Thursday, February 01, 2007

Walt is an evil genius

Ok we gotta go to Disneyland. We go by plane its faster. Faster is better.
"I used to dream of going to Disneyland as a kid." said Caliban on the plane to L.A.
"Really." I was a bit taken aback.
"Yeah every kid thinks Disneyland is a the greatest place on earth." chimed in Goldy Luckman.
"Et tu Goldy." I griped.
"Oh and you didn't want to go to Disneyland as a kid." snapped Goldy smiling.
"Hey I wanted to rule Disneyland. But Walt beat me to it." I replied.
"You really wanted to rule Disneyland?" Goldy shook her head in disbelief. "Why doesn't that surprise me."
The fasten safety belt sign flashed and the captain told us we were on our approach to LA, and Goldy went back to her seat back in coach. OK so Caliban and I were in luxury and Goldy was stuck back with the proles. I wanted her up in first class but the producers wouldn't let me pay for her.
"You like Goldy don't you Koma." sniggered Caliban and he dug his elbow playfully into my ribs.
"Ow! that hurt Cal." I complained.
"C'mon Koma you like her." He nudged me again.
"Yeah I do." I admited. "But I don't think she's intrested."
"We'll see." smiles Caliban. "We'll see."

A rather exasperating drive thorugh LA to Disneyland later and we were looking at Maine Street USA.
"Amazing. Its just amazing." I said with a wicked grin.
"See everyone loves Disneyland. It takes you back to when you were a kid." enthused Goldy.
"Its not that Goldy. Honestly, till now I'd never believed it. But Walt Disney was an Evil Genius." I replied.
"What. How can you think that?" she said amazed.
"Who but a deluded genius could dream this up and then want to live here. C'mon look at." I appealed. "Would a normal person want to live here. No only kids, the mentally insane and pedophiles."
"Ugh!" complained Goldy and she hefted her camera onto her shoulder. Which meant she was filming and we couldn't talk to her.
"Koma lets go, we gotta win this leg." Caliban woke me from my ranting and dragged me to the next part of the race. And who was out the front of the Star Tours ride?
"TAK!" Caliban screamed. Cal ran at him, Tak turned around just in time for Caliban to kick him squarely in the family jewels. He fell to the ground cluching his gonads.
"Cal! Stop it!" I yelled. "Its not AOC."
"Oh! Sorry." Caliban applogised to the guy. He didn't really reply, except to groan and bit and roll around. "Koma I really thought that was TAK."
"You stay here, Goldy and I will do the roadblock." I ordered. "I think you need a breather."
Caliban smiles at me and winks. Under his breath he whispers. "Go for it."
I reply with a puzzeled look. Caliban motions towards Goldy and winks again. The penny drops.

Goldy and I take our seats.
The ride begins with C3-PO giving this stupid saftey speach. Then the lights dim Goldy puts the camera down and I take this as being my cue. I go for the fake-yawn manouver. Why in the world I tried it I just don't know but it didn't fool her.
"Koma do you think this is a date?" she asks.
"Well umm. Maybe" I sputter.
"Cause if this isn't a date thats attempted groping." Goldy points out. "But if this is a date you should ask first to see if I'm intrested."
I knew that was my cue to ask but it was that very moment R2-D2 appeared on the screen. So like all males of my species I turned my attention to the screen and not the female of intrest.
"Great the top of space mountian." I felt good I had the clue and I had Goldy's intrest. Well I thought I had Goldy's intrest. "Sorry about that." I said in my best Maxwell Smart accent. She didn't reply, in fact she ignored me for the rest of the ride.

Outside the ride Caliban is nowhere to be seen. I ask one of the Stormtroopers where Caliban has gone.
"Lost your partner 'eh Koma." replies Tak.
"Loser." taunts Angel from behind.

