Jon and Nightcrawler and a new drinkin' buddy

The Mighty Thor stood in front of us with his arms crossed.

“So, thou wantst to travel to the sacred halls of Asguard, dost thou?”

“Jah, mein freunde,” Nightcrawler answered.

“Then you must pass the test of Thor.” A sly grin crossed his lips.

“A test?” I asked. “No one said anything about a test.”

“Worry not, mortal.” Thor clutched his mighty hammer Mjolnir. “Your test is but four questions. Four questions, though thou shouldst not take yon queries lightly.”

Nightcrawler and I looked at each other.

“Ve are ready,” my teammate said.

“Very well.” The son of Odin towered over us. “What is your name?”

“Uh, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator,” I answered.

“What quest are thou on?”

“Ve wish to win ze Amazing Mutant Race,” Nightcrawler said quickly.

“How dost thou catch a unique rabbit?”

“Unique up on it!” I said triumphantly.

“And how dost thou catch a tame rabbit?”

“The tame way!” I answered quickly.

“Very good.” Thor spun his hammer and a rift tore open revealing the Rainbow Bridge. “Keep your hands and feet upon the Bridge at all times.”

“Zat test seemed awfully familiar,” Nightcrawler said.

“Forget it,” I answer. “Let’s just move on to the challenge.”

“I must confess zat I am not much of a drinker. I think the Volstagg challenge is more up your alley.”

“I was thinking that, too,” I said.

“Volstagg ist immense. I don’t think any mortal can stand toe to toe with him in a drinking contest.”

“I think you’re right,” I conceded. “Fortunately, I have a plan.”

“Ho ho! Who is ready to drink with me?” Volstagg cheerily rumbled as we entered his domain.

“I am your man,” I stepped up. “What’s our poison?”

“Ho ho, mortal! I like your style! We shall start with a flagon of Dragon Piss. Few have the constitution for this.” The immense warrior hoisted a large wooden tankard and downed it quickly. He squinted, burped, then laughed heartily.

I lifted my drinking vessel up. “One request.”

“Oh, and that is?”

“I’m a hasher,” I said. “I need a drinking song.”

“A drinking song?” boomed the Asguardian. “Ha ha! I have one for you!

“It’s all for me grog, me jolly jolly grog
It’s all gone for beer and tobacco
Well I spent all me tin on the lassies drinking gin
And across the western ocean I must wander!”

With his singing, I gulped down my drink. I immediately felt its dizzying effects, but I kept myself together.

“Wow!” I said. “That shtuff is shtrong!”

“Ha ha! If you fight like you drink, then I will gladly take your side in the battle of Ragnarök!” He hoisted a mead. “We must drink more!”

“Can I interesht you in a drinking song?”

“By all means!” he roared.

As he chugged the drink I sang:

“Drink it down, you Asguard warrior
Drink it down, you Asguard chief chief chief chief
A zoomba zoomba zoomba, a zoomba zoomba hey
A zoomba zoomba zoomba, a zoomba zoomba hey!”

“Glorious!” he roared. “I have one for you!

“And the blood was ankle deep.
And the River Skral ran crimson red.
On the day above all days.
When Kahless slew evil Molor dead.”

“Great shong,” I slurred after I downed my mead.

“Aye, heard it I did on a trip to a distant planet. Have an ale!”

He downed his drink as I sang a song.

“Yogi lives in Jellystone, Yogi Yogi
Yogi lives in Jellystone, Yogi’s a lucky bear
Yogi’s a lucky bear, Yogi’s a lucky bear
Yogi lives in Jellystone, Yogi’s a lucky bear

Yogi has a little friend, Boo Boo, Boo Boo
Yogi has a little friend, Boo Boo, Boo Boo bear
Boo Boo, Boo Boo bear! Boo Boo, Boo Boo bear!
Yogi has a little friend, Boo Boo, Boo Boo bear

Yogi has a girlfriend Cindy, Cindy
Yogi has a girlfriend Yogi's a lucky bear
Cindy Cindy Bear, Cindy Cindy Bear
Yogi has a girlfriend, Cindy Cindy Bear

Cindy like lingerie, teddy teddy
Cindy likes lingerie, teddy teddy bear
Teddy Teddy bear, Teddy Teddy bear
Cindy likes lingerie, Yogi’s a lucky bear

Boo Boo’s only three feet tall, Boo Boo, Boo Boo
Boo Boo’s only three feet tall, Yogi’s a lucky bear
Yogi’s a lucky bear, Yogi’s a lucky bear
Boo Boo’s only three feet tall, Yogi’s a lucky bear!”

“Ah this is a fine song of a brave animal!” Volstagg held his large wooden cup high, then slammed it down onto the table. “Your turn, my friend!

“Ah, ah,
We come from the land of the ice and snow,
From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow.
The hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands,
To fight the horde, singing and crying: Valhalla, I am coming!

On we sweep with threshing oar, Our only goal will be the western shore.

Ah, ah,
We come from the land of the ice and snow,
From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow.
How soft your fields so green, can whisper tales of gore,
Of how we calmed the tides of war. We are your overlords.

On we sweep with threshing oar, Our only goal will be the western shore.

So now you'd better stop and rebuild all your ruins,
For peace and trust can win the day despite of all your losing!”

I downed my ale, slammed the cup on the table and propped my head up on my arm.

“That wash a great shong, buddy,” I said. “Man, that Zep totally rocks.”

“Alas, my friend, our hour is up!” Volstagg thundered. “You have the eye of a tiger and the stomach of an insane polar bear!”

“That’shh right, buddy and don’t you ferget it.” I fell off my arm and smacked the side of my face on the wooden table.

“We must drink again!” Volstagg roared. “When once more you visit Asguard, you shall look me up!”

“You got it, Volstaggerino!” Nightcrawler helped me to my feet. “Thish ish my pal… He’sh my real friend.”

“Zat’s right, Jon,” Nightcrawler wrapped my arm around his shoulders and escorted me out the door. “But we have the next challenge now.”

“Oh yeah, cool,” I said. Then I burped one of those wet, back-of-the throat burps. “Ulp. Shorry, buddy. You’re my one true buddy Kurt. Can I call you Kurt?”

“Sure, vhy not.”

“Thanksh chummmmmmmm.” I then looked and saw the camera pointed at me. I don’t get to break the third wall very often. “What are you lookin’ at?”