I got to be President but now I end up serving his whim." explains the former US President.
"What about Watergate?" I ask.
"Well that was just a screw up." he answers. "So are we gonna play cards?" 
So we play cards.

'Beat Loki at cards.' I thought. It'd be easier to force feed Nicole Ritchie.
After a few hands I'm up to $740. I was expecting Loki to beat me into the ground. But here he was dangling the carrot of success in front of me. If I bet high in the next hand I could have him down to his last hundred. Hell I could win. However this was Loki I was playing, one of the really evil guys. And then it dawned on me.

The cards were delt and the first bet was mine. I didn't even look at them. I put out the minmum $20 dollars.
"All in." Called Loki. He was smiling, like he had the best hand in the world.
I take a look at my cards. Two Aces. A very good hand. The odds he had a better hand are very small.
"Fold." I say.
"WHAT!" snaps Loki. Then he composes himself, gives Nixon a nasty look and sorts his winnings.

The next hand the same happens I get a great hand and..
"All in." Calls Loki.
"Stop right there. Why are you letting me win?" I ask.
"A request has been made by someone who wishes to remain anonymus, that I throw this game." explains Loki.
"Your not joking are you?" I ask again
"Do I look like the joking kind?" Loki replies.
"No of course you don't." I say to myself.
"All In." I call.
Nixon deals the flop, the turn and the river. And I win. Easy as that.

"Whatwasthatallabout?" asks Cal still affected by the Caffine Tablets.
"Honestly I don't know Cal." I answer. "But lets burn off some of that Caffine eh!" We sprint through Asgard back to the Rainbow Bridge.



Blogger Robin said...

Is it just me or does Thor look like a transvestite stripper from Las Vegas?
Caffine tablets?
They make those?
Then why is Starbucks still in buissness?

12:43 PM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Those, uh, anti-flatulence tablets. Can I borrow one? Er, it's for a friend. Yeah.

1:01 PM  
Blogger captain koma said...

Hmmm I've always wondered about Thor's leanings. He's rarely seen with female intow and as you said Robin he does go for the tight and skimpy range. Mybe he just likes showing of his impressive muscles.

Or maybe not.


7:02 PM  
Blogger captain koma said...

And Jon of course you can have some of the anti-flatulence tablets for your friend its not like I need them.

8:15 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Wow, Loki threw the game. If someone is clling in the favors of minor gods, then you are either really lucky, or really screwed.

12:33 PM  
Blogger Robin said...

So who's this mysterious friend of which you speak of Jon?

2:33 PM  
Blogger captain koma said...

Well it can't be lucky. Cause that happened the night before the race. And a guy can't get lucky twice can he?

6:16 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo said...

Be careful; I've dealt with Nixon before, and he is shreddin'.

6:28 PM  
Blogger Local Henchmen 432 said...


10:21 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Sounds like the fix might be in. Unfortunately Loki can block my telepathic powers.

8:40 PM  

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