Tuesday, January 30, 2007

AOC: Disneyland Now!

Angel is looking sullen. Ralph the Cameraman is trying not to make eye contact. I am still ranting, 5 minutes before the start of the race.

No money! No Money! How the heck are we going to get to this Land of Dizz-knee in Kalee-forna. What are we going to do?” I grumble out loud.

Well, don’t look at me.” Angel says. “I am still worn out from hauling tubby here away from the zombie hordes.” Ralph looks at his feet.

Hey, hey, hey. Don't be mean. We don't have to be mean because, remember, no matter where you go, there you are.” I tell Angel. Before he can say anything else, I over hear some of the tourist at the gift shop yammering.


Come on kids load up, we got 450 miles to travel today. We can be at Disneyland by suppertime.” a man bellowed

That’s super, Dad! You’re the bestest dad in the whole world.” The kids cry out in unison.

Before I go into sugar shock from listening to this family, I bound over the Dad.

Good day, Sir. We are contestants on the Amazing Mutant Race 3.” I point to Angel “And we too are heading to Dizz-Knee land. If you let us ride with you, your wonderful family can be on T.V” I point to Ralph.

The man look a little wary, “I am not sure about taking a strange mutant, a cameraman and a freaky fan-boy into my RV.”


Awwww, Dad, Pleeeeease.” The children plead “We like the bird man and Stormtrooper wanna-be. Pleeeeeeeasssse let them come with us.” The wife takes a look at Angel and says huskily “Yes, Honey let’s help these poor lost souls.”

10 minutes later we are on the road. Ralph is in the front of the RV, chatting about cameras with the dad, I am keeping the kids amused and Angel and the mom a have ducked into the back room to talk.

8 hours, 974,598 bottle of beers and 703 games of go fish later, we pull into the parking lot of Disneyland. Angel keeps mumbling about people trying to change him.

We run by the ARM3 booth, grab our Roadblock rules. It looks like we have to go on a Star Tour. I tell Angel that I’ll take this one, being that space travel is not a problem for me. He and Ralph bust out laughing. I leave them and get in the transport line.

Several of the other passengers point and smile at me. Several children keep saying “neato” or “What a geek”. The announcement says something about tours of the Endor moon. Great! Trees and little fuzzy beings, this is going to be a fun trip.

The pilot is a droid type I have note seen before, an RX-24. Its voice sounds like someone I would not want to
shake hands with on a Saturday night. The flight start out ok, but the Astro-droid take a wrong turn and almost kill us in a maintenance bay. What kind of moron designed this shuttle? Why is the pilot window open to viewing to the passengers? Must be one of the new Corellian designs.


I see an R2 unit flash on the screen and beeps something about a Space Mountain. I have the next clue. As we come out of the jump to light speed, something has gone wrong. RX-24 has overshot the jump and we are sucked into a comet’s tail. We weave in and out of the comet, all the passenger screaming. I decide to take control of the situation. I jump up and give an override code to RX-24, who ignores me. It is obvious that this droid is broken somehow. I pull it up out of the driver’s seat and throw it to the side with a shower of sparks. I grab the controls and aim for an opening.


As we pull into open space, I see a Star Destroyer. Thank the Force. I hail the ship. “This is Star Tour 3, to Star Destroyer. We have had a pilot malfunction and need assistance” The passenger yells seem to be getting angrier. I can’t blame them, I’d be mad at this tour company also. “Star Destroyer, this is TK-266, repeat TK-266. I will transmit security codes confirming …”

I feel the tractor beam lock on. Good, we are safe.


Out of no where an X-Wing fighter disrupts the tractor beam and tells us to escape. What is he talking about? The X-Wing turns to leave, I decide to follow it to blow it out of space, but only manage to rip the controls out of the dash. This causes a further shower of sparks and the window goes blank. Now that is strange.

The shuttle doors open up and some non-republic guard come rushing at me.

disney secutiry

I take them out in quick hand to hand combat and make a run for the exit as the passengers behind me scream in panic about a fire of something. I ask Angel to fly up to the top of Space Mountain and get out next clue.


