AOC: Rockets & Raccoons
‘No, No, No, No, Angel. When I said that I was annoyed by that bald headed self-center premadonna, I was talking about Mace Windu. Not Professor X!”
We are driving across the cold, windy dessert, heading east.
Ralph nods and says “He is right, Angel. He did say all that about Mace Windu, but you were in a funk after calling your dad to let him know you won the last leg of the race.”
“Oh,” Angel intones, “I guess I should not have said all those things to the Professor when I was cr…., Uhh upset, not crying at all.” He looks pensive for a moment, then speaks up again, “I don’t think Professor X will be upset, He is a great man, a great teacher and a greater mentor. I am sure he won’t be petty”
*******************
We arrive at The Grand Canyon for our next Roadblock. Professor X is explaining how we are to jump the Canyon using a Rocket Cycle.
ROCKET CYCLE
As I head over to choose one, I am stopped by one of the shows producers. “Mr. TK- 266, your Rocket Cycle is over here. Do enjoy the rest of the race.”
TAK'S ROCKET CYCLE
I look over at Professor X. He raises one eyebrow and then resumes talking to Warbird.
“Now what?” Angel asks
“You could use the rocket skate we got off that coyote you ran over, Mr. TK-266” Ralph adds helpfully
DEAD COYOTE’S SKATES (meep meep)
I look at Ralph, “Not a bad idea, but are you supposed to be helping?”
Ralph looks hurt, “I just thought after the Elvi jump I was part of the team.”
I pat Ralph on the shoulder, give him a winning smile and head over to the SUV.
Half an hour later, the SUV’s fender & hood, the “rocket cycle” and rocket skates have been transformed into a modified B.A.R.C Speeder.
TAK KNIEVEL: READY TO RIDE
I see some of the others have made the jump and Captain Koma is just arriving. I mount up, race towards the edge of the Grand Canyon, hit the jets and take off.
The flight over the canyon is great
SKYROCKTS IN FLIGHT
The landing … not so good.
A HARD LANDING
After Angel and Ralph dig me out of the crater, we get the clue, and are off to Raccoon City.
**************
Raccoon City looks like a war zone. Angel and Ralph have filled me in on the disaster that befell this idyllic corporate city. As we get close to the Umbrella Corporation’s building complex, I see a large banner sign on building number 7:
UMBRELLA CORPORATION WELCOMES
THE AMAZING MUTANT RACE 3:
RACERS TK- 266 & ANGEL
Once inside the building, we are greeted by a member of the Umbrella Corporation’s scientific team.
THE CUTE DOCTOR
“So glad you could make it.” She smiles. “As you may have heard we have had a little mishap here and are hoping you can help us out. You can fight hordes of undead and blow up our lab, a great economic loss to the Umbrella Corporation. Or you can try to make it to the Lab and cure all these great people who work here at Umbrella Corporation.” She eyes Angel and me seductively.
“Save the smooth talk lady. We’ll find the cure.” I sneer. What is it with these sexy science types never just asking for help outright?
“Oh, well then you can take any of the weapons from the locker. I have downloaded a map into your Comlink, as well as security passes. Good luck and try not to destroy to much Umbrella Corporation’s property. After you’re done find the police station to complete the mission.” She tosses us a key and runs for the door.
Just after she leaves we hear her high pitched screams. Ralph, Angel and I look at each other, shrug and open the locker to check out the weapons
GUNS & POWERTOOLS
“What is up with the chainsaw and the devise that looks like it shoots saw blades?” I inquired as I load up on weapons and ammo.
Angel shrugs, Ralph tells me it is just standard zombie killing weapons.
We get in the elevator and head for the bio-labs. I notice a poster in the elevator.
CALL 1-800-873-8253
Angel laughs, “Did you see what the number spells out?” Ralph also starts to giggle.
“Oh, grow up you two.” I bark
The elevator doors open and I am hit with a beam of light.
A COP?
“Help us! You must help us get out of Silent Hill!” the cop screams at me.
“Uhhh, Miss, This isn’t Silent Hill, it’s Raccoon City. Boy, are you lost. Here take the elevator to the lobby and make your way to the police station.” I suggest
The cop looks embarrassed, takes her companions and leaves by the elevator.
Angel shushes us. “ I think I hear something.”
“ARGGGGGHHHHHH!!!” The Zombies come screaming down the hall
ZOMBIES HORDES
I begin to blast away at them with the shotgun. When it runs out of ammo, I toss it to Angel and pull out the 9mm and the .357. Zombies fall by the dozen. For the next 5 minutes it is shoot, reload, shoot, reload, punch a zombie in the head, shoot, reload.
Finally all the zombies are dead. I am out of breath, Angle’s wings are covered with zombie blood.
“Next time can you move a little to the left?” Ralph asks me “I couldn’t get a good camera shot. I was about to ask if you could start from the top. Better rating you know.”