I reach for my Neural Destabiliser these white maggots are going down.
"Excuse me are you Captain Comma?" asks a security guard.
I was just about to ignore him when Goldy looked at me the way women do when men are going to do something they think is right but which women think is just plain stupid. So I put the pause on taking out team White Trash and answer the guard.
"Thats Captain KOMA." I corrected. "And what do you want?"
"A Cal-i-ban." he recites phonetically. "Has been taken to the detention area. You will have to come with me."
Great! I get the clue to go to the top of Space Mountian and instead I'm going with this security guard to bail Cal out. Goldy comes too but in camera-woman mode so I can't appologise about the mess on the Star Tours ride.
The detention centre reminds me of something I'd see before I just couldn't put my finger on it.
Cal was looking very embarresed and rightfully so. If this went for any longer we'd lose this leg.
"What happened?" I asked the security manager.
"Your teammate was creating a disturbance. He says he was chasing an evil Bea Arthur." informed the security manager.
"It WAS an evil Bea Arthur." pleaded Caliban. "She walked up to me bold as brass and then pulled a gun on me. I was able to get the gun off her but she ran away. I chassed her and would have gotten her but these goons stopped me."
"We can't have events like this at Disneyland." scolded the security manager. "Mr Caliabn will have to remain here during your stay."
I wasn't going to have any of this. Cal was my partner and he wasn't going to sit in this cell for another minute.
"I want to see Walt." I ask politely.
"Pardon sir!" replied the security manager in disbelief. "Walt has been dead for some time. I will call the head of security but I doubt.."
"I want to talk to Walt NOW!" I demanded.
The security manager shakes his head. He's thinking great why is it alwasy me who get the crazy ones. I turn to the security camera in the cell and talk to it.
"My name is Dr. Ausitn Peter's. I made Walts enhancments. I'm calling in the favour." I asked firmly.
The security manager shook his head and then he put his hand to his earpiece.
"Come again." he asked whoever was talking to him. "You sure about this. He's just another wierdo..."
After he said weirdo the detention centre doors opened up and in walked a very officious looking woman who was obviously in charge.
"Mr. Lawson you can go, NOW!" she ordered the security manager. She then turned to me. "Dr. Peter's, I'm Leona. Its a pleasure to finally meet you. We had no knoweledge that you were a part of this Mutant Race. Walt is embarresed that this happened. Your free to go."
I thanked Leona and we walked out of the detention centre and back into the park.
"So Walt's alive?" aksed Caliban tentatively not really wanting to believe it.
"Yep." I replied. "But I think we'd better finsh this leg first, don't you want to win?" I asked Cal.
He looked at me and smiled. "Where to Koma?"
"The top of Space Mountian." I answered. "Race ya there." And we broke into a sprint.

At the top of Space mountian we find the Detour.
"Thats just stupid." protestes Caliban.
"I agree Cal but we gotta do one of them." I answer.
I think to myself 'there might be a way to get something out of this.'
"I got an idea Cal but you've got to trust me." I offer.
"This better be good Koma. I've just got my brain back I'm not loosing it over nothing." warned Caliban.
I turned to Goldy, she was still in camera-woman mode.
"Your choice Goldy, Goofy or Silly." I offer. She stops filming and puts the camera down.
"Ok." she replies smiling a wicked grin.
"Koma this is not fun." grumped Caliban in his Sully the monster costume.
"Hey do you think its fun for me." I snapped back from inside Buzz Lightyear.
"You both look so cute." teased Goldy.
"I'd prefer the singing dolls." complained Caliban.
"No you don't." replied Goldy. "I've been keeping in touch with the producers. Those dolls regressed Vegeta, Jon had to knock out Nightcrawler and they still haven't found AOC, Angel and their cameraman Ralph."

So out into Maine street we go.
The kids are ok and we play around with them. Then Cal sees something and points it out to me.
Bea Arthur.
"You thinking what I'm thinking Buzz?" asked Caliban.
"I'm thinking Bea doesn't know who we are Sully." I reply.
"Yeah lets pay the old lady a visit." suggests Caliban.

So we continue to play the crowd and work our way up to Bea. I do a quick scan, she has a gun on her and then something blocks my scan. Bea looks around for us. Ha! she doesn't know its us in these costumes. Cal creeps behind her. He goes to grab her when a kid shouts out
"Lady look out behind you!"
Damn! Bea elbows Cal in the guts, and surprisingly Cal crumbles to the ground.
"Koma she ain't the real Bea Arthur." growled Caliban.
Bea legs it out of the crowd and runs into fantasy land.
"To infinity and beyond." I shout as I run after her. These costumes have a mind of their own. I stop and remember I still have the jetpack from the umbrella corporation. The kids are gonna love this.
I activate the real jet pack and off I fly. The kids all cheer.
"Go get her Buzz." one shouts.
"Yeah this so Airwolf." cries another.

In the air I spot Bea running into... Tarzan's treehouse. It used to be the Swiss Family Robinson Treehouse but kids don't know that story anymore. I land beside the treehouse.
"Bea I know your not the real Bea Arthur so I don't have to go easy on you." I call out.
"Hah! As if a weakling like you could beat me." taunts Bea.
I enter the tree house and there she is pointing a gun at me.
"Bye bye Koma." she says and fires the gun. I teleport out of the way of the shot and behind her. I draw a blaster and fire.
"Zzzzt ha Koma zzzzt you think I'd risk my life. Detonation Zzzt sequence initiated." said the robot Bea.
I teleport out of the tree house and it explodes.
"Wow!" said one kid
"What a show." said his Dad.
"We're comming back next year aren't we Daddy?" asked another kid.

