The Amazing Mutant Race 3

Er . . .

2007-03-12T05:52:00.000-04:00

The producers of this show wish to apologize for the typographical error on the awards plaque. That's what you get for going with the lowest bidder on a project. Personally I chose to blame Gambit, just because he makes it so easy.

Anyways, here's the revised plaque, again . .

VICTORY!

2007-03-11T20:42:00.000-04:00

The votes have been tallied and the video tapes reviewed. Before I reveal the winner, let me first just say that all the participants in the race performed like true champions and they should all be very proud. Almost each and every leg of the race proved truly challenging for the judge to determine who won and who had to go home. The amount effort and creativity put into the race was quite impressive.

Eventually the race came down to the final three. Though all three of the finalist teams crossed the finish line at virtually the same time, one did make it first. After careful examination, it is quite clear that the team that managed to squeak out a victory is . .

. .

. .

(this was the network's idea to build some suspense)

. .

. .

Army of One and Angel. Despite regular distractions, these two champions were able to focus on the competition long enough to win . . the Amazing Mutant Race 3.

At the finish line, to commemorate their championship, last years winners Master Yoda and Lieutenant Commander Oneida proudly present the champions with a plaque, handsomely embossed with their names.

Congratulations to Tak and Angel! They shall be the honored guests at a victory celebration tomorrow at the mansion. All the participants in this years race are invited to the festivities.

A Photo Finish!

2007-03-10T08:35:00.000-05:00

Our three teams, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and Nightcrawler, Army of (Cl)One and Angel, and Vegeta and Wolverine completed their tasks at the Willy Wonka chocolate factory and raced like madmen to the finish line at Picadilly Circus in London, England where all the eliminated racers, along with last year's winners, Lieutenant Commander Oneida and Master Yoda, await to award the winner their prize. They ran neck and neck through the busy circle and seemed to cross the line as one.

The judge and the producer of the Race are having a difficult time determining which team actually crossed the line first. In an unusual decision, the network has decided to seek input from you, the audience, to help determine which team crossed the finish line first. A poll has therefore been set up here -http://huf.18.forumer.com/index.php?act=ST&f=3&t=627 - where you can vote for the winner, if you are registered with the Heroes United Forum. The deadline for voting is Sunday, March 11 by 9pm, Eastern Standard Time.

The audience vote, along with the determination of the judge and producer, will decide who won . . the Amazing Mutant Race 3!

Jon and Nightcrawler: I want candy

2007-03-09T12:44:00.000-05:00

The Oompa Loompas stared at Nightcrawler and me.

I looked over at Nightcrawler, Nightcrawler looked over at me.

We looked back at our diminutive audience.

They looked at us.

Nightcrawler and I looked at each other. I gave a slight shrug, then we looked back at the Oompa Loompas.

They looked at us, then slowly, carefully looked at each other. Their gaze slid back to my mutant teammate and I.

“Well?” I asked.

The Oompa Loompas looked at each other again and then all stood up.

Oompa Loompa Doompadee doo
We’ve got a little something for you
Oompa Loompa Doopadee dus
You’re little ditty was entertaining to us

Your’re racing hard and playing to win
The others should be in a looney bin
So we hope that you cross the finish line first
And are crowned the winners by Patty Hearst
(Or insert someone else’s name to make the line funnier)

Oompa Loompa Doompadee doer
Here is the clue to the next Detour
You amuse us and we applaud you
From the Oompa…. Loompa….. Doopadee do!

Doompade do!

They finished their dance and quietly stood there in their positions.

“Ist das es?” Nightcrawler whispered to me. “They liked it?”

“I think so,” I whispered back. “Maybe that’s how Oompa Loompas applaud.”

“Yeah, but what’s with that pose? Is zat some sort of mating ritual?”

“Man, I don’t even want to think about something like that,” I answered. “Let’s just get it and go.”

We quickly made our way into the bowels of the Chocolate Factory and met Willy Wonka himself.

“Welcome… to my chocolate factory!” he threw his arms out and grinned. “This is where the magic happens!”

“Thank you,” Nightcrawler bowed slightly and then turned to me. “Which of the Detours should we do? I have to admit zhat I’m a little concerned about putting my life in danger for candy.”

“I have to agree with you,” I answered. “I may have a cast iron stomach, but I’m no fool. Why don’t we see what we can make.”

“Splendid.” Wonka placed his fingertips together and grinned some more. “Let the magic begin! I have a few ideas for you. Eating candy should make you feel good, right?”

“Sure,” I shrugged.

“Ja,” Nightcrawler agreed.

“What about candy that not only makes you feel good, it makes you look good?”

“OK,” I said.

“Sure,” Nightcrawler agreed.

Quickly we began work on a couple formulas and were ready to try them out on our victims, er, lucky test subjects.

“Try this,” I said to the first.

“Hmm, I kind of like it,” she answered.

“You look really good, too,” Nightcrawler answered. “Hubba hubba!”

“Really?” she smiled. “You’re so kind. I have to say that I didn’t like my old hairdo that much. It looked kind of choppy.”

She grabbed a couple more pieces of candy and bounced out of the room.

“Nice work, gentlemen,” Willy Wonka grinned. “Let’s see if we can push it a little further! Kick it up a notch. Bam!”

We threw some more components together and quickly created another version.

“Hi, my name is Jerri, I’m a boozer, a user, and a two time loser,” the second subject introduced herself. “I ran away from home and became a drug addict and prostitute. Now I’m trying to get my life back together but I suffer low self esteem.”

“Vell try zis, freulein.” Nightcrawler offered her the sweet.

“Mmm, it’s like a party in my mouth and everyone is welcome to attend!” she said happily.

“Splendid,” Wonka said as she left. “Still, I think we can do better.”

Furiously we worked on the formula, then quickly brought in the next taste testee.

“Hey this is delicious!” the subject said gleefully. “This is awesome too because I carry a lot of trunks and boxes full of stuff and boy are they heavy. Now I won’t get so tired hauling them around!”

“Once again! This is delightful, delicious and delovely!” With each experiment, Willy Wonka grew more and more excited at the prospect of his new candy.

“Hi, I’m Ashley and some people say that I have an eating problem,” the next tester introduced herself. “I don’t see why, I had a perfectly fine lunch: celery with just a little salt sprayed on and a parsley garnish. Boy am I stuffed!”

We gave her the candy and she went through the most amazing transformation yet. She grew several feet and muscles bulged from all over her body.

“Wow!” she squealed. “I love this! I’m going to go open that jar of nuts that I’ve always wanted!”

“Holy cow!” I exclaimed.

“I think we invented Space Steroids,” Nighcrawler added in awe.

“Ah but steroids are not good,” I stated. “As an Intergalactic Gladiator, I recommend that everyone engages in a fit, active lifestyle, but not one reached through artificial means.

“What artificial means?” the Candyman whooped. “This is made only with all natural, 100% pure chemicals found in this lab. It’s super! Superb! Supercalifragilisticexpiali-delicious! Let’s make more!”

Beakers bubbled and tubes dripped colorful liquids. Behind us a jolt of electricity jumped between two antennas. Willy Wonka laughed as another candy was created.

“Just give me the candy, dumb dumbs,” the next test subject said dryly. “How you people haven’t blown up your planet yet is beyond me.”

We gave him the candy and a similar transformation took place.

“I can’t believe this!” he exclaimed. “What have you done to me?”

“What have we done?” Wonka looked baffled. “We made you beautiful. You look fabulous!”

“But I’m a man! You dumb dumbs are dumber than I thought.”

“I think you look good,” I said.

“I’d date you,” Nightcrawler added. “Ah, but I’m already taken. Ja.”

“Oh this is horrible!” the transformed alien moaned. “First I’m going to turn back into my original form, then I’m going to blow up your planet with my space modulator. The galaxy will be better without you!”

He (or she) grabbed chemicals from the table and hoisted them to his (or her) mouth.

“Wait, stop, don’t,” Willy Wonka shrugged passionlessly.

“Ha ha! I feel it now! You dumb dumbs better kiss your un-evolved monkey asses goodbye because I’m going to – Whulp! Ahhhhhh!”

“He transformed into a puddle of ooze!” Nighcrawler exclaimed.

Oompa Loompas came and sucked up the ooze with a wet dry vacuum.

Oompa Loompa Doopadee do
We’ve got a little story for you
Ommpa Loompa Doopadee duel
Blowing up the Earth is totally not cool

We would have helped getting you back
Even though we thought you had a nice rack
Now you’re a puddle of green, gooey goo
What an unfortunate ending for you
Who’s the dumb dumb now?

Oompa Loompa Doompadee ay
This has been an eventful day
An entire planet he was willing to screw
Unlike the Oompa Loompa Doopadee do

“Well, I guess we were mostly a success,” I concluded. “Except for that last formula, I think everyone would want this new candy.”

“Ja,” Nighcrawler nodded. “How long will it take to get into stores?”

“Oh, I could never sell this stuff,” Willy Wonka shook his head.

“What?” Nightcrawler and I said in unison.

“Unfortunately, ever since that one time a girl turned into a giant blueberry, the FDA has been all over me,” he confessed. “It’s not like I’m trying to poison the Earth’s water with Crystal Pepsi or something.”

“Oh well,” I said. “Maybe we can still sell it in Europe.”

AOC: Oompa Bands and Candy for Kids

2007-03-08T16:16:00.000-05:00

KING OOMPA IN THE BALL CHAIR

Angel, Ralph the Cameraman and I are standing before an interesting little man. He informed us that we must perform a song about an AMR3 racer using his cultural style. Angel and I confer for a bit then jump into a song.

“Here is a song based on your early literary works.” I inform the Oompa Loompas gathered around.

But now, my dears, we think you might
Be thinking of Scott – is his brain all right?
That every single bit of blame
Due to his scorching eyes of flame
Should fall upon Scott?
Is he the only one at fault?
For though at Disneyland his team was last
Well don’t blame Warbird, cuz she had a great ass *

“Their toes were tapping, but I didn’t hear no clapping.” I whisper to Angel. Angel just rolls his eyes at my subtle word play.

I call out to the Oopmas “How about something a little more recent, maybe from 2005” I give them a rockers two finger wave and head nod and we start singing

Spiderman, here’s the scoop
You’re a great big nincompoop
Spiderman, so horney and vile
Left the show for reasons infantile
“Come on” he said “the time is ripe”
“For MJ and Emma to clean my pipes”
I know dear contestant it was a shame
But Spidy is just so lame
That Spiderman up and quit the game. *

STILL NOT FEELING THE LOVE

The crowd gives a golf clap. We could take it as a pass and move on, but I want these little guys to rock. “Ok, I see you are all coinsurer of great music, so lets go back in time a pull out a oldie but goodie.” I scream in to the mike. Angel start a drum beat and I break into our last song.

Oompa Loompa doompadee doo
Koma’s got a back-story for you
Oompa Loompa doompadah dee
It included a robotic Bea

What do you get from an Evil villain?
Whose partner was as dumb as Gillian.
Lots of trash talk and boastful shouts
Just before the final round, when they got kicked out.

Oompa Loompa doompadee dah
If you're not boastful then you will go far
Koma isn’t happy, cuz he talked a lot of smack
then he got beat by team of Angel and Tak
Oompa Loompa doompadah dac *

The crowd goes wild. One Oompa jumps up on stage and start rocking out with us.

TICKLING THE OOMPA-OTRON

One group started dancing.

AHHHH, OOMPARAINA

And I didn’t even know Oompas did this.

Gettin’ Oompa with it

One of the Oompas gives me the Detour. Testing candy or making candy.

“Let’s make some candy.” Angel tells me. “I am sure we can make a bunch of kids happy.”

Once at the candy labs Angel and I split up to work faster and within the hour we have developed 8 candies. I look at our candy tester.

WAIT, WHERE’S THE FIFTH KID?

“Hey Kids, you ready to try some great new candies?” I shout out

“Yeah!!!!!!” the testers yell back.

Angel insist in going first. “Try my Rhesus’ Pieces! They are chocolaty good.”

The first kid takes a bite and begins screaming. “It has raw meat in it!”

NOT FILLED WITH NUGGUT!

“Monkey meat!” Angel declare happily.

“What?!?!?!?!?!” I shout. “Are you crazy? You can’t give people chocolate cover monkey part! That is wrong! I mean really wrong, like beating up Nuns or hooking up with Paula Adrool during a show. What were you thinking?”

Angel had a psycho look in his eyes. “So you are telling me I can’t let them try my Monkey Clumps with caramel or the Monkey Way bars I made or my famous Mexican Monkey Brittle? That is so like you, trying to steal all the glory. And trying to make me look bad. You are just like my father. I'll kill you!!”

I look at Ralph, who shrugs. As Angel begins to get more worked up, I walk over and zap him with a stun gun. I grab some duct tape and secure him tight. I guess I’ll have to carry him to the end of the race.

I turn back to the kids, who are still spitting out the Monkey candy. “Hey lets something I made. These are toothpaste mint patties. The are minty and prevent cavities.

ANOTHER BAD TRY

Strike one.

“Here is a candy I made from something I found behind one of the Candy Lab table. I call them Good & Linty. Try one little girl.” I ask politely.

I GUESS NOT

I get the fanny pack from Angel and head back to the Candy lab. I quickly whip up some chocolate bars with almonds and caramel, wrap them and take them back to the kids”

“How about these candy bars kids? Would you come back and pay .75 cents for them.”

The children all jump up and down cheering “Yes, We would!” I give them most of the candy, grab Angel and move towards Piccadilly Circus.

Ralph asks “So what was so great about those candy bars?” I show him as we emerge at street level.

CANDY WITH SPECIAL WRAPPING

I run down the street as fast as I can, carrying the unconscious Angel. I can see Piccadilly Circus ahead. Only 100 yards to go …

Jon and Nightcrawler: We've got a little song for you

2007-03-08T09:21:00.000-05:00

Oompa Loompa doompadee dee
First racer eliminated was SQT
Oompa Loompa doompadee der
Getting the boot was unfortunate for her

She had a chance to write something sleek
About her partner the dangerous Mystique
Having her go is such a darned shame
You know exactly who’s to blame:
That snarky guy Simon

Oompa Loompa doompadee bar
It’s too bad that she didn’t go far
The rest went on to race in round two
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompadee do

Oompa Loompa doompadee dam
Next one to go was Amazing Spider-Man
He didn’t even race, he just walked away
Therefore we have no more to say

Oompa Loompa doompadee papaya
The next team to go was led by Gaia
Oompa Loompa Doompadee Noriegas
They couldn’t get past the challenge in Vegas

That guy Havok has concentric circles
Which kind of makes him look like a jerkle
Their pace was slowed to a sleepy walk
All because Celine Dion couldn’t talk
How long will my heart go on?

Oompa Loompa Doompajack Bauer
Despite being a team with so much power
Maybe you should just visit the zoo
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompadee do

Oompa Loompa Doompadee band
Guess who got lost in Disneyland
Oompa Loompa Doompadee larval
Say so long to Cyclops and Ms. Marvel

Did they get lost on one of the rides?
Was it fun? Did they split their insides?
Did he get stuck in line waiting to pee?
Was she too busy shaking her hi-ni?
Did anyone take a pic?

Oompa Loompa Doompadee leak
Showing the alure of her sexy cheek
They had fun at Disneyland too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompadee do

Oompa Loompa Doompadee Dat
Next to go was the guy in the bee hat
Oompa Loompa Doompadee dealer
That is unfortunate for that young mutant healer

Why was he stuck with that villainous fellow?
Who crushes and summons and harshes your mellow
But they couldn’t get past the giants of frost
Then Thor punched Henchman at no extra cost
I would pay to see that

Oompa Loompa Doompadee Elixir
Maybe we’ll see them at a celebrity mixer
They were stopped at their Asguard debut
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompadee do

Oompa Loompa Doompadee pickle jar
Gyrobo’s posts were so bizarre
Oompa Loompa Doompadee carbon rod
Too bad Gambit is such a lame wad

Gyrobo is master of the odd non sequitur
Now he has the free time to eat an apple fritter
Why is it that Simon likes the giant phallus?
And gives us comments that are so gosh darn callous?
Maybe he has issues

Oompa Loompa Doompadee oboe
Time for us to say goodbye to Gyrobo
Now he can feed the Buddhists stew
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompadee do

Oompa Loompa Doompadee deest
Next to get the boot was Noel and Beast
Oompa Loompa Doompadee dem
We have to wonder what happened to them

So where did they go when we were fighting zombies?
Perhaps they went shopping at Abercrombie’s
A leg or two after leaving the store
They got stuck in a fight with dinosaurs
Doesn’t that make you sore?

Oompa Loompa Doompadee supple
Don’t you think they make a nice couple?
Did they get to base one or base two?
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompadee do

Oompa Loompa Doompadee MacArthur
Koma was hounded by Robo Bea Arthur
Oompa Loompa Doompadee dan
Don’t you just feel sorry for Caliban?

Taken along on a pointless ride
While Koma and camera girl amorously collide
But is it true that she’s spying on Koma?
And did she live in Tulsa Oklahoma?
Don’t give me a bum steer

Oompa Loompa Doompadee proctor
Say so long to that evil doctor
Here’s a can of Fosters for you
From the Oompa Loompa Doompadee do

After completing our song and dance routine for the Oompa Loompas, Nightcrawler and I stood frozen and looked at our silent audience. The Oompas looked back at us. Did they like the song? Would they applaud?

Would they applaud?

To be continued...

Final challenge

2007-03-07T20:16:00.000-05:00

The first clue had us go into a glass elevator from Beijing. How we ended up in either America or England or somewhere is beyond me. It doesn't matter. Whatever this insane man comes out and starts singing!
" Welcome racers to my factory here there are wonders..."

" SHUT UP!" I yell. " Damn! What is your problem? Just tell us what we have to do!"

" Ooh! Your a sour one aren't you? " He responds. I Look at the sign of the place we are in. Great a chocolate factory. Well it's a good thing Kakarot is not my partner. That Clown would eat everything in here.

The inside is like what I suppose one of Kakarot's dreams is like. A psychedelic place, with giant sweet mushrooms, a chocolate river and disturbing little singing men .

Logan growls " Who are those horrible little men? "

" Ooompa Loompa doobity dack . You are calling the pot calling the kettle black!"

" Those are the Oompa Loompa's!" The weird little man shouts gleefully. I think I may kill him. " I found them in Loompa Land, I pay them in caco beans."

" Slave labor eh?" I smirk.

" Why heavens no!" He seems shocked.

Logan pops his middle claw at them. " Tell then I hate them!"

" That's too bad." says Wonka . " You have to sing an Oompa Loompa song!"

I grin " Logan gets to do that."

" Why me?" he protests.

" Because I'm stronger than you are." I state. " Now Go!"

" One O' these days I'm gonna kill ya. " He grumbles.

" It is nice to have dreams mutant. Now what does Logan have to do?"

Wonka sings this long boring song. But really what it boils down too is Logan has to sit in a room with those little creeps for an hour , and listen to them then he has to copy it, And it has to be about another racer.

So while I wait, Wonka who I find out this freak's name is questions. " Would you like something to eat?"

" Have any thing besides candy?"

" No."

"Then no I would not." I sneer.

Finally Wolverine comes out ready for his song.

" Oompa Loompa Diddliy din. Who kept sayin' this race was his to win? It wasn't me or Mr. Bulma. It was Capitan Koma! Ooompa Loompa giddly goots Caliban can back ta shinin' my boots!

The Oopma Loompa's clapped and gave their approval. I was wondering why I mean he rhymed Koma with Bulma. He later told me . " Yeah, after about fifteen minutes with 'em I snapped , and started hittin' them. They said they would approve whatever I said as long As I didn't kill 'em."

Ah. First they are forced into slave labor, now they are beaten by the rodent. If I had compassion I think I would be feeling it for these disgusting little creatures. As it is I want them away from me, they insult my senses.

One of them fearfully tries to give the next clue to me But Wolverine barks at him, forcing him to scamper away , dropping the clue.

I pick it up. " Well we can either make some kind of candy or try to taste test some."I read.

" Let's do the easiest one an' taste some candy ." Logan. Says ' What's the worst that can happen?"

Famous last words.

First one I eat all my clothes turn pink.

" This does not even make sense!" I ponder this when I hear Logan scream.

"My Nose!!! Where's my nose!"

" Are we finished ?" I question of the maniac running this place.

" No. There are more samples to come!" He retorts too gleefully for my taste.

I eat another , and I become this.

I turn to see what Logan's did to him. " Arrrgh! I now have a creamy strawberry center! an' it's leakin' out!"

I smell the ooze (because there is no way I am eating that. ) " That is grape, not strawberry."

" Don't matter Bub!" He hisses. " Flavored gunk shouldn't be comin' outta my pores!"

The next candy piece doesn't do me much better.

Nor does Logan's.

The next one a lollipop does something horrible.

Wolverine is laughing at me. " You have no room to laugh Ms. Pink Claws!"

" What?" He looks down. " Yaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

" Well sirs... I mean madams that is all the candy you have to sample."

"How long do I have to stay like this?" I grab Wonka by the throat.

" Your friend has already turned back!" He gasps. I look and indeed he has.

I snarl. " He has a quick healing ability! That does not help me!"

" Oh." Wonka looks embarrassed." I have no idea how long it 'll last."

" Hey we can't get the next clue if ya kill 'im Darlin'." Logan snidely grins.

" What did you just call me?" I growl.

" Hey calm down it was just a joke." He giggles then his eyes go toward my chest. I blast him.

" Fine give me the next clue Chocolate Man and I will think about not killing you!"

I read the clue while Wonka struggles for air. After dropping him. I tell Logan " we are going to Piccadilly Circus!"

" Sure thing..." He looks down again!

" My Face is up here Idiot! " I growl. I don't know where my armor went, or where this bikini! Came from but at least I have spare armor in a capsule along with the invulnerable cape .

Bah! If I do not change back soon I will relase kakarot on this place let him eat it then I will slaughter Wonka and the ugly creatures , and burn this factory to the ground!

I start to run out of the exit when I notice my new breasts jumping around, how do women run with these things? Yet there is also another problem, " Logan stop looking at my butt!"

Someone is going to be hurt for this ... Badly. But I can't think of that now I have to get to the finish line. " I will not tell you again Rodent!!!! Stop looking at me like that!!!"

yield time.

2007-03-05T23:56:00.000-05:00

Since the news of Captian Koma's elimination, Logan has been doing what he calls a "happy dance." It looks more like a seizure. Whatever . I tell him to calm down. and help me make the yield decision.

" What that's a hard choice? Jon An' Kurt." He growls.

" And why is that?" I ask.

" Because they've won the most challenges they'll be the greatest competition."

" Hmmm I see your point, And The Clone trooper will probably be distracted by Angel's ......issues. "

" So it's decided eh? time to go ta go back ta my happy dance!"

What an idiot. Any way I put up the picture on the board and get ready for the next challenge.

The Grand Finale!

2007-03-04T20:56:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the final leg of the Amazing Mutant Race 3! The three teams who have managed to survive this long are truly a breed apart and worthy of the name champions.

Last week we saw our four remaining teams travel to Beijing, China where they had to show the light a local Chinese sect and help out with the upcoming Summer Olympics. Even though his team set off a small holy war, Vegeta and Wolverine managed to reach the finish line first, making them the winner of the penultimate let of the race.

As the winners, they get to choose one other team to Yield. A Yield forces that team to delay their start time by one hour. Vegeta and Logan must select the picture of the person they wish to Yield and place it on the board.

Koma and Caliban seemed to allow themselves to become distracted from the race by various outside events, causing them to arrive last. As always, the last team to arrive is eliminated.

This leg of the race starts in Beijing China. From there the teams will take a glass elevator to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory in London England. After a brief tour of the factory, Mr. Wonka will present the racers with their Roadblock. A Roadblock is a challenge only one member of a team may perform.

Can you carry a tune? The contestant selected must create an original song in the musical style of the Oompa Loompas. The song must be about another Amazing Race 3 team, either one still in the game or one that has already been eliminated. If the Oompas applaud the song, they will hand out the Detour. If they do not applaud, a new song must be created.

Once the Roadblock is complete, the teams will then receive their Detour. A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. Teams must successfully complete one of the tasks described on the clue. In this Detour, the teams must choose between Test or Taste.

In Test, the teams will be lead to a deep underground sealed bunker. This special room is blast proof, earthquake proof and fire proof to 400 Kelvins. Both members of each team will have to consume 3 samples each of experimental candies that are still in their beta phase. Wonka is known for radical, even potentially fatal, candy designs so the racers should be familiar with the legal terms “assumption of the risk” and “indemnity”.

In Taste, the teams will be taken to the design laboratory where they will have to create some completely new, never before heard of or tasted candy treat. Once Wonka is satisfied that the new confection is indeed novel, samples will then be given to five lucky children selected through a lottery to taste test the candy. If after tasting, they each check of the “I would buy this again” box on their survey cards, this challenge will be satisfied. Otherwise it’s back to the drawing board.

Once the Detour has been completed, the teams must then make their way to Piccadilly Circus. The first team to arrive will be crowned the winners of the Amazing Mutant Race!

Pit Stop

2007-03-04T18:24:00.000-05:00

Once again, another sad effort put forth by the contestants. The conversion efforts weren’t all that terrible, some might even cause some controversy. I must say, that group of cult members were rather easily led astray. You all must have found the place they hide all their weak willed members.

What was disappointing was the ‘good time’ that the members were shown and new event ideas. Why not suggest a version of whak-a-mole, but with dissidents instead of moles? The mine dash, where contestants must flee a mine before a cave in, or even an exotic animal slaughter, how many endangered creatures can you kill before you 12 hour limit is up? The Chinese would have loved them, they are all things the Chinese are familiar with and seem to enjoy doing.

But being that we can’t change the past, on to the winners.

The first over the line for this leg of the challenge is: Vegeta & Logan

But who is last? Who will be eliminated, sent home and thankfully never heard from again?

That would be Koma and Cal. Toodles boys!

Cheers!
Simon

Jon and Nightcrawler: Everybody was kung fu fighting

2007-03-02T08:21:00.001-05:00

We thanked the Polyphonic Spree for including us in their awesome jam session and for the cool robes then quickly made our way to the National Stadium by rickshaw.

“Hello gentlemen, I am famous Chinese actor and stuntman Sammo Hung.”

“Sammo Hung!” Nightcrawler and I exclaimed together.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I am a coordinator with the Olympic Games here,” he answered. “Who better to give the games some good publicity than me, star of the hit television show Martial Law?”

“Hey, I have a question about that show,” I said. “When that one guy threw a grenade at you, how did you manage to catch it, pry open a manhole cover, then toss it down into the sewer before it exploded? I mean, no way could you do all that in 5 seconds.”

“Ah, well let’s just say that we took a few liberties for the sake of entertainment,” the Asian stuntman answered. “It’s Hollywood, not everything has to be 100% realistic does it?”

“Hey, I like my foreign-born, fish out of water, kung fu, cop buddy cop shows to be as realistic as possible,” I answered, then winked at the camera.

“Why were you just winking?” Sammo asked.