I glare at him as he says, “OK, OK, sorry I asked , Mr. Grumpy Gus”
We make it to the lab, blasting zombiefied Umbrella employees along the way. At this rate there won’t be many left to cure. I slice the lock on the door, which then jams open. Isn’t that just great.
“Angel, get in the lab and find the cure. Ralph, get on the other side of that bench and keep out of the way.” I order
“How am I supposed to find the cure? Angle asks
“Aren’t you afraid of being bitten?’ Ralph pipes up.
“Angel, Look for vile of blue or green liquids. They should be right next to each other, then get the blue one, it is the cure. Ralph, this armor stopped a Wookie bite, these corporate zombies don’t even scratch it”
Angel looks puzzled “But how do you know which one is the cur….”
“Because,’ I yell at him, “That is they way it always is! Blue is the good stuff and Green is the bad stuff!” Frustrated, I look into the camera, roll my eyes at Angel and give a WTF shrug.
Once Angel has the Blue Goo, we are off to central AC unit. Other than running into some fracked up beast, we have no problem putting the Cure into the AC system and head back to the surface.
DOGS GONE BAD, REALLY BAD
We hit the lobby and head for the door. Good thing as we are out of ammo. Ralph asks a question, “What about any zombies that might be outside of the building and aren’t cured? What do you think…”
“Ralph, calm down’ I tell him as we step outside, “There is no way any of those things escaped ….”
“ARUGGGGGG”
WHERE DID THEY GET FARM TOOLS
Angel grabs Ralph and with a Herculean effort flies him out of reach of the Zombies. I whip out the Saw blade gun and decapitate six zombies, before I start up the chainsaw.
“Ralph" I scream “ I can see why that is a zombie killing weapon. It is so much fun!!!”
Angle and Ralph slowly fly toward the police station as I hack my way though zombies.
ZOMBIE SMACK DOWN
As I look up, I can see the police station is about 100 yards away, with only 20 or 30 zombies coming at me. I push on ….
Special thanks to Jon IG for finding the Trooper Knievel picture
We are driving across the cold, windy dessert, heading east.
Ralph nods and says “He is right, Angel. He did say all that about Mace Windu, but you were in a funk after calling your dad to let him know you won the last leg of the race.”
“Oh,” Angel intones, “I guess I should not have said all those things to the Professor when I was cr…., Uhh upset, not crying at all.” He looks pensive for a moment, then speaks up again, “I don’t think Professor X will be upset, He is a great man, a great teacher and a greater mentor. I am sure he won’t be petty”
*******************
We arrive at The Grand Canyon for our next Roadblock. Professor X is explaining how we are to jump the Canyon using a Rocket Cycle.
ROCKET CYCLE
As I head over to choose one, I am stopped by one of the shows producers. “Mr. TK- 266, your Rocket Cycle is over here. Do enjoy the rest of the race.”
TAK'S ROCKET CYCLE
I look over at Professor X. He raises one eyebrow and then resumes talking to Warbird.
“Now what?” Angel asks
“You could use the rocket skate we got off that coyote you ran over, Mr. TK-266” Ralph adds helpfully
DEAD COYOTE’S SKATES (meep meep)
I look at Ralph, “Not a bad idea, but are you supposed to be helping?”
Ralph looks hurt, “I just thought after the Elvi jump I was part of the team.”
I pat Ralph on the shoulder, give him a winning smile and head over to the SUV.
Half an hour later, the SUV’s fender & hood, the “rocket cycle” and rocket skates have been transformed into a modified B.A.R.C Speeder.
TAK KNIEVEL: READY TO RIDE
I see some of the others have made the jump and Captain Koma is just arriving. I mount up, race towards the edge of the Grand Canyon, hit the jets and take off.
The flight over the canyon is great
SKYROCKTS IN FLIGHT
The landing … not so good.
A HARD LANDING
After Angel and Ralph dig me out of the crater, we get the clue, and are off to Raccoon City.
**************
Raccoon City looks like a war zone. Angel and Ralph have filled me in on the disaster that befell this idyllic corporate city. As we get close to the Umbrella Corporation’s building complex, I see a large banner sign on building number 7:
UMBRELLA CORPORATION WELCOMES
THE AMAZING MUTANT RACE 3:
RACERS TK- 266 & ANGEL
Once inside the building, we are greeted by a member of the Umbrella Corporation’s scientific team.
THE CUTE DOCTOR
“So glad you could make it.” She smiles. “As you may have heard we have had a little mishap here and are hoping you can help us out. You can fight hordes of undead and blow up our lab, a great economic loss to the Umbrella Corporation. Or you can try to make it to the Lab and cure all these great people who work here at Umbrella Corporation.” She eyes Angel and me seductively.
“Save the smooth talk lady. We’ll find the cure.” I sneer. What is it with these sexy science types never just asking for help outright?
