Sunday, January 21, 2007

Pit Stop, Vegas Style

Las Vegas. Perhaps the most horrifying place on this planet. It is a chaotic mishmash of fat tourists, drag queens, people desperate to showcase their ‘talent’ and bright lights, which sadly illuminate all of the aforementioned things. It all makes for horrible sights and experiences. So much so that a bunch of fat white men in bad polyester leisure suits jumping out of planes attracts little notice.

And then there is Celine Dion. While her singing is, technically, quite good, she always looks like one of those easy startle creatures that live in the rainforest. You know what I’m talking about, right? Give me a moment, the name will come to me. Oh, I remember now and I suppose it's not an animal, but it does come from a dark creepy forest.

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But Celine Dion, the woman's voice could qualify as an alternate form of warfare. I'm hard pressed to think of anyone who even comes close* to creepy factor of Celine.

Being wise yet frugal, the show creator decided to bring a Las Vegas regular to help welcome the contestants. No, it wasn’t Celine. I almost wish it were.

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Warbird & Scott: Well, for once I have nothing unkind to say about Warbird simply because Cyclops was so positively horrifying I think I need some mental bleach.

Vegeta & Logan: I’ve seen infomercials that were more interesting and lively.

Koma & Caliban: I’m glad to know you appeal to 90 year old women, that should help the ratings some.

Jon & Nightcrawler: You need to be careful with that touch there, mister, it could get you into trouble depending on where you apply it.

AOC & Angel: You’ll never make it in this town if you don’t figure out which bums are worth applying chap stick for.

Noel & Beast: I’m trying very hard not to let my overwhelming hate of the musical Cats cloud my opinion. While your performances were good, a bunch of crappy poems about felines written by an overrated poet hopped up on drugs will never make good theatre.

Gyrobo & Gambit: You confuse me so much

Henchman & Elixir: That was… enlightening.

Gaia & Havoc: Despite the aforementioned ‘Lemonade Incident’ your discovery that Celine can not speak any language properly was interesting, though I think we suspected it all along.

There is a team nearing the end. One teammate keeps trying to grab the other’s posterior, resulting in a somewhat slower than expected progression. They trot up, looking expectant. “Welcome to Las Vegas, dogs. The gimpy bald man and I are mad excited to tell you that you are first. Look at my tattoo, it means I gots street cred, yo!” I resist every fiber in my being not to reach out and strangle the man. Xavier nods at Tak & Angel. “You are the first contestants to cross the line, congratulations.”

Only a few minutes later, Koma & Caliban cross that line. The other teams all cross the line and we wait only for the last team who we will have to send home. In the distance we see them approach. Despite an excellent effort, the time delay due to the ‘Lemonade Incident’ was too much to overcome.

Gaia, Havoc, I’m sorry to say that you were the last team to cross the line. Your effort was excellent but this was your last leg of the race.


*perhaps not a good link to click on in front of your kids but should be library kosher*


Blogger Local Henchmen 432 said...

Wa-Hoo. Great Job Tak.

5:47 PM  
Blogger A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Wow. Really. All I can say is *drops into deep low voice* "Thank you, thank you very much"

Now who do I make Yield? Hmmmmm back in a bit with that answer.

8:48 PM  
Blogger Paula Abdrool said...

Gaia, you are an awesome beautiful person! I'm just going to pretend you're still in the race and read your posts every week!

9:54 PM  
Blogger Paula Abdrool said...

And Simon - you are such a meanie!

9:54 PM  
Blogger Simon said...

Entirely not my fault that you'll fit in with the crowd mentioned by that link. You're just fussy that someone has figured you out.

10:37 PM  
Blogger Gyrobo said...

I don't see a link.

9:37 AM  
Blogger Gyrobo said...

Oh, now I see it. Try to hide from me, will ya? No link escapes my clicking!

11:29 PM  

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