“I was breaking the fourth wall,” I answered. “I don’t get to do that often, you know.”

Nightcrawler sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. “He does it every chance he gets.”

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my lawyer,” I said to the camera while pointing to my partner.

“Can we just get on with the challenge?” Nightcrawler asked. “You can speak into the camera all you want when it’s over.”

“Good idea,” I answered. “OK Sammo, we’ve got the greatest, most spectacular new Olympic event ever.”

“Ja, it’s really good,” Nightcrawler nodded.

“Well, let’s take it to the committee, then,” our rotund liaison said and he ushered us into onto the office where the committee members waited for our presentation.

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,” I nodded to the group. “I’m Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and my partner here is X-Man extraordinaire Nightcrawler. Let’s get right to it, shall we? I present to you, the undecathlon.”

“It’s one better than the decathlon,” Nightcrawler added as I held up a board with the number 11 on it.

“OK, this is designed to be competed on over a two day span, like the decathlon,” I continued. “And of course like Nightcrawler said, it’s one better.”

I paused as some of the committee members nodded at the notion.

“The first event is the 100 meter dash.” I pulled away the board to reveal another with a photo of sprinters on it.

“But that is already on the decathlon,” a committeeman protested.

“Oh we’re just getting started.” I showed them the next board. “Fastball Special!”

“Fastball Special?” another committeeman looked confused. “They’re supposed to throw each other or something?”

“Well yeah, a teammate, you know. It’s like a dwarf tossing, but more politically correct.”

“Olympic athletes are the best athletes in the world,” a committeewoman said. “Still, I do not believe they would be successful at throwing each other very far.”

“Yeah, but the Fastball Special is one of the best, most devastating moves in the X-Men’s arsenal,” Nightcrawler added. “The Fastball Special is very cool.”

“OK, what is the next event then?” a committeeman said.

“Obstacle course,” I answered.

“Not just any obstacle course,” my partner added. “This one is the Deadliest Obstacle Course in the world. It’s got a flaming hoop, spiked walls smashing together, swinging blades, and a slide dripping with green slime.”

The members of the committee stared at us silently for a moment.

“And then?” one said with trepidation.

“Hammer throw,” I said. They seemed to give a look of relief so I added. “The mighty hammer of Mjlonir!”

“What?”

“Well not the real one,” Nightcrawler added. “Because, you know, only the truly worthy can wield that.”

“After that is the 400 meter sprint,” I continued.

“What’s so special about that event?”

“Full Contact 400 meter sprint,” I replied.

“And then?”

“Javelin throw.” I showed them the next board.

“And is it a laser javelin or are they going to throw them at each other?” one asked cautiously.

“Naw just a regular one,” I said. “Those things are pretty cool.”

“And the next event?”

“Ten kilometer forced march with 80 pound rucks.”

“And the next?”

“Pugil sticks.”

“And then?”

“Pistol range.”

“And then?”

“One hundred and ten meter hurdles,” I answered.

“What’s the gimmick to that one?” a committeeman dared to ask.

“The hurdles are robots with stun guns!”

“And then?”

“The final event is the battle royal,” I said proudly. “Last contestant standing wins.”

“And how do we score these events?” a committeewoman asked.

“I’m not sure,” I rubbed my chin. “We just kind of figured that you guys would work out these details.”

“I vould think zat the events practically score themselves,” Nightcrawler added.

“Remember, this is the undecathlon,” I said. “One better than the decathlon.”

The committee looked at us silently again. Several uncomfortably quiet minutes ticked by.

“Well I like it,” Sammo Hung spoke up.

The twist in China

2007-03-02T06:47:00.000-05:00

Well we finally depart from Skull Island by Kong Air. The service was really good and the seats were big enough for Cal. The menu was basic but the Sea Cucumber in Sweet Thai Chilli Sauce was delicious.

Kong Air - Fly Kong we never go Wong

We arrive in Bejing and are greeted by a Party Offical.
"Dr Peters, welcome. We heard you were comming to China again." His name is Kwan. I delt with him the last time I came to China hiding from SHIELD. "Unfortunately we cannot provide services like the last time you were here."
"Thats OK I'm only here for AMR3." I tell him.
"We do know that Dr Peters however, this issue with the LMD's that have been attacking you. At this time we can no longer offer you our protection." Kwan was diplomatic.
"Cal and I can take care of the LMD's Kwan." I answer. Cal folds his arms and gives Kwan his best "I'm the tough guy" look.
"What I mean is that we will not be looking the other way if you cause any, trouble. At least until after the Olympic Games." If Kwan's tone wasn't so serious. I would have lauged.
"I understand. Thanks for the warning Kwan." With that Kwan left.
So China is no longer the bad guys paradise it once was. Well some bad guys (Microsoft, Wal-Mart, HYDRA and the Republican Party) still get special treatment but not this evil genius.
"This would never had happened in the Mao's China." I complained in the cab. "In Mao's China they would have converted the Falun Gong memeber's for us."
The cab drops us off out in the street where we are supposed to find the Falun Gong people.

There are two choices a little hovel

and the Swoo Lin Dong.

"So which one is it?" asks Cal
"What the hell lets go for the nightclub." I answer.

We enter the place its the same as every other kind of nightclub. Loud music, bright lights. Girls looking for girls, guys looking for guys and then there were some others.

I don't know what she's looking for. But I didn't want to find out.

We get to the bar, the bartender comes over.
"Were looking for enlightenment from the wheel of law?" I ask him.
"Is that a drink mister?" the barman asks back.
"No its a system of mind and body cultivation practised by Falun Gong." I answer. His face goes blank and he runs into a back room.
"Well that didn't work Koma." complained Cal.
Seconds later two rather large guys walk up to us.
"The management requires that you leave. NOW!" Grunts the smaller of the large guys.
"Ok." I answer and the large guys follow us all the way out.
"Gee Koma that worked, NOT." complains Cal."You've been here before Koma. Don't you have some contacts or something?"
I call some HYDRA buddies. They tell me that the hideout was the little hovel opposite the Swoo Lin Dong. In fact as we get back to the little hovel we see Tak racing after Angel who's running inside the Swoo Lin Dong. I don't think Angel is going to want to leave for a while.
We enter the hovel and there are a few people in there.

"Have you come to convert us to a new religion too?" gripes one of the Gongers.

"Unfortunately, yes." I answer.
"Then you too will be punished for proselytizing, along with these cultists." said the barman from the Swoon Lin Dong. Who as we later learnt was with the secret police.

He also had some backup.

"Kill them and make sure their bodies don't get found until after the Olympics." orders the ex-barman.
"I'm too pretty die." squeals Brad the cameraman.
I draw my blaster. I could have drawn my neural destabiliser but it just feels better when your opponent looses body parts. Cal knocks out a few and the rest run off. The ex-barman just stands there, furious. Cal and I walk up to him.
"Hi-yah!" he screams and tries to kick Cal in the face. Cal just grabs the leg and dangles him in the air like a doll.
"Dude your Chinese and you scream Hi-Yah! That is so stereotyped." comments Cal.
"He works for the secret police. Don't you." I deduce.
-Ptui!- he spits at me. "You will be dead by morning." he says in defiance.
"Should we torture him?" asks Call.
"Please you have already caused too much violence in our defense." protests one of the Gongers.
"Your right." I agree. Also, torture done right takes time and we're in a race. "Cal just knock him out and we'll leave him here with the others."
But there was still the Raodblock to contend with.
"Ummm if we don't get some kind of conversion from at least 5 of you we don't win the race." I tell them as they begin to walk away. "It doesn't have to be a real conversion." I offer. They keep on walking away.
And then I remember and old favour I can call on.
"I can get you guys out of China. All you have to do is agree to being Catholic." I smile as they stop walking away.
"You can get all of us out of China?" asks one cautiously.
"Your little group only." I qualify. There's no way Benny would accept all Falun Gong out of China. But a few converts smuggled out wouldn't be too much to ask of His Holiness Pope Benedict XVI.

His holinesses costume for Halloween.

Benny wasn't happy when I called him, but he owed me big time. I made him a synthoid of Pope John Paul II. The old pontif was requiring some help to do his duties as Pope and Benny (who ran THE INQUISITION) offered me a small sum and 3 Hail Mary's. I now have 2 Hail Mary's left.
We leave the new converts to Catholosism in the hands of some nuns who work as spys for the Vatican.
"The lengths you'll go to win this race Koma." says Cal shaking his head.
"I got the Roadblock done didn't I." I say in my defense. "And probably more realistic than the other losers."

Cal and I read the Detour.
"Rickshaw!" complains Cal. "I 'spose I'm pulling the damn thing."
"Could I take your weight Cal." I argue.
"No." replies Cal in a huff.
"You can chose the Detour though." I offer.
"Aid it is then." decides my mutant partner.
Brad and I get in the Rickshaw. As Cal races us off to the Guangzhou Hotel he starts to sing in a deep baratone.
"Well I... Had the time of my life. No I never felt like this before. Yes I swear its the truth and I owe it all to you."
"Oh I love this song." gushes Brad. Who then began singing in perfect falsetto the female part.
I've had some bad things happen to me in this race. But this was the closest to torture it has ever come.

We get to the Hotel and the volunteers are waiting for the time of their lives.

"So where in the world do you guys want to go?" I ask them. "Name it and we're there."
"Disneyland." shouts one.
"Except Disneyland. Cal and I are baned from anything Disney." I reply.
"New York." calls another.
"My Mom's place in Philly." shouts Brad.
I ignore Brad and open up a portal to New York.
We arrive right at the base of the Statue of Liberty. The are all amazed by the size of the statue and the fact they are there. I'm told the novelty of teleportation does wear off, but I've been doing it for a decade now and I still get blown away by it.
After an hour Cal and I get them together I go to open another portal.
"Koma we only have 9 here." Cal tell's me.
"Li's gone to the toilet." says one.
"She told me she was going to get a hotdog." said another.
Then all of the sudden....

!BOOM!

"Its the Bea's." screams Brad. "Everyone scatter they're only after Koma and Cal."
Thanks a lot Brad. Not only do we have to find a missing volunteer but the Bea's have turned up.
"Blaster Time." I say to myself.
"Koma thats lame." critiques Cal.
"As if you can come up with something better." I snap back. I start blasting the Bea's and they disappear.
"Well that was weird." says Cal.
"Yeah." I reply.
"Hey Koma great shooting." congratulates Brad."And Li's turned up as well."
'How convenient.' I think.
"Ok everybody." I announce. "Lets all get out of here before the cops arrive." I open a portal back to the Guangzhou Hotel.
"Lets all rest in the bar shall we." I suggest. "Maybe Cal and Brad can do some Kareoke."
"Yeah lets go Cal." enthuses Brad.
So Cal and Brad get up and sing a few duets. They really rocked out on "Try a Little Tenderness". I go and see Miss Li. Sensors check out, she's human.
"Li why did you leave the group?" I ask.
"I was going to run away and live in New York. But when those things flew in I thought they were the Army. So I ran back to the group." she looked at me her eye's stained with tears. She was either the best liar I'd ever met or she was telling the truth.
Time to continue the the time of their lives so I go up to the stage. Brad gives me his mic.
"Okay folks its time to continue the tour." I begin when...
"Koma thats not Brad." yells another Brad running into the bar. I turn and
-!fizzzumm!-

I wake up in darkness. I begin a sensor sweep and the pain is incredible.
"Arrrgh!" I scream.
Above me is Kerrick. She's smiling wickedly.
"The collar your wearing will keep you in check for long enough, Austin darling. But first I want you to do something for me."
She puts a device in my hand. I know what this is for.
"So you want the passkey for the LMD's don't you." I gather.
"What do you think darling?" she purrs back. "Anyway you either give me the passskey or you loose the race." She turns and the place floods with light. I see the volunteers, Cal and Brad all in chains. "And even if you don't care about this silly race. I might just kill these innocent Chinese kids."
"Great another moral dilema." I grumble. It takes me a few seconds to punch out the passkey. I give it back to Kerrick.
"Of course this works doesn't it?" questions Kerrick. "I think I better test it."
-!voip!-
An LMD Bea appears. Kerrick transmits the passkey."Take form Alpha-221." Kerrick orders the LMD and it changes instantly into Goldy.
"Now you wont know who to trust will you Koma?" Kerrick gloats and with a -!voip!- she's and the LMD are gone.

Cal breaks out of the chains and sets Brad and the volunteers free. I deprogram the collar and teleport us all back to the Hotel.
I don't know if these kids had the time of their lives. But what I do know is that I'm not going to enjoy whats coming next.

AOC: Aiding the Abettors

2007-03-01T17:44:00.000-05:00

Just as I am going into the Swoo Lin Dong to get Angel, he exits the building smiling.

“I have employed our rickshaw driver to take us to the next challenge. And get this ... his name is Rick Shaw!! It only cost $85 dollars.” Angel informs me with a gleam in his eyes

RICK SHAW DRIVING HIS RICKSHAW

I slap my forehead, “So we have $15 dollars left to do the challenge?”

“Uhhh, no. I also bough drinks for Rick and me.” He says sheepishly

Great! We hop in the rickshaw and head over to the Guangzhou Hotel

WELCOME TO THE HOTEL GUANGZHOU, SUCH A LOVELY PLACE

We are then introduced to the 10 outstanding volunteers for the 2008 Summer Olympics. Apparently these were the folks who turned in more of their dissident neighbor than anyone else in the city.

We load them onto a bus and I start the night life tour. The bus start to rock a bit and the low brrrrrrr of the engine can be heard.

“Good evening all. I hope you all have a great time tonight. We are going to start the evening with a quick tour. Please pull down all the window shades and keep your eyes on me and the front.”

“Directly in front of us is the Forbidden City. I’d take you inside, but it’s forbidden.” I chuckle at my own joke. The group is quiet.

ANNE FRANCIS STARS IN FORBIDDEN CITY…

“Now over my shoulder is Tiananmen Square. Didn’t you guys have a little flap there about 20 years ago. I feel your pain, pesky separatist”

TIANANMEN, AND NO WOMEN

I group is starting to get restless.

“Look here is a re-enactor portraying a democracy movement supporter running from the Glorious Army of the Republic, I mean People, Glorious Army of the People.”

RUN LEE LO, RUN

“And finally you can see The Great Wall of China. Let’s see the neighbors dog bet by that.” I grin a the group. “This concludes out tour, we are now back at the hotel. You can lower the shade and exit the bus. I hope you all had a great time.”

A woman stands up and yells at me, “Are you some kind of idiot! We never left the parking lot. You winged friend just shook the bus and made BRRRRRRRRR noises. That fat cameraman held up large photo in front of the bus. The last was black and white!!!! How stupid are you anyways?”

“Ha Ha, you got the joke. Good for you miss. Now we will do the real evening.” I turn to Angel and whisper loudly “What’s plan B.”

Half an hour late we are at Swoo Lin Dong, every one is dancing and having a great time.

Ralph asks Angel “So how did you afford to pay for this party?”

“All I had to do was provide a little entertainment for the Swoo Lin Dong patrons.” He says as he points to the center stage.

DANG IT!!!!

We head back to Guangzhou around 4 am in the morning. I need of a shower ….

Jon and Nightcrawler: We be jammin'

2007-02-28T22:36:00.000-05:00

“I don’t know, Jon,” Nightcrawler shook his head. “I don’t have much experience deprogramming cultists.”

“Yeah, but weren’t you a Catholic priest or something?” I asked.

“Not really,” he shrugged. “I am very religious though.”

“I know what you’re saying,” I replied. “So who should we grab?”

“It doesn’t matter to me,” Nightcrawler replied. “Let’s just get five. You don’t have a brainwash reverser on your sonic veapon do you?”

“Unfortunately no,” I answered. “We still might be able to use it though.”

We quickly snatched five of the cultists and took them to a theater. The theater was large and quiet, and we thought it would be a good place for me to work them over.

Unfortunately, the victims weren’t responding very well.

“Just convert already or I’ll shoot you again!” I growled as I held up my Wristcomm for them to see. The quintet cowered, but they still clung to their unusual beliefs.

“You’re not doing so well,” Nightcrawler said to me from the shadows. “Do you have a plan B?”

I shrugged a shook my head dejectedly.

With a clacking sound, we were bathed in the stage lights.

“Hey, what’s going on here?” a man stepped towards us. He was wearing a robe as was a couple dozen other people with him.

“Ah, we’re just trying to help these poor people here,” I answered.

“Nonsense,” the leader of the group replied. “These are members of Falun Gong and you’re trying to convert them, aren’t you?”

“Well, yeah but you know,” I paused and looked at the man. I looked at him again. “Wait, aren’t you Tim DeLaughter, lead singer of Polyphonc Spree?”

“Guilty as charged,” the musician grinned and gave a slight nod. “OK gang, one… two… three!”

The members of the group broke out into song.

Light and day is more than you'll say

Because all
My feelings are more
Than I can let by
Or not
More than you've got
Just follow the day

Follow the day and reach for the sun!

You don't see me flyin to the red
One more you're done
Just follow the seasons and find the time
Reach for the bright side
You don't see me flyin to the red
One more you're nuts
Just follow the day
Follow the day and reach for the sun

Just follow the day
Follow the day and reach for the sun!

You don't see me flyin to the red
One more you're nuts
Just follow the seasons and find the time
Reach for the bright side
You don't see me flyin to the red
One more you're nuts
Just follow the day
Follow the day and reach for the sun!

Just follow the day
Follow the day and reach for the sun!

Just follow the day
Follow the day and reach for the sun!

“Zat vas pretty catchy,” Nightcrawler said.

“Yeah, I do like that song,” I added.

“Thank you,” Tim said as other members of the group smiled and bowed.

“Nice… song…” one of the Falun Gong members stammered.

“Can you sing it again?” another asked.

“Sure,” one of the Spree singers answered gleefully. “We sing this all the time.”

“All the time!” other members of the band agreed.

“Wait, wait,” I held up my hands. “I have an idea here. You guys aren’t a cult, are you?”

“Ah, no,” replied Tim.

“You are all part of a major religion, right?”

“Well sure, we all believe in God,” Tim replied.

“I’m Presbyterian!” one of them added happily.

“Zat’s good.” Nightcrawler leaned towards me. “Who’s he?”

“I don’t know,” I answered quietly. “They all look like dudes in robes to me.”

“So why are you asking?” Tim asked. “Can we move this along? We have a concert here this evening.”

“How would you guys like five more members?” I enquired.

“Who these guys? Sure, we’re in the middle of a Far East tour,” Tim answered. “We could use a few locals for flavor. Are you guys musicians?”

“I play maracas,” one said.

“I guess I can sing,” another said. The other three looked at each other and nodded.

“Then we’d be glad to have you join us,” the leader of the group said delightedly.

“One more thing….” I said.

“Now you’re pushing it,” Tim smiled at me. “What do you want?”

I opened up a secret compartment on my Wristcomm and pulled out a kazoo. “Mind if I join you?”

“Sure! How about your mutant friend here?”

“Ahh, I don’t know, do you have a wood block or triangle or something?”

“We sure do! Let’s jam!”

Holy war games Batman!

2007-02-28T01:43:00.000-05:00

Hmph! This island does not have enough food to sustain me. Before the race had begun again, I found my self eating talking baby dinosaurs. So annoying when they scream "NOOOOOOOOO!"

So yes I was glad to leave the Skull Island ( Well that and King Kong cheats at poker.) Even if it was in the most rickety plane ever to fly. Thing would have crashed if I did not jump out and catch it.

So we are supposed to find the secret HQ of the Falun Gong eh? Luckily I over hear a cab driver, tell the clone trooper where the one at the mall is. Good him , and his strange bird man partner will take the other one while me and Logan go for this one.

When we arrive they are pretty easy to find they are the ones In the matching clothes, Talking about "peace and morality." Bah! Worse than that monk on Daxam. The man stalked me and ruined any fun I could have had there.

So I tell Logan "All yours."

" What? Are ya flamin' playin' at bub? I don't wanna do whatever it is we have ta do wit 'em."

" Tough!" I answer. I drag him over to the cultists.

Now Let Logan regale you with his part of the challenge. While I go see what Bulma is up too.

Wolverine

No good son O' a monkey! A' course it's gotta be one O' those challenges, Only one O' us can do. This guy gives me a note with the challenge, I look it over. I see Chuck is gettin' back at me fer pushin' 'im down the stairs that time.

"Ok I gotta convert five O' ya yahoos to a major religion. Who wants it?"

Silence. I think I hear a cricket chirpin'.

Great. I gotta convince 'em. So I start talkin' up the 5 we want 'em to convert ta. And The cultists throw back their flamin' dogma.

" Our founder can read the minds of us all! And he has other supernatural powers!"

" Yeah I know a bald guy in Westchester, that can read minds what of it?" I answer. "Then I call 'im. An' Chuck tells 'im what they are all thinkin'. " Then they give me back the phone.

" Logan this wouldn't happen to have anything with the race would it?"

Uh-oh. " What's that Chuck? Yer breakin' up. The reception here is lousy. I'm gonna go . "

I look over the cultists. Looks like I'll have ta shock ,em inta listenin, ta me.

" Ok I got powers myself watch this. " I pop my claws with a Snikt! an' stab myself. The wound heals, an' all O' them gasp.

" Ya all think that's impressive?" I grin. " Come on an' take a look at this."

I show 'em the hotel across the street that Vegeta, had checked inta with his hot wife, O' course the alien freak don't put down the shades. So at one part the two O' em are floatin'. Thankfully with clothes on.

I start throwin' rocks at the window, and Monkey boy gets annoyed and opens it , and starts blasting in our general direction. "Logan! What are you doing?" He commands.

" Transform inta a super saiyan!" I shout back.

" What? I am busy! But I shall. Then after I am done showing you my abilities If you and those cult weirdos want to watch I do not care!"

Ya know I beginnin' ta think he comes from the planet voyeur or somethin'.
But whatever he transforms inta a super saiyan 4 and flies around a bit. Fires some blasts picks up a car , and crushes it.

" Now I shall return to my wife." He flies up to the window , an starts tearin' up her clothes.

I turn around . " Ok Ya'all let's get outta here before we see somethin' we can't un see eh?" All O' them left with me. Except one guy who was droolin' at the window . There ain't no way I'm goin' back fer 'im. I ain't gonna risk gettin' an eyeful O' somethin' that'll make me wanna gouge out my peepers. That kid is on his own.

So after that many O' he cultist were really wantin' ta listen ta what I had ta say I got one ta become a Buddhist, another Two ta become Christian. Two more inta Islam. And some went inta Judaism and ,Hinduism But I stopped countin' after I hit five.

Yeah but some O' the cult guys decided I was divine and built a cult around me, Not what I was wantin'.

This is how they see me.

And they think Vegeta is the Devil.

Ya know , I don't doubt it.

Another faction worships Vegeta.

Disturbin' and plain wrong.

And I'm the devil ta them.

Not my good side.

Another faction was started up called the angel and the demon, they believe Veg Head was a demon who became good by knockin' boots wit' Bulma.

Flamin' weird. Guess who started this one? If ya said droolin' pervert ya win a cookie.

All the factions started arguing, then declared a holy war on each other. Sigh I'm goin' ta Hell fer this I just know it.

Vegeta.

Well that was relaxing. I'm taken out of the moment by an explosion outside. I get up and, put on my armor While I notice Bulma already has a weapon ready. Logan runs in through the door.

" Whew! I'm so glad yer finished, and dressed. I was afraid I'd see somethin'" He huffs.

" What is going on out there?" I demand.

" I kinda started a holy war. " he says sheepishly.

" I leave you alone for an hour, and you cause the Crusades? Did you at least finish the challenge?"

" Yup. I got the next clue." He smiles .

" Fine then. Where do we go next?" I see Bulma already getting a Capsule jet bike , and waving bye.

" Be careful with crazies out there " I warn her.

" With all the devices on me the crazies need to worry about me. Don't worry go back to your race." She blows a kiss before leaving.

" Ok. Pay attention, bub." Logan growls. "We gotta choose showin' a bunch O' people a good time. Or we can create a new event for the games."

We both choose the new event. We head to the rickshaw. " Aw man!" grumbles Logan. "Where's the guy that's supposed ta pull this thing?"

" I think your little war has made him run off." I reply. " Do not worry sit in the Rickshaw. I shall pull this. " In two seconds flat we are at the site of the games.

The problem is using my speed, had completely destroyed the rickshaw, Also it injured Logan. Not that it would really bother him all that long. I noticed as we were walking into the arena that Logan was wearing his brown costume, not the yellow one he wore a while ago.

" Did you actually change costumes on the way to get me?" I ask.

"Nah. Marvel is makin' me wear this costume durin' the race that keeps changin'. Somethin, Reed Richards came up wit. Any way they say it sells more action figures."

" Your not going to turn pink or rainbow colored on me are you?" I try to stifle my laughter at the thought.

" I hope not." He shrugs.

After some preparations we are ready to show our game to the Olympic committee.

"What is that?" One judge asks. Pointing at my creation. That looms 15 feet above them.

" That is the burning happy face of death." I respond proudly.

" And what is the event you want to do with it?" Questions another judge.

" Logan tossing." I laugh.

" What?" Wolverine almost gets out before I throw him.

"The object." I continue, " Is too throw Logan into the center. Without him getting burned. If they miss the ring completely or Logan gets burned they lose points. " I throw him a couple of more times just for the Hell Of it, his costume keeps changing each time.

" But sir. " A judge raises his hand. " Wolverine though small is extremely heavy."

" Yes." I snort. " He should lay off the burgers."

" Hey Bub!" he protests. " A guy's who's appetite jest destroyed an entire island's ecosystem shouldn't talk! besides it's the Adamntium in my skeleton."

" Sure it is Logan." I turn my attention back to the judges. " I had actually thought of that. Which is why I brought Mini Logan!"

This little freak starts jumping around yelling "Happy happy!" it then jumps on Logan. " I'm gonna to make you smile!" It than starts tickling him.

" Aaaah! Where didja get this flamin' thing?" Logan yells.

" I found it in another universe I think it was called Earth 616 1/2. It's so annoying. I had I thought about releasing it on you to serve you as a sidekick, but this is a better use for him. So I had Trunks deliver him for this.

The tiny Wolverine starts asking "Do you know your Abc's?" Then starts singing them while dancing on Logan's head. One of the Olympic athlete's they had there to try to play the game we created grabbed him and threw him threw the Burning Happy Face of Death.

" Wheeeeee!" it exclaims.

" That is acceptable." the judges finally tell us, giving us the next clue. " that was disturbin'." Was all Wolverine would say on the way to the Pitstop.

Meanwhile One judge asks another " How do we get the burning happy face of death to stop burning?

