Sunday, January 28, 2007

Interlude I

Revenge of the Yield

“Okay, let’s see the complement rotation again.”

Gambit adjusted the viewscreen, bringing up the contestants’ personal history and resumés. So this is what being a God feels like.

“So,” I swirled a paper cup of Dr. Pepper as Gambit brought up Vegeta’s credit record. “Anything in there worth a yield?”

“Not unless you count buying ten jars o’ pickled eggs every other Tuesday.”

“Let’s see... who hasn’t gotten a yield yet?”

“Erm,” he held out his fingers to tick off the names, “Tak, Henchman, and Koma already got yields. De only ones dat haven’t been yielded yet are Jon, Vegeta, Warbird, Noel, and us.”

“And we certainly won’t use our one precious yield on ourselves,” I added hastily. “We already lost time because of that idiot AMOK. Why did he have to try and stop us from saving all those people?”

“It’s a mystery.”

“Yeah. So, how about those other four? What’ve we got on them?”

An image of Jon zoomed across the screen. “He’s clean as a whistle. Never been arrested by any reputable government, an’ a fairly rich science fiction mental library to boot.” Gambit clicked a red dial. “And dis is Noel of Neptonian. She’s-”

“She’s part feline! I thought Neptunians were canine.”

“You’re confusing Neptune with Neptonian. Again.”

“What’s the difference?!”

“Neptonian doesn’t exist anymore.”

“That’s so extremely sad!” I brushed a tear away. Somewhere, a tiny violin was playing. But not here- this was place for bold decisiveness. “Should we yield her?”

“No... dere’s somethin’ much worse in here...”

I couldn’t possibly be more interested!

“Do go on.”


“Her! We must yield Warbird!”

Gambit balked, scratching his chin. “Why her? You didn’t even let me fill you in on her offshore-”

“When all the contestants are put in alphabetical order, she’s dead last. We can’t compromise our principles- our rigid, alphanumeric principles have seen us through two world wars and three other world wars that never happened.

The screen went blank. Gambit scrawled Warbird’s name on our official yield card, and shot it through the virtual power tube (invented by Senator Ted Stevens in 2005) directly to the professor. When I looked down at her name, I knew we’d made the right choice. Still, I thought to myself as I gazed out over the veranda at the beautiful skyline, using alphanumeric logic, Benedict Arnold was better than George Washington... but that would mean the Americans were supposed to lose the Revolutionary War...


“Once we compromise the superiority of our alphanumerics, we risk reverting to sequential searches. And that’s not something I care to see.”

— Provost Kostoy Narvin
“Alternatives to Binary, Volume 2”


Blogger Gyrobo said...

Let's see if I can add comments to a post I haven't posted yet.

6:43 PM  
Blogger Vegeta said...

Pickled Eggs?

4:47 AM  
Blogger Bra Briefs said...

Sorry dad I've been buying them.

4:48 AM  
Blogger captain koma said...

Yes it wasn't me.


Koma - self-centered and proud of it

6:22 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo said...

Let this be a lesson to those who doubt the alphabetic way.

9:09 AM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Hey, 1 am totally into that alphanumeric thing.

With0ut alphanumer1cs, 1 w0uldn'4 b3 abl3 t0 type th1s.

11:17 AM  
Blogger Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Yeah, 1'm 2 l33t 4 u!

11:18 AM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

Jon's never been arrested? I find that hard to believe. What about all those upaid parking tickets? You think the authorities are just going to look the other way?

3:37 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

And I bet the real reason you yielded Warbird was so that you would have some alone time with her while you did your penalty time. Practicing your pick-up lines?

3:38 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Thank goodness for being AOC! ducked another one.

4:04 PM  
Blogger Kid Flash said...

Just thought you'd wanna know that your lego Batman is attacking San Francisco.

4:28 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo said...

@Jon: You sound just like granddad.

@Professor Xavier: My database access grid only contains relevant national inquiries and a virtual copy of Wikipedia's Greatest Pick Up Lines, including "Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?" and "Hi."

@A Army of (Cl)one: I could never yield someone so close to absolute zero.

@Kid Flash: I won't call him off 'til Pelosi agrees to my demands.

7:36 PM  
Blogger Professor Xavier said...

That has to be the greatest pick up line of all time. I'm going to have try that sometime. You know, when my wife is out of town.

7:46 PM  
Blogger Professor Huxley said...

Someone has been playing too much Alpha Centari. Don't you have a race to win?

5:48 PM  

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