“Oh, well then you can take any of the weapons from the locker. I have downloaded a map into your Comlink, as well as security passes. Good luck and try not to destroy to much Umbrella Corporation’s property. After you’re done find the police station to complete the mission.” She tosses us a key and runs for the door.
Just after she leaves we hear her high pitched screams. Ralph, Angel and I look at each other, shrug and open the locker to check out the weapons
GUNS & POWERTOOLS
“What is up with the chainsaw and the devise that looks like it shoots saw blades?” I inquired as I load up on weapons and ammo.
Angel shrugs, Ralph tells me it is just standard zombie killing weapons.
We get in the elevator and head for the bio-labs. I notice a poster in the elevator.
CALL 1-800-873-8253
Angel laughs, “Did you see what the number spells out?” Ralph also starts to giggle.
“Oh, grow up you two.” I bark
The elevator doors open and I am hit with a beam of light.
A COP?
“Help us! You must help us get out of Silent Hill!” the cop screams at me.
“Uhhh, Miss, This isn’t Silent Hill, it’s Raccoon City. Boy, are you lost. Here take the elevator to the lobby and make your way to the police station.” I suggest
The cop looks embarrassed, takes her companions and leaves by the elevator.
Angel shushes us. “ I think I hear something.”
“ARGGGGGHHHHHH!!!” The Zombies come screaming down the hall
ZOMBIES HORDES
I begin to blast away at them with the shotgun. When it runs out of ammo, I toss it to Angel and pull out the 9mm and the .357. Zombies fall by the dozen. For the next 5 minutes it is shoot, reload, shoot, reload, punch a zombie in the head, shoot, reload.
Finally all the zombies are dead. I am out of breath, Angle’s wings are covered with zombie blood.
“Next time can you move a little to the left?” Ralph asks me “I couldn’t get a good camera shot. I was about to ask if you could start from the top. Better rating you know.”
I glare at him as he says, “OK, OK, sorry I asked , Mr. Grumpy Gus”
We make it to the lab, blasting zombiefied Umbrella employees along the way. At this rate there won’t be many left to cure. I slice the lock on the door, which then jams open. Isn’t that just great.
“Angel, get in the lab and find the cure. Ralph, get on the other side of that bench and keep out of the way.” I order
“How am I supposed to find the cure? Angle asks
“Aren’t you afraid of being bitten?’ Ralph pipes up.
“Angel, Look for vile of blue or green liquids. They should be right next to each other, then get the blue one, it is the cure. Ralph, this armor stopped a Wookie bite, these corporate zombies don’t even scratch it”
Angel looks puzzled “But how do you know which one is the cur….”
“Because,’ I yell at him, “That is they way it always is! Blue is the good stuff and Green is the bad stuff!” Frustrated, I look into the camera, roll my eyes at Angel and give a WTF shrug.
Once Angel has the Blue Goo, we are off to central AC unit. Other than running into some fracked up beast, we have no problem putting the Cure into the AC system and head back to the surface.
DOGS GONE BAD, REALLY BAD
We hit the lobby and head for the door. Good thing as we are out of ammo. Ralph asks a question, “What about any zombies that might be outside of the building and aren’t cured? What do you think…”
“Ralph, calm down’ I tell him as we step outside, “There is no way any of those things escaped ….”
“ARUGGGGGG”
WHERE DID THEY GET FARM TOOLS
Angel grabs Ralph and with a Herculean effort flies him out of reach of the Zombies. I whip out the Saw blade gun and decapitate six zombies, before I start up the chainsaw.
“Ralph" I scream “ I can see why that is a zombie killing weapon. It is so much fun!!!”
Angle and Ralph slowly fly toward the police station as I hack my way though zombies.
ZOMBIE SMACK DOWN
As I look up, I can see the police station is about 100 yards away, with only 20 or 30 zombies coming at me. I push on ….
Special thanks to Jon IG for finding the Trooper Knievel picture
posted by A Army Of (Cl)One at 1:33 AM
8 Comments:
That Trooper Knievel picture was rather impressive. And just for the record, your special edition enhanced sky-cycle wasn't my idea. It was the producers of the show. They thought it would spice things up a bit.
Yo dog, when that sky rocket was in flight, it sure was an afternoon delight.
Loved you on the cycle that was cool
but didnt we see you after at BK
That was fantastic! I want to join the Empire and fight crime and stuff!!
Short sweet and it had chainsaws.
This is the choice pick to come second to me. And then I'll give the yield to someone who deserves it.
Gaia.
Oh she's not on any more.
Damn!
*raises eyebrow* are you mocking me?
Well, you'd think that somewhere in that whole city, there'd be a Home Depot they could break into to get farming tools.
But why farming tools? why not sporting supplies? or office supplies. A zombie with a stapler or paper shredder, now that would be orginal.
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