While we wait we learn that Kurt's a chicken

2007-02-28T01:23:00.000-05:00

"They might as well put our names on these chairs." gripes Cal. "We've been given the yeild more than any other team."
"That only means that we're a threat Cal." I tell him. "Anyway we should use this time to work on our tactics dealing with Miss Bea."
"So Goldy's not Kerrick then?" asks Cal.
"Yep and its not cause of some gut feeling." I state proudly. "I got a blood a test on her, Kerrick is O negative and Goldy is A positive." Really its a load off my feet that Goldy isn't Kerrick.
"You sure 'bout this Koma. Cause I know stuff can be tampered with." warns Cal.
"I did the tests myself Cal. And here comes the blonde beauty now." I announce as Goldy arrives at the Yield station.
"Austin I haven't been completely honest with you." she says biting her lower lip.
My mind races I imagine seeing her rip a latex mask off revealing that all along she was Kerrick or worse a robotic Bea Arthur.
"What is it?" I reply a little shakely. My right hand drifting towards my blaster.
"Bea could you come over now honey!" calls Goldy over her shoulder. My hand gets to my blaster I start to draw it. Then I see Goldy's Bea.
"Bea this is Austin. Remember I told you about him." prompts Goldy.
"Hello Austin." Greets the child.
Honestly there was a little thought in my head that said I should use the blaster first just to make sure. But I didn't did I.
"Hello Bea." I answer.
"Your not a real doctor are you?" she demanded.
"Bea!" exlaims Goldy to her daughter.
"Its OK Goldy. I am a real doctor Bea. In fact just for dealing with curious little girls I have my diploma right here." I reach into my coat and pull out a copy of my Doctorate from Melbourne University.
"Hmmm! It looks real." says the little girl trying hard to find something that looks fake.
"Bea honey why don't you go and check the document with Tilly." offers Goldy.
"Ok Mommy. Bye Ausitn, bye Caliban." waves Bea as she walks off to Tilly, who I correctly assume is Bea's nanny.
"Austin. Thanks." Goldy kisses me, it was rather inviting.
It said thank you, but with the suggestion of a whole lot more thank you later on. I could get used to this.

"uh-hummm!" coughs Cal. "I think we have a race to run."
Goldy smiles at me, no she beams. Woof! was all I could think. She leaves.
"Earth to planet Koma. Come in Koma." gibes Cal.
"Yeah about the Robo-Bea's." I resume plan mode. "There are only 4 of them left for Kerrick to set on us. And they can't change their form unless Kerrick cracks the 246 digit passkey."

!!!!READER ALERT IMPORTANT INFORMATION!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"And they can't change their form unless
Kerrick cracks the 246 digit passkey."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
!!!!READER ALERT IMPORTANT INFORMATION!!!

"And if she cracks the passkey they can look like anyone?" he asks a bit perturbed by thought of dealing with 4 LMD's that don't look like Bea Arthur.
"Yes but I'm quite sure she hasn't had the time to break the passkey. So they still have to be Bea Arthurs." I'm about to go onto a plan I had for capturing one of the robo-Bea's so we could find Kerrick. When theres a
!BAAMMF!
I cough at the smell of brimstone.
"Dude that just smells like the worst fart, EVER!" elucidates Cal.

"Girl scout cookie for your Yield Koma." smirks Nightcrawler.

This time I do pull my Blaster.
"Kurt you better get your pointy tail out of here." I warn "Cause I'm going to pull the trigger in 3 2 1."
!BAAMF!
So much for team spreken zee scared.

AOC: Falun Down Converters

2007-02-27T17:19:00.000-05:00

The Skull Island Airport is huge.

FLY KONG AIR TODAY

Who knew this primitive island had so many visitors. Turns out King Kong has a film festival here every year, Monkey Dance. All the Hollywood types come here. They needed an airport this big just to accommodate the number of planes it takes to bring in the Baldwin family.

Several hours later we arrive at the airport in Beijing and are whisked off in a cab. The cab driver barks “Where to, bub?”

“That’s weird. You sound like you have a New York accent. What’s the deal?” I inquire

“International Cabbie rules don’t allow a cabbie to speak fluently the language of the city where they work. Rules’ have been in place since ’83. Surprised you haven’t noticed to before. So where to, Bub?”

“The Falun Gong secret headquarters.” I reply

The cabbie grunts, “Which one jerk. The one by the Golden Resources Shopping Mall on Yuanda Lu or the one by Taoranting Park ?”

I look at Angel, who just shrugs. “I guess the one by the park.” I tell the cabbie.

10 minutes later we are standing front of two buildings. One is masquerading as an “IStockPhoto” Hut. Clever bastards.

THIS PHOTO HUT FRANCHISE CAN BE YOURS: CALL 1-800-555-7825

The other building is some kind of night club and Karaoke bar. Angel is mesmerized.

THE SWOO LIN DONG

“Angel lets go in the IStockPhoto hut. I think that is the secret base.”

“No Tak, I think we need to go in the Swoo Lin Dong. It name sounds like Falun Gong. It is the right place”

“Angel, are you nuts. The Falun Gong believes in living a moral life base loosely on the teaching of the great Dharma and meditation. I can’t see them hiding out in a neon leather bar.” I said raising my voice a bit. Was that Koma and Cal coming out of the club?

Angel began to yell at me “Why do you always boss me around. I know I need to get in to that club and when we do I might find enlightenment within. The Falun Gong is in there, I feel it in my bones.”

“I am sure you feel it in your bone, you nut job. The Falun Gong is not hiding in that club. Can you see a Falun Gon member going to a more un-Falun Gong establishment?” I practically screamed at him.

Angel yelled back at me. “The Falun Gong is in there. Damn, you are as bad as my father …”

A couple of people came out of IStockPhoto hut and made shushing noises at us.

FALUN TO THE WRONG CROWD?

I turn to them. “What!?!?”

“Could you to idiots keep it down and stop screaming Falun Gong at the top of your lungs? What are you trying to do, bring the police down on us?” The women said

A man joined in “Yeah what kinds of moron keep screaming out the name of an organization right in front of its secret headquarters? Are you with the Amazing Mutant Race 3?”

Angel and I both nod yes.

The man hands us an envelope, “I was told to give this to you, but not to read it. If you complete what is said in the letter, then I have another envelope for you.”

I take the letter and read it. “Hey it says here I need to get 5 of you to convert to Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism or Buddhism. So who wants to go first?”

Most look at us like we are crazy, but one man says “I would like to convert to Buddhism! I have always wanted to build shrines to my ancestor and worship them.”

“Sorry sir, but that is Shintoism not Buddhism. Geez, only a moron would get those confused.” I explain.

All of the people just stare at us. I think it is time to pull out all the stops and start shouting “IStockPhoto is Falun Gong!” at the top of my lungs.

One of the men says “Quiet! You’ll bring the police. We will give you 5 converts”

I hand out one application for each religion; get the folks to sign on the dotted line. As I am handed the next clue I say “don’t worry folks, I’ll get these in the mail and within the week you can start practicing your new religion. Have fun.”

I turn to Angel and see him ducking inside the Swoo Lin Dong. If he slows us down, I’ll beat him to a pulp.

TBC

Yield to General Jon!

2007-02-26T14:00:00.000-05:00

No no, I'm not on a power trip or anything. I just wanted to present my Yield for this leg.

Oh the choices, oh the choices.

Actually, there doesn't seem to be much of a choice.

AOC and Angel are often hindered by Angel's (many, many) issues.

Vegeta and Wolverine are often hindered by their many brawls.

Lenny and George, I mean Koma and Caliban don't seem to have anything to slow them down. Oh sure, you have the robotic Bea Arthurs, but really how dangerous could a cybernetic octogenarian really be?

And no, this is not some sort of revenge on Koma for giving me the Yield last time around. I'm the good guy, I don't do "revenge."

This is just a logical, obvious choice.

Oh and Captain, Space Ghost just called, he wants his hoodie back.

The Ninth Leg of the Race

2007-02-25T20:29:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the ninth leg of the Amazing Mutant Race 3, the last round before the Grand Finale. This week shall be the last elimination round. The surviving teams at the end of this week will be racing to the finish line.

Last week we saw our five teams travel to Skull Island where they had to sample local delicacies and interact with the wild life, either by entertaining it or by destroying it. Saving precious time by cleverly having King Kong defeat the dinosaurs for them gave Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and Nightcrawler the time they needed to reach the finish line first.

As the winners of that leg, they get to choose one other team to Yield. A Yield forces that team to delay their start time by one hour. Jon and Kurt must select the picture of the person they wish to Yield and place it on the board.

The lengthy battle Noel and Beast waged against the dinosaurs and giant insects delayed them enough that they were the last team to arrive. As always, the last team to arrive is eliminated.

This leg of the race starts on Skull Island. From there the teams will catch a Kong Air jet at the island’s international airport. The jets will fly the teams to the Beijing Capitol International Airport where they will then catch taxis to the secret Beijing headquarters of Falun Gong, a local religious cult. It is here our racers will face their Roadblock for this leg of the race. A Roadblock is a challenge only one member of a team may perform.

Do you like convertibles? The contestant selected must convert at least five members of the cult to one of the major religions of the world – Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism or Buddhism. Just watch out for the local authorities. They don’t like cults or proselytizers.

Once the Roadblock is complete, the teams will then receive their Detour. A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. Teams must successfully complete one of the tasks described on the clue. In this Detour, the teams must choose between Aid or Abet.

In Aid, the teams will travel by rickshaw to the Guangzhou Hotel where they will meet 10 volunteers for the 2008 Summer Olympic games hosted in Beijing. These 10 volunteers have been singled out by the Chinese government for having given exemplary service. As a result, they are being rewarded with a night on the town, provided by the Amazing Mutant Race. It will be the job of the racers to show these volunteers the time of their lives at all of the big night spots in Beijing. In the event more than one team selects this Detour, an alternate group of 10 shall be provided.

In Abet, the teams will travel by rickshaw to the National Stadium where the Chinese are busily preparing for the 2008 Summer Olympics. They will meet with the coordinator of the games and must design a brand new Olympic event for China to showcase. This must be an original athletic event suitable for the summer games.

Once the Detour has been completed, the teams must then make their way to the Guangzhou Hotel for the Pit Stop of this leg of the race. As always, the last team to arrive will be eliminated.

Pit Stop

2007-02-25T16:58:00.000-05:00

Well, this will be another short and sweet ending. I hate the jungle, I hate creepy medicine men, and I got a bit unnerved when it came to light that Kong wanted the company of a male over females.

So here's how it came down

First the porn loving medicine man pit stop: Jon & Nightcrawler

Last to the Pit Stop: Noel and Beast

Cheers!

Noel & Beast: Part 2, Dinosaurs and King Kong.

2007-02-24T21:07:00.000-05:00

King Kong, the name of the Giant Ape, leaped off into the jungle. I heard a few natives mumble something about the Detour being ruined. I go over and see what is going on. "Hello, can you tell us what is going on."

"Well Kong was to be part of the Detour for the race. Now that he has escaped whoever is left has to no choice but to do the Dino hunt. Unless we can capture him again, and that might take days. The last time he escaped we lost half our men."

"So I guess that means we have to do the Dino Hunt," says Hank.

"Not necessarily, what if we find Kong and bring him back here? And what were we supposed to do with him anyway?" I ask.

"Well first, it will be near impossible to get him to come back by yourself, so don't worry about that. Secondly, Kong was supposed to be entertained by the contestants and made to come get a picture taken."

"Well that sounded easy enough, but I guess we are stuck doing the Dino Hunt," I sigh

"Yeah, well you will be needing these." He handed us a couple guns. "And these," handed us some grenades. "And ohhhh yeah, you will definitely be needing these." He gave us more weapons and ammo.

"Is that all?" I finally ask.

"Well that's all I can give you," he says as he leads us to the to the doors leading out to the jungle. He opens the doors and we hear all kinds of noises. We walk out and turn towards the man. "Ohhhh and Good Luck." He chuckles and closes the door BEHIND US.

I sigh "So what are we to do, go around and kill all the dinosaurs we find?"

"I guess," Hank shrugs.

We walk out into the jungle. We walk for what seem like miles, and we didn't see a single dinosaur. The jungle is so thick that we can't see much ahead of us.

"You know I'm starting to get the feeling that there are no dinosaurs on this island." I blurt out.

"Well then why would we....." He stops as we finally reach a clearing. I look at him for a second, his eyes are wide and his mouth is open. I turn to look at what he was staring at.

"I uhhhhh..... think I spoke to soon."

We just stand there staring at these giant beasts. I start to wonder if these were the ones we have to kill. I mean true they are huge, but they seem pretty gentle. Plus they have babies.

I look at Hank to see if he may have an answer. He looks just as confused as I feel. As I pull Hank back to discuss our options, I hear some rustling in the trees on the far side of the clearing. The large four legged dinosaurs look over towards the noise and start making hissing sounds. The babies take off running towards us. I quickly jump to the side, just barely getting missed from being trampled. I see that Hank has jumped up in a tree. I look back out into the clearing and see another Dinosaur, mean looking and walking on two legs.

I hear Hank say mumble something. I watch as the large two legged dinosaur attacked one of the four legged one. It was a quick fight and soon the four legged dinosaur was down and being held by the throat by the other. The other four legged dinosaurs tried to protect its fallen friend, but only managed to get bit at. Soon the one that was attacked was dead and the other wandered off after the babies. I had to move yet again as the large beasts slowly retreated back into the forest.

As they walk past I take another quick look at the large two legged dinosaur. He seems to be enjoying himself as it munches on the fallen dinosaur.

Hank approaches me quietly and whispers "I believe those are the dinosaurs we are supposed to kill"

I nod and pull out my gun. Hank does the same thing. As quietly as we can we walk out towards the T-Rex, as Hank called the two legged dinosaur. We split up just before reaching the clearing. I went left so I would be attack it from behind, while Hank went straight attacking from the side. I see Hank make a single, telling me to get down. He must see or hear something I can't. I fall to the ground just as another T-Rex approaches. It is bigger then the other one and tries to get a bite to eat. The smaller T-Rex steps aside and roars real loud. He doesn't seem to happy to share. Soon the two T-Rex's are fighting over the meal.

Hank singles me back to him. As soon as I get there he tells me in a whisper "I think we should stay out of this. We may be able to take on one of these but two..." He shakes is head no. So we both head back into the jungle. I take one quick look back and it seems that the smaller one is losing.

Hank and I continue walking for a short time. Out of no where Hank turns to me and states "Ummm.... I think we better rest here for awhile. I have to go...."

"Go where?" I ask.

"Well lets just say what I ate earlier is not agreeing with me." He looks away quickly.

"Ohhhhh I see, okay I'll wait over there" I point to a log near a small clearing.

He nods and rushes off into the jungle.

I go over to the log to sit and wait. I hear a noise I look behind me and come face to face with a very large bug.

I scream and fall back off the log. I quickly scramble back as the large insect approaches me. As I try and back up I am stopped by a tree. The insect gets closer and rears up ready to attack. Just before it attacks me I see another one and it goes after the one that is after me.

As they attack each other I grab my gun and aim for the closet ones head. I start shooting and hear it make a screaming sound as the bullets hit it. Soon it falls to the ground, dead. The other one looks at the dead insect them back at me. I take aim for this ones head only to realize I am out of bullets. I scream for Hank as the insect gets closer. As it nears I get up ready to fight. I kick it in the head as it tries and bite me. I scramble around behind it and jump on it's back. I then climb up and grab a hold of it's attena. It tries and buck me off by shacking it's head back and forth, but I got a death grip on it. I grip my legs around it's body so that I am able to free one of my hands. I grab a grenade off my belt, then I lean over the head of the creature, pull the pin off the grenade, and quickly shove it in its mouth. I then jump off the insect landing hard on the ground. I have only seconds to cover myself before the insects head blows clear off.

I lay there for a few seconds trying to catch my breath. I feel a hand touch my shoulder and a voice asking me if I am okay. I look up and see Hanks worried face looking back at me. I sit up and say "Yeah, I'm fine." Then I try and wipe the bug guts off me, but it seems pointless cause all it does is smear.

Hank helps me up and says "I'm sorry, I tried to hurry once I heard your scream and then the shots rang out. However it seems you had it all under control."

I throw him a dirty look. "I need to find a place to get cleaned off, then we should head back to the village." I start to walk away.

He nods and follows me. We walk back to a place I remember seeming a small stream. While we walk I get a feeling we are being followed, but every time I turn around I see nothing. We finally get to the stream and I go in to wash off as Hank sits and waits for me. Just as I finish cleaning off all the bug guts and dirt I hear a rustling in the trees once again. I look back towards the sound. Out of the corner of my eye I see that Hank is standing and has his gun raised. I stand and pull out my gun and add a new clip.

We stand and wait for what ever is coming, come into the clearing. We don't have to wait long as we seen a T-Rex bust through the trees. He stops and turns his head back and forth as if it is smelling for something. It then sees us and lets out a very loud roar. And starts running towards us. I take a few steps back and look over at Hank, who hasn't even moved. He still has his gun aimed at the beast. He throws me a look and says "Don't move."

I stop and look back at the T-Rex. I aim my gun and hope for the best. Hank started shooting first Then I joined in. The T-Rex stopped but the bullets didn't seem to phase it at all. I look back at Hank who seems a bit worried now, but keeps on firing. Once he is out of bullets he turns to me and yells "RUN!!!"

It doesn't seem like the bullets are doing anything to him so stop shooting and turn around and run. I can sense Hank right behind me and not far behind him is the T-Rex. Hank catches up to me and grabs me around my waist. "Hang on" He yells.

He throws me over his shoulder and proceeds to run even faster. He leaps up into the trees and jumps from limb to limb. We seem to be flying, and I grab is back with all my strength. I look back and see that the T-Rex is still behind us, but we are gaining a lead.

All of a sudden Hank stops, causing my face to slam into his back. "What are you doing" I yelled as I rubbed my nose. He don't answer me and I sit up to look at what he is. I scream. Right before us is King Kong, the Giant Ape from the village. But he doesn't seem to be looking at us. He seems to be looking behind us atthe T-Rex who happened to stop as soon as it seen the Ape.

King Kong jumps over us and stands between us and the T-Rex. Hank sets me down and we take cover in some near by bushes. We sit and watch to two square each other up. Kong screams at the T-Rex and the T-Rex roars at Kong.

Then the T-Rex jumps at King Kong biting his arm in the process. Kong grabs the T-Rex pushes it back then smashes his fist into it's face. The T-Rex backs off and sakes it's head, then lunges again only to get another fist in the face. King Kong then tries and grab at the T-Rex's mouth. The T-Rex snap at Kongs fingers, but Kong continues his assault. This continues for awhile and soon King Kong gets the upper hand and rips the jaws open on the T-Rex. The T-Rex dies instantly.

After killing the T-Rex King Kong throws it aside and sits down. He glances over at us hiding in the bushes. I decided to stand up and approach the Kong. Hank grabs my arm to stop me, but I pull my arm from his grasp. I tell him to stay as I approach King Kong.

I walk up to Kong look up at his face. He looks away, he seems sad. I reach up and touch his finger. He pulls away and glares at me. "I want to thank you for saving us back there." I say, ignoring his glare.

He stands up and growls at me. I look at him in confusion, I can understand him. I don't know how or why, but I can. I think it may have something to do the fact I used to deal with alien life everyday. Some of them use beeps, growls and such noises to communicate. I have learned how to understand them, even though I can't talk their language.

"Ohhh, come on cheer up, it can't be so bad.

He does a few whooo, whooos.

"Yeah I can understand you just fine. I am not sure why I can, but I can. It may have something to do with the fact i am not from around here."

He turns and sits right in front of me. He does a few more who, whos.

"Lets just say I am from very far away." I continue "So why have you escaped from the village."

He slams his fist down and makes a few scream noises. Then turns his head away from me.

"They do what. That is so awful. I can see why you hate it there." I reach up and touches his fur on his leg. Kong looks down at me and reaches his hand down and picks me up. He is so gentle. He raises me to his eye level.

He who whos softly.

"You want me to help you." I look back down at Hank who is standing there dumbfounded. "Yeah I guess I can help you, just tell me what you want. But I will need something from you if I do talk to them for you."

Who, who.

"I will need you to go back to the village so we can get a picture with you. I promise if you do that for me I will talk to the people of the village for you"

Who, whoooo, whooo, who.

"Okay it's a deal then, now tell me what you want."

He does a whole variety of who whos and I just nod at him.

"I think we can work something out with the village men. Now how about taking us back to the village so I can talk to the people."

King Kong gets up and and places me on his back. He then grabs Hank and places him next to me. He who, whos and I turn to Hank "He says to hang on." Hank grips onto the fur as Kong rushes off to the village. Hank turns to me to ask something, but I guess what he is about to ask and answer it before he can, "Don't ask, cause I'm not too sure myself."

We are soon in the sight of the village King Kong stops and lets us off his back. I turn to Kong and tell him "Just wait right here I'll be back after I talk to them."

Whoo, who.

Hank and I rush off to the village. As soon as we get to the doors they open. The elder lets us in. "Well I see that you are still alive." He laughs then he looks behind us and his eyes widen in shock. "H-how did you get him to come back."

"I just talked to him, that's all."

The elder gives me a strange look "What do yo mean 'talked to him'?"

"It's just as I said, I can understand him and he can understand me. I'm not sure how, but it may have something to do with the fact that I am not from around here and I have a great knowledge of different languages." I shrug

I continue "Anyway I talked to him and he told me he would only come back if a few changes were made."

"Changes?"

"Yes, first of all he wants a bigger and better enclosures. He hate being chained up by those short chains. He said he would stop escaping if you can do this. Second he wants some company, I was thinking that there is a gorilla by the name of Might Joe Young. Joe is smaller then Kong, but not as small as a normal gorilla. If we can't get Joe then a few normal sized females would work to. He is just so lonely. He swears if you will allow this he will listen to you better and even allow people to get their pictures taken with him without a fuss."

"But we can't afford such an enclosure for him. It's not like we haven't thought about it before. All our money goes to feeding him, keeping the dinosaurs away and fixing the place when he does escape."

"If you need money, I can give you what you need as soon as I can. I am willing to donate what ever you need. I'll also talk to Kong and see if he can help with getting the dinosaurs population down. I have seen him fight and he is very good, he just may need some back up."

The man nods. I walk over to Kong to tell him what we were discussing. He gives me a few who whos and follows me back.

"Kong will behave and help with the dinosaurs. All he asks is no more chains. He promises to not escape from the area."

The man shakes his head in confusion, then looks up at Kong. "We will do what we can to make him happy until the enclosure is complete."

"Good now, lets get Kong back and get our picture taken with him."

Hank and I follow the elder and Kong follows us. We hear a few whispers and see a few scared glares. I look back at Kong and say "It's alright, they are not used to you being so gentle."

Who who

I snicker.

We get our picture taken. I am not sure what that look is that Hank is giving me.

Now we are off to find the Medicine Man and to our Pit Stop. Man I need a bath, I smell like Giant Ape and bug guts.

Jon and Nightcrawler: You know the name of King Kong

2007-02-24T10:54:00.000-05:00

“Ve’re going to vhat?”

“We’re doing both Detour challenges,” I said.

“Both?” Nightcrawler couldn’t believe his ears. “How?”

“It’ll be easy,” I answered. “We’ll befriend the big guy, then he’ll help us fight the dinosaurs. It’ll work; I’m really good with animals.”

“You’re good vith animals?”

“Oh yeah, I get it from my father. There was a robin in our backyard that used to land on his shoulder all the time.”

“Ja, but getting a giant monkey to be our freund isn’t the same as getting your dog to beg for a treat, you know.”

“Yeah yeah, I know. I got it though.”

“Ja? So where is he?”

“I don’t know, I just assumed that finding a giant ape on an island would be easy.”

Suddenly a dull rumble sounded from the jungle. It grew louder and louder and a puddle near us began to ripple from the vibration. King Kong appeared from around an immense cliff face.

“Hey Kong!” I yelled out.

The colossal simian beat his chest and roared out the loudest howl imaginable.

“He’s huge!” Nightcrawler looked at the monkey towering over us. “Ten times as big as a man.”

“Bah weep granah weep ninni bong!” I yelled out. The monkey stopped roaring and looked at us curiously.

“Vhat did you just say?” my mutant buddy asked.

“It’s the universal greeting,” I answered logically.

“Vhich universe?”

Before I could answer, the gigantic creature reached down and hoisted me high up into the air. I yelped at the stomach-turning ride, which seemed to amuse the creature quite a bit.

“Say, Kong,” I said. “You wanna go beat up some dinosaurs?”

King Kong’s tongue lolled out and he shook his head up and down. He started running towards the dinosaur park, Nightcrawler had to rush to keep up. We were ready to spring into action when the ponderous primate held up his prodigious paw and shook his head. He placed us down on a giant rock and tore into the thunder lizards with a frenetic fury. Nightcrawler and I stood with our mouths agape as our new friend beat the primitive lizards senseless.

“Vow…” Nightcrawler barely managed to exhale.

“I can’t believe Kong just tore the tail off that one and is now beating him with it!”

The reptiles were no match and were soon defeated by King Kong. With that little bit of business wrapped up, the giant ape scooped us up again and carried us over to the grandstand for the pictures.

We stood there smiling for the cameras when my earlier meal started to get the better of me. My stomach rumbled a bit, then growled a bit, then despite my best efforts, gas erupted from my backside.

“Ew.” Nightcrawler crinkled his nose. “Zat was awful.”

“Sorry about that,” I shrugged sheepishly. “I cut the cheese.”

Kong smelled it too. He crinkled his own nose, then howled and beat his chest and rumbled off back into the jungle from where he came.

“I can’t believe that your flatulence chased him off like zat,” Nightcrawler said.

“Yes,” I said glumly. “It was booty that illed the beast.”

Noel & Beast: Part 1, Lets eat.

2007-02-24T02:33:00.000-05:00

Hank and I are waiting at the docks for our boat to arrive. Soon we see this:

arrive. *You have to be kidding me, it will take forever to get where we have to go in that piece of junk.* I think. I then give Hank a look and he just shrugs and says "Let's go."

We get on and soon we are heading to open waters. The crew on the boat says very little and won't tell us where we are going. To my surprise the little boat is pretty fast and soon we spot a small island.

"There is your destination." The captain finally says.

He drops us off and says "Good luck." Then leaves us in a hurry.

We head down a foggy path, hoping it is the way we are supposed to go.

Soon we enter a small village and meet its natives.

They seem to be looking at something. We walk over and see this Giant Ape.

He is chained up and doesn't look to happy. I have a feeling he will have something to do with either our Roadblock or Detour.

The native people take us to a large hut. There are several tables covered in covered dishes. An elder approaches us and says "One of you has to eat to continue" I think this is our Roadblock.

I look at Hank and tell him "Hey, I think you can handle this one." He nods and heads over to one of the tables. He has never been a fussy eater, and who knows what is in those dishes. I can tell Hank is already regretting this, just by the look on his face.

Hank takes his place at one of the tables and asks the elder "So what is it I'll be eating?" The elder walks over and starts taking off the lids:

Cricket Ka-Bobs.

Some NASTY looking soup.

Fried Caterpillars.

Fried Grasshoppers.

Some other kind of fried bug.

And THIS???

Hank sits and gets ready to eat. He gives me a quick look, and I flash him a small encouraging smile. I am so glad I am not him right now. I sit back as he starts to eat. He goes for the soup first, then the meat head, last is the fried bugs. Once he is done he looks a bit green, but still manages a small smile. I just hope he don't get sick before we get to the Pitstop.

He walks over and I ask "So how was it?"

"Not to bad actually, However......" He is interrupted by a large crash and yells from outside. We run outside and see that the Giant Ape has escaped.

And boy does he look mad.

To be continued.....

Junk Pirates, Sea Cucumbers, and a few dilemas

2007-02-23T07:07:00.000-05:00

Cal and I get to the starting point and all I can think of is Goldy and wether she's Kerrick or not. She's the same height, has the same colour eyes, and almost the same weight. I'm sure Goldy's not Kerrick. But what if she is?
"A kiss for good luck." says Goldy and she kisses me.
I don't answer her kiss with the same enthusiasim.
"Austin your supposed to at least fake that your interested." she playfully scolds
"Sorry just a bit under pressure I've never gone first before." Its not the best excuse. But I think she buys it.
"Now we both know thats a lie Austin." she smiles joking. At least I think she's joking. She walks off and Brad joins me.
"Man she's something Koma." compliments Brad watching Goldy. "How did you get a girl like her?"
"Cause she either loves me or is trying to kill me." I reply.
"Good joke Koma." chuckles Brad.

We get moving and there's this Junk Steamer ready to take us to Skull Island.

I don't like the look of the crew.

"Hi I'm Captain Asian Bad Guy." introduces the Captain.

"Welcome to the Red Hell."

I really don't trust these guys.
"Its a 3 hour cruise. What could go wrong?" says Brad tempting fate.
An hour into the trip and we hit the fog that permenatly surrounds Skull Island. Also my sensors notice the ship begins to sail off course. I find Cal in the Galley playing poker with some of the crew (and loosing badly mind you) I ask him to come over.
"Hey I just got a great hand, I could win some money back." he complains.
"Cal they're Pirates. They've been cheating all along. But thats the least of our worries, the ship just went off course." I tell him.
"So. Ships change course casue of hidden reefs and bad weather. Your paranoid Koma. Why would the CBS people send us off on a Junk manned by Pirates?" questions Cal.
"Ratings." I answer.
"Yeah Koma! replies Cal sarcasticly. "Like I really beleive that. When do you think they'll make there move?" He taunts.
"By the look on Brad's face. I'd say they've already made it." I answer. Brad is being led into the Galley he's tied up and the Pirates are all grinning wickedly.

Ooops! Wrong pic.

My bad guy thought is to let them kill Brad. Then while they're distracted by Brad's senseless and gory death, kill them. Unfortunately having your camera person die comes with a penalty. So we gotta save Brad.
"You will do as we say or the camera man dies." orders Captain Asian Bad Guy.
"We gotta do something NOW Koma." demands Cal.
-!voip!-
I teleport Brad away.
"Bah!" Curses Captain Asian Bad Guy. "What are you two of you going to do against all of us. Bwhahahahahaha!" he laughs. The crew all follow thier very stupid Captain.
"Now." asks Cal.
"Wait a second." I tell him.
-!voip!-
"Whoa! that was a trip." says Brad now with his camera, so he can take footage of Cal and I beating the crap out of the Pirates. Can't afford not to get the ratings can we.
We lock the Pirates up in the hold and take command of the Junk. It's not long till we're on Skull Island.
"Damn I'm hungry." complains Cal "There was nothing to eat on that Junk but chillies." .
"Well that must mean its Junk Food." Jokes Brad.
I remind myself I can't kill Brad and go and find what the Roadblock is.

"Just how hungry are you Cal?" I ask after I've read the Roadblock.
"Koma I already told you I'm famished. Don't expect me to use some stupid phrase like 'I could eat a horse.'" snaps Cal. Gee the hunger is making him really touchy.
Despite this I had a dilema. Was I really the kind of guy who'd trick his teammate into eating something disgusting so I didn't. You know what, I am.
"Your in luck Cal, cause the Roadblock involves eating a feast." I tell him.
"'Bout time one of these damn Roadblocks involved something good." replies Cal.
However, after he gets to view said feast. Cal is not so happy.
"Koma whats this?" he says pointing at something green.
"Its sea cucumber. Also kown as Trepang in Indonesia. Its a delicacy." I tell him.
"Oh really." He took a bite of the delicacy."Well its an aquired taste Koma."
"Here try some of this." I hand him a bottle of Sweet Thai Chilli sauce.
"Yeah! That adds some flavour Koma." thanks Cal. And with the aid of the chilli sauce he finishes the feast. All the natives are gathered around.
"You think they hadn't they seen someone eat before." remarks Cal.

"What is this flavour you spoke of?" asks one of the crowd.

"Its chilli sauce." I answer.
"May we try some of this sauce?" he begs.
We give the guy some of the sauce. He holds the bottle like its the Holy Grail. He tastes some of it and he smiles.
"Can we have the recipe for the sauce? Our food has no flavour, we really need this." asks the taster.
"Well I don't have the recipe on me but the Junk we arrived in has a whole load of chilli. They have seeds in them and you can grow them." I tell them. Then I remeber the Pirates "Oh but watch out for the...Pirates in..the." but they'd already raced off in the direction of the Junk Steamer. I'm sure some good will come of this, just what I don't know.

I get the Roadblock but Cal snatches it from my hands.
"You chose me for the feast Koma so I get to choose the Roadblock. It's only fair." threatens Cal.
"I choose the Dinosaurs." grins the Albino Mutant wickedly. He knows I'd prefer dealing with the giant ape than a horde of vicious dinosaurs, but it was his turn.
"Its your choice. So whats your plan Cal?" I ask.
"We find the dinosaurs and beat them up Koma. What could be more simpler." he replies still smiling.
And that was the plan. So we went searching for the dinosaurs.
After twenty minutes we hadn't found anything not even a turtle.
Then suddenly Cal sees something.
"There are some dinosaurs over in that cave." he points out.
We carefully make our way silently to the cave. I pull out a stun grenade and I'm about to throw it in when one of the dinosaurs sticks its head out of the cave.
"Little Foot is it safe now. Huh huh is it." asks someone from inside.
"Arrrgh!" screams the one looking out of the cave. "Arrrrgh!" Quickly it scurries back into the cave.

Cal and I enter the cave and there they are.

Great! Of all the dinosaurs on this island we find these ones.
"Hey they're hoo-mans not Purple's." says one. And with that Cal and I are surrounded by the cute dinosaurs.
"What are Purple's?" asks Cal.
"They are Purple's and if they bite you, you become a Purple too." answers the one called Little Foot."We are all that is left. Please help us."
I look at Cal and he looks at me.
--- Later---
"So it seems neither of us can say NO to cute little dinosaurs." I gripe to myself as we follow Little Foot and the others to where they last saw the Purple's. Then the cute dinosaurs stop.
"We dare not go any further." he tells us visibly shaking. "The Purple's are over the hill."
Cal and I look over the hill and we see the Purple's.
"Barney's, lots of f$#%ing Barney's." I swear.
"Yeah!" grins Cal."I always hated Barney." And with that Cal runs down the hill into the purple haze of Barney's.
I draw my Blaster and lay down some covering fire for Cal's attack.
With his claws he scythe's though the rows of Barney's but their weight of numbers overwhelms him. They all pile on top of him and I'm quite sure they begin suffocating him. Fortunately I have my trusty jetpack with me. From right above the pile of Barney's suffocating Cal, I fire. They blow up really well. The other Barney's scatter from my airborne assault. I land to find Cal still alive but there's this nasty purple rash on his neck.
"Cal are you all right." I ask hesitantly.
"Two and Two are Four." answers Cal with a jokeresque grin on his face.
"What are these things zombie Barney's." I scream. And it hits me. 'if they bite you, you become a Purple too.' is what Little Foot said. They are zombies.
"And I made a cure for zombies." I shout. I fumble with my belt for the the zombie cure in a spray can (for easy application). I spray it on Cal. It works! The purple rash shrinks and the grin fades from his face.
"Koma what happened?" he asks.
"You were infected and were quickly turning into a Barney zombie." I told him.
"You used the cure. Smart one Koma." says Cal. "Now we can cure the rest of the dinosaurs."
"But we're in a race Cal. We need to win." I remind him. "If we spend time here curing all of the Barney's it'll take days."
"We can cure the others." offers Little Foot and his pals who had been watching with Brad safe on the hill.
"It'll take more than you guys to cure all of those Barney's." I tell them. And now I have another dilema do I A - Help these cute dinosaurs to rid Skull Island of the Barney zombies. Or B - Leave them to a horrible fate while I make sure I don't lose this leg of AMR3. I know what I want to do. I know what Cal wants to do.
"Goldy would want you to save the dinosaurs." says Cal.
"She would Koma. Chicks dig self-sacrifice." agrees Brad.
So thats what we do.
"Ok."I remind myself. "Remember you sacrificed any chance of not loosing this leg for Goldy."
I'm flying in a co-ordinated strike with Cal, and the cute dinosaurs on the ground and me with a few hundred flying synthoids spraying the Barney zombies out of existance. While doing this I multi-task by reassuring myself this was a good decision.
"I wouldn't have done this for cute dinosaurs, for Cal. Oh and definately not for Brad. Yeah this ones for Goldy. And you know what I don't care if she's Kerrick or not. I can deal with her trying to kill me. What relationship doesn't have its drawbacks. I'm sure I can work around it. I am an evil genius."
The cure takes effect quickly and the Barney's change back into dinosaurs. I also find sometime to compose myself.

Then I teleport us back to the village out in front of the medicine mans hovel as Chuck so quaintly described it. Cal and I looked around for a Bea Arthur to appear. Nope she wasn't there.

Just the medicine man and his pin up girls.

Jon and Nightcrawler and a couple of big monkeys

2007-02-22T22:51:00.000-05:00

“Vow, I can’t believe zat you ate all that food,” Nightcrawler gasped.

“Aw that was nothing,” I said. “You should see some of the stuff that my buddy Starkey tries to feed me.”

“OK, so now ve have our next challenge. Which one should ve do?”

“Perhaps I can be of some assistance,” came a voice from the jungle.

“Private Hudson!” Nightcrawler and I exclaimed.

“The one and only,” the marine grinned. “Plus I brought my friend Kong here.”

“Vas? Zat is Koenig Kong?”

“Yeah, you like him?” Hudson asked. “I’ve got him totally trained and everything! Whulp!”

The giant ape grabbed the private and held him upside down.

“Wait a minute,” I said. “That’s not King Kong, that’s only Mighty Joe Young!”

“It is?” Nightcrawler looked at the ape and his new plaything. “Disapointing.”

“Yeah,” I agreed. “We have to go find Kong now.”

Nightcrawler and I headed out into the jungle to go find the colossal simian king of Skull Island.

“Uh guys, can you get me down?” Hudson called out. “Uh guys? Guys!”

AOC: In The Jungle, The Mighty Jungle ...

2007-02-22T17:43:00.000-05:00

Angel secured our passage on the junk steamer, Mannluv. To pay our passage we worked as entertainment. Angel came up with a vaudeville act of singing, dancing and “ribald” humor. (his word not mine.) I told the jokes and Angel acted as the straight man. And what a bit of acting that was.

THE HMS MANNLUV

As we arrived at Skull Island, the crew of the Mannluv tossed us overboard and makes us swim to shore. We made our way up the beach and were greeted by the natives of Skull Island.

THE FLOOR SHOW

After a 20 minute show a young lady, Salote Topou, informs us that one of must eat a “native” meal consisting of fried tube worms, stuffed mud eels, sautéed lizard entrails and a few other dishes. One look at Angel’s reaction and I know who is doing this challenge. Even Ralph the cameraman looks a little queasy and that man will eat anything.

MS. TOPOU

I look over the other items on the table. “ So what ate those round steaming thing?”

The young lady smiles “Those are dolphin’s nuts in coconut milk. The brown gooey stuff is boiled and mashed blood beetles and rot grubs. And of course the we have brown bread made from mealworms, tree bark and sand.”

I look at her. “And these are all foods the natives of Skull Island eat?”

She laughs “Good God No!. This is for the tourist. We have an Applebee’s and an Outback Steak house for the natives. What do you think we are, savages?”

NOT SAVAGES

“Uhh …. No. I was just asking …. Hey went you all Sepia-like just a minute ago?”

She just glares at me and points to the table.

As I chow down the “native” food, Angel and Ralph are making throw-up noise and gagging.

“Would you two shut up or go someplace else. Jeez, a guy can’t eat in peace.” I bark at them, spraying dolphin nuts on Koma in the process. Vegeta seems to be eating enough for a dozen contestants. What is wrong with that guy?

I finish up the meal, belch loudly and ask Salote Topou for our next clue.

***********

“But we have an act already. It will be great. We can do the routine from the ship.” Angel tells me while doing a soft shoe dance.

I look skeptical, “I am not so sure. I would hate to have King Kong react like the crew of the Mannluv did. That was something I was hoping to forget and never have to relive.”

“I am sure it won’t be like that” Angel says with a dreamy far-away smile. I shrug and we go off to entertain King Kong with our Vaudeville act.

We get dressed and jump out in front of King Kong, who doesn’t look like the best audience.

NOT HAPPY

“Hey Angel, Why did the banana leave town?

“I don’t know, TAK, why?”

“cuz he had to SPLIT!”

Baadaadum. Where did the rim shot come from?

“Hey Angel, I heard that cute coconut says she likes you!”

“Really TAK, Why?”

“She says you have a peel!”

Baadaadum. Kong is not looking to amused. In fact he is looking hungry.

STILL NOT HAPPY

“Uhh Angel, do you think our Banana routine is working?” I whisper

“Of coarse, What could be better then two guys in Banana suit, telling banana jokes?” Angel grins

NOT OUR BEST IDEA TO DATE

“Angel, you got rid of those bananas you were eating, right?” I ask

“No, I put them in my pockets for later, Why?”

“Because now we look like bananas and WE SMELL LIKE BANANAS!!! RUN!!!!!” I scream

We run less then 100 feet before King Kong swoops us up and pops us in his mouth. Just as we are headed down his throat, the banana suits are sucked off us, Angel’s wings pop open and Kong coughs/spits us out.

Angel manages to fly up. I hurl towards the ground, hit a palm tree, which bends and fling me thought the air. Just as I am about to hit the jungle floor, King Kong catches me. I breath a sigh of relief as Kong jumps about in joy with a deep guffawing laugh. I give him a thumbs up and he flings me at the tree again.

A half hour and 23 tree tosses later, Kong takes us over to the stage for a picture.

POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE

Angel, Ralph the Cameraman and I then make our way back to the village. I see the Medicine Man in the distance and we make our way towards his hut.

THAT'S JUST NOT RIGHT

Jon and Nightcrawler: A slow boat to Skull Island

2007-02-21T23:01:00.000-05:00

We stood there and watched the other contestants taking off. Because of the Yield, Nightcrawler and I were required to wait one hour. My partner stood quietly but I was getting antsy.

An hour isn't that long, right? Not when you're talking about a group of super powered individuals. In an hour, anything could happen with these guys. Wolverine, for instance, could probably join three or four teams in one hour.

One hour. Sixty minutes. 3600 Seconds. Finally, our Yield was over and we quickly hopped the steamer for Skull Island.

No, not that kind of a steamer.

This kind.

We arrived and the locals ushered us to our table. Spread out before us was a smorgasbord of some of the most disgusting food imaginable.

“Zat is unbelievable.” Nightcrawler stifled a gag. “Zat is just… so…”

I looked at the food.

“Yeah, I can eat it,” I said.

“Oh, it looks terrible,” Nightcrawler said.

“It’s OK, I can do this,” I replied.

“It looks sehr schlecht,” he added.

“Yeah I know,” I agreed. “Gotta do it, though.”

“So gross, so revolting.”

“I said I know,” I replied. “Did you read a thesaurus on our trip or something?”

Nightcrawler looked at me and slowly shook his head. “Good luck.”

I sat down to my meal. Someone with any less of a constitution would probably not be able to endure this food. I was, however, blessed with a cast iron stomach.

Welcome to the jungle

2007-02-20T23:49:00.001-05:00

Hmph! The whole time we were sitting on the junk, Logan was eating ribs. Damn I am starving. Where the Hell did he get those on this leaky boat? Now he has KFC? What is there a restaurant behind the rat's nests? Perhaps I do not want to know where he is getting this food. Whatever he has been taunting me with if for the last hour. Finally,we arrive on the so called "Skull Island".

The natives tell me that they have served a feast in our honor, and eating it is the first challenge. When the lizard entrails, and other good smelling food stuffs are presented I see Logan turn green.

I glare at him. " You have been eating the whole way here, this food is mine now freak!"

He grimaces. " Ya can have it bub!"

After I finish that table's food,and several others. I feel my strength return. One of the villagers exclaims " He has eaten our winter supplies!" They have winter on an island with dinosaurs? Who knew?

I find Logan behind a tree, vomiting. " What is wrong with you?" I ask.

" Ya ate fried worms, lizard, and stuffed eels, a lot of it!"

I shrug " They are not as bad as Bulma's cooking, the lizard intestine needed salt though. I have our next clue."

He stared at me for a second. "How can ya talk to these natives ?"

" Low level telepathy, now here's the next challenge." After I explain the next ones I say " Now here is what we are going to do, we are going to combine the challenges."

" Say what now?"

" We make the dinosaur fight, a show for King Kong. Even if he does not like it we will still have succeeded in a challenge."

" Sounds good ta me ."

Later after some preparations....

An announcer yells in the Skull Island stadium yells. " Welcome too the Monster fighting federation!" None of the natives actually understood him since he spoke English, but they liked the pretty lights, and the huge ring, so they cheered.

"Our main event will be the Tag team of Vegeta and Wolverine Vs Angry Dinosaurs and other surprise monsters! They can only win if the they throw each and evrey creature out of the ring!"

Good the noise has attracted King Kong, he watches intently. The Capsuletron over the stadium, blares with my entrance video.

When Logan comes out he finds I have changed, his entrance video with this.

" That ain't funny Bub!" He growls.

" You are right it is hilarious!" I look around the area, It seems our announcers are Lobo.

And the effeminate insurance commercial caveman.

"I hate these two!" The cave man whines in his microphone. " They are always drinking, and hurting people why can't we all just get along?"

Lobo stares " What are ya talking about? These two know how to make their mark in monster fighting, by being smashmouth, and not caring if people think they are "nice" Ya stupid Bastich!"

I shake my head , as the dinosaurs are herded into the ring my name is yelled over the Capsuletron, It is Bulma ,and I do not like the look on her face.

" Vegeta ! You got me drunk, and had me parade around in public on that stupid float of yours!"

I shrug " I cannot help it if your inner stripper comes out after you drink a little , besides you wanted to do it you just drank for what did you call it? 'liquid courage'"

She huffs " I don't remember that Mister! Well the producers let me rig your ring with some power draining devices, so you can't ki blast, turn super saiyan, or fly. Your going to just have your strength , and durability. Have fun ! if you win we do that thing I won't let you do. If you lose you have to finish the race in a pink outfit deal?"

I smirk. " Deal!"

Logan starts yelling " Are ya insane? Do ya really think ya can beat all O' these monsters with out your energy projection?"

" Yes." I state punching, and grabbing a stegasaurus and knocking some other dinos out of the ring. " She has turned a cake walk into an interesting challenge, I have never been more turned on by her."

Logan attacks a pterodactal that he says "reminds him of someone. "

" Ya know I think yer both nuts."

" From you Logan that is a compliment."

I toss logan at a T- Rex. Which gets Lobo excited as he yells "Fastball Special! Fastball Special!"

"Ooh I'm against that!" the caveman cries. "All us prehistoric brothers should stick together!"

" Your kiddin'!" Lobo replies. " ya don't eat dinosaurs or mammoths?"

" No I only eat tofu. "

Lobo stares in disbelief." You have got be the sissiest cave man I've ever seen!"

" You've been talking to my dad !" The cave man starts crying.

Just as I'm about to get rid of the the last of the dinosaurs more jump into the ring. But some of these are transformers, Bulma must be mad.

Less impressive, was those Voltron ripoff kids the Power Rangers in their robots.

Which combine into this thing.

The robots and a couple of dinosaurs all team on me and start stomping, last thing I see is the full moon, Full moon? Yes! Hahhahahahahahahaaha!

Logan snarls . " Dammit ! They killed Veg head! I 'll dance on his Flamin' grave after I take care O' you future boots. "Ya ain't gonna get me! I'm the best there is at..."

I bust out of the pile up of monsters , and robots in my ape form.

My voice makes the ground tremble as I speak. " Rodent shut up! if I have to hear your catch phrase one more time I'm to step on you!"

Logan's mouth gapes open. " That's you Vegeta ya turn into a giant money now ? What? Do ya make up powers as ya go along?"

" No! " I reply. " This happens when I see a full moon. I have an idea on how to win this match ."

As I concentrate on tossing more big lizards out, Logan. runs up to the power rangers robot thing. Claws a opening, and comes up through the floor of the control room. Where he punches he one ranger that attacks him in the gut.

" Next one that tries that gets these !" He spits as he shows them the claws.
" Now move over I'm drivin' this rig now."

After the giant robot does some jerky movements. It then break dances for a couple of minutes. Then starts doing ballet. I realize that Wolverine is not the best mech driver in the world.

Finally he does as I ask, and flips off the Dinobots. He charges them and they begin to tear the badly made giant robot apart. Logan jumps out And while they are distracted I push, the Dinobots and the Powerangers over the top rope ,and out of the ring. Winning the match.

" Damn " Logan sighs. " First giant monsters then, robots, If aliens with tentacles in weird places show up I'm outta here."

I laugh. " Do not worry I blew up their home planet years ago . We then watch as The Dinobots blow up the Power Rangers. " Think their dead?" Logan questions.

I shrug my massive shoulders . " Who cares?"

I see Bulma on the outside pf the stadium , and I wink at her.
After I transform back I am going to be having some fun. Because hey a deal is a deal.

The annoucers get into some fight over the fact that Lobo keeps plugging his finacial show on Faux News. So those two end up having a very short, and not very good match after ours. the cave man's next of kin will soon be contacted to pick up his remains.

Seems King Kong liked the show and was very eager to have his picture taken. He even went into some fake battle poses with us.

Pictures taken by SHI.

Or he wants to punch Logan not that I blame him evreyone wants to hit Wolverine.
So we get the next clue, and I fly us towards the hovel 100 yards away I can see the faces of the natives. Their looks are priceless you'd think they'd never have seen a flying giant ape before.

Jon and Nightcrawler: How did I get myself into this mess?

2007-02-20T08:41:00.000-05:00

As the massive ape reached down and clutched me in his gigantic paw, I wondered just how this series of events led me to this fate.

It all started back in Japan and the Yield...

(Cue flashback)

A meeting in the morning

2007-02-20T08:27:00.000-05:00

The phone rings.
"This better be good." I grumble. Its 5am Race Day. Normally I don't need much sleep but last nights private party with Goldy took a lot out of me, and her.
"Koma we gotta talk now." It was Cal. "Meet me at my room." He didn't wait for a reply he just hung up.

I get over there and I notice his room is untouched.
'Is he seeing Paula?' I wonder.'If so she really is the town bicycle.'
"You like this place its great. They made it to fit me. Even the shower, you gotta see it." He winks at me.
"Cal if you've woken me so you can show me the fixtures..." I begin.
"C'mon it needs to be seen to be believed." He urges and winks again.
"Ok." I sigh. I just hope this isn't Cal regressing, or worse.
He shows me the shower and it is made for the super-sized mutant.
"Now look at the pressure." he says and turns on the tap. (Oops! thats faucet for you Americans.)
The water roars out of the shower head.
"Now we can talk without anyone listening." he says relieved.
"Pardon?" I ask.
"You know if anyone has listening devices in the hotel they wont hear us over the noise of the water." explains Cal.
"If you wanted to talk somewhere private why didn't you tell me." I reply.
-!Voip!-
"Cause I didn't want.." Cal stops. He looks around. "We're in you lair aren't we?"
"Yes but I call it my workshop." I answer.
"Dude you ride a sleigh on christmas eve. I dont't think so. This is a lair." he replies.
I ignore the Santa quip and get to business.
It seems Cal is intrested in finding out who is behind the Robo-Bea's. I tell him about me call from Nick Fury.
"So some chick who you used to date went bad, gay and then tried to kill you. Has escaped from SHIELD." Cal summed up. "Also at the same time some LMD's were stolen and she's sent them to kill you."
"Yes." I reply. "Her name is Julia Kerrick, she was my assistant at ASIO. SHIELD hired her to watch me, but she had other plans."
"Ok that explains the wanting to kill you. But why are they always Bea Arthur?" asks Cal.
"Oh that. Well its a default setting for all LMD's. You need a passkey to activate their body morphing. Kerrick doesn't have the skills to hack the passkey." I explain.
"So what does Kerrick look like?" asks Cal.
"She's blonde, blue eyed. 5'10. Around 55kg." I answer.
"Umm Koma those dimensions fit Goldy." points out Cal.
**** Click here to read of Kerricks capture by Koma ****

Bwhahahahahahaha!

2007-02-18T22:48:00.000-05:00

I just received an e-mail from my one time mentor Dr. Doom.

He's very happy that I won the last leg. However he is disappointed that I have been playing by the rules and haven't been cheating.

Cal is really happy that we finally won a leg. Yes thats right I don't remember winning a leg but I do remember coming second to Tak once. He then gave me and Cal the yield.

Goldy (who is now my media liaison manager) arranged a private party.
I'm not going into details. Koma does not kiss and tell.

But there are some details I will go into.

Here's some interesting photo's of Tak.

Hmmm! is that Beat it he's dancing to

I must thank the editing crew for this one.

Who knew clones needed a high fiber diet.

Ok with those photo's displayed for the world to see I know have to nominate who the YIELD goes to.

See how you like it

Jon and Nightcrawler: Meanwhile, at the Pitstop

2007-02-18T21:47:00.000-05:00

Nightcrawler and I were in the Hilton sharing a drink with some of the contestants.

“Say, where's Tak?” I asked Nightcrawler. “I wanted to buy him a beer.”

“I don't know. I haven’t seen him since we got in,” the fuzzy mutant replied. “Maybe someone else saw him.”

“I guess I’ll ask around.” We stepped over towards Vegata and Wolverine, but they were in the middle of some sort of competition involving downing beers and punching each other. We decided to leave them to their contest.

“Hey Gyrobo.” I got the clown robot hybrid’s attention. “Have you seen AOC?”

“How dare you insult me with your dalliance!” He replied angrily. “I should strike you once again with William Howard Taft’s toupee!”

“Zat seemed out of character for him,” Nightcrawler said as we stepped away.

“I think everything Gyrobo says is out of character for him,” I answered. “Hey, there’s Beast and Noel. We can ask them.”

“Zey also seem busy,” Nightcrawler said. “It looks like they want to be alone.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right. You could cut that sexual tension with a knife.”

“Ja. Zis is odd. Everyone else is here, but AOC doesn’t seem to be anywhere at all.”

“Yeah, I guess that I’ll just have to drink his….” I stopped and looked at a television over the bar. It was showing a Japanese wrestling program.

“Vhat zis?”

“Pro wrestling’s very popular in Japan,” I said. “I’m not sure which fed this is though.”

“Aren’t those Americans?” Nightcrawler looked up at the well-oiled grapplers on the screen.

“Yeah, wrestlers from the states often come here to compete. Looks like they’re talking about someone new debuting.”

Watch the debut here.

Or watch the long version here.

“Wow.” I was stunned. “I can’t believe that just happened.

“So much for AOC’s pro wrestling debut,” Nightcrawler shook his head.

The Eigth Leg of the Race

2007-02-18T20:19:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the eighth leg of the Amazing Mutant Race 3. Last week we saw our six teams travel to Japan where they had to participate in a local fertility festival. Despite the hard challenge, Captain Koma and Caliban managed to pull out a victory, their first win in this competition.

As the winners, they get to choose one other team to Yield. A Yield forces that team to delay their start time by one hour. Koma and Caliban must select the picture of the person they wish to Yield and place it on the board.

In a dramatic finish, the last team to reach the finish, Vegeta and Wolverine were actually spared elimination as Gyrobo and Gambit incurred a time penalty. That penalty delayed them enough that the other teams were able to reach the Pit Stop before them making Gyrobo and Gambit the last team to arrive. As always, the last team to arrive is eliminated.

This leg of the race starts in Nagoya, Japan. From there the teams will catch junk steamers that will sail them to a remote island shrouded in thick clouds of fog. The locals call it – Skull Island.

Hungry yet? On the island, the teams will find that the natives have prepared a feast in the honor. This is where our racers will face their Roadblock for this leg of the race. A Roadblock is a challenge only one member of a team may perform.

The six buffet tables will be packed high with a wide variety of local cuisine. Delicacies include such things as fried tube worms, stuffed mud eels and sautéed lizard entrails. The racer selected must finish off all the food on his or her table.

Once the Roadblock is complete, the teams will then receive their Detour. A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. Teams must successfully complete one of the tasks described on the clue. In this Detour, the teams must choose between King Kong or King of the Jungle.

In King Kong, the teams must face the giant gorilla, King Kong. The racers will have to devise an entertainment that will mollify the great ape. Once Kong is won over, the racers will have to coax him onto the large reinforced viewing stand so they can have their pictures taken with the monster.

In King of the Jungle, the teams must fight and defeat a hoard of various pre-historic creatures that inhabit the island. Dinosaurs of all types, known and unknown, roam freely posing a constant danger to the natives.

Once the Detour has been accomplished, the teams must then make their way to the hovel of the village’s medicine man, which is the Pit Stop for this leg of the race.

Pit Stop

2007-02-18T19:43:00.000-05:00

Once again, another long week rewarded by piles of epic talent-less crap. And this time we had to deal with very literal interpretations of the rules by some of the contestants, an interesting change from norm of them pretending that they aren’t any rules. So let’s get on with it all and recap this week’s action.

AOC & Angel: You started off well, offering a variety of prayers. Then it came down to your shrine building. AOC’s attempt was crap. And while Angel’s was much better, there was still a small issue. The only beings on this planet who can use the wretched thing are the two tiny Mothra priestesses. I bet they’ll have fun hanging out with the micro midget ancestral ghosts.

Jon & Nightcrawler: You started off well, despite using a language for your prayer that’s been dead for well over 1000 years. Dr. Cox does indeed rule. But then came your shrine. While I could tolerate team Double A’s interpretation of the challenge, I can’t even begin to fathom what went through your head when you dumped your pile of rubbish out to be judged. I’ve spent some time trying to figure out what you were thinking and have two possible conclusions. It was either a shrine to your achievements/ego or you were simply proving that Americans has piss poor artistic appreciation. The only dead ancestors it could possibly honor are those of Jerry Springer guests.

Koma & Caliban: The prayer was lacking in any depth, profound insight or quality, but it did contain a rousing sentiment for the men of the audience. Your float, however, was disturbing. Anna Nicole, while fertile, probably scared as many men as she seduced. But it qualified and at least you didn’t ask your significant other to tart it up on the float…

Vegeta & Logan: We never did hear what your prayer was that apparently received Japanese approval. Perhaps we need a rule that family members, significant others and whatever other bizarre relations you have can’t show up and do the challenge for you. Through the duration of this contest, the parts of Bulma we haven’t seen amount to a few square inches. Even Anna Nicole on Koma’s float was wearing more clothing.

Gyrobo & Gambit: “A monk asked DonghanShouchu "What is Buddha?" Dongshan said, "Three pounds of flax". You’ve finally found your place with Koan, a bunch of unanswerable questions with moronic responses.

Noel & Beast: You did well with your Shrine. Your prayer could have been a bit more tailored to the Shinto crowd. And once again I must say, I’m surprised that you were the least uncomfortable with the challenge.

I must admit, when Xavier announced this leg of the race, I was expecting some creative and original interpretations of the theme. But I suppose all the boys saw were a bunch of plonkers and they froze. Here are some thoughts one could have used in a fertility float. Birds & bees (yes, it’s a bit western, but it works), rabbits, pregnant ladies, a bunch of babies. I came up with all of that in under a minute. You all are more prudish than a bunch of old Japanese people.

The first to make it to the pit stop this week was Koma and Caliban. Mazel Tov! After them came AOC & Angel. And last place was incredibly close this time. While Jon IG may have badgered the old priest into a blessing, Jon ‘if it ain’t PG, it ain’t for me’ IG’s monument to himself earned him a time penalty. It had nothing to do with honoring the ancestors of this place. Noel and Beast came in after Jon. Then Gyrobo and Gambit crossed the line. Vegeta and Logan followed, apparently losing some time while waiting for their ladies to get dressed.

While Vegeta and Logan did come in seconds after Gyrobo, they aren’t the ones leaving. Gyrobo and Gambit received a time penalty for not getting 5 Amens, hell yeahs, or mmmhmmms as well as a penalty for their float. Koan is part of Chan Buddhism. Buddhism and Shinto are not the same religion. While Shinto has been influenced by Buddhism, it is a separate religion. A blessing by a priestess from the wrong religion isn’t acceptable. Just like a Franciscan Friar at a bris isn’t kosher, your Buddhist float for the Shinto festival doesn’t fly.

Cheers!
Simon

Act VII, Scene III

2007-02-17T19:42:00.000-05:00

Thinking Outside The Box That Isn’t There

“We could always build a float of a shrine. Dat’s killing two birds wit one stone.”

I stared at Gambit. “That’s the most intelligent thing I’ve ever heard you say!”

He shrugged. “I’m a stoic.”

“But it’s a terrible idea, you fool! We’ll make a float, and you’ll like it, or I’ll throw you in irons!”

“What the...?!” al Zabar choked. He was reviewing the latest expense report. “You’ve exceeded our annual hosting budget thingy in less than a day. You just checked in! How did you spend over ¥2.000.000?!”

“On only the finest goods this continent can muster,” I laughed, running my hand through the wine we’d filled our room’s bathtub with. “It’s all for brainstorming.”

“My agency can’t, you know, afford this kind of thing right now.” He twisted his tie, trying to fill himself with calmness. It wasn’t working.

“You must live before you can die,” I said while taking a bite of a perfectly seasoned meatball. I’d ordered ten heroes and thrown the bread away, content to just eat a single bite from a single meatball. Oh, why stop at just one? Digging in with the fork, I twisted a sizable chunk of ground-up meat and popped it into my mouth. Mana From Heaven!

“Yeah, the money that was going to build your floats and shrines is, you know, gone now.”

“Curse your poor accounting, Kyle!” I waved the fork angrily in his direction. “You’ve went and ruined a good meal with your logic!”

“Get the fork out of my face.” He batted my forking hand, throwing me off balance and into AMOK. As the tiny metallic spears scratched his polished chassis, AMOK’s gears starting whirring uncontrollably.

“I AM AMOK! I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU!”

The plastic eggs visible within AMOK’s chest plate rattled around, and there was a loud CLUNK. A white-hot ball of oblong flame shot out his egg tray, vaporizing al Zabar as it touched his trenchcoat.

“Oh my God, he killed Kyle!”

“Zut alors!”

“It was a reflex,” AMOK asserted. “I would never harm a human intentionally before the conquest of your planet... which would never happen,” he added quickly, averting his digital eyes.

Gambit picked al Zabar’s clipboard from the pile of dust he (Kyle, not Gambit) had become. The little plus and minus signs were like candy to him. As he scanned the pages, his eyes started dancing with the agility of a samurai who fancied himself a ninja.

“I know how we can win dis!”

***

“When you see what we’ve got under that tent, it’s gonna knock yer socks off!” I yelled at the monk next to me, hoping he could hear me over the cheering crowd. Ha! My prophesy was already fulfilling itself, he was totally barefoot!

Our float stopped, and Gambit and I each grabbed one end of the tarp, and heaved it over. The people gasped as they saw... nothing.

“Your float has been stolen,” the senior ranking member of the honorable review committee whispered, “we should alert the police.”

“Fear not, noble quizzmaster! Nothing has been stolen!” I stood atop the empty platform and addressed the crowd with my best Orson Wells-type oratory voice. “This float is a symbol of the unseen forces that work even now to bring you fertility and good fortune. Can you see love? Can you, man?!”

AMOK translated for me, using his never-before-mentioned universal translator. The reviewer grunted. “No, but I can ‘see’ a cheap fool trying trick us with an empty cart.”

The words hurt almost as bad as my bear mace would when I-

“STOP!”

Kowai Junpuu made her way through her reverent flock. She knelt beside the empty cart.

“Have you come to ask me to rebuke my earlier statements on global warming? ’Cause I ain’t doin’ that, sister. I got principles.”

“Your float exemplifies the true spirit of the Kōan. It is a fitting tribute to our village, a simple reminder that we don’t need fabrics or materiél to honor our ancestors.”

“That’s what we’ve been trying to tell you!”

She placed her palms upon the balmy wood and without qualm recited some psalm. “In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, I bless this shrine for Shinto!”

“An anachronism, but I’ll take it!”

Dumping a heavy load of cargo onto AMOK’s new enhanced luggage handling grapplers, I said “sayounara” to a befuddled review committee whose members were so backwards they didn’t even understand the basic underpinnings of the whole Zen thing. Barbarous Klingons!

We made our way unimpeded to the local train depot, and as AMOK radioed ahead to rustle us up a taxi, I could only stop to think about all the things I’d learned of this region: the friends I’d made, the friends I’d accidentally indirectly incinerated, the blasphemies I’d orchestrated.

Things that would persuade the kingdoms of Aragon and Castille to unite under a single banner and send thousands of conquistadors to seize these islands for the good of the Spanish Empire, before the Portuguese became entrenched in the Pacific.

Act VII, Scene II

2007-02-17T17:48:00.000-05:00

Blame The Game, Not The Prayer

There was no parade. No gathering of peasantry to welcome us, no enclave of scholars waiting to dictate our supreme knowledge, no robots to scatter rose petals before our feet as we walked.

Aye, but the buildings- they towered up to the heavens, enchanted obelisks of glass and wire! Some must surely have pierced the hearts of clouds. I felt like dropping to my knees inside the closest building and thanking the Almighty for delivering us to this magical place; but a McDonald’s was entirely the wrong place for that kind of thing.

“Would either of you like some complementary fruit basket things?”

A man in his mid-30s strolled up to us with AMOK by his side, obviously our arranged host for the duration of our stay in the Orient. AMOK didn’t just bring back drifters and rapscallions, he brought back results.

“Are dere pineapples?” Gambit reached out to shake the man’s hand, and I made a mental note to have him court-martialed for asking such a trivial question during a diplomatic introduction. We may know little of the Eastern etiquette employed here, but by Balboa’s blood he would pay dearly for this minor transgression.

“No, but there are several pineapple-like thingies that are, you know, indigenous to Japan,” the man said, shaking Gambit’s hand and reaching for mine. I clasped his forearm and shook readily, so that he may be competent of my strength of character. “But you might want to just go to Tagata Jinja and lead their prayer, you know, so you can move on with your, you know, thing.”

“All in good time, signor. Tell us of yourself, of how did you come to the Orient?” I turned that last statement into a question with the most covert upwards inflection I could muster.

He blinked. “Well, um... my name’s Kyle al Zabar, and until three years ago I was the goodwill ambassador to Norway, acting on behalf of Microstan, my native country-”

“That’s not a real country.”

“-but then I fell in love with Japanese culture, and have been, you know, acting as a go-between for American tourist agencies and Japanese commercial... interests...”

Though as a subordinate it was shameful for Gambit to falter during the introductions, I as a nobleman was free to openly mock our host by noiselessly flapping my lips while he spoke. “Show us this ‘temple.’”

***

What abomination was this?!

“Konichiwa,” the woman fluttered, bowing before my expedition. We bowed in turn, except for AMOK who had no spine and was the frequent target of jokes regarding his “spinelessness.”

“This is the head priestess during the festival thing, the Hōnen Matsuri,” Kyle blurted hastily. “Kowai Junpuu.”

I frowned, never for one second removing my hand from my concealed can of bear mace. This temple had no loudspeakers, no transparent Plexiglas ceiling panels, no souvenir booth or gift shop... it was like another country.

“Mister al Zabar tells us you would like the honor to lead us in prayer,” the priestess said in heavily accented English. What kind of a God would give these people an alphabet devoid of the glorious letter “L,” the epitome of perpendicular greatness?

“Mister al Zabar has soapy hands,” I smirked, hoping that by denigrating a senior diplomat I would ingratiate myself with the she-shaman. “Now stand aside, y’all! I’m about to bust open a bottle of religiosity!”

Accepting the ceremonial robes from Priestess Kowai as forcefully and graciously as I could, I stormed peacefully up to the pulpit with a carefully rehearsed speech to lay on the festival goers spontaneously. They failed to maintain a respectful silence as I straightened my reading glasses, stirring doubt in my gullet that they’d ever accept me as readily as they had Polo.

“I speak now for you, so that you won’t have to do anything yourselves.”

A temple adjutant translated my message, and I continued.

“Scientists have been covering up the fact that the Earth has been moving closer and closer to the sun,” I declared, holding up a folder full of blank paper. “In this folder is proof that ‘global warming’ is just a ruse by your government to distract you all from your eventual, inevitable, and fiery death in the belly of the sun that adorns your nation’s flag.”

I chucked the folder into a temple pyre behind the pulpit, and clutched the sides of the lectern fiercely. “But I pray now to the ancestors of this island, bless the people of this village with a swift and painless death, that they expire long before sunspots lick the surface of the Earth, incinerating all life! Thank you.”

Leaving the lectern before someone said “amen” would’ve violated the terms of the challenge, so I waited patiently, hoping someone would get the hint to applaud me as I pointed at my watch and grunted. After about three minutes of total silence, I took a deep breath and waved to a sweaty guy in sweatpants and a sweatshirt.

“You there!” He raised his eyebrows and pointed to himself. “Yes, you! What’s the plural of ‘man’ in English?”

“Ah... men?”

“SCORE!” I skipped down from the pulpit to high-five Gambit, but he and Kyle and Junpuu were all standing there, mouths open, staring at me in horror like I’d grown a third head. I’ve seen people act like this before.

My hand went directly for the mace.

Noel & Beast: The Fertility Festival

2007-02-17T02:44:00.000-05:00

Warning: Some pictures are kid unsafe. Thought I be nice and warn before hand.

After Thor had dropped us off in Komaki, Japan, we were shocked at what we seen. Every where we turned we seen people dressed up in costumes:

Masks:

Then we seen this:

We had no idea what was going on, so we just decided to look for the Tagata Jinja temple.

It did take long to find it and once we did we got some answers as to what is going on around here. Apparently it is the annual Fertility Festival. That would explain a lot. It would also explain why this temple is filled with sculptures of certain male body parts.

All I can say is wow.

We get to our roadblock and find out one of us has to hold a prayer ceremony using an original prayer. I volunteer to do this one, I'm good at public speaking.

I decided to write a small prayer dealing with the whole fertility issue. I jot down a few notes, dress up in the traditional priest robes, including mask and step out in front of the crowd.

And I start my prayer.

On your bed at night, you sought the one your hearts ached for; you sought, but did not find, that one.
How lovely the child would be, so you imagine, how lovely!
Every part of your child would be fair; no blemish would mar it’s coming.
Who is the one that shines through like the dawn,
Beautiful as the moon,
radiant as the sun,
awesome as hosts draped in their colors?
Who is the one that your hearts wait for, wait for, as the watchman for the morning light?
In You, God, our ancestors trusted,
In You they trusted, and You answered them.
Trust in God, for God's goodness is never-ending; God's mercy is without bounds.
Trust in God, for God is our help and our shield.
May the God who made heaven and earth, hear your plea and grant you a child.

The crowd cheers and applauds yelling out words in their native language. The man next to me nods and gives me the paper holding our Detour instructions.

Hank and I decided to do the shrine. Seems easy enough and I already have an idea, the hard part is going to find a place to set it up. As we search for a spot we run straight in the heart of the festival.

This man just seems to happy to me. I wonder....

So does this lady.

And what in the world are these two doing?

And we see this guy again.

A man was selling these on the street. I did buy one, going to have fun later tonight teasing Hank..... hehehe.

We finally find a small section of land and start to build.

Here's our fertility shrine, completed.

I just know we will be blessed. I mean these sculptures are know as the symbol of fertility. So why won't we.

While we wait to be blessed the parade starts:

These are only a few floats in the parade.

Shortly after the parade is done, the head Shinto Priest makes his rounds and we were blessed. Now on to the Pit stop...... and to an exciting night with Hank.

hehehe.

Jon and Nightcrawler and the fine shrine

2007-02-16T23:48:00.000-05:00

With the ceremonies under way, Reverend Tanaka led us to our next challenge.

“You have two choices,” he said as his arm candy stood next to him. “Choose wisely.”

“A float or a shrine?” Nightcrawler mused. “Float or shrine?”

“I have an idea,” I said. “In fact, I think that I have…”

“Vhat is it?” he asked.

“Time is of the essence, chum,” I answered. “I’ll explain along the way.”

Quickly, we gathered together items needed for this task. We started with the wood, building the basic framework for the shrine. We then (very neatly) stacked the other items, creating a beautiful shrine.

“What the hell is this?” Tanaka asked.

“It’s a shrine,” I beamed. “All of these items are of great significance. They invoke a very deep meaning.”

“A what?” he guffawed. “This is a load of junk. It looks like you just unloaded a nunch of crap from the back of a moving van.”

“Or space ship,” Nightcrawler chuckled quietly.

“Hush,” I said.

“This garbage does not pass,” Tanaka said angrily. “I cannot believe that you would insult my heritage so crassly! I would make you do this again but I am afraid that you would make something far uglier and far more distasteful.”

“No, see let me explain,” I said. “You see—,”

“I do not want to hear it!” he interrupted. “In all of my days, I cannot believe that—,”

“Hey grandfather, great ceremony, huh?” a young lad ran up to Reverend Tanaka. “Whoa! What’s all this cool stuff?”

“That is a mess,” he replied.

“This is our shrine,” Nightcrawler quickly added. “Do you like it?”

“Yeah! What’s that comic book there?”

“That is a very rare four color reprint chronicling the adventures of one of Ithor’s greatest heroes.”

“Ithor?” the boy asked.

“Yeah.” I leaned forward and got a little bit quieter. “It’s actually from another galaxy.”

“Really? That’s so cool.”

“Say,” I paused for a moment. “You want the comic?”

“Boy would I! Can I, grandfather? Can I have it?”

“Oh I don’t know,” Tanaka answered.

“Please, please grandfather?”

“Let ze nice boy have it,” Nightcrawler urged.

“Very well,” the reverend conceded.

The kid cheered and grabbed the comic.

“Wait wait,” I said. “Before he takes it, would you be so kind as to bless this shrine?”

“I knew this was coming. I cannot bless this atrocity.”

“Aw come one,” I said. “Do it for the kid.”

“Please, grandfather?”

“Oh, very well,” he grumbled. He then raised his hand and blessed the shrine in his native tongue.

“Vhy is your hand like zat?” my mutant teammate asked. “Are you OK?”

“Yes, yes, just a bit of arthritis,” he answered. “Now just get out of here.”

With our task completed, we quickly ran for the Pit Stop.

“Vow, I quite surprised at our behavior here in Japan,” Nightcrawler said as we ran. “Could ve be any more offensive?”

“I suppose,” I said. “Maybe we could say penis a bunch of times.”

Act VII, Scene I

2007-02-16T21:47:00.000-05:00

The Cipango Expedition

“Sir, you forget yourself!” I bellowed, slapping Thor across the face. “I have dutifully studied the works of Marco Polo; my knowledge of the Orient exceeds yours thusly!”

I thrust my hand up in the air, indicating the length by which my expertise surpassed his. It wasn’t a true measure of my brilliance, as he was three feet taller than myself. But as a subject of His Majesty the King of Aragon, it had long been expected that I maintain an understanding of languages for future visits to the Orient. And like a moth in a paper mill, I had learned all I could of both Hebrew and Latin, the womb from which all languages sprang. Greek is for fishermen.

“Cabin boy!”

Gambit slunk up the ramp, hauling a suitcase behind him. For now, he was an uncivilized lump of clay. But after opening trade with the lands of Cipango and Cathay, monarchs throughout Europe would shower us with trinkets and sweet promises of titles of nobility (I would preserve the latter for myself, giving Gambit only some of the former). I would sculpt him into the very model of excellence, then toss him into a blast furnace until he was completely glazed. Then I’d put him on display at my personal library, to be constructed ten years from now.

“We’re all stocked up on supplies,” he winced, centering the baggage over the large bull’s eye painted on top of the rainbow blacktop. AMOK whizzed up the ramp quickly, unburdened by our material needs. Oh, to be a mechanical man, with no want of food, nor of sleep.

“Very well. Goði Thor, I bid you transport us immediately!” I reached for my bear mace, but he was too quick this time.

His reflexes had sharpened since last I sprayed his eyes with mace, and before the can was even out of its holster, we were standing a thousand miles away, in a nation I’d read about only in my dreams.

Cipango.

Back too Japan .....Great.

2007-02-16T01:32:00.000-05:00

Logan's been all angry, since I tore him into two pieces.

Hmph! He knitted back together, and hopefully the Rodent will know better than to ever attack me again. Hmph! He's not smart enough to figure out he cannot ever defeat me.

So he's been using Mel, as a punching bag. And any Asgardian or race contestant that gets close enough. Finally I think Thor has had enough, and teleports us to Japan.

" Oh good!"I shout "Here !"

" What ya gotta problem wit' Japan now?"

" Well yes , ever since that clown Kakarot, made that deal with that anime company , I get mobbed every time I come here! Unlike West City where people have learned to keep their distance!"

Someone met up with us, and told us we must race to the local Shinto temple, for our road block. Fine I flew us there. Now it turns one of us has too Lead a fertility prayer.

Bah! As the many children I have can attest I have to much fertility, So I let Logan take this one.

He goes in like that but comes out like this.

Then we all listen as Logan recites the dirtiest prayer I have ever heard, and I have been on the Hedonism Planet .

So While he's doing that I get a beer out of a vending machine, and I'm asked for 12 autographs ! When I see my self?

" Hi DNA buddy !" He, I shouts creepily. Actually the term DNA buddy is creepy on it's own but I digress. " I'm so glad to see you here! "

" Imposter !" I challenge, crushing my beer can. "Are you the one in those pictures with Paula Abdrool!? "

" Why yes! I am. I'm a clone Tony Stark made of you . During the Civil War!"

"Oh that's just perfect." I think to myself.

He keeps on rambiling. " I was made to fight, but I don't like to fight I like to love ! Like I did to Nicole Ritchie, Brittany Spears, Nikki Hilton, Christina Agulara!..."

Damn! He's a walking STD incubator.

" And when I saw you in the race I decided to use my love skills to help you out in the race by sleeping with the judge!"

" You know" I start afraid of the answer I was going to get ." There are other judges besides Paula."

"Oh! I was getting to other ones!"

And that was what I was afraid he was going to say. After almost vomiting I shout. "Freak! You have gotten me in trouble with my wife over this!"

He smiles that disturbing smile of his. " Well we can fix that! She should love two Vegetas!"

I sneer. " Tell me. Have you ever heard the saying ' there can be only one?' " Before he can say anything I blast him leaving only his head. Which I left on a spike in front of Stark Enterprises, Tokyo Office. As I fly back I can't help but think. " What a waste.... That was a tasty beer."

When I return to Komaki I find Logan. Who wants to do the Float challenge, And after we both drank as many vending machine beers as our money could get us we came up with this.

Since this is a fertility challenge the first half of the float Logan, gets a lap dance from Shi. ( who I bet is drunk since she agreed to this.)
On the first part of the float,

And this was my idea.

Scantily clad Bulma , and Android 18 doing suggestive poses a rotating bed, Do I care if 18's husband Krillian sees this ? No. So we get the next clue, not sure if they liked the float , or just wanted to be rid of us.

Jon and Nightcrawler: At the Shinto Par-tay

2007-02-15T22:44:00.000-05:00

“Thou hast bested four storm giants in the field of battle as well as yon warrior Volstagg on the drinking table,” the Mighty Thor grinned. “Verily thou hast declared thineselves warriors true.”

“Velien dank,” Nightcrawler said.

“Yes, thanks Thor,” I added. “Thanks for the compliment.”

“Yes verily Odinson feels thine physical prowess is a gift from Odin himself,” the Thunder God continued. “By my troth, thou art possessors of mad skills divine.”

“Ja, thanks,” Nightcrawler said.

“Yeah… thanks,” I added.

“By the enchanted uru hammer, I shall now take thee back to Midgard!” Once again, Thor guided us to the rainbow bridge back to Earth. We “landed” in Japan and our next challenge.

“Hello, welcome to our festival,” an older man bowed to us. Self consciously, we bowed back.

“Pleased to meet you,” I replied. “I am Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and this is Nightcrawler.”

“I am Rverend Tanaka and this is my companion and arm candy. Are you ready for the challenge?” the man asked. “All the people here are ready to start.”

“I think this is more your speed,” I said to my mutant teammate. “You are a man of the cloth.”

“Ja, but I this is not my religion.” Nightcrawler pointed to the festival goers. “I don’t think zat I know what I should say.”

“Just say something,” I said. “Oh yeah, you gotta put on the traditional garbs, too.”

Nightcrawler stood in front of the crowd and raised his hands. “Carus secui goers , nos convenio hodie ut silicis ferreus quod porro procul is ubertas solemnitas. Nos mos vinum quod epulor quod addo is totus down. Nos mos secui amo is est 1999. Medicus Cox sceptrum. Can ego adepto an amen?”

Silence.

The crowd looked at him.

I looked at him.

“Uh, can I get an amen?”

The crowd looked around and shrugged at one another.

“Amen,” they said.

Thanks for the Mammaries

2007-02-15T19:05:00.000-05:00

Before we line up Chuck comes and pulls us aside. There's this guy with him and he's got a camera.
"This is Brad." introduces Chuck. "He's your new camera-man. The same rules apply as before you can't speak to the camera person unless you have to." With that Chuck rolls away.
There's an awkward silence as Brad nervously waits for something.
"Hi Brad I'm Caliban. Welcome to Team Koma." says Cal who puts his hand out to be shaken.
"Thanks its great to be on board." answers Brad shaking Cals hand enthusiasticly. Brad then turns to me.
I ignore him.
"Team Koma to the Rainbow Bridge. You leave in one minute." calls one of the production crew.

Goldylocks is there and again, he ignores me.
"Caliban my heart is happy to see thee not having a child's mind." greets Thor.
"Yeah but it'd never have happened if I didn't do this race with Koma." replies Cal.
"How you cooperate with this villain astoundeth me." says Thor.
"Well Koma's not a villain, not really. He just follows his own rules." Cal replies defending me.

After thats done Thor does his thing with his hammer and before you can say Beta Ray Bill we're back on earth.

"Welcome to Komaki, Japan. I'm Mark Hammil your host for this leg of the Amazing Mutant Race 3." says the ever youthful Hammil.
"Mark Hammil. Dude what are you doing here?" asks Cal.
"Why do we have a guide?" I grumble.
"Well I was appointed as your guide through the wonderfull Honen Matsuri..."
"Harvest Festival, Shinto thing if I'm right." I interrupt playing the smart arse.
"Correct Koma." replies Hammil. "Have you been to Japan before?"
"Yeah, but I never got out of Osaka." I answer.
"Well your in for a treat the Honen Matsuri is an amazing festival." Hammil was going to continue so I stopped him.
"Save the tourist shit for the voice over Hammil, and give us the damn Roadblock." I demand.
"Well really I'd heard you were an ass. Looks like its true. Hope you lose." He gives me the roadblock and leaves.
"I love you doing the Joker." calls out Cal.
"Leave it Cal the little old mans gone." I tell him.
"Koma I know your pissed off but I like him. He does the best Joker." protests Cal.
"Hey if you like him that much why don't you marry him." I snap back.
Cal grabs me one handed and lifts me off the ground bringing us face to face.
"KOMA DON'T GIVE ME THIS CRAP. GOLDY'S NOT HERE. GET OVER IT." he shouts in my face. Puts me down suddenly and grabs the roadblock from me and reads it.
"Well one of us has to get dressed up and come up with an original prayer at some Shinto Temple." informs Cal."And since YOU chased off our only guide we have to find this Tagata Jinja by ourselves."
"Hang on." I reply. "This is a big festival and if my memory serves me correct they carry a huge penis from one temple to another."
"So all we have to do is follow the guys with the big penis?" asks Cal. Just a bit self conscious of what he just said.
"As awkward as that sounds to any heterosexual man. Yes, we follow the crowd of men carrying a big penis." I try not to smirk. And then a chuckle escapes from Brad.
"Guys...Big penis...in Japan." He chuckles.
"Brad thats just racist." I reply.
"But it is funny Koma." replies Cal.
"Yeah." I agree. And we all break into laughter.
As I said there were a lot of guys with an enormous wooden penis. Oh and there was barrels of Sake. Which obviously helped to dull the homophobia that most men get in this kind of situation.
Getting to the Shrine the Priests look at Cal and are very happy. Before either of us can nominate which one is dressing up they grab Cal and lead him into a small room.
When he comes out I try not to laugh.
"Even when before I got my mind back I'd still think this was embarrassing." he complained.
"So do you have an original prayer?" I ask.
"No. I was kinda hoping you might...you know have one ready." asks Cal.
"Who's the evil genius." I reply and give him a folded piece of paper.
"You are." He answers. Cal is then ushered to where he's supposed to pray.
"I pray for the people of Japan. That the bounty of the land and of the sea that is justly theirs will be plentiful. That they will smash the Americans at Baseball. That their women will only get more sexy and that the Sake will flow like rivers. Two Geisha's for every guy. Banzai!"
"BANZAI!" The drunk crowd all shout as one.
Well that worked. Cal gets the Detour given to him by the priest and comes over to me.
"I got a bit worried around the beating us at baseball. But it sure worked." thanked Cal.
"Yes." I reply. "Appeal to the lowest common denominator and drunk men will always approve."
Cal reads the detour.
"The Detour involves making one of two things." begins Cal when from nowhere he's interrupted by.
"Yes your right Caliban the next challenges are called: To be, and Or not to be." announces Mark Hammils voice from somewhere.
"Hammil this isn't funny." I spit.
"I think its a stroke of genius." replies the little man. "Now In To be, teams must design an appropriate float to celebrate the spirit of fertility and march it through the parade. At the end, the review committee will rate the entries. The teams must receive at least 6 out of 10 points for promoting the theme of the festival."
I search for the source of the voice over. Its above me. I look up and see 3 speakers hovering above us.
"In Not to be..." continues Hammil. But I stop him by shooting at the speakers with my blaster.

I hit one of them.

"Hey Koma nice shot." Teases Hammil. "But Sony gave 20 of these flying speakers to CBS so they could keep you in check. I hope you can shoot them all and not loose this leg of the race."
"Hammil you bastard." I shout. I shoot down the remaining two.
"Koma he's right if you let him get to you like that we wont win at all." advises Cal.
"Your right. But after this leg if I see the little freak I'm gonna kick his ass." I fume.

Cal decides Shrines are too creepy for him so we do the Float.
"So we have to celebrate the spirit of fertility. What the hells that?" questions Cal.
"Well in some cultures it's got to do with the cycle of the season." Explains Brad. "Winter, death. Spring, rebirth and new life."
"Arts and Culture degree huh Brad." I say.
"Yeah. Why do you think I'm a cameraman." he complains.
"But sex and big penises is what this festivals about. So shouldn't we do something about that?" Questions Cal.
"I am not doing a big penis float Cal." I protest.
"Who said anything about doing something male." says the disembodied voice of Mark Hammil from a new flying speaker.
"Ugh! want to taste blaster Hammil?" I ask reaching for the weapon.
"Koma Marks right." agrees Cal."I told you he was cool."
"Your off the hook for now Hammil." I warn

So we finish the float and we get a lot of ooos and ahhhs.
Then we pass by the drunk guys from the Temple. They start hooting and hollering.

"Just what is this float about." asks one of the Parade Judges.
"Its a tribute to a goddess of fertility." replies Cal smiling.
"Good. Just one more question." asks the Judge. "You're Captain Koma right?"
"Yeah." I reply knowing whats coming.
"How much for one of those Anna-Nicole Smith synthoids?"
"A perfect score for the float." I answer.

We run to the train. Brad's not as fast as Goldy so Cal has to carry him. The trains nice. We get to the Nagoya Station pile into the first Taxi and the driver is

... guess who.

"Hello boys nice to see you again." says the new robo-Bea maliciously. "Self destructing now."
-!voip!-
- BOOM -
The car goes up in flames taking the new robo-Bea with it. I of course teleported us to safety.
We get in the next taxi, my sensors tell me he's human but they've been wrong before.
We arrive at the Nagoya Hilton. Thankfully Paris is nowhere to be seen.

AOC: What the Shinto?

2007-02-15T15:23:00.000-05:00

Angel and I enter the Shinto Temple. I have been working on several Fertility Prayers, but I must that beign a clone trooper I have very little exprence with “fertility” issue or for that matter prayer issues. I had to think some of the thing I have overheard Jedi Master Kenobi say on our missions.

“Psst, Tak. Did you just paint your helmet?” Angel inquires

BEDSHEETS AND MAGIC MARKERS

“”Yep, and these robes were swiped from the last Hotel where we stayed. We are in like Flinn. Or Flinntogawa as the case may be.”

Angel just rolls his eyes.

Standing in from of the congregation, I feel a little nervous. Then with a deep breath I slowly say the first Prayer.

LOOKING FOR LOVE

It is now fertility week
So look for that person you seek
Then whisper and kiss
Make them find bliss
And maybe they might let you peek

The priest translates and everyone just stares at me.

I try another prayer to the fertility gods.

We are here to celebrate fertility
We must all use our best civility
So take my advice
And be extra nice
She might show you her agility

The congregation murmurs a little, but it sounds nothing like approval. I try again.

She is opening like a flower
But your plow is lacking power
Just take the blue pill
To give her a thrill
But you have to wait about an hour.

Four of the older member of the flock nod approvingly and smile. I must be getting closer.

If your gal is acting fertile
Give her a very nice smile
If you aren’t crass
And don’t act like an ass
The next stop will be a perpendicular style

This time the crowd whoops and hollers and the Priest gives Angel the next clue.

We find out that we need to build a float or build a shrine. We decide on a Shrine, mainly to get away from the crowds of drunken horny fertility ‘worshippers.

As I start to look for building supplies I hear the sound of plastic blocks being dumped out. Angel looks at me and says “What, so I took a bunch of Lego from the Mall of America. I know they would come in handy. Help me build a shrine.”

I jump into work. And hour later Angel and I have competing “shrines”

“I think mine has a simple design with clean lines and will appeal to the minimalist approach that the Shinto religion seeks with life in balance.” I smugly tell Angel.

“Mine doesn’t look like crap!” Angel retorts.

TAK’S TOWER

ANGEL’S FEEBLE ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND THE SHINTO MINDSET

As the priest approaches, Ralph trips over my “Shrine” and destroys it. Dang his clumsiness.

The priest looks over our team’s effort and gives it a passing mark.

As we leave the village we see a giant Lego Batman heading towards the Shrine we just built as villager run screaming from the festival.

LEGO BATMAN HAUNTS OUR LIVES AGAIN.

As we leap into a taxi, telling the driver to head to the Nagoya Hilton, I wonder how far ahead the other contestants are. Not far I hope …

AOC: Waiting out the Yield.

2007-02-14T15:22:00.000-05:00

I am waiting in the Asgard lobby for the Yield to end. Angel and Ralph are checking out the gift shop. My comm. Link dings. It is a message from Proffsor X, telling me to come to his makeshift office.

As I enter the office I can see he is not happy.

“TK-266, your recent allegation against some of the other contestant and one of our judges is very disturbing!”

I just stand there not sure what to say.

“Where did you get those pictures? What are you trying to do?” he ask

“They were delivered to me, Professor. Honest. Here is the envelope.” As I hand it to him, another picture falls out.

DON”T NEED NO CHAIR

“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS’ the professor screams “WHO PUT YOU UP TO THIS” He puts his hand to his head and I begin to thrash about

.
.
.

“Wake up, you are having a bad dream” I hear in my ear.

I keep my eyes closed for a moment, trying to clear my head. “Wow, I just had the worse nightmare. I dreamed that Paula and the professor ….”

“Oh don’t be silly, you know you’re the only one for me” a sugary voice says as I open my eyes

Say it So Joe!!!!

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
.
.
.

“Wake up, Mr. TK-266, wake up” It is Ralph the cameraman. “The Yeild is over. You seem to be having a bad dream. I told you not to eat a tuna fish sandwich from a vending machine.”

“Oh man Ralph. That was a dozy of a nightmare. I dreamed that I kept finding picture of the other contestants in bed with Paul Abdrool. Even the Professor. It was creepy to say the least.”

Angel come walking up, “Tak, that was no dream. It is all over the tabloids about a lot of the contestants sleeping with Paula. But no worries, it happens on every show she does. Let’s head to Japan.”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Sometime before the next Leg

2007-02-13T03:38:00.000-05:00

"Koma this place is a mess watcha doin'?" asks Cal.
"I got what was left from the robo-Bea Arthur sent to me and I'm trying to find out who made it." I answer.
"Have you found out anything?" inquires Cal.
"Yes." I answer. I pull the head out from one of the boxes. I remove the top of the skull and point to the flashing led inside.
"Whats that?" he asks confused.
"That is the activation led for its synthetic neural network." I explain. "Every sensory component is synthetic. My design. The rest is SHIELD LMD technology."
"So its SHIELD on your ass." concludes Cal wrongly.
"Nope SHIELD don't give a rats about me these days." I correct. "But there are a few inside SHIELD who hate me enough to do this."
"And they are?" prods Cal.
"Either dead or imprisoned. So it leads nowhere." I put the head down on the table, pick up what was left of the left leg and let out my frustration on the head.
"Who!" I shout as I strike the head.
"The F$%#!" I hit the head again.
"Are you?" This time the head shatters, showering us and the room with robot brains.
"Koma you need to relax a bit man." comments Cal. "I'll go find Goldy."
Cal leaves, he wont be able to get Goldy to come over she's still pissed with me that everyone knows about the night at Disneyland.
Then the phone rings.
"Yeah!" I answer bluntly still pissed off.
"Fury? what the hell do you want." I ask

To be continued.....

Enough of your lies!

2007-02-12T20:58:00.000-05:00

I did not have sexual relations with that woman ! Paula Abdrool! I mean come on look what I have at home!

If thaHmph! it's probably one of my relatives. Come to think of it , it does look like my Father! Bah! He never did have good taste in women! Luckily for me His marriage to my mother was arranged, Or I'd end up with the son of a saiyan pornstar or something Tch!

Hold Please

2007-02-12T19:59:00.000-05:00

Well, someone made this decision quite easy for me.

AOC (if that really is your name), your cheap hack job earns you no points in my favor. I am a married man and I made a sacred vow not to sleep with hepped-up celebrity judges or fuzzy blue teleporting mutants.

See, my wife kind of looks like a cross between Annette Benning and Xena the Warrior Princess -- emphasis on "cross," as in "right cross." Maybe someday you will understand the sacrament of commitment that comes with wearing a wedding ring like this.

Oh crud, where's my ring?

It's not here, I hope I didn't lose it over the Grand Canyon or something.

I don't see it anywhere.

Has anyone seen my wedding ring?

Anyone?

Aw nuts, now my wife is going to kill me.

Yep, I'm dead.

Oh wait, it was on my other hand all along. Heh heh...

So, Tak, because of your poor judgment and worse photochopping skills (and not because it was an easy way to re-use a Yield), you have earned this week's Yield.

The Seventh Leg of the Race

2007-02-12T19:43:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the seventh leg of the Amazing Mutant Race 3. Last week we saw our seven teams travel to Asgard where they had to survive a drinking contest with Volstagg, a poker game with Loki and/or a battle with Storm Giants. Managing to be the first to reach the Pit Stop at the magnificent Rainbow Bridge were Jon, the Intergalactic Gladiator and the Amazing Nightcrawler. This is the third victory for Jon and Kurt.

As the winners, they get to choose one other team to Yield. A Yield forces that team to delay their start time by one hour. Jon and Kurt must select the picture of the person they wish to Yield and place it on the board.

The last team to arrive was Henchman and Elixir. As always, the last team to arrive is eliminated.

This leg of the race starts on Bifrost, the Rainbow Bridge that connects Asgard to Earth. From the bridge, the legendary God of Thunder, Thor, shall transport the teams in the order in which they arrived to Komaki, Japan where the annual fertility festival is about to start.

Are you feeling lucky? Once in the village, the teams must race to the Shinto temple, Tagata Jinja. There they will face their Roadblock for this leg of the race. A Roadblock is a challenge only one member of a team may perform.

The racer selected must don traditional Shinto priestly
garb and lead the fertility festival goers in an original prayer. The purpose of the prayer is to call down the blessings of the divine spirits upon the people of the village. The prayer will be translated by one of the actual temple ministers.

If at least five of the festival goers shout some form of amen at the conclusion of the prayer, then that task will be completed. However, if they don’t, then the racer must make a new prayer.

Once the Roadblock is complete, the teams will then receive their Detour. A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. Teams must successfully complete one of the tasks described on the clue. In this Detour, the teams must choose between To Be or Not To Be.

In To Be, the teams must design an appropriate float to celebrate the spirit of fertility and march it through the parade. At the end, the review committee will rate the entries. The teams must receive at least 6 out of 10 points for promoting the theme of the festival.

In Not To Be, the teams must build a shrine to the divine spirits and ancestors of the people of the village that commemorates their place of honor in the community. The head Shinto Priest for the village must be satisfied as to the shrine’s appropriateness. If he blesses the shrine, then that task is complete.

Once the Detour has been accomplished, the teams must then make their way by train to the Nagoya Station and then by taxi to the Pit Stop for this leg of the race, which is at the Nagoya Hilton. As always, the last team to arrive will be eliminated.

Posts are due by Saturday, 8pm.

AOC: Interlude

2007-02-12T17:28:00.000-05:00

As the remaining teams wait for Jon to chose who will get the yield, I look through envelope I had received from the Asgard Express delivery service. After finding Jon’s photo in it I was shocked. I needed to see if there were any clues to who may have sent me the photo.

Another 2 photos fell out. O that is just not pretty. I am not sure what to make of this, but I know I won’t be eating lunch today anytime soon
.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Paula must have one of those Wilt Chamberlin Scoreboard Headboards. I hope the pain stops soon.

Pit Stop

2007-02-11T21:07:00.000-05:00

I’m going make this quick. Really

AOC & Angel: Wretched but not last

Koma & Caliban: Abysmal but not last

Jon & Nightcrawler: First over the line

Gyrobo & Gambit: Confusing but not last

Henchman & Elixir: Last, goodbye

Noel & Beast: Schmaltzy but not last

Vegeta & Logan: Liberated from pants but not last

So there you have it. The bald wonder is currently being entertained by a host of women who wear a big breast plate and carry a long spear. So he might be a bit delayed in telling you all the next leg of the race.

Cheers!
Simon

Act VI, Scene III

2007-02-10T19:44:00.000-05:00

There’s Always A Diplomatic Solution

AMOK watched another bubble rise to the top of the ambassador’s aquarium, then break at the surface. It was delicate work, organizing a battle with the Giants; having their diplomatic proceedings off camera had been a prerequisite of the talks, leaving AMOK to fend for himself in a lobby ten times bigger than any lobby he’d ever seen before.

The magazines alone could swat him flat.

“...and I stand by it, you communists!”

His memory aggregator roared to life as two tiny figures emerged from the cracks at the base of the ambassador’s large office door.

“How did the summit go?” AMOK pressed, trying to glean some insider tips from his companions. The AMOK had billions of Quatloos invested in Giant futures; if the talks had led to an arranged battle, the AMOK would profit handsomely.

“Before or after he called de ambassador’s country ‘Jomentum?’” Gambit opined, pointing his pithy finger cast at my head while he bloviated his utterances. “And den when de ambassador tried to-”

“This country is Jomentum, not Jo- Joho- Joton-”

“Jotunheim.”

“That’s not how it should be pronounced!” I screamed. “I’m a linguist! These uncivilized mountain folk should worship the ground I tell them how to pronounce.”

“Giants do worship spirits of the earth, as is evidenced by their numerous burial customs.”

“Can it, egg-man,” I spat, referencing AMOK’s trademark plastic eggs in a negative manner. If his ego was as fragile as I suspected, the conversation was already over. “I’m perfect, so it must be your fault.”

Gambit looked confused. “Are you talkin’ to me, or AMOK?”

A chewy, crunchy sound broke my irrational rage. Atomized Poundcake! Private Hudson- strolling down the hallway with a five-foot donut strapped to his back!

“Hudson! What brings you to the Land of the Giants?!”

His eyes glazed over (much like the donut he carried so handily) but answered gruffly. “I’m a big man, and I need a big meal. Also, here,” he handed me a packet of $20 bills. “That’s for Loki’s Poker game. The professor said I should bring it to you, seein’ as how I was on my way here anyway.”

“For the equinox?”

Hudson struggled to shift the donut’s center of gravity, then went back the way he came, crumbs breaking off every few steps. I looked down at the money, hoping that Loki was more patriotic than the Giants had been.

***

“So, get out much?”

Loki didn’t even crack a smile, despite the jester-like lip curls painted on his ghost-white face. He just kept shuffling the cards unemotionally, pausing only to take a sip of his Long Island Iced Tea. The tiny room smelled of dust and spices, and large antiques from across the expanse of time lined the walls. Globes with geopolitical designations that became obsolete millennia ago, and weapons of unknown origin that hung from invisible threads were just some of the kitschy things I would’ve enjoyed feeding into a woodchipper.

“Can I up the ante?”

“You’ve already folded,” Gambit sighed, kicking me under the table. I accepted his challenge and kicked him right back, sating my id as well as my honor.

“Mr. Laufeyjarson? Can I have more cards?”

“You already folded!” Axelrock roared, shaking the room. He was one of the four Storm Giants I had been itching to fight, and the other three were likewise impatient. We had, after all, intruded on their Poker night.

“I have a protein folding program on my computer, at home,” I informed him. “It calculates all kinds of protein structures over a distributed computing network, and scientists will use it’s findings to cure all sorts of diseases one day.”

He squinted his bulbous yellow eyes. “What’s that got to do with Texas Hold ’Em?”

“It’s the first thing I think of when I hear the word ‘fold.’ Of course, the next thing I think of is yo mama!”

The other three giants laughed their bellies raw, and Axelrock returned to his hand, purple with rage. He put a hairy fist over his holstered bear mace, a strident reminder to keep my insults within the scope of the game.

“I didn’t mean to insult your mother,” I flouted at the Strom Giant, “but Gambit over here was just telling me about how fat she is.”

His eyes started to bug out, and he turned to Gambit, who started panting and trying to stand up; the casts on his legs held firm. That’s when I pulled out the box of diapers.

“Gambit said your mother sent you these to-”

“GRAAAAAAAAAHHHH!”

Axelrock’s battle cry reverberated in the tiny room, causing Loki to spray cards every which way. Furniture shunted sideways from the sheer force of the boom, and the enraged giant lunged across the table, targeting Gambit’s neck with his two-ton knuckles.

“Incoming!” I shouted, dodging a rafter that fell from the astonishingly high ceiling. Axlerock wasn’t so lucky, and a vintage pre-Ragnarök warhammer impacted his skull at a 45 degree angle.

Grabbing Gambit to use as air cover, I ran toward the exit as swords and ray-guns, emancipated from their display cases by the sonic shockwave, happily accepted the verdict of gravity and accelerated to the ground at exactly 9.81 meters per second squared. Sweet Sword of Damocles! Loki managed to duck under the table, but the three remaining Storm Giants bobbed helplessly as Asgardian weaponry laid them all lame.

After the final cracked portrait touched down, I took a gander at Loki, scrambling to pocket the pot of chips. Game over.

“Your plan worked perfectly, AMOK!” I smiled as the cameraman moved to get a better picture of the felled giants for his CBS overlords. Hoisting Gambit onto AMOK’s back, I punched in the coordinates for the Rainbow Bridge.

As we ran out into the misty Asgardian night, I found myself wondering about Axelrock’s real mother, and whether or not she was in fact morbidly obese.

She probably was.

Act VI, Scene II

2007-02-10T15:42:00.000-05:00

It’s All In The Diaper

“It’s-a all up to-a you,” I said, hoping my new mustache, primary-colored clothes, and Italian accent would make me look and sound like my hero, Mario. It wasn’t working; Gambit was still resisting me.

“I don’ tink I can drink as much as Valstagg...”

“We don’t really have a choice, Remmy. AMOK doesn’t have a digestive system, and I filled up on bread at the resort.” Logical and reserved as always, I handed him a heavy package. “You might need these to win.”

“What’s dis?” He asked nervously, his left eye twitching.

“When we were super geniuses last week, NASA snapped us up and we built them some kind of rocket-powered laser, or laser-guided rocket, or something. That’s a box of military-grade diapers we stole from ’em, the stupid eggheads!”

Gambit set the box down gently and looked across the Hall of Odin to Valstagg, who blanched boldly, bearing his bitter bravado as if he’d been bested beforehand by a bunch of booze-hound brainiacs on a bender. Shame of Super-Son! This wouldn’t be easy...

“There is no information in my databanks on Valstagg, which could indicate his exists solely in this universe,” AMOK rattled. He was in the process of converting the photovoltaic cells on his casing to absorb Asgard’s ambient energy, so there was the possibility that memory buffers containing Valstagg’s profile were offline.

“We don’t-a need no high-profile data-a,” I explained with a slight curl of my mustache. “All we need is right here!” My hand went straight up, a slip of folded yellow paper clenched between my fingers in a vice-like grip.

“De more time you take, de angrier Valstagg gets,” Gambit pointed out. Valstagg seemed to have completely recovered from the horrible tricks the other contestants had deployed to defeat him, and by now was prepared for an all-out brawl; I haven’t seen a Norseman this down since Norway subjugated the Icelanders in 1262. But at least Iceland still retained its pathetic Althing, I smirked.

“This little piece of paper contains detailed instructions on how we can easily beat Valstagg.” I let that sink in for a minute. “We wrote it ourselves, back in the void.”

“What’s it say?” Gambit whispered in a hushed, hurried tone.

“It says you should get in there,” I laughed, shoving the box of diapers at his chest. He took it and scowled off to Valstagg’s hand-crafted drinkin’ table.

***

“Val-stagg! Val-stagg!”

After so many demoralizing losses, the Asgardians were at long last getting their due; Gambit had only nursed a puny keg and a half of mead while Valstagg downed enough of the stuff to feed a third-world army—maybe even the army of a former soviet satellite that had passed many reforms over the last ten years and was starting to develop the infrastructure to maintain a higher quality of life for its soldiers—and showed no signs of slowing down.

“AMOK, what are your calculations of victory right now?”

The mechanical chimera beeped up a storm, and with a flash of his faceplate answered with a sound clip of a man screaming and jumping off the roof of a skyscraper while set on fire. It a the most grim omen I’ve ever seen, excluding the infamous postcard John Wilkes Booth sent to President Lincoln with a photo of himself standing outside Ford’s theater on the front and the words “wish you were here” inscribed on the back. Now that’s an ominous omen.

“Why don’t you just give up now?” Valstagg hemmed, to the satisfaction of his cheering Valkyrie platoon, who respectfully hawed.

“Why don’t you just take a look at Gambit’s box?” I fired back. The plan was finally coming to fruition, after centuries of setbacks from railroaders and blasphemers.

Shrugging, Valstagg reached for the plain brown cardboard carton. He was light-years ahead of Gambit, but still cautious after so many consecutive defeats. “What is this?!”

“Those are your diapers, your majesty.”

Gambit snickered, and the Valkyries murmured among themselves in confusion. Valstagg’s face got redder than iron in an oxidation chamber.

“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!” he thundered.

“Gambit wanted to congratulate you on a phenomenal win, so he went and got you something you’ll really use,” I told a perplexed Valstagg. Gambit’s smile was almost instantly replaced by a wide-eyed mask of disbelief. “And we all know you like to dress up as a baby. We would’ve gotten the matching bonnet, but Gambit said you already had one.”

Valstagg threw the table end over end and punched Gambit in the right shoulder. The sinewy crunch of bone and Gambit’s bloodcurdling scream told me phase one of the plan was complete.

“I’LL DESTROY YOU! I’LL... I’ll..”

Valstagg’s eyes rolled up into his head and his mouth gaped opened. Clutching at his chest with his meaty right hand, he fell on top of Gambit, smothering the mutant under centuries of unwashed belly rolls. Swirling a half-empty glass of mead, I inhaled it in less than the blink of a compound eye. “Gambit’s passed out, so the contest restarted. So far it’s us one, Valstagg zero.”

One of the Valkyries heaved the deity’s bulk off Gambit, and turned him face up. “He’s not breathing!”

“If he’s not going to drink at least a full glass, we win,” I explained to the Valkyrie. “That’s the rules.”

“He’s not breathing!”

As a swarm of concerned citizen-gods crowded Valstagg to try and revive him, I dragged Gambit outside the Hall by his ankles. He started coughing, and I could tell at least half his ribs were broken.

“Lay still, old chum,” I whispered, signaling AMOK to bring me my surgical kit. Rummaging around, I held a scalpel up to the light; AMOK took several high-resolution shots, which would play great in the tabloids.

“Did... did we lose?” Gambit winced, both his eyes swollen shut. I injected a small amount of sedative into his neck, knocking him out like a referee at a boxing match.

One way or another, I was getting that kidney.

Noel & Beast: Part 2; The Fight

2007-02-10T14:49:00.000-05:00

Hank and I decided to go with Clubs. Hank is extremely strong and agile. While I'm not as good as him myself, he has taught me a lot. And I know we can take out these giants.

Once we get to our destination we see a large field, on the far side are four Storm Giants.

Near us is a large pile of weapons. Hank decides to go without. I chose a shield and a large sword. I also grab a couple cans of mace. And we head out to battle.

Hank gets there first and jumps up on one of the giants and slashes it with his claws. He only manages to barely pierce the armor. So he jumps down dodging the things sword. He quickly runs to another while the other is following him closely. Once he gets gets near enough to the other giant he jumps over the back of the one behind him and kicks it in the back. The giant goes flying into the other one. While they are struggling to get up Hank runs over and slices the throat of one, and smashes in the face of the other.

Meanwhile I run to one of the giants, and attack it the best I can. The sword it a little heavy but I manage to throw a few good blows to it. But it does the same to me. After awhile my arms are getting sore from holding the shield and sword so I decided to change battle tactics. I drop both the sword and shield and wait. The giant charges and swings it sword at me. I duck to miss the blow to me head, while down I use all the leg strength and launch myself at the giant. I jump and grab a hold of his collar and peal off is mask. Just before he can grab me I pull out a can of mace and spay it directly in his face. The Giant screams and stumbles back. I do a back flip off him, using that force to push him down to the ground. As soon as I am on the ground I catch sight of the last Giant lunging at me. I jump up and kick him square in the chest. He stumbles back but fails to fall, however this gives me enough time to grab my sword and run back to the the other Giant that is still laying on the ground holding his face. Before it gets up I slice through a weak spot in his armor and into it's chest. He screams once and falls silent. I pull the sword out and turn to face the last Giant. Only to see it holding Hank by the neck. Hank looks like he is ready to pass out.

Meanwhile back to Hank:

After dealing with two of the Giants. Hank sees me macing one of the Giants myself. He catches sight of the other Giant making it's way to me, seeing me kick it he takes the opportunity to attack the last standing Giant. He jumps towards it and lands on it's back. He tries to pull off the helmet,so he can slice it's face. He manges to get it off, but once he does he is grabbed by the throat brought eye to eye with the Giant. The Giant glares at him as he squeezes his neck. All of a sudden the Giant screams and drops Hank. Hank manages to get out of the way as the Giant falls towards him. Once the Giant in down Hank looks up only to see me with a bloody sword in my hands and a small smirk on my face.

Back to me.

I see Hank being squeezed to death. I am tired and bleeding but I am not going to give up. I quickly rush up to the back of the Giant and slice my sword through it's back. It drops Hank and falls to the ground dead. I give Hank a small smirk. He has saved my life, now I have saved his I throw my sword away and rush to Hanks side. I ask "Are you okay."

"Yeah, I'm fine." He coughs a little "How are you." He looks over my sore/bloody body.

"I'm fine, just s few bruises and some small cuts." I stand up and help him get to his feet. "Let's get back to the to the Pit stop. I need a shower and some rest."

He gives me a small smile and we run off, back to the bridge.

Noel & Beast: Part 1; I Bite.

2007-02-10T03:11:00.000-05:00

I blink sleepily as I wake. The sun is starting to come up and peak through the curtains. I lay there for awhile trying to fully awake. Finally I sit up and stretch letting out a yawn. I swing my legs out of the bed and stand. To my relief my body is no longer sore and I have no difficulty with walking. I guess that full body massage Hank gave me paid off. I walk over to the other bed where my partner lays still sleeping. He is laying on his stomach with only a sheet covering his bottom half. I watch his back rise and fall with each breath he takes. I fight the urge to touch his shiny fur, I ohh so desperately want to run my fingers through it, to feel the muscles that are under that gorgeous blue fur.

I finally lose the fight and start to reach down towards his body. My fingers softly caress his shoulder. I let my fingers slide from his shoulder to the middle of his back, feeling his muscles twitch a little. I then run my fingers down the middle of his back, through is soft fur that covers his spine. Just before I got to his lower back Hank's hand moves to where my hand is. I quickly pull my hand back, but not before his finger grazed over mine. I look down and my breath catches in my throat, Hank eyes are now open. I swear if I could blush I would be beat red. I step back, as he rolls over. He gives me a weird look and sits up.

"What are you doing?"

"I....I...." I stammer, then clear my throat. "I just came over to wake you up. It will be time to leave soon and I thought you wanted to take a shower."

*with me* Raced through my head. *No.... No...... no dirty thought* Then I had mental picture of him and myself in the shower with water flowing over our bodies, embracing one another. *Ahhhhhhhhh noooo.... *

Hank gives me a weird look as I start to shake my head. "Are you feeling okay?" He stands up and touches my head.

"I uhhhh..... yeah I'm fine. Just got a bit dizzy for a moment. I'm fine now." I gave him a small smile.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, Yeah, Now go take a shower. And don't take to long, other wise I may have to come in and get you out my self" *ohhhhh no did I just say that out loud*

Hank turns and looks at me with wide eyes. Then it turns into a small sexy smirk. *Damn, I did say it out loud* But he says nothing as he turned and continued to walk to the bathroom. It is then that I notice what he is wearing. Very tight form fitting sleeping pants that shows off his.... well everything. I stare until he closes the door to the bathroom.

I stand there for a moment as those images enter my mind again. I fall onto his bed and smash my face into his pillow and let out a frustrated scream. After the scream I feel a little better, until I take a breath and smell his scent in the pillow. *God he smells so good* I sniff the pillow again. It is then that I decide I will have him, not yet, but soon, if he allows me.

With this thought I get up and get ready to leave. Shortly after I am fully dressed and have the bags packed, Hank emerges from the bathroom dressed himself.

"You ready to go?"He asked.

"Yep, I got the bags packed and everything."

And we leave for our next destination.

Three hours later.

Hank and I are standing in a strange world, on a Rainbow Bridge in Asgard.

A man named Thor tells us we have to go to Valhqll, the Hall of Odin and meet up with Valstagg. He will tell us what we have to do. So we quickly run over the bridge and to Valhqll. We find the Hall of Odin and enter, there we see a rather large man sitting at a table. I don't see any of the other teams in here so we are either early or late. I go us to the guy and ask,"Are you Valstagg."

"Why yes I am, you must be a contestant in that race." He says rather loudly.

"Yep," I nod "So what is it we need to do here?"

"One of you needs to have a drink with me"

"Is that it?" Asks Hank.

"There is more, you need to drink as much as me, for an hour, without passing out. And I will tell you, being a God I can handle my liqueur very well." He laughed.

Hank and I back up a bit to talk in private.

"Hank let me do this, I think I'll be able to handle it."

"What, I don't think so, I have seen you drink before. You can not handle much. I'll do this one."

"Hey, you can't handle much either. Plus if you go and pass out, there will be no way of me getting you out of here by myself."

"I can handle more then you."

"Look I have a plan, so please just let me do this alright."

"A plan? What type of plan?"

I smile "Being a women has certain advantage."

"WHAT, what are you going to do?"

"Just sit and watch." I said as I walk towards the table. I sat down across the table from Valstagg.

He laughed and asked. "So you plan on drinking with me. Such a small thing, I'm sure you will be out cold in a few drinks."

"That is if you can make it a few drinks, with ME here."

He then laughed again, making the whole hall shake.

"Alright then, are you ready?" He asked. I nod. "Good then here is your mug, now start drinking."

I pick up the mug and down it in one gulp, just like he did. The liqueur burned a little as it went down my throat, causing me to cough. Valstagg then laughed at me again. "One drink and you are already having a coughing fit."

I smiled at him and picked up another mug. "Well then I guess I'll have to drink another one to help." And I quickly down another one, this time I didn't cough.

After my fifth drink and starting to feel a bit of a buzz. I decided to get my plan in motion. So I stood up and leaned over the table in a seductive manner I asked Valstagg, "Do you know you have the sexiest eyes I have ever seen. I can just get lost in them." And I give him a playful flirty
smile.

Valstagg looks at me with shock. "What did you just say?"

"You heard me, I think you have sexy eyes. Not to mention other parts." I then look away, "But I guess someone like me will never have a change with a God like you. I bet you have women throwing themselves at you." I then look back at him giving him my best pouty face.

His eyes grow even wider "Well actually, no. Women despise me."

"Really, that is so sad. I like my men big and strong." I reach over and run my finger over his chest. *Uuhgggg I can't believe I'm doing this. I swear I am going to be sick.* I think. I look at Hank and he looks so angry and upset. I send a quick smile his way and a wink. I then turn back to Valstagg. "Say do you think I can join you over there?"

"Ahhhh, ummmmm......yeah sure."

I smile and I climb onto the table. I slowly and very sexily crawl over the table to him. By now his eyes are about to pop out of his head. I sit on the table in front of him. I look at him and smile "Hummm this is so much better, but it is getting a little hot in here." I reach up and unbutton the top couple button on my shirt. "Much better."

He looks down and smiles. "You know you are very sexy." No wonder women despise him so much. They show a little skin and he loses eye contact, plus he smells.

I giggle. I reach over and touch his chest again. "Yeah I did know, I was wondering if later you would want to go and have some fun with me." Now I know I will be sick. I just hope this works.

"Fun???" He squeaks out.

I lean towards him and whisper in his ear. "Yeah you know the type me, you, alone together." I hear him gasp as I blow in his ear. Here goes nothing, I think "I however should warn you that I bite...... HARD." And I bit his ear.

That did it.

I pulled away as I hear Valstagg gasp. I see him as his eyes roll back into his head and falls off the chair with a loud thud. I jump off the table and stand next to him. I look at a guard who is trying to help revive him. But I have seen this happen before, he will be out for some time. I giggle and the guard looks at me and yells, "What the HELL did you do to him."

"I just told him I bite." The guard looks at me with wide eyes, but I continue. "Ummmm..... since he has passed out can we continue on."

"I guess, the rules don't say anything about what will happen if he passes out first. And you did drink as much as he did." The guard gets up and hands my the paper with our next task written on it. "Say you know that was one dirty trick you played on him."

"Well I had to do something, there was no way I would be able to keep up drinking with him without killing myself."

The guard laughed, then grabbed my arm "You know I like when a girl bites......" He never got to finish cause Hank had thrown him against the wall.

"Don't you dare touch her." He growled, lifting the man off the ground by his collar.

"Okay, Okay, I'm sorry. I was just joking."

"Hank please don't hurt him. If you do we may get thrown out of the race." I pleaded with him.

He gave one last growl and dropped the man. "Fine, lets get out of here."

He wrapped his arm around me protectively, and lead me out of the hall. He says nothing to me, but I can tell he is upset with what I did. Yep he will be mine soon enough. I smile and lean in closer to his hold.

AOC: Miss Communication

2007-02-10T02:12:00.000-05:00

Boom!!!

DOESN’T LOOK LIKE A CARD PLAYER

I jump out of the way of a giants club, roll between it legs and yell up at Angel.

“I thought you said we had the choice to play cards with some giants or fight Loki!”

Angel dives, grab me and pulls me out of the way of another deadly blow. “I guess I got confused when I read the instructions”

“I even brought giant cards!” I yell as Angel drops me onto the back of one of the giants. The AMR3 crew is still trying to shuffle the cards

AMR3 CREW GETS READY TO DEAL

One of the giants swings at me, I leap off the giant I am on and he gets smacked in the head. He crashes to the ground like a storm at sea.

Angel continues, “it was all that drinking that confused me.’ he whined.

“What are you talking about; you had half a mug of Mead.” A Spear the size of a telephone pole is hurled at me. I spin to the left and kick a giant in its toe as hard as I can. “Heck, Ralph and I both drank more then that, you freaking lightweight”

The giant I just kicked gets hit in the eye by Angel, who then flies out of reach. One of the giants has begun to stomp at me, in some kind of deranged Irish Jig.

IS HE THE REF?

Angel calls to me “try to distract them”

“With what, a card trick” I reply snarkly while dodging the giant Lord of the Dance.

I see Angel fly between two of the giants, who both charge and end up slamming head and tumbling to the ground in a jumbled heap.

The dancing giant, swings his fist and connect with Angel who hurtled into a tree and is knocked unconscious.

I run over to the cards grab one and wave it around. The giant notices and tries to grab me. HA! He fell right into my trap.

I quickly pull the card a little to the left and the edge catches the giant just under the finger nail.

“Owwwwww!!” He shrieks “Owwww! Owwww! Owwww! It’s a paper cut! They are the worst kind!” He begins to cry in earnest.

THEY MIGHT BE CRYING GIANTS

I go and collect Angel out of the tree to the sobs of the giant, who is not screaming for his mommy and a band-aid. A small pond is beginning to grow at his feet.

As we head back to the bridge, Angel is moping and mumbling about not being a good teammate and wanting to go home. I look around and se that Ralph is trailing behind a bit.

I hear someone call to me. I turn and see an messenger boy.

“Mr. TK-266? I am from Asgard Express. I have a package for you. …. Sign here, and here. Have a good day!” The messengers tells me.

I open the package and a Photo falls out. I look at the photo and then towards the Pit stop that is less then 100 yards away. This is going to change the race I think.

WHO KNOWS WHAT GOES ON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS?

Hmmmmmmm?

Act VI, Scene I

2007-02-10T00:34:00.000-05:00

I Mace Because I Care

Gambit ran his fingers through her short, dirt-brown hair.

“If I could pluck de moon from de sky, Mon Chéri, I would sell it and buy you a castle.”

She giggled and ran behind a leafy oak; an unknown (and probably adorable) creature scampered down the trunk and scurried off through the brush. The sun burned against his reddening face.

“If I could give you my very soul, Mon Chéri, I would tear it out just for you.”

Jumping down from the treetops, she looked him straight in the eyes. “How ’bout just a kidney?”

“Wh... what?”

The forest darkened, and the clouds started to gather. Birds’ chirping was replaced by a disquieting silence.

“No welching,” she protested, “gimme a kidney. A fresh one, too!”

Everything shook for a moment, then the world turned pink.

***

The sudden emergence left him disoriented for a vulnerable second, during which time I reached over and game him an infamous Wet Willie.

“Agh!” He yelped, knocking my hand away; but the damage was done, and Gambit would suffer permanent ear infections for the rest of his natural life.

“So how about that kidney?” I asked, trying desperately to find a new kidney to replace the one I’d already sold on eBay but accidentally destroyed before I could mail it. There should really be warning labels on kidneys: “do not microwave,” “do not expose to rabid animals,” “do not use to filter orange juice pulp,” etc.

“Where are we?” He slurred as he rubbed his swollen eyes and tried to stand, but the loft was far too tipsy for him to get a solid footing.

Getting from the Disney Resort hotel to Marvel Studios was a simplistic task, true, but after an unpredictable anomaly transformed Gambit and myself into super-genius-types last week, it was agreed upon that we would travel by hot-air balloon. Our cameraman, AMOK, hadn’t helped matters, flattering both of us with praise for our ballooning skills and egging us on when we tried to come up with a different way of getting there. And we had had plenty of time to conjure up alternatives... in the void.

I shuddered. Being yielded is one of the best things that can happen to a team, and also the most terrifying. Gambit had taken to the yield like a lobster to butter at first, sitting quietly and patiently, counting the birds as they flew by the resort window.

But the whole time he was contemplating escape, planning a resort-wide riot. It took four bellboys to take him down, and one of them didn’t make it. That’s when the Professor decided our team was too energized for a normal yield, and banished us to the void for the final half hour of our yielding. “Hasta la pasta,” I remember him saying as he activated the Zone Disrupter; but that was all behind us now.

“We are... about five minutes due west of Marvel Studios,” I said, reading off the SONAR grid data. “So, you heard anything about this Thor guy? I’d hate to go in without running a solid background check, but what with our brains all shrunk down again, I don’t even think we can land this thing.”

Gambit rubbed his eyes some more. “Never heard o’ him.”

“Thor: a man of few words and fewer friends. He poisoned his way up the chain of Norse mythological figures, and enjoys long walks on the beach.” AMOK rolled his caterpillar tracks over the refurbished log-cabin floor of the gondola. His processors were blazing something fierce, loading and storing and loading constants like crazy, digging up all kinds of obscure facts and rumors about the deity. “He also stared in several independent films to boost his street cred, and his dog is named after the Star Trek character Elim Garak.”

“Is dat from dis universe, or yours? You did come from a parallel universe.”

Ten thousand CPUs cut out instantly. Eons of superior robo-logic... put to shame by the most tantalizingly stupid of observations. For all their processing speed, their seemingly infinite storage capacity, their never-ending lifespan, the machines could never reach the reasoning level of a mutant redneck.

And that’s just sad.

***

“Welcome to Asgard... enjoy your visit...”

“This is impossible!”

I raised an eyebrow in total defiance, sizing up “Thor.” He was less than ten feet tall, and must’ve weighed at least one kilogram. I like to set a pretty wide margin of error for all my estimations.

“Step right up, go to Asgard...”

To be sure, the portal looked magical. I could see a pale corona around its wispy edges, indicating a spiritual realm lay right behind the event horizon. But it could just be another tourist trap, and we didn’t have the time nor the money to waste on another Norwegian sand-castle bake-off.

“How much?” I reached scornfully for my wallet, but I was really just creating subterfuge while I rooted around for some bear mace.

“Entry is free for all contestants,” Thor thundered, living up to his “reputation” as an independent film star. Gambit walked fearlessly towards the wormhole, and AMOK followed suit along the wheelchair ramp. But I wasn’t prepared to buy his whole “divine benevolence” just yet.

“Thanks... Thor.” I bit my tongue, holding back the torrent of conspiracy theories I had built up over the last thirty seconds regarding his legitimacy as the son of Odin. Perhaps there was something more to this Norse mythology than I thought... perhaps it’s not something your can buy in a store...

As the accretion disk began to envelope my frail mortal body, I quickly turned around and sprayed bear mace every which way. The last thing I heard before being completely obliterated into the ether was a Nordic belly wail.

You can never be too careful, or too paranoid, in this day and age.

Blatant Attempt At Humor #23.

2007-02-09T22:44:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gents,

Elixir drove like a man in need of a bathroom. We screech to a halt at the Marvel Studios. Once there Thor stop us.

"Halt thee, Henchman dost be a constant on AMR3...th?" Thor spits out.

"Yes, Goldie. Just shut your yap and gets us there." I order.

"Thou has angered the God of Thunder. I say nay thee."

I was about to kick him in the little boys, when Elixir stopped me and asked him nicely.

I saw some of the others go. I came up with a plan. It would be my turn to go as soon as Fatty was done with his ad spot.

"Come yellow one,drink with me." Volstagg pats the seat next to him.

First one is ok.

Second one I felling good.

#rd Wow this beer is da best.

4fth I...I..

Elixir heals me. I head back to the table.

I had two more and thankfully time is up.

Then this hottie takes to the fight.

"Sif, Lady Sif." She tells us.

I make my way to the battlefield. I pick it up and read the craving on the sword. "By the power of GreySkull, I have the Power."

Hench- Man. dat dat doo doo... Some music starts.Hench-man.

I am tossing Frost Giants all over the place.

My strength is beyond anything I ever felt.

Suddenly, I am notice how sexy some of the giants look. I find my self thinking about what the Angel is doing...

"Ha Ha, You mis read the sword. It's be the power of Gayskull. Ha ha...Sucker."

In my anger I fling the sword into the last Giant.

"Hey, no fair. That went in.Ow." He belows.

We make a break for the rainbow bridge.

Dental for all.

Dr.Polaris rules.

Jon and Nightcrawler: Poker? Darn near killer her!

2007-02-09T17:03:00.000-05:00

“Ow, not so loud,” I winced. “My head is killing me.”

“You may have survived an hour of drinking vith Volstagg,” Nightcrawler replied. “But now you’re hungover vhile he’s still drinking.”

“Yeah, I know.” I rubbed my temples. “That’s the last time I go toe-to-toe with a god. Gosh, I wish I had a nickel for every time I said something like that. I’d have, like, a dollar thirty eight by now.”

“I suppose zat I vill take the next challenge, then. Though I am not much of a gambler, I’ve played some poker in my day.”

“You can have it.” I groaned and leaned back in my chair. “I’m not much of a poker player anyway, although I did win thirty-eight cents the last time I was in Vegas.”

“Vow, you high roller, you,” Nightcrawler chuckled. “OK, wish me luck.”

“Good luck against Loki,” I said to him. Wow, I think I’m sweating Asguardian Ale right out of my pores. It sure smells like it.

“Wow, you lost that game of poker pretty quick,” I said as Nightcrawler returned with a consternated look on his face.

“I can’t believe he beat me,” Nightcrawler said in awe. “I had a full house with kings high.”

“He must have pulled something, he is the Lord of Mischief, you know.”

“jah vell, maybe fighting four giants was a better idea anyway, huh?” Nightcrawler shrugged.

“I have fought giants before,” I said. “I can do it again.”

“Without modern weapons?” the fuzzy elf prodded.

I thought about that for a moment.

“Maybe we can reason with them,” I suggested.

“Somehow I doubt zat.”

We made our way to Jotunheim and there stood the four giants that we were to engage. Before us lay the various weapons that we could use as well.

“Say fellas,” I called up to them. “You don’t really want to do this do you? I mean, we’re just a couple of little mortals.”

“But we like smashing mortals,” rumbled one.

“Maybe we could do something else instead,” I proposed. “How about a game?”

“We like the game of smashing mortals,” rumbled the second giant.

“You know, now that I’ve had a good look at you,” I said. “Aren’t you formerly known as the knights who say something?”

“Yes,” said the third. “The Knights Who Say Hasn’t This Bit Been Overdone For Crying Out Loud?”

“Alright, alright,” I said. “I still think everyone would be happier if we found another way through this instead of resorting to violence.”

“Hmmm, you do have a point, mortal.” The third giant nudged the fourth. “Maybe we could all sit down and have a nice—”

In mid sentence, the third and fourth giants pounced on Nightcrawler and I. They were quickly followed by the first and second. My teammate and I defended ourselves against the behemoths. Swinging clubs and battle axes wildly, there was no quarter asked and none given. Though they clearly outclassed us in size and strength, the giants could not keep up with our nimbleness. Nightcrawler used his abilities to their fullest, expertly dodging and weaving their clumsy assault. My mutant companion, who hails from a team that pride’s itself on being the best at what they do, and what they do isn’t pretty, kept the giants off guard. I endeavored as well to keep them on their toes. We knew that defeat was but one slip away, but we didn’t have time to stop. We also knew that if we went from acting to reacting, then the battle was as good as lost.

Onward we pressed our foes. Nighcrawler bouncing and teleporting from giant to giant, striking them and I diving and ducking their attacks. Their clumsy swings and kicks eventually grew slower and more plodding. Exhaustion set in on the Storm Giants and soon fatigue as well. Soon after, they were barely able to stand and they were all the more targets for our strikes and counters. In due time, one giant fell unconscious, then a second and a third. The fourth did not last much longer and as the dust settled, Nightcrawler and I walked away victorious in what a Norse God might call a glorious battle, though we took little joy in our fight, we did what had to be done.

“Vow,” Nightcrawler huffed. “We really beat them. Vow.”

“Yeah,” I puffed in agreement. “I’m a bit amazed myself.”

“Und ve did it with only these veapons,” he said while hefting a club.

“Yep,” I agreed. “Just these weapons. That was one of the toughest challenges yet.”

“Jah, mien freund,” Nighcrawler exhaled heavily. “Vait, vhat’s that noise?”

“Uh, what noise?”

“I didn’t notice it before, but I can just barely hear some sort of high-pitched whine.” My mutant partner looked down at my Wristcomm. “Hey, is zat thing on?”

“Oh, well what do you know.” I punched a couple buttons and turned it off. “Looks like it was firing a sonic disrupter at a very low level. We’re lucky it didn’t affect us, huh?”

Sex,Drugs and Poker (in that order)

2007-02-08T07:42:00.000-05:00

There's a knock at the door.
"Koma! Ten minutes to race." calls one of the production crew through the door.

"Arrrgh!" screams Goldy. "You were supposed to ask for a 6 A.M. wake up call." She lauches herself out of the bed and scrambles around tyring to find her clothes.
"I think you'll be needing these." I say still in bed holding some of her underwear.
She goes to snatch them. I tease her and pull them away.
"Austin." she complains. "I was supposed to be at the production meeting over an hour ago. If they find out I spent the night here. My ass is fired."
"And its such a nice one too." I reply and give them to her them. She dresses quickly and goes to the door.
"You don't want to do that Goldy, they'll catch you." I warn her.
"Then how do I get back to my room?" she snaps.

Damn she's sexy when she's angry.

-!Voip!-
I teleport her to her room. It was a good thing she locked the door before she came down last night. I was supposed to wake her up at six so she could sneak back. Now did I forget on purpose or not. I'll let you all figure that one out.

I get to the start line with seconds to spare. Goldy is already there camera on shoulder, making sure I can't talk to her. The other racers are lined up.

I nod to Jon and Kurt.
"Good Luck Dr McCoy." I call to Hank.
"Good Luck to you Dr Peters." He replies .
To Tak and Angel I mouth the word 'Losers'
I ignore Vegeta and Logan. Logan snarls in defiance.
"Henchy!" I call as I pass. He offers me a low five. I give him my hand and he grabs hold of it and pulls me closer.
"Got some camera-girl 'eh." he whispers in my ear. My sly smile in response is all he needs.

I look over to Gyrobo and Gambit in the yeild area. I know how that feels. Damn! I'm glad thats not Cal and me.

The race plan says we gotta go to the Marvel Studios. Fine with me. They say we can get there anyway we want. I ask if the teleporter is ok. The producers don't seem to mind THIS time. So its one -!voip!- and we're there in front of.... Oh crap!

This ain't Marvel Studio's.

"Excuse me you people look lost. Can I help you?" I turn to see who's asking.

"Judge Reinhold!" I exclaim. "You were in the Beverly Hills Cop movies."
"Yes I was but I was also in The Santa Clause. And many other great movies. Not to mention Sienfeld for which I got an Emmy Nominattion." He smiles.
"You know where Marvel Studios is?" asks Cal.
"Well I am on my way there to audition for a role in the up and comming Ant Man movie." he answers.