Angel, Ralph and I are strapped into the boat for “It’s a Small World.” After reviewing the Detours we decided against another performance and for the relaxing boat trip. I am not sure why we are buckled in so tight. 10 easy trips and we are done.

Two and a Half hours later, Ralph, Angel and I a huddled in the Small World Topiary, while the ARM3 crew tries to coax us out.


Come on you guys, we need to measure your IQ” one crew member calls

I've seen horrors... horrors that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that... but you have no right to judge me. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror.
Horror has a face... and you must make a friend of horror” Angel moans out.

What?” another crew member ask

Ralph starts talking quickly, “There's mines over there, there's mines over there, and watch out those monkeys bite, I'll tell ya.”

ralph bad day

Someone want to tell me what is going on?” a producer ask

I speak slowly and quietly “
They are close, real close. I can’t see them yet, but I can feel them, as if the boat was being sucked upriver and the water was flowing back into the Small World. Whatever was going to happen, it wasn't gonna be the way they call it back in Tomorrow land”.

The producer stared as us, then at Angel. “Does he have dolls heads tied to his waist?”

ange w heads

Ralph jumps up and shakily says “The heads. You're looking at the heads. Sometimes he goes too far. He's the first one to admit it.”

The producer gets on his walkie talkie, “Someone get Professor X over here now, something is really weird.”

Charlie’s in the brush, run for it” I yelled. The three of us jumped up and ran through the park land, across the parking lot and towards the hotel lobby, as we approach the last 100 yards I think to my self, “
The Horror …. The Horror


Blogger Vegeta said...

Yay! Meveggie wanna go again!

2:29 AM  
Blogger Wolverine said...

Shaddup An' sitdown Ya idiot!

2:30 AM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Oh man, that's totally awesome man!

Hey, man, you don't talk to the Lucas. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet-warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll... uh... well, you'll say "hello" to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you. He won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say, "do you know that 'Ed' is the middle word in Jedi? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you"... I mean I'm no, I can't... I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's... he's a great man. I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas...

3:48 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Hey, that is what Ralph was saying as we ran across the parking lot.

Thought you would like that one.

4:08 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

You've got me thinking that the way to resolve the Middle East situation is build It's A Small World rides in every country over there. If we can get all the would-be trouble makers to go on it a few times, they'll stay huddled in the bushes having flash-backs.

9:31 PM  
Blogger captain koma said...

The heart of darkness is in Disneyland. I told them Walt was an evil genius.

No one believes me.

He's a great man Walt. Pity about the whole frozen head thing. Dr. Sivana was always into disembodied heads. Walt is always dissapointed he never got a second opinion.


10:17 PM  
Blogger Local Henchmen 432 said...

I don't think I will do a small world.It scares me.

12:24 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo said...

Doll head belts are coming back in style, man.

8:26 PM  
Blogger Paula Abdrool said...

Your post was a little pitchy. I'm sorry.

7:06 AM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Oh My Goodness!!!! Paula almost said something mean! It my post was bad enough to get that kind of reaction, It must be really, really, really, really(you get the idea) bad.

*runs off stage crying and mumbling about these people not knowing what talent is, and that I'll be back and when I get a big recording contract, I'll buy American Idol and fire them all*

Did Paula say pitchy or bitchy?

2:04 PM  
Blogger Simon said...

or she said kitchy, it's been terrible difficult to understand Paula these days.

I've seen better head hacking skills from Julia Childs when she was in her 80's.

You go on a Small World ride and your camera man turns into a hippy?

And AOC, you moron, you have a self contained helmet, you could have shut out the sights and sounds of the ride. Actually, you could have been watching a movie in there and nobody would have ever know. Get a brain, man!

6:40 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

But we were supposed to lose our brain, not use or brain. :)

7:30 PM  
Blogger Randy said...

Lookin' at those babydoll heads on his belt gives me tha chills! That is out of sight!

12:54 PM  
Blogger Warbird said...

so YOU are the one that broke the ride!!!!

4:27 PM  

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