Needless to say we aced the performance reviews. In fact one asked for Calibans phone number. Cal and I rushed off to the Disneyland hotel lobby.

But the Bea Arthur mystery still remains.


Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

You don't think robot Bea Arthur is a Scientologist do you?

And what's this with you and the camerawoman? Aren't you madly in love with your Lindsay robot?

10:06 AM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Let me get this right in my mind. You’re a super evil genius. You have worked with the best villains in the world. You have helped with brilliant and subtle plan for world domination. You have commanded legions of evil troops.

And the best you can come up with to hit on a woman is the “fake yawn”? I think Screech from “Saved by the Bell” got more game then you.

This race is getting dangerous. Noel’s parachute accident, Jon’s rocket bike getting sabotaged, You being attacked by a BeaBot, and my Cameraman Ralph eating 12 chili and sauerkraut hotdogs. Something is afoot.

1:58 PM  
Blogger captain koma said...

Hey don't knock Screach his Dad was Dr. Mindbender. They had a falling out when he decided to do acting as a child. When Dr. Mindbender finally saw Saved by the Bell he realised that Screach was just folowing in his father footsteeps, albeit in a more subtle way.

Oh and what kind of moves do you expect from a guy who's last girlfriend only required ctl+alt+del to get her started.


5:04 PM  
Blogger Simon said...

Yeah this so Airwolf." cries another.
I'm willing to bet that 'kid' isn't really a kid. In fact, I would be willing to bet he is the third option for who you thought would enjoy Disneyland.

And Dr. Peter's what? His minion? His driver? His physical manifestation? Certainly not his punctuation teacher.

6:55 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Captain Comma saves the day. I'm glad you were able to get Caliban out of his sticky situation. You wouldn't believe how much trouble he gets himself into.

7:30 PM  
Blogger captain koma said...

Excuse me Stupid Simon but thats my name dude. What you think I'd change my name to Captain Koma. Gee that'd be like going on televison and acting like an ass all the time.

Oh dear you already do.

And I already have a someone who corrects myspelling unfortunately she lives i n Canada. You know you two should hook up you have a lot in common.


8:25 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Psst, Koma. I think Simon was correcting your punctuation, not your spelling. The lack of Lin-Bot in your life may be causing you to fly off the handle to quickly.


9:12 PM  
Blogger captain koma said...

Yeah Lin's influence did calm me down but it a little hard introducing a synthetic being to your parents. C'mon think about it.
Mum Dad this is Lin an enemy made her for me so I'd be too busy spending time with her.
Yeah she's not a real person but she's sentient.
Yeah why are you all laughing. Hey I'm serious.

See, thats why I dumped her.

But Goldy might come around.


I hope

10:34 PM  
Blogger Simon said...

Yes, I was correcting his incessant use of Peter's instead of Peters. Peter's in a possessive of Peter, as in Peter's ball. You know you have problems when AOC notices your punctuation error.

12:40 AM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Awww Snap! I got clowned by Simon again. :)

1:31 AM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

So Koma, you're saying that your parents have no problem with you being an evil scientist bent on world domination but they would draw the line with you having an artificial girlfriend?

3:50 AM  
Blogger captain koma said...

Ok did I say I World Domination was my bent. Let me tell you world domination is for losers like Dr Doom, Hydra, Bill Gates and the Bush family. It just gets you killed or imprisoned. Or worse dealing with lawyers and amnesty international.
I'm not a good genius looking to cure the ills of the world either. So instead of calling myself something stupid like not-exactly good selfish genius. I went for Evil Genius.

Then again why the hell do I bother explaining myself to you fools.


4:39 AM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Well I think the "evil" part is undisputed at this point. I'll reserve my judgment on "genius". But anyone who takes the time and effort to wear a costume, particular one with a mask, clearly has some large goals. ie - conquering the world, stopping evil, stealing fortunes, etc. So then since you wear a mask, what is your goal?

Mind you I wouldn't expect to announce your desire to take over the world, that would just create opposition you don't want yet.

7:51 AM  
Blogger Randy said...

A robot Bea Arthur! Now I've seen everything!

And makin' her blow up was tha bomb!

12:57 PM  
Blogger Paula Abdrool said...

Oh, Randy! You are sooo funny! "Blow up" - "the bomb" - I actually get that one! Hilarious!

2:06 PM  
Blogger Vince Briefs said...

Whatever this paula's on avoid it. Unless you went through the small world ride then I'm very very sorry. for your loss.

7:29 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo said...

I think so many people focus on Caliban's sporadic rage, and completely ignore his frosted side.

12:23 PM  

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