-Fizzzzumm!-

Judge collapses to the floor like a sack of spuds. I put the neural destabliser away.
"Koma why'd you do that?" complains Goldy.
"Yeah!" adds Caliban."He was going to take us to the Studio."
"One. the stuidio's over there." I point behind Cal to where Thor is waiting. "And Two there is no way this chump is going to play Ant Man. I missed my chance to stop Ben Afleck playing Daredevil. And don't we all regret that."
"Ok." shrugs Cal.
Goldy goes to scold me and then stops.
"Yeah." she agrees. "Even I thought that was bad casting."

We walk up to Goldilocks and he's not happy to see me.

"Koma". he growls my name. "I am mightly grieved that thee is in this Mutant Race. However the Professor has vouched for thee. So entry to the realm of Asgard tis thine."
Instantly the rainbow bridge materialises in front of us.
"Magical. Cool." exclaims Caliban.
"Its just a different from of science Cal." I tell him. Thor gives me sharp look. I ignore it.

We get the Roadblock and then ushered into the Hall. There the corpulent Volstagg is waiting a pre-drinking stein of Ale in hand.

"So tis is the scoundrel and the monster with the childsmind." announces the rotund one.
"One my minds all clear now." corrects Cal. "And two you keep on calling people monsters you might get called something youself. Fatty."
He's learnt so much from me it just makes me smile with pride.
"So you have found your mind. And your wit too I see. Come Caliban lets test your metal." offers the volumnous one.
And with that Cal takes a seat and grabs a waiting pitcher of Ale and begins chugging it down.
"Steady Cal. Its not a race." I warn. Honestly I don't know how the Ale will effect Cal, it could just make him drunk or worse he could regress.

He goes drink for drink with Volstagg after 5 he look a bit tipsy.
"Cal are you ok." I ask
"Shhhure M'I Okie." he replies.
"Maybe you should take a breather." I offer.
"No I can drink more than Vollll, than Vollll, than Fatty can. Eshy." And with that he polishes of another pitcher of Ale.
"This is going bad." comments Goldy.
"Well he's doing pretty well seeing that he's never drunk before." I say.
"WHAT!" she answers. "You let him do this. Austin what were you thinking?"
"Hey I was going to do this but Cal accepted the challenge Volstagg gave him. I Couldn't stop him." I explain.
Goldy didn't reply she just shouldered the camera.
"I'd shay your in the doghoushe t'night Koma." jibes Cal downing his 8th pticher.
I turn to see Goldy looking quite mad.

"After this leg." I say to her.
"AFTER." she growls. You know I may be in heaps of trouble but she's so sexy when she's angry. Then behind me I hear a large 'THUD!'
Cal's hit the floor.
"I can get up. Don worriesh." he slurs. He tries to get upright. However he loses his balance and he finds the floor again. "I thishk I'll stay downsh here." and with that he falls asleep.
Volstagg finds this ever so amusing.
"Ho ho ho! Twas a poor effort, one would think he'd never had a drop of Ale in his life. Come Koma let's see how thee fares." his smile is one of pure confidence. And he's right to think so. But I'm not going to play by his rules I'm going to cheat.
I take the first pitcher and go through it just slower than Volstagg.
"Ah-ha! Pacing thineself. Tis a fair strategy." compliments the Asgardain answer to Fat Bastard.

My sensors tell me the Ale is about 18.5% alcohol. Ok I may have an Australian thirst but thats nothing when compared to Logan and I'd bet good money Volstagg can drink him under the table. But Cal has taken up 20 minutes which only gives me 40 mins to drink and not the whole hour. To help me even futher I do some fancy work with the teleporter sending the Ale from every second mouthfull somewhere else. Unfortunately I get the co-ordinates wrong and the Ale appears out of nowhere and then falls on the table.
"My Troth! Ale is just falling from the sky. You are a rouge Koma." He replies and then laughs hartily.
At the end of the hour is I'm just over tipsy. Which was proved by my learing at the Bar Wenches
'Gee those Bar Wenches aren't all that bad.' I think to myself giving them a tipsy smile.

They smile back.

"Koma. Cals still out and you've got another task to perform." reminds Goldy. Though I think she was just getting my mind of those Bar Wenches.
"Thanks Goldy." I reply but..."Your sex kitten, you know that." slips out.
Big Whoops!
"Caffine tablets..." I tell myself."I got Caffine tablets somewhere." I fumble through my belt and my coat.
"Neural Destabiliser, Keys to the Lair, UV flashlight, C-4, ahhh the remote to the DVD player thats where that went." and finally. "Ah tablets, anti-poison, anti-inflamitory, anti-flatulence...which I don't need. Ah-ha Caffine Tablets."

I take two start me up again. As for Cal I think about leaving him there but we'd lose the race. So I wake him up.
"Uh -snort- wha. Koma, Did I beat the Fat guy?" he asks.
"No. Take these." I give him the Caffine tablets.
"But I still feel slee - py." he said tired. And then his eyes dialated. He sat bolt up right.
"I'mawakdeKoma. ReallyI'mawake." he said. He looked around with quick jerking movements.
"Let me guess you've never had coffee before have you Cal?" I ask
"Yeahyou'rerightKoma.Neverhadcoffeebefore.It'sarealrush." Cal replied."Letsgetonwithitshallwe." Cal gets up and strides off at double pace.

'Can this get any worse.' I think.

I thought way too soon. Cause our options in the detour are....

Loki.

Norse god of mischief. Who describes hiimself as complicated and not in anyway evil. You gotta like that kind of style. But play Texas Hold'em against him. Thats just asking for a loss or worse.

Then there's...

The Frost Giants - Well the name says it all and we have the opportunity to fight four of them.

"SoKomawegonnafightthegiantsoryougonnabeatLokiatcards?" asks Cal
"Well both have their negatives. And I don't see many postives here at all. So I'll flip a coin. Heads we play cards, tails we fight giants."

Of course it lands Heads doesn't it. I have to match wits with a lying, two-face, underhanded immortal. Oh yeah he's also really adept at magic and doesn't care if I live or die.

"So Dr Peters come to play have you?" His voice is one of absolute evil dipped in chocolate. It will kill you, but it sure tastes good.
"YeahKoma'scometoplayandhe'sgonnabeatyourass!" big notes Cal.
Loki just looks at me and raises one eybrow.
"Caffine tablets. And he's never had coffee before. Sheltered upbrining." I mention.
We sit at the table and dealing the cards is...

"Nixon!" I exclaim.

"Yeah. See I made a deal with Loki here and I got to be President but now I end up serving his whim." explains the former US President.
"What about Watergate?" I ask.
"Well that was just a screw up." he answers. "So are we gonna play cards?"

So we play cards.

'Beat Loki at cards.' I thought. It'd be easier to force feed Nicole Ritchie.
After a few hands I'm up to $740. I was expecting Loki to beat me into the ground. But here he was dangling the carrot of success in front of me. If I bet high in the next hand I could have him down to his last hundred. Hell I could win. However this was Loki I was playing, one of the really evil guys. And then it dawned on me.

The cards were delt and the first bet was mine. I didn't even look at them. I put out the minmum $20 dollars.
"All in." Called Loki. He was smiling, like he had the best hand in the world.
I take a look at my cards. Two Aces. A very good hand. The odds he had a better hand are very small.
"Fold." I say.
"WHAT!" snaps Loki. Then he composes himself, gives Nixon a nasty look and sorts his winnings.

The next hand the same happens I get a great hand and..
"All in." Calls Loki.
"Stop right there. Why are you letting me win?" I ask.
"A request has been made by someone who wishes to remain anonymus, that I throw this game." explains Loki.
"Your not joking are you?" I ask again
"Do I look like the joking kind?" Loki replies.
"No of course you don't." I say to myself.
"All In." I call.
Nixon deals the flop, the turn and the river. And I win. Easy as that.

"Whatwasthatallabout?" asks Cal still affected by the Caffine Tablets.
"Honestly I don't know Cal." I answer. "But lets burn off some of that Caffine eh!" We sprint through Asgard back to the Rainbow Bridge.

When Norse things attack

2007-02-07T18:49:00.000-05:00

So we have to go to the Marvel theme park huh? And I also get to be there with their corporate poster boy , wonderful. While there Logan was offered a spot on three teams , also raving fan boys slowed our progress.

After mistaking 3 people in costumes for Thor we find the real one. Unfortunately he was a little preoccupied.

That was amusing for the first five minutes. Yet after about an hour It was a little tedious. Especially since kids came around making bets on who'd win , between Kal-El and Thor.

Finally Thor and the Kryptonian wrest the hammer from the canine. Something tells me this will lead to a slap fight between Didio , and Quesada. Oh well.

Thor finally takes us to Asgard. With a " Sorry the inconvenience mine friends. I shalt make it up to thee." Whatever, I do not care. He leaves us with the clue that we have to find someone called Volstagg or something, and have a drinking contest.

" Yeah that one is all me Bub! " Logan shouts gleefully.

" Sure why not." I shrug. If this race has taught me anything, it's that Logan's healing ability is nature's compensation for his extreme idiocy. Without it I'm certain he would have died trying to pet a bear when he was child in Canada or something.

I'm a drinker my self, but I'm not stupid enough to risk alcohol poisoning to try to win a contest with a Norse god. Besides I would like my mind clear for the next challenge.

So Logan drank not only his 'Midgard Serpent's Venom. ' but Volstagg's too.

" Good work Rodent " I compliment " Your actually useful for something."

He slurs at me " I'm the bubbliest there is best."

Oh good. Looks like brain cells heal the slowest.

" Thou art truly a fine warrior and drinker What was your name again?" The huge Asgardian questions.

Logan thinks for a second " Wolveroagan Howlerjamesrine." He starts to boast at least I think he's boasting. " I'm a mean bean, joweler rockie. Pants are a prison!"

" Ok Logan, none of that actually made sense also you are keeping your pants on."I turn to the Norse Deity. Do you have a clue for us?"

" Aye verily. Funny monkey like being."

I growl. " I have killed for less than that! Now give me the damn clue!"

He starts to threaten me , I punch him in the face, then push , him down the a the rainbow bridge with my foot. He rolled into Valhalla and steam rolled some poor dead Viking souls.

After reading the clue I choose to fight some storm giants. I may good at Poker but not enough to beat Loki who will be cheating much better than myself. Besides I love to fight . Wait where did Logan go?

After flying over the realm I find Logan. He's hitting on this goddess , badly . " Hey Man I'm the baby of your dreams."

" Thou doth offend me maloderous mortal!" Wait a second I think I recognize her now. The Enchantress.

So Logan was turned into a frog. I land in front of the alluring goddess, and the amphibian X-man. She looks at me then recognition comes over her features. " Ah. The alien that aided my beloved Thor in the rescue of our souls from Hela. Ask any boon of me and I shalt deliver it unto thee."

Hmph. Well first thing that comes too mind is out, since I am married . How inconvenient. " How about you just transform the frog back into the misanthrope it was , and tell me where Joutenheim is. That shall be enough."

Her visage changes to one of anger. " Thou art friends of this creature?"

" Not really." I answer. " We're just in a race, and I do not think he could help as a French lunch entree."

She gestures, and idiot boy is back to normal. After she points the way to the The giant land I grab Logan before he can say something stupid again. We hurry through the portal and find four creatures that look like this.

" Wow these mortals art shorter than others." One laughs. " This shalt be easy!"

" Bah!" I announce. "My ancestors have slain gods! I carry their power within me! Prepare yours selves!"

While I wrestle with one of the freaks, Logan shouts" ya maybe big as a flamin' tree But I'll cut ya down ta size!"

I shake my head " Idiot! That is a tree!" Damn he's still drunk. This momentary distraction allows the giants to hurl thunder. The mystic electricity. Goes through my ki field . The pain is massive.

Another uses a tree limb as a golf club throwing me several miles. I'm then battered by hurricane force winds. Ok your going to throw magic at me huh? Let's see how these idiots think of this !

" Dragonflame! " The fire engulfs the titans. You know the beating I took from these things has put some things into perspective. I have been playing somewhat by the humans' rules.

I'm tired of this these things are in the way of my goal and I shall take them out of the way, by killing them. I transform To ss4. One of the monsters swings it's club I break it. Then it's arm as well.

I fire a Galick gun at one of it's companions. At this time I hear Logan scream " Special!"

" I really hope that is not your new battle cry." I sneer.

" No! Fastball!... Something what was that again!"

I can't believe this! He wants me to toss him at the giants. Bah whatever! After I do that I dodge some hurled lightining, and counter with a Final Shine. When the battle is just about to get good I hear a giant proclaim " Stop!"

We turn. I see no longer had facial hair . It looked like Logan cut it off .

" The mortal hath shaved mine beard, that's uncuttable at last my handsome good looks hath returned. "

" Keep telling your self that." I laugh. This female giant saunters up to him. " oooh so smoothe ! " she says as she rubs his face. The other three look expectantly at Wolverine .

We get the clue to next pit stop after Logan shaves the rest of them . At about a hundred yards from our destination Logan hollers " I love everyone ! "

I hope he heals from his drunkenness soon.

Jon and Nightcrawler and a new drinkin' buddy

2007-02-07T08:30:00.000-05:00

The Mighty Thor stood in front of us with his arms crossed.

“So, thou wantst to travel to the sacred halls of Asguard, dost thou?”

“Jah, mein freunde,” Nightcrawler answered.

“Then you must pass the test of Thor.” A sly grin crossed his lips.

“A test?” I asked. “No one said anything about a test.”

“Worry not, mortal.” Thor clutched his mighty hammer Mjolnir. “Your test is but four questions. Four questions, though thou shouldst not take yon queries lightly.”

Nightcrawler and I looked at each other.

“Ve are ready,” my teammate said.

“Very well.” The son of Odin towered over us. “What is your name?”

“Uh, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator,” I answered.

“What quest are thou on?”

“Ve wish to win ze Amazing Mutant Race,” Nightcrawler said quickly.

“How dost thou catch a unique rabbit?”

“Unique up on it!” I said triumphantly.

“And how dost thou catch a tame rabbit?”

“The tame way!” I answered quickly.

“Very good.” Thor spun his hammer and a rift tore open revealing the Rainbow Bridge. “Keep your hands and feet upon the Bridge at all times.”

“Zat test seemed awfully familiar,” Nightcrawler said.

“Forget it,” I answer. “Let’s just move on to the challenge.”

“I must confess zat I am not much of a drinker. I think the Volstagg challenge is more up your alley.”

“I was thinking that, too,” I said.

“Volstagg ist immense. I don’t think any mortal can stand toe to toe with him in a drinking contest.”

“I think you’re right,” I conceded. “Fortunately, I have a plan.”

“Ho ho! Who is ready to drink with me?” Volstagg cheerily rumbled as we entered his domain.

“I am your man,” I stepped up. “What’s our poison?”

“Ho ho, mortal! I like your style! We shall start with a flagon of Dragon Piss. Few have the constitution for this.” The immense warrior hoisted a large wooden tankard and downed it quickly. He squinted, burped, then laughed heartily.

I lifted my drinking vessel up. “One request.”

“Oh, and that is?”

“I’m a hasher,” I said. “I need a drinking song.”

“A drinking song?” boomed the Asguardian. “Ha ha! I have one for you!

“It’s all for me grog, me jolly jolly grog
It’s all gone for beer and tobacco
Well I spent all me tin on the lassies drinking gin
And across the western ocean I must wander!”

With his singing, I gulped down my drink. I immediately felt its dizzying effects, but I kept myself together.

“Wow!” I said. “That shtuff is shtrong!”

“Ha ha! If you fight like you drink, then I will gladly take your side in the battle of Ragnarök!” He hoisted a mead. “We must drink more!”

“Can I interesht you in a drinking song?”

“By all means!” he roared.

As he chugged the drink I sang:

“Drink it down, you Asguard warrior
Drink it down, you Asguard chief chief chief chief
A zoomba zoomba zoomba, a zoomba zoomba hey
A zoomba zoomba zoomba, a zoomba zoomba hey!”

“Glorious!” he roared. “I have one for you!

“And the blood was ankle deep.
And the River Skral ran crimson red.
On the day above all days.
When Kahless slew evil Molor dead.”

“Great shong,” I slurred after I downed my mead.

“Aye, heard it I did on a trip to a distant planet. Have an ale!”

He downed his drink as I sang a song.

“Yogi lives in Jellystone, Yogi Yogi
Yogi lives in Jellystone, Yogi’s a lucky bear
Yogi’s a lucky bear, Yogi’s a lucky bear
Yogi lives in Jellystone, Yogi’s a lucky bear

Yogi has a little friend, Boo Boo, Boo Boo
Yogi has a little friend, Boo Boo, Boo Boo bear
Boo Boo, Boo Boo bear! Boo Boo, Boo Boo bear!
Yogi has a little friend, Boo Boo, Boo Boo bear

Yogi has a girlfriend Cindy, Cindy
Yogi has a girlfriend Yogi's a lucky bear
Cindy Cindy Bear, Cindy Cindy Bear
Yogi has a girlfriend, Cindy Cindy Bear

Cindy like lingerie, teddy teddy
Cindy likes lingerie, teddy teddy bear
Teddy Teddy bear, Teddy Teddy bear
Cindy likes lingerie, Yogi’s a lucky bear

Boo Boo’s only three feet tall, Boo Boo, Boo Boo
Boo Boo’s only three feet tall, Yogi’s a lucky bear
Yogi’s a lucky bear, Yogi’s a lucky bear
Boo Boo’s only three feet tall, Yogi’s a lucky bear!”

“Ah this is a fine song of a brave animal!” Volstagg held his large wooden cup high, then slammed it down onto the table. “Your turn, my friend!

“Ah, ah,
We come from the land of the ice and snow,
From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow.
The hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands,
To fight the horde, singing and crying: Valhalla, I am coming!

On we sweep with threshing oar, Our only goal will be the western shore.

Ah, ah,
We come from the land of the ice and snow,
From the midnight sun where the hot springs blow.
How soft your fields so green, can whisper tales of gore,
Of how we calmed the tides of war. We are your overlords.

On we sweep with threshing oar, Our only goal will be the western shore.

So now you'd better stop and rebuild all your ruins,
For peace and trust can win the day despite of all your losing!”

I downed my ale, slammed the cup on the table and propped my head up on my arm.

“That wash a great shong, buddy,” I said. “Man, that Zep totally rocks.”

“Alas, my friend, our hour is up!” Volstagg thundered. “You have the eye of a tiger and the stomach of an insane polar bear!”

“That’shh right, buddy and don’t you ferget it.” I fell off my arm and smacked the side of my face on the wooden table.

“We must drink again!” Volstagg roared. “When once more you visit Asguard, you shall look me up!”

“You got it, Volstaggerino!” Nightcrawler helped me to my feet. “Thish ish my pal… He’sh my real friend.”

“Zat’s right, Jon,” Nightcrawler wrapped my arm around his shoulders and escorted me out the door. “But we have the next challenge now.”

“Oh yeah, cool,” I said. Then I burped one of those wet, back-of-the throat burps. “Ulp. Shorry, buddy. You’re my one true buddy Kurt. Can I call you Kurt?”

“Sure, vhy not.”

“Thanksh chummmmmmmm.” I then looked and saw the camera pointed at me. I don’t get to break the third wall very often. “What are you lookin’ at?”

AOC: Meeting the Gods. part 1

2007-02-06T17:48:00.000-05:00

As we run out of the Disneyland hotel lobby I am trying to hail a cab. Angle sees a bunch of “kids” hanging out by a Beach display. He looks at and says “I’ll take care of this one.”

OFF TO 90120

In a few minutes we are in a large van with the BH kids has they call themselves. One of the girls didn’t want to give us a ride, until she saw the Ralph with the TV Camera. Then she changed her mind quick.

As we enter the Marvel Studios, We are greeted by a Norse God. “I am Mighty Thor” He booms.

THOR”S CASUAL DAY

“So am I, but it is only due to smashing my finger in the van door” I say back to him.

Thor just glares at me, wave his hammer at us and we are transported to the Bridge of Asgard.

“Yippie! It a rainbow red carpet just for us! How did they know?” Squeals Angel.

Ralph rolls his eye. We head across the bridge and find a large person blocking our way. In front of him is a table with several flagons.

"I am Valstagg!” he thunders in a jolly pleasant voice. “I am the hidden god of the Norse, who can not be found on Wiki. One of you must drink with me for an hour. If you remain conscious, then I will give you the next clue.” Valstagg beams down at us.

“Hey, Mr. V. Before we start can I ask a question?” I inquire

”Of course you may, he of the white armor. I got a question for you. Is your friend a male version of the Valkrie?” Valstagg says

“Yeah …. Something like that. So what is you philosophy on drinking?” I reply

Valstagg rubs his chin. “I think one should drink to enjoy the company of friends, see the world through new and joyous eyes and to make one even jollier. Does that answer your question?”

“Yes, it does. Angel will drink with you.” I call out.

“What?!?!?!?” Angel spits at me.

Valstagg fills the large gallon flagons for Angel and himself.

Just as they are about to drink I ask Angel “So did you Father call you back yet?”

Angel wings and shoulders slump and he lets out the most pathetic sigh I have ever heard. “No”

Valstagg raises an eyebrow, but puts down his drink. “What the matter? Why so glum? Have a drink and tell me what is making you sad?”

Angel takes a sip and stat to talk to Valstagg. “My father has never accepted who I am, I mean who I really am. Can you imagine what that feels like? Always trying to change me, even at the youngest age. He made me feel like I had to cut my wings off as a child……”

This went for a while. Valstagg would try to interrupt with a “but..” or a “I think …” , but would quickly be pulled down in the morass that is Angel’s life. I don’t think Valstagg even touched his drink again, but Angel is nursed his drink. I poured a tall one for me and Ralph. The timer went off and I asked Valstagg for the clue.

“Here” he said in a depressed voice, “you have to go to something …. Or something else ….. I need to go home.”

As we head to the Detour, Angel is still glum. He looks at me “Tak, that wasn’t very nice. Now I am all depressed. You need to cheer me up some. You know what I want.”

“No Freaking way! Not in front of the cameras! No freaking way” I give him a hard look.

Ralph speaks up. “Oh come on. You had done it half a dozen time in from of me. No need to be ashamed”

“Come on” They both plead.

“You’ll turn the camera off.” I ask Ralph

Ralph nod the affirmative and pretends to turn off the camera..

I start to sing

Who knows what tomorrow bringsIn a world,
few hearts survive
All I know is the way I feel
When it's real,
I keep it alive
The road, is long,
There are mountains, in our way
But we climb a step, every day
You lift us up where we belong,
Where the eagles cry
On a mountain high
You lift us up where we belong,
Far from the world we know,
Up where the clear winds blow
Some hang on to used to be ...

I hope Koma never find out about this.

TBC

Prepare thy selves for one shall be yielded. Damn speaking in Asgardian already

2007-02-05T14:36:00.000-05:00

My eyes are a bit blurry , and my head feels like someone put it in a veldusan mega press, but at least I can think clearly now. I am a little annoyed to be back at Disney Land. Not just because I blew up the It's a Small World after all ride, or had to fight cybernetic Walt Disney for destroying his mind altering creation.

Oh yes they now want The AM3 production team out ASAP . I stared at pictures of the other racers, being a little disturbed that Figment was waddling over to me. When he gave us a hug for winning the last part of the race he, she, it. Held me a little too long.

Even as an idiot I knew that was not right. Logan talking made me take my attention off this purple freak. " Ya know I heard. The JLA do this when their choosin' members. They stare at pictures for what seems like months, and don't do anything else , until they pick out who they want."

" Sounds rather inefficient." I answer " Ok so who are we going to yield?"

" Well normally Carol, since she ya know pretended to have my kid an' all, and then she helped Sabertooth kill me."

I laugh. " You do know she's no longer in the race right?"

He shrugs " Cut me some slack here bub. I had to keep chasin' ya around the park sorry if I didn't pay attention to what was goin' on."

" Hmm. How about Henchman?" I ask.

" A lil' petty yieldin' yer enemy ain't it? I nominate Koma."

" Now who is being petty?" I fire back.

" Ok who else is left Bub? "

" We have Noel , and Beast... " I start.

" Nope." Logan interrupts Hank still has my Mutant Chicks Gone Wild DVD's If I ever want 'em back I better not put the yield on 'im."

I nod. " Kakarot would have a hissy fit if I yield his friend. How about AOC and Angel?"

" An' hear Warren whine ta me about how unfair I was to a mutant who is 'different?' No thank ya." He snarls.

We have the final teams Gambit and that strange robot, and Jon with Nightcrawler.

" How 'bout we flip a coin?" Logan suggests.

As I notice Figment get closer I agree. , if nothing else to get out of here.
Logan flips it and lands on heads, Gyrobo.

Figment drops a piece of paper in my hand. It is a phone number. I blast the freak. Then walk over the remains of sobbing Cyber Disney to give the yield to Xavier . " Come Logan let us go to the next challenge."

The Sixth Leg of the Race

2007-02-04T19:30:00.000-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the sixth leg of the Amazing Mutant Race 3. Last week we saw our eight teams race to Disneyland where they had to ride the Star Tours attraction until they found the location of the clue that would lead them to the Detour. From the top of Space Mountain, the teams had to go and either complete ten rides on It’s A Small World After All without losing too much of their intelligence, or entertain the park patrons as beloved Disney characters. Once those tasks were done, the teams raced to the Pit Stop at the Disneyland Resort Hotel. Beating out the other teams by a healthy lead were Vegeta and Wolverine, the winners of this leg of the race.

As the winners, they get to choose one other team to Yield. A Yield forces that team to delay their start time by one hour. Vegeta and Wolverine must select the picture of the person they wish to Yield and place it on the board.

The last team to arrive was Warbird and Cyclops. Unfortunately their passion for the park seemed to distract them from speedily finishing their tasks. As always, the last team to arrive is eliminated.

This leg of the race starts at the Disneyland Resort Hotel in Anaheim, California. From here, the teams must travel by the means of their choice to the nearby Marvel Studios in Beverly Hills, California. There the Mighty Thor will transport the racers as they arrive to the Rainbow Bridge in Asgard.

Do you know your limit? The teams must then speed across the Bridge to Valhqll, the Hall of Odin where the voluminous Valstagg will be waiting for the Roadblock for this leg of the Race. A Roadblock is a challenge only one member of a team may perform.

Large kegs of the finest Asgardian mead will be tapped for this challenge. The selected racer must match Valstagg drink for drink for one hour without losing consciousness. The gargantuan god’s capacity is such that he can compete with multiple teams at the same time.

If a player does pass out before the hour, then his or her teammate must attempt the challenge. Once the time is up, the teams will then receive their Detour. A Detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons. Teams must successfully complete one of the tasks described on the clue. In this Detour, the teams must choose between Cards or Clubs.

In Cards, the teams must defeat Loki in game of Texas Hold ‘Em. Each side will be given $500 worth of chips to gamble with. Just remember, Loki is the God of Mischief and he’s known for not playing fair.

In Clubs, the teams must travel to the border of Jotunheim, the land of the giants. Groups of four Storm Giants will be waiting, armed for combat. Using Asgardian weapons, maces, hammers, swords, etc., the teams must defeat all of the giants.

Once the Detour is successfully completed, the teams must then make their way to the Pit Stop for this leg of the race which is back where they started at the Rainbow